Categories for My story

Making mistakes

Over the past few years i felt i was working towards something. Something good. Battling for myself. Striving towards a life worth living. Something different. Different from now.

I slowly start to realize that this will not be possible. I am learning, sure. But i still make mistakes. Sometimes i apologize. Sometimes not. My life simply continues. On and on.

I am learning to think before i speak, but i can not overthink everything i do. There is still room for the unexpected, the unrehearsed. The spontaneous. I remember a couple of moments in my life in which this occurred. Not many, no. But they did.

So now, when i think about my future, i think of a difficult life. Having things to think about. Having meetings to think about. Not knowing which way to go. Not knowing what to say. Not knowing.

I know i could continue with my life as it is right now. Safe. Easy. Undemanding.

What do i want? What do i really really want? Really really really?

I want the life that fits me. But what is that life? Am i not already living that life? With the upcoming money troubles, within a year or so, if i continue living as i do? Something i need to deal with. I know that. I know.

Can i keep quiet, think about what happens to me and take a course? Is that what i am doing right now?

I hope. I really hope.

Published on September 16, 2020 at 6:00 by

Open up

It is all about now. The present. This very moment. Very hard to grasp. Very hard to present to the world. Now.

Not right now. Not yet. Still half a day away.

I leave you with this lovely Dutch windmill with cosmos flowers and sunflowers in front of it. photographed yesterday while i made a walk around the Bergse Voorplas. You can see this mill from 3:00 in the clip below.

Published on September 15, 2020 at 6:00 by

Which way

As i said last week in Growing up slowly:

I am still not sure which way to go. I hope i will find something to move me soon. It might be my drawing. I hope it is. Not sure though. I hope i can find a first step to take with confidence.

I am not happy with my life as it is today. I am not happy with what i do, not happy with the people i see. Some i find really nice, some i appreciate a lot. But yes, i do feel like most people around me are trying to hold me back. Warning me of what might happen. Warning me of the dangers. Ending up on the street with no money at all.

I get that.

I do have to be honest with myself. I am waiting for something, and it doesn’t come. I need to get up and do something myself. I have these ideals and fantasies, well, prove it. Show them. Do it. Do it now!

Well, that’s me being dramatic. I just have to keep going on. Find a bit of rest. And draw, keep up this blog. Simple things really. Follow my own thoughts, not the ones other people are telling me. Simple 🙂

Published on August 27, 2020 at 6:00 by

Growing up slowly

I didn’t realise i had already written a post about growing up.

I am still growing up. I do feel progress. I am getting a bit more control over myself. But i still make many mistakes, many ill judgements. Learning every single day. Thinking about the day. Figuring out what to do next. Make my excuses when i need to.

I have this temporary space. A bit of money and a place to live. I am already working on a new movie. It will be a month or two i think before it is finished.

Source: Growing up

It is now more than two years later. I still feel the same way. I hope i am right when i feel myself growing up. I still make many mistakes. I still feel many things that confuse me. Pull me in different directions. I still think thoughts about which i am not sure. I still do things to postpone doing something else, to lead my thoughts away from problems, to distract myself.

I am still quite inexperienced. Inexperienced with men most of all. I have protected myself, not consciously, but still.

I like to call myself bright, intelligent. But most often i am stupid, dumb, self involved, shortsighted, blind.

I can only accept this. Do my best and try to learn as much as possible. Really learn, in depth. Really look at myself. Really think about what i do, what i feel. Don’t run away in fantasies, all to easy to me.

The past months have been a learning experience. Better said, my entire life is a learning experience. Every single bit of it. Some days i do fine. Some days i do worse. Hopefully i do learn a little bit from everything.

The past months of not having a home anymore are a lesson to me. I do really value this. I do see how i am limiting my feeling of home to the one room i am renting. My place. My little home.

I am still not sure which way to go. I hope i will find something to move me soon. It might be my drawing. I hope it is. Not sure though. I hope i can find a first step to take with confidence. Preferably before my money runs out.

🙂

Published on August 18, 2020 at 6:00 by

Delusion

Still single.

But i do dream, i do fall in love at times, i do feel aroused at times. The last time was last weekend, and it confused me. Terribly. I felt pretty sure this wasn’t going to be anything serious, but it sure felt like that for two days. It did hit me quite full on. Too confused to think this through, i could only feel my body react.

