Categories for My story

Tuesday 6 December 2016 i went to visit my mum. It was a cold day, a clear blue sky, little wind. The fields are almost white from the ice formed over the night. The sun standing low in the sky glares in my face.

My post for today was already thought of. The I Ching. But i did want to pick a good photo to go along with it.

And my thoughts? My dreams? Sex! Only when i’m on my own. Also, there are many other things i’m thinking about. But still. Sex! Kissing and touching and smiling and laughing and yearning. Not with any man in particular. Although i do have a short list, of course. And yet, this feels very much like a thing of me, something very personal. I still feel there is something inside me wanting to come out. Timing is the main issue. Extremely important.

And it is not time yet. Might be in the next couple of weeks. I hope. Not sure how long i can keep this up as it is.

55. Fêng / Abundance [Fullness]

Chên is movement; Li is flame, whose attribute is clarity. Clarity within, movement without-this produces greatness and abundance. The hexagram pictures a period of advanced civilization. However, the fact that development has reached a peak suggests that this extraordinary condition of abundance cannot be maintained permanently.

THE JUDGMENT

ABUNDANCE has success.
The king attains abundance.
Be not sad.
Be like the sun at midday.

It is not given to every mortal to bring about a time of outstanding greatness and abundance. Only a born ruler of men is able to do it, because his will is directed to what is great. Such a time of abundance is usually brief. Therefore a sage might well feel sad in view of the decline that must follow. But such sadness does not befit him. Only a man who is inwardly free of sorrow and care can lead in a time of abundance. He must be like the sun at midday, illuminating and gladdening everything under heaven.

THE IMAGE

Both thunder and lightning come:
The image of ABUNDANCE.
Thus the superior man decides lawsuits
And carries out punishments.

This hexagram has a certain connection with Shih Ho, BITING THROUGH (21), in which thunder and lightning similarly appear together, but in the reverse order. In BITING THROUGH, laws are laid down; here they are applied and enforced. Clarity [Li] within makes it possible to investigate the facts exactly, and shock [Chên] without ensures a strict and precise carrying out of punishments.

Six in the fifth place means:
Lines are coming,
Blessing and fame draw near.
Good fortune.

The ruler is modest and therefore open to the counsel of able men. Thus he is surrounded by men who suggest to him the lines of action. This brings blessing, fame, and good fortune to him and all the people.

49. Ko / Revolution (Molting)

The Chinese character for this hexagram means in its original sense an animal’s pelt, which is changed in the course of the year by molting. From this word is carried over to apply to the “moltings” in political life, the great revolutions connected with changes of governments.

The two trigrams making up the hexagram are the same two that appear in K’uei, OPPOSITION (38), that is, the two younger daughters, Li and Tui. But while there the elder of the two daughters is above, and what results is essentially only an opposition of tendencies, here the younger daughter is above. The influences are in actual conflict, and the forces combat each other like fire and water (lake), each trying to destroy the other. Hence the idea of revolution.

THE JUDGMENT

REVOLUTION. On your own day
You are believed.
Supreme success,
Furthering through perseverance.
Remorse disappears.

Political revolutions are extremely grave matters. They should be undertaken only under stress of direst necessity, when there is no other way out. Not everyone is called to this task, but only the man who has the confidence of the people, and even he only when the time is ripe. He must then proceed in the right way, so that he gladdens the people and, by enlightening them, prevents excesses. Furthermore, he must be quite free of selfish aims and must really relieve the need of the people. Only then does he have nothing to regret.

Times change, and with them their demands. Thus the seasons change in the course of the year. In the world cycle also there are spring and autumn in the life of peoples and nations, and these call for social transformations.

THE IMAGE

Fire in the lake: the image of REVOLUTION.
Thus the superior man
Sets the calendar in order
And makes the seasons clear.

Fire below and the lake above combat and destroy each other. So too in the course of the year a combat takes place between the forces of light and the forces of darkness, eventuating in the revolution of the seasons, and man is able to adjust himself in advance to the demands of the different times.

This morning, on Monday 21 November, i woke up around eight. Not sure how i slept. I do wake up around three in the middle of the night usually. I was a bit tired today, so yes, i think last night i was lying awake for a couple of hours too. This morning i watched Safe House on Uitzending gemist (Missed Broadcast), the Dutch app for all recent television you might have missed. I liked it. Christopher Eccleston i remember from his one season of Doctor Who in 2005. I loved this season. I occasionally watch Doctor Who when it passes me by, but it is not a must see for me.

I did plan to take a shower today, but i decided against it. I stayed at home, in my home clothes. Did a bit of work. I thought last week i was done, but i had a phone call today about work. I still had to do a minor thing. Which of course didn’t turn out to be that minor. An old website, from 2007. Old version of jQuery. *sigh* Tomorrow morning i will simply add a newer version of jQuery and add a new pagination plugin. Done!

I was thinking about my real work. This website. There are a few posts i want to make. A clip of me singing. Most likely Let It Go. The first song i ever posted here. And i don’t wanna do the one shot clip anymore. Been there done that. I wanna make a more edited and composed clip.

I also want to write a few posts, about Eroticism. In my life, on the street, in ads. It’s basically all around us. And really, some things i can’t bear to watch anymore. Young people fucking around on television. Or old people. I can not stand it. Not anymore.

Life is wonderful. Another post i want to write. This one most likely the day before Christmas. And like last year, i will take a week off between Christmas and New Years.

And today, while i was watching tv, while i was dreaming away, i had these glimpses of myself, where i am now in my life. Standing perfectly still, on a thin wire, on one leg, my arms up in the air, very poised. That is how i feel within myself.

I still have one month to make all these posts, to make my walks, to work in the garden, to entertain you, to grip you in my world.

Earlier this evening i threw the I Ching.

The first sign, Keeping Quiet, feels very apt. Perfectly still.

The last sign, the final sign of my current transition, is a bit more hazardous: After Completion. I do feel i need to be very careful. Cautious, feeling my way through this path. The comparison with a fox crossing a frozen river or lake comes up. It only succeeds when the ice doesn’t break. Not even when the fox is close to the other end.

You may wonder why i throw the I Ching so much lately. There were many years in which i didn’t use the I Ching at all. But lately it does feel that the signs i get are of more value to me. Or i am in such a state of mind that what i read in this book finds an agreement within myself. It is also because i am lonely. Yes. Oops, a small tear appears in my eye. It is not that i am unhappy, it is not i feel very lonely all the time. I don’t. But yes, i do miss friends. Good friends.

I know i shouldn’t think about this for long. Because i also like being by myself, in my life, looking around at the world. So each time has its own shape, with or without friends. I’m still happy i have chosen the shape i’m in right now.

Salute!

52. Kên / Keeping Still, Mountain

The image of this hexagram is the mountain, the youngest son of heaven and earth. The male principle is at the top because it strives upward by nature; the female principle is below, since the direction of its movement has come to its normal end.

In its application to man, the hexagram turns upon the problem of achieving a quiet heart. It is very difficult to bring quiet to the heart. While Buddhism strives for rest through an ebbing away of all movement in nirvana, the Book of Changes holds that rest is merely a state of polarity that always posits movement as its complement. Possibly the words of the text embody directions for the practice of yoga.

THE JUDGMENT

KEEPING STILL. Keeping his back still
So that he no longer feels his body.
He goes into his courtyard
And does not see his people.
No blame.

True quiet means keeping still when the time has come to keep still, and going forward when the time has come to go forward. In this way rest and movement are in agreement with the demands of the time, and thus there is light in life.

