Categories for My story

Scared shitless

I only have five months until i have to leave my house. During the day i feel fine, but at night i feel so afraid at times. What if all i imagine will happen to me doesn’t happen? I only have around forty-five thousand euros left, only for a year of rent. What then? What if i need to find a job after that? Only a week ago i checked the rent apartments in the center of Rotterdam, the cheapest are a thousand euros a month, and most are more fifteen hundred. What if? What if?

Scared. Nightmares circling around my head. Deep dark thoughts enter my mind. What if?

What if i break? What if i can not follow through? What if i feel lost in this world? What if i stay this small and insignificant? What if?

I wrote the previous part yesterday. Or even on Friday. Last night i was thinking about this coming to the conclusion this was a complete mistake to write. I should be tough and try to break out and be confident.

This afternoon i spoke with two people about these things in the garden. I cried. Not because i am sad, but because i am emotional. Some truths were spoken. That i put too much faith in this website. I trust it too much. I can see that point.

I said that it was hard for me to reach an outspoken truth here on this site. That each time i feel i’m simply not getting to the point i want to make. That i need one chance. Only one. That i should grab it with both hands and not let go. That i am a woman. In our patriarchate world this means i am not fully heard or seen. This makes what i do very difficult, as i have masculine traits myself. As does any person on this world.

I can not let go. Not yet anyway. I still trust myself. Despite what my friends say.

* The image at the top of this post is the duckduckgo images page for searching for the word patriarchate.

Published on August 12, 2019 at 6:00 by


I was sixteen years old. Together with my mother i went to our family doctor. My period was giving me cramps. I had met someone while i was on holidays. You never knew when it would happen, so birth control was a good option. It was 1980.

I got the pill. No need to add anything, everybody knew what it was. The pill. Not that i talked about it with other people. It just made sense that i had one. It was normal. And yes, my period didn’t give me anymore cramps.

That someone i had met fizzled away. There was a guy in school i fell in love with. We kissed a bit. But no sex. And when i went to the Technical University Delft nothing much changed. I made friends. There was one beautiful guy who i only looked at from a distance. And i kept on taking the pill. You never knew what would happen. I thought of myself as an average girl. It was bound to happen one day.

I moved into my own house when i was twenty-one. In Rotterdam. After a few months i started thinking: why take a pill each and every day for a pain i had only once a month? Yes, it was birth control, but i wasn’t having any sex. So after a few months i stopped with the pill. The cramps were not that bad really.

I had sex with someone when i was twenty-eight. We used condoms. The last time we had sex, the condom tore. So i took the morning-after pill. The one and only time i ever did.

Once we broke up, i remember thinking that i would be a bit more careful the next time. That i wanted to be in love the next time. Completely.

One time after that i did fell in love with someone else. He didn’t fall in love with me.

It all seems like such a long time ago. Only for around six years i used contraception. Because it was normal. The thing you do. Like, you wouldn’t want to get pregnant, right?

I still feel very happy i decided against continuing with the pill when i was in my early twenties. I don’t think i should ever have taken the pill for my cramps. There are other less invasive medicines i could have used for that.

As fot the literature about the pill, i haven’t dived into that. There are many sources online, a quick search will do. Or simply start with reading the wikipedia article about birth control.

Published on August 6, 2019 at 6:00 by

Thinking out loud

Two weeks ago i woke up in the middle of the night. I sat up straight in my bed. Thoughts were running through my head. I could hear them loud and clear.

I forgot. Of course. But i know what surrounded this night. The evening before i started reading the book Staat van Verwarring written by Ad Verbrugge. A book wherein erotic love between a man and a woman stands in the middle. A book wherein surrendering is almost impossible in our current atomized postmodern time.

I don’t know if i can surrender. Or want to? I do dream about it. It is a steady background fantasy in my life. So on the one hand yes, of course i want this. In a perfect situation, with the perfect man, i would love that this would happen to me. It doesn’t mean i want to be loved and cherished and worshiped. I want a friend. A true friend. Someone i can take care of. Someone to laugh with. Talk with about anything. Cook for. Cuddle with. And yes, have sex with. I’d love that. Truly.

But right now, i have some other things on my mind. Like those words in my mind two weeks ago. The words i forgot. Which i hope will come back to me eventually. There is something in my mind which needs to get out, desperately. After that, well, that is for another time. For now, i need to make more effort to try and say what i really want to say in as clear a voice as i can have.

Enjoy the weekend. Salute!

Published on July 26, 2019 at 6:00 by

Falling out of love

I am growing older. I see it in the photo i just made of myself. More wrinkles. I did make the photo a lot brighter in photoshop. Vanity. Yeah.

I am still single. Living by myself. It is still my dream, falling in love. I left it once, in my silent time. Didn’t think about it much then. For the past five years it has been changing. I am growing up. Growing stronger. Thinking more. Even though it is still hard for me to speak my mind clearly, to find the time to relax and think properly and let the words form inside me and speak them. Difficult.

My dream of falling in love and someone else falling in love with me is very private. I kept it for myself mostly. It is not the biggest dream i have. My biggest dream is me leading the life i want to lead. Talking with people, in public. Talking about this world, what we make of it. Talking about our ideas, our wishes. Talking about celebrities, and why we love them. Talking about changes we can make in our lives. Talking about making our lives more truthful, about working together for a better future. Talking about working together making the world a better place for all the living beings on it.

Stuff like that.

So right now, i’m actually falling out of love. I don’t have the time. Sorry no. Not for me, not right now.

I have work to do.

Published on July 19, 2019 at 6:00 by

Once more

It is warm. The warm stones are nice. My mother points. Behind me. My dad is standing there. With something in front of his face.


This is a dream. A dream when i was in my early twenties.

It is a memory. A memory dream. Something that really happened to me. Not something terribly important. Just me, my mom, my dad. And a camera.

I had the photograph. I was around a year and a half. A chubby white haired little girl. Not looking very happy. Concentrated. Looking behind me. My mom sitting in a chair with dark hair set in a high bun pointing towards the camera.

It was 1965.

My father is not visible in the photograph. He is the photographer.


I misplaced the photo. Lost it, i guess. The memory is still vivid. I can still feel the warmth of the stones beneath my hands. Happy. Careless. Not a worry on my mind.

8 February 1986. Saturday. For two months i have been living by myself in the west part of Rotterdam. Loving it. Still studying Industrial Design in Delft.

This evening i made drawings. I had done a water colour presentation drawing course in Delft. This evening i made a set of drawings which puzzled me. Six drawings, the first three of me and my life up until that time. The last three more general. I didn’t understand them.

When i was done i remember looking at these drawings. Surprised. Puzzled. Not sure when i got the feeling i should give away these drawings. Within a few days at least. The next week i made a box for them. They were small. Around 10 x 15 centimeters.

The first time i gave them away was to my then best friend. We stopped seeing each other within a few months. She gave the drawings back to me, after a couple of weeks.

The second time i gave them away was in ten years time, the mid 90s. A new best friend. She gave them back to me as well. I remember watching the drawings while they were at her place. I think it was clear these drawings ment a lot to me. Maybe that was the reason she gave them back.

These drawings ended up in the cupboard in my living room. I wasn’t looking at them. I almost forgot i had drawn them.


In October 2014 i had my sledgehammer moment. A few weeks after that i got the drawings out of the cupboard and set them in the bookcase. Clearly visible.

In November i thought that it would be a good idea to give these drawings away to Green Gartside of Scritti Politti. Since 1985 i have admired his songs and writings and voice. I tried to get in touch, but i knew he was a very private person. Nothing came of it.

A year later i read that Scritti Politti would be giving a concert in London on 5 February 2016 in the Roundhouse. I ordered a ticket, bought a bus ticket, booked an airbnb close to the Roundhouse. I was set.

That evening, after the gig, i did give my drawings to Green Gartside. It took a bit of time. So many people wanted to talk to him. I was a bit hesitant. His wife recognized me from earlier gigs in 2006. I told her i had something i wanted to give to him. She called him over. These moments are etched in my mind.

This is more than three years ago. I’m still happy i found the courage to gave these drawings away to someone i admire. It is one of the happiest memories i have.

The work i do. The work i enjoy. The work from which i learn. Yes, this here. On the internet. There is of course the work i made before. At home. At artschool. The drawings i made before i went to artschool. A prelude.

I still remember my first steps online. The very first words i wrote online. The first gif animations i made. Glorious.

I made steps. I took breaks. Sometimes a couple of days. A week.

Then eight years.

I remember when i stopped making presents. I didn’t let go, no. I kept it on my mind. The first few years anyway. In the end though, making presents had disappeared. I lived my life. Time moved on.

I still don’t know what happened, why i felt like this sledgehammer hit me. I don’t know what caused it. It did get me back to work. First on, a couple of months later on My work changed. More photography. The short films. Cooking. Singing. And three years ago the garden. I’m not hiding anymore.

Not that every day is a great day, hell no. Great days are rare. But still, quite a few good days. I do enjoy the rhythm this website gives my life. A new post five days a week, at six in the morning. Five weeks vacation each year. Like a regular job.

I am fifty-five. Over halfway my life. There are so many things i still need to work on. My health. My weight. My patience. My anger. My understanding.

The past five years i worked on myself. Trying to let go of anger. Which is difficult. Trying to be kind. Easy with people i do not know. Harder when i feel hurt. I try to look at the world with an open mind. Still working on that one.

I am lucky to be born in the Netherlands. This wealthy part of the world. I am lucky to have had an education. I am lucky i was able to make my own choices. For the most part. I am lucky.

After this post i will take a three week break. And then i will make a decision about my life. What work i want to do. What work i am able to do. I would prefer to keep on working on this website. Keep on working in the garden. But it is not all up to me.

I hope things will work out. I hope i can continue on my path to leading a fuller life. I hope for a bit of happiness. I hope for a bit of love. I hope to meet many people, i hope to talk with many people. How we would like the world to be. Not as it is right now. Something to work towards. Together.

I did find a bit of peace in me. A place of quiet.


Published on June 21, 2019 at 6:00 by


In 1978 my musical tastes turned. Up until that time my eldest sister was my main influence on my music taste. From 1978, fourteen years old, i developed my own. Gruppo Sportivo, Nina Hagen, Elvis Costello, The Police, The Specials, Madness. This was the music i loved between 1978 and 1980. In my mixtapes on Spotify i have many songs from these days.

A week ago while i was browsing youtube, i came across Naturträne, a song by Nina Hagen. I hadn’t heard this song for years. This song is not on Spotify. Neither is Unbeschreiblich Weiblich, a glorious song for my fourteen year old self. For the rest of the week this song played around in my head.

I did do an earlier post about my school diaries. I just went through them again. Great.

So here are songs from these years. I love to look up all these songs! Yay!

Nina Hagen

Gruppo Sportivo

Elvis Costello

The Police

The Specials


Published on June 3, 2019 at 6:00 by

A little something

I published many drawings the last months. I have grown quiet. I’m thinking.

I do plan to write a post about myself. My views about myself. My idea of my future, my past. In this world. It will take me a month or two. Guessing that.

Quiet. Yes.


Published on May 7, 2019 at 6:00 by

Yes or no?

I had previous posts, asking myself this question: yes or no? Up until now I thought the answer would be yes. But there is a hesitation. There is a fear of showing myself completely. A fear of the nakedness, the utter exposure of me.

It is getting less. One step at a time. One day at a time.

So the answer is still yes. I hope i can find the courage to go ahead. The will to show myself. To sing and dance and smile and laugh. Be happy! Gloriously happy.

I hope.

Published on March 26, 2019 at 6:00 by


There are so many things i long for. Fame, fortune, appreciation, friends, love, sex. Most of these things to me are silly.

Fame? What is the use of that? Well, i can imagine a couple of uses. Having people’s attention. All the people. So i can talk about the things which are important to me. Gardening, food, the world, what we should do and not do to make it a better world. But in itself, fame is not that important. Not that i ever really wanted it. It is just, of lately i can see some more uses of it. Practical things, you know.

Fortune? I need a bit of fortune, of course. But with a lot of money i could actually buy stuff. Ground, in cities, to make gardens. Mines, and give them to the people working there. For example. For which i need billions. Well, i don’t know how my life will continue. Maybe, maybe not. No idea. And all these ideas i have could change.

Appreciation. I have a bit. From friends. I’m happy with that. I hope somewhere in the future lies my best work. With films of course. Video clips.

Friends? I have friends. Not very close, not as close as i want, but still. I have many people around me i like and who like me. Most from the garden. I would like some close friends. But i can live without for now. A bit. 🙂

Love? Aah…. a big one. The big one. This is what my heart longs for. Deeply. Completely. I never had this. Never. Only the one person who i had sex with. Some i fell in love with, but eventually grew out of love with. Yeah, this is what i dream of. Long for. Desperately want. With the whole of my heart. It won’t last of course. The love itself. When you grow older. When you die. It will disappear. I think about that. Falling in love with someone, grow old, and stay alone after he dies.

Sex? The past four years have been more sexual. The eight years before that, when i played World of Warcraft, I felt no sexual desire. Not as i do now. This is connected with love. I imagine meeting somebody who will become a close friend. With whom i will also have sex. Slowly. With desire. I feel like i’m slowly getting there. I masturbated a lot four years ago. This has grown less over the years. I do imagine what it would be like. To have someone real in front of me. With all his faults. As i do have faults. Of course. But still, somebody i will like. Who will be a friend. Who i can talk with about anything. Laugh with. Cuddle up with. And yes, have sex with. I do long for that physical closeness.

I thought i had moved beyond longing for these things. They are still in the back of my mind. Some smaller than others. Love and sex are the big ones. I should think about friends more. I don’t mind being alone. But i do miss really close friends. I hope i will move on with my life. I hope i will find a way to get myself out of here. To work yes.

A salute to you, my reader.

Published on January 21, 2019 at 6:00 by

Hey there

Since around two days i wanted to write something. It is still not clear what i want to write. Something about my current life, my current feelings about it. Which do change all the time.

I remember posting the short film Human on 31 December 2018. I’m glad it was finished in time. Not really sure why i wanted to post it in 2018. It felt right. I guess. The days after that i felt a bit down. I was happy with it. Yes. But it was hard leaving the film behind.

I still think about the film. The choices i made. The difference between before and after i published the film. Now i see more, now i see why i made the film look like it does. It is quiet. It is slow. I really like the few things which go slower and faster. I love the portraits of my friends. Love love love them. I also love the mid part of the movie, the children playing. I do think it needs more publicity. But i also see it is very different from most of the products currently made. So i’m not sure which way to go. I’m not sure about anything right now. So i do nothing much.

I am happy with the feedback i got from my friends. Most seem to like the film. A good way to start.

This has not become the post i had in mind. Like i said, it wasn’t clear to me what i wanted to write. I didn’t know how i felt.

It is still not clear to me.

Published on January 18, 2019 at 6:00 by