So yes, there were a couple of hours in which i simply felt overtaken by desire. Wham.

It is not what i wish for myself. Still difficult to get through.

It has become less over the past 24 hours. Today i added some elements to my drawing. I started designing a booklet about vegetables and dishes from the garden. I listened to some music. I played a bit of wow and stardew valley. I stared out of the window and looked at the trees with their leaves moving in the slight wind.

I hope i am managing. I hope i can finish my drawing in a couple of weeks. I hope i can keep myself on the right track. Or rather, my own track.

I do feel a bit sad leaving this behind me. But that is also a delusion. It is all in my own head. Walk on!

Published on July 14, 2020 at 6:00 by

A difficult life

It still feels to me i’m standing at a crossroads in my life. I have made choices already. The most important one is selling the house i lived in. I still live on the surplus of money i got from that.

There is a knot of unrest inside of me. I am not sure how to live on. How to spend the rest of my days.

We all live our own lives, with all the difficulties that comes with it. It is different for each and everyone. This is my life. With everything that comes with it. I made it myself, with all the choices i have taken in my past. Some good, some bad. I need to own it, every single one.

I don’t want to be dramatic. I do feel confused, not sure, not clear cut about the direction my life is headed towards. I feel careful. Not at ease.

I am thinking. About the world, about what is happening, about how we act, what we do, what we say.

It is difficult. Absolutely.

Published on July 7, 2020 at 6:00 by

Lovely

Alone. That is just it. That is how i feel. That is how my life is.

It is not the worst thing. And also, so many people feel like this. Alone. Trying to run away from it. Trying not to see it. Trying to forget it.

It is not the worst thing. It does make me sad at times. But on the whole, i can manage.

I hope i have grown a bit stronger over the years.

The world is beautiful. The birds sing and fly. The leaves wave in the wind. The sky is still a blue with a little tinge of orange and pink. Small clouds are standing still in the sky.

The traffic makes a lot of noise yes.

But still. Lovely.

Published on June 25, 2020 at 6:00 by

Quiet work

A week ago i got the idea for a new drawing. I did start on a drawing in the house i just moved out of, but it wasn’t good enough. So that one is unfinished. This new idea made me really happy. Something with the world and many of the things that are going on.

I’m still at the start of it. I still need to think about it lots. I need peace and quiet around me, in me to get it done.

It will take me a couple of weeks, maybe even two months or so to get it finished. Hopefully.

I’m happy i have something to do, something to think about, something to work for.

Enjoy your weekend. Salute!

Published on June 19, 2020 at 6:00 by

A path of many windings

Life leads the thoughtful man on a path of many windings.
Now the course is checked, now it runs straight again.
Here winged thoughts may pour freely forth in words,
There the heavy burden of knowledge must be shut away in silence.
But when two people are at one in the inmost hearts,
They shatter even the strength of iron or of bronze.
And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts,
Their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids.

Confucius

Published on June 16, 2020 at 6:00 by

A month

Yesterday i moved into my new room, which i rented for the next month. Today i decided that in this month i will think about what i want, what direction i want to move into. Last week i said to Ted that it felt to me like i was on a large marshalling yard with all tracks linking to each, with no clear idea of the direction i want to take. Confusing. I want this to become clear. As clear as possible at least.

I admit, i do feel lonely. I feel sad about it. I can not run away from this feeling, i have to go through it. I need to solve this, and if not, learn to live with this and hopefully make the best of the rest of my life.

It feels to me that the past five years i have been trying to set myself free of constraints. Free of ideas i only half belief in, free of ideas other people have put in my mind without me thinking about them.

I know i live a dangerous life. I know i have chosen this for myself. It’s not a life i particularly like. It is full of worries. Unexpected events. Sudden twists and turns. But it is my life, my own choices, my own wishes, completely my own. I am not letting go. I am not giving in.

Of course i have desires. I have needs. I would love to have some friends, people i can trust, people i can talk with about anything. And i would love to have somebody real close to me, a true friend. To hug and kiss. Somebody i am still missing in my life.

I need to fix my life. Somehow.

Published on June 9, 2020 at 6:00 by