The hexagram signifies the end and the beginning of all movement. The back is named because in the back are located all the nerve fibers that mediate movement. If the movement of these spinal nerves is brought to a standstill, the ego, with its restlessness, disappears as it were. When a man has thus become calm, he may turn to the outside world. He no longer sees in it the struggle and tumult of individual beings, and therefore he has that true peace of mind which is needed for understanding the great laws of the universe and for acting in harmony with them. Whoever acts from these deep levels makes no mistakes.

THE IMAGE

Mountains standing close together:
The image of KEEPING STILL.
Thus the superior man
Does not permit his thoughts
To go beyond his situation.

The heart thinks constantly. This cannot be changed, but the movements of the heart-that is, a man’s thoughts-should restrict themselves to the immediate situation. All thinking that goes beyond this only makes the heart sore.

Six at the beginning means:
Keeping his toes still.
No blame.
Continued perseverance furthers.

Keeping the toes still means halting before one has even begun to move. The beginning is the time of few mistakes. At that time one is still in harmony with primal innocence. Not yet influenced by obscuring interests and desires, one sees things intuitively as they really are. A man who halts at the
beginning, so long as he has not yet abandoned the truth, finds the right way. But persisting firmness is needed to keep one from drifting irresolutely.
Six in the fifth place means:
Keeping his jaws still.
The words have order.
Remorse disappears.

A man in a dangerous situation, especially when he is not adequate to it, is inclined to be very free with talk and presumptuous jokes. But injudicious speech easily leads to situations that subsequently give much cause for regret. However, if a man is reserved in speech, his words take ever more definite
form, and every occasion for regret vanishes.
Nine at the top means:
Noblehearted keeping still.
Good fortune.

This marks the consummation of the effort to attain tranquillity. One is at rest, not merely in a small, circumscribed way in regard to matters of detail, but one has also a general resignation in regard to life as a whole, and this confers peace and good fortune in relation to every individual matter.

63. Chi Chi / After Completion

This hexagram is the evolution of T’ai PEACE (11). The transition from confusion to order is completed, and everything is in its proper place even in particulars. The strong lines are in the strong places, the weak lines in the weak places. This is a very favorable outlook, yet it gives reason for thought. For it is just when perfect equilibrium has been reached that any movement may cause order to revert to disorder. The one strong line that has moved to the top, thus effecting complete order in details, is followed by the other lines. Each moving according to its nature, and thus suddenly there arises again the hexagram P’i, STANDSTILL (12).

Hence the present hexagram indicates the conditions of a time of climax, which necessitate the utmost caution.

THE JUDGMENT

AFTER COMPLETION. Success in small matters.
Perseverance furthers.
At the beginning good fortune.
At the end disorder.

The transition from the old to the new time is already accomplished. In principle, everything stands systematized, and it is only in regard to details that success is still to be achieved. In respect to this, however, we must be careful to maintain the right attitude. Everything proceeds as if of its own accord, and this can all too easily tempt us to relax and let thing take their course without troubling over details. Such indifference is the root of all evil. Symptoms of decay are bound to be the result. Here we have the rule indicating the usual course of history. But this rule is not an inescapable law. He who understands it is in position to avoid its effects by dint of unremitting perseverance and caution.

THE IMAGE

Water over fire: the image of the condition
In AFTER COMPLETION.
Thus the superior man
Takes thought of misfortune
And arms himself against it in advance.

When water in a kettle hangs over fire, the two elements stand in relation and thus generate energy (cf. the production of steam). But the resulting tension demands caution. If the water boils over, the fire is extinguished an its energy is lost. If the heat is too great, the water evaporates into the air. These elements here brought in to relation and thus generating energy are by nature hostile to each other. Only the most extreme caution can prevent damage. In life too there are junctures when all forces are in balance and work in harmony, so that everything seems to be in the best of order. In such times only the sage recognizes the moments that bode danger and knows how to banish it by means of timely precautions.

It is a quiet day today. And cold. Which wasn’t the main reason i turned on my gas stove today. My mum called me up. She knew i hadn’t turned the heating on yet. She thought my gas stove was broke. It isn’t. The pulling system with which i could turn on the starting fire is broke. But i can still use it unscrewing the front, removing the glass and turn it on with a match. I cleaned the glass before i put it back in. It is better, it does feel warmer in my house now.

Tomorrow i need to work. Hopefully it will all be done in a day. I will also need to go to the market.

I have written about many things on this website. Very personal things. It usually feels like a relief writing here. Like i’m writing things out of my system. I know i’m in a tight spot right now. I am not sure why i don’t worry about it more. I don’t. I can feel the edge coming, my bank account going down, my mortgage not being paid. And i simply don’t worry. I still feel i need to show you, my dear reader, something. Something important.

I do have a few upcoming posts i need to work on. Eroticism. Life is wonderful. A clip with the couple of art pieces i got from friends. It should all be done in time.

I hope you will have a good Tuesday. Or any other day for that matter, i don’t know on which day you will read this.

Good wishes.

*hug*

Today, Thursday 27 Ocotber, was the funeral of my aunt Tinie. It was crowded. I saw many of my family there, some after thirty years of not seeing them. I saw my nieces and nephews. It was good.

I walked there from the train station. Around 45 minutes walking. Through the living areas, past the busy streets, to the outside of the municipal where the graveyard is. I walked back a slightly different route.

A few weeks ago, i was at the funeral of my stepfather, Jan.

Sad. A sad day to say goodbye. But also a day of smiling and speaking to each other.

Goodbye tante Tinie. Goodbye Jan.

I just reread the post My futures.

My life has been very solitary so far. On the whole i didn’t mind that much. I enjoy my own company. But i would like to have friends. I would like to cook for more people. More people than just me. I would like to laugh a bit more. Talk some more.

I do listen to music a lot these days. I actually do sing along too. I like that. But it doesn’t fill the void.

I know the private life. I have lived it for the past thirty years. It’s difficult and hard work. There is peace and quiet. And loneliness.

So, if i have to make a choice, i’d rather choose a public life. It will be equally hard work, it will be equally difficult. But it is also filled with friends. I will not have complete freedom in choosing the things i do. But on the whole, i think i will be happier. A bit messier too. But that’s alright.

Ooh, in both scenario’s i will continue with ellenpronk.com. Of course. It’s what i do. I love this place. Truly.

I do still love this place, ellenpronk.com. I am not sure though, how long i will continue with it. I can envision a couple of possible scenario’s. It could be my life stays still. I can see myself having less updates then, but still regularly. Or it could be my life explodes. Then i see myself working here with five updates a week for quite some time. A couple of years at least.

I do think the choice is not entirely up to me.

Today i had this feeling of my life narrowing right now. Like i’m entering a rapid. My money issues are of course a part of that. Choices i make now seem to make a bigger impact on my life. And i know i want to continue the way i do. I know i’m not done yet. Nearly there, but the most important things i still need to make and post here.

This is not about me proving myself. This is not about me winning in any way. There is nothing to win, nothing to loose. But it is about me being truthful to myself, with all my heart. Doing the things i love to do, with all my heart.

Yesterday i saw the television program VPRO Boeken, VPRO Books with an interview with Jonathan Safran Foer. About living, making choices, being the person you are, being the person you want to be, being the person you can be.

These past two years i have grown. I still have the rest of my life to learn how to be in this world without it breaking me.

Salute!

55. Fêng / Abundance [Fullness]

Chên is movement; Li is flame, whose attribute is clarity. Clarity within, movement without-this produces greatness and abundance. The hexagram pictures a period of advanced civilization. However, the fact that development has reached a peak suggests that this extraordinary condition of abundance cannot be maintained permanently.

THE JUDGMENT

ABUNDANCE has success.
The king attains abundance.
Be not sad.
Be like the sun at midday.

It is not given to every mortal to bring about a time of outstanding greatness and abundance. Only a born ruler of men is able to do it, because his will is directed to what is great. Such a time of abundance is usually brief. Therefore a sage might well feel sad in view of the decline that must follow. But such sadness does not befit him. Only a man who is inwardly free of sorrow and care can lead in a time of abundance. He must be like the sun at midday, illuminating and gladdening everything under heaven.

THE IMAGE

Both thunder and lightning come:
The image of ABUNDANCE.
Thus the superior man decides lawsuits
And carries out punishments.

This hexagram has a certain connection with Shih Ho, BITING THROUGH (21), in which thunder and lightning similarly appear together, but in the reverse order. In BITING THROUGH, laws are laid down; here they are applied and enforced. Clarity [Li] within makes it possible to investigate the facts exactly, and shock [Chên] without ensures a strict and precise carrying out of punishments.

Nine at the beginning means:
When a man meets his destined ruler,
They can be together ten days,
And it is not a mistake.
Going meets with recognition.

To bring about a time of abundance, a union of clarity with energetic
movement is needed. Two individuals possessed of these two attributes are
suited to each other, and even if they spend an entire cycle of time together
during the period of abundance, it will not be too long, nor is it a mistake.
Therefore one may go forth, in order to make one’s influence felt; it will meet
with recognition.

62. Hsiao Kuo / Preponderance of the Small

While in the hexagram Ta Kuo, PREPONDERANCE OF THE GREAT (28), the strong lines preponderate and are within, inclosed between weak lines at the top and bottom, the present hexagram has weak lines preponderating, though here again they are on the outside, the strong lines being within. This indeed is the basis of the exceptional situation indicated by the hexagram. When strong lines are outside, we have the hexagram I, PROVIDING NOURISHMENT (27), or Chung Fu, INNER TRUTH, (61); neither represents and exceptional state. When strong elements within preponderate, they necessarily enforce their will. This creates struggle and exceptional conditions in general. But in the present hexagram it is the weak element that perforce must mediate with the outside world. If a man occupies a position of authority for which he is by nature really inadequate, extraordinary prudence is necessary.

THE JUDGMENT

PREPONDERANCE OF THE SMALL. Success.
Perseverance furthers.
Small things may be done; great things should not be done.
The flying bird brings the message:
It is not well to strive upward,
It is well to remain below.
Great good fortune.

Exceptional modesty and conscientiousness are sure to be rewarded with success; however, if a man is not to throw himself away, it is important that they should not become empty form and subservience but be combined always with a correct dignity in personal behavior. We must understand the demands of the time in order to find the necessary offset for its deficiencies and damages. In any event we must not count on great success, since the requisite strength is lacking. In this lies the importance of the message that one should not strive after lofty things but hold to lowly things.

The structure of the hexagram gives rise to the idea that this message is brought by a bird. In Ta Kuo, PREPONDERANCE OF THE GREAT (28), the four strong, heavy lines within, supported only by two weak lines without, give the image of a sagging ridgepole. Here the supporting weak lines are both outside and preponderant; this gives the image of a soaring bird. But a bird should not try to surpass itself and fly into the sun; it should descend to the earth, where its nest is. In this way it gives the message conveyed by the hexagram.

THE IMAGE

Thunder on the mountain:
The image of PREPONDERANCE OF THE SMALL.
Thus in his conduct the superior man gives preponderance to reverence.
In bereavement he gives preponderance to grief.
In his expenditures he gives preponderance to thrift.

Thunder on the mountain is different from thunder on the plain. In the mountains, thunder seems much nearer; outside the mountains, it is less audible than the thunder of an ordinary storm. Thus the superior man derives an imperative from this image: he must always fix his eyes more closely and more directly on duty than does the ordinary man, even though this might make his behavior seem petty to the outside world. He is exceptionally conscientious in his actions. In bereavement emotion means more to him than ceremoniousness. In all his personal expenditures he is extremely simple and unpretentious. In comparison with the man of the masses, all this makes him stand out as exceptional. But the essential significance of his attitude lies in the fact that in external matters he is on the side of the lowly.