Categories for My story

The future

I live in this world which is already made up: houses which are build a hundred years ago, streets which are made a hundred years ago. I live in this little piece of land, the Netherlands, the Low Countries. In this world, with those mighty big cities: New York, Shanghai, Delhi, Mexico City, Tokyo. With these suburbs, ghettos, slums in them and around them. People fleeing into the cities, trying to find a way to survive this world. This complacent world going ahead on its course not aware of anything that goes wrong. The insects and fish and animals which are becoming extinct each and every day: 150 species each day. Each single day.

And i am sitting here on this piece of the world, the Netherlands. It is icy cold. You need to work work work to get some money money money to live your life life life as good as you can imagine wish dream. People are happy happy happy here, or so they say.

I try to manage my life here. But my money money money is slowly running out. I still live officially in my old house, i get my post there. There still isn’t anyone else living there, strangely enough. But this will not last forever.

I have these scary thoughts and feelings, but i don’t let them take over me. I want a life worth living. Scary thoughts are part of the life i want. It can all go wrong. Of course!

Stand tall.

Be proud.

Be confident.

I will make mistakes. Of course. But it is not the end of my life. Not there yet.

Published on January 14, 2022 at 6:00 by

The Academy

Today, Sunday 2 January 2022, i walked to the library. On my way over there i met Mr. Renault, an old neighbour from my home at the Lombardkade. We talked a little. He told me there still didn’t live anyone in my old house, which really surprised me. I asked him if i could come by and check my post one time in the next few weeks. The mailbox doesn’t have a key, so i only need to get into the porch. That was fine with him. I also met some people i didn’t know who i wished best wishes to. One woman who was looking up at the houses at the beginning of the Nieuwe Binnenweg. What are you looking at, i asked. At the houses she replied. I said i liked the houses further up the road better. She said she was looking at the decorations before the windows. I said i didn’t much like those decorations. And i wished her best wishes. We laughed. Lovely.

At the library i got the four final books of the Dark Tower series written by Stephen King, in English. The first three i had read in Dutch. The fourth one was lend out. Yesterday i checked the library website to see if it was available in English. Yes!

When i walked up there, in around forty-five minutes, i thought i would walk back again. But with my bag full of books, i decided to take the bus.

I took a photograph on the square in front of the library. Then when i arrived at the bus stop close by, i took a photograph of art school across the street. Or as i call it in Dutch, the Academy (Academie). I went to art school between 1986 and 1991.

This drawing shown above i made in my first favourite year, 26 October 1986. All the different subjects i loved. Drawing, conceptual, art history, 3D. My second year i had chosen painting and graphic, but my painting was hopeless to the tutor, so i had to pick another direction. Monumental and photography it was the next year. I enjoyed photography. Monumental was harder. I stuck with those two directions. I ended up making self portraits and combining them with texts. So many self portraits. Only two contact sheets i show here below. There are two photos on these sheets which i did use for my exams.

Feel me - Free me - Fuck me, 1991
Published on January 3, 2022 at 6:00 by

My life looking back

I am born on 26 February 1964 in Vlaardingen, a small town close to Rotterdam, the Netherlands.

My first memory is a funny one. It was a remembrance dream i had when i was around twenty of a moment way back in time, when i was around one and a half. There was a photograph taken of me by my father. While i was turned towards my mother she pointed to somebody behind me and i turned back. Click. That photograph is real. That i lost it doesn’t matter, i know it is really taken on that warm day in 1965.

That is my first real memory, in which i felt alive, feeling the stones beneath my hands, the warmth of them, the happiness i felt at the time, even though in the photo i look kinda grumpy.

On my way walking to kindergarten school there was a transformation house with a skull on the door. I always walked meters around that door, or i walked to the other side of the road. I also remember walking to the house my mother worked at between kindergarten and the park.

I grew up.

I learned to control my inner feelings. I did go to Technical University and studied Industrial Design, but halfway i decided i was gonna go to art school. I enjoyed that. After school i organized an exhibition together with a friend. I learned a lot, but it wasn’t my thing. After a couple of years i decided i wanted to go and work. For five years i worked at a printer. I learned so much there. About work, about people. The mistakes i made there are a lifelong lesson. Then i was finished there, i walked away. To another job. Which lasted around 10 years, well, with a job in London in between. That was fun, to be asked to work somewhere based on what was seen on my website. Not that it was any good, but still.

In 2010 the work stopped and i went freelance for around five years.

In 2014 i stopped working freelance. I got an epiphany. I had to go back to my website and work on it. I felt it in my heart and soul. There was no way i could turn my back on this. For eight years i had stopped working on it, but now i had to go back and work work work!

And now i’m here. So many years older. Fifty seven years. And i still can not let go of it. I am still living of the money i got from selling my house, which will last me a couple of months more. And against all odds, i’m still not giving up.

This is my final written post for this year. Tomorrow i will post a drawing, however finished it is.

The first post of 2022 will be 3 January.

Enjoy your time.

Salute!

Published on December 23, 2021 at 6:00 by

Friendship

Around 2006, 2007, i stopped seeing my old friends. It was not an anti move, more a too tired to continue to see them one. Some had moved out of town, some others had gotten children, some had gotten a relationship. I felt tired of continuing to try to connect with anyone. I huddled inside and played world of warcraft. Once around 2010, 2011 i met an old friend in the center of town. I almost cried then while we talked. It had gotten to me.

Over the next four or five years me and my old friends met a couple of times. I ate with someone, i came on their allotment, i visited their studio, i stayed over for a weekend. But it didn’t continue. It wasn’t the same, not anymore. We had drifted apart.

I was on the other side of wanting to have friends. I had crossed over. I was feeling good on my own now. Which i didn’t do while i was younger, before 2006, at least not all the time. I felt happier on my own, cheerful even.

Now i have some friends connected to certain environments. Some are friends from the garden. I enjoy seeing them, talking with them. Others are friends from the market. Each Saturday i visit the market around 11 and stay there for two to three hours. We chat about all sorts of things. I usually eat something there, mussels or haring or – eek! – some chips.

But they are not best friends. I am not sure i will ever get a best friend. Maybe that time is past, maybe i have grown up too much to be able to get a new best friend. Even though i do meet new people enough. I am open enough to talk to people i meet and chat about all sorts of things.

I don’t know where and with whom my future lies. I do hope it is somewhere in a nice place.

I wish! 🙂

Published on November 22, 2021 at 6:00 by

My choices

All the choices i made have defined my life. Minor choices, major choices. Go left or right. Work or don’t work. Sell my house.

One choice was to get back to working online. I stopped in 2006. At first hesitant, but within a couple of years working online grew more to the background, till it turned out of sight. In October 2014 i got back into it.

So, here I am. Not entirely sure which way is the best. The only way forward I see is to follow my own heart. Which is a bit scary, truth be told. But i think i can handle myself. Finally.

Source

I made a few javascript presents. Experimenting a bit, getting a feel for the field. In January 2015 i wrote a post called About. That was it. My last present on lfs.nl.

And now it is November 2021. I have sold my house, almost four years ago. I lived of the money i made then up until now. Sometimes i think i should have rented a room in my old house, or have waited a while and made much more money. But that is all in the past, long gone. I gotta deal with what i have done in the past, not regret the decisions i have made. No use.

The past weeks, ever since i moved into this house i am living in for now, i was lying awake a couple of hours each night, feeling afraid of what is lying ahead of me. Despair. The feeling of the coming time as a time destitute of meaning, me loosing everything i have, me living on the streets.

During the days i felt better. But at night these anxious feelings crept over me. This week though it was less. The idea of writing a post which will spread over the world is still in me. I’m not sure this post is what i had in mind. I gotta let go for a bit to write something i think is valuable.

I am not going into working at the garden anymore. I do visit sometimes, usually at Fridays. Tomorrow, Friday, i will be going there. I will drink a cup of tea and then i will go to Spirit and drink some coffee or eat smething and read a newspaper. I try to keep things normal as long as possible.

It does feel i am crawling further. Slow to the ground. Keeping aware of a couple of things that gets mentioned on facebook and twitter. Aware that for most people this world is like a hellhole. And other people unaware of that. I am not sure which way to go.

It is odd to me that i haven’t found a boyfriend over the years. It’s not i do need a boyfriend, i am at ease on my own. But over the years i have felt attracted to some people. It just never worked out. And i outgrew each time i fell for somebody. The last time i fell something for somebody is years ago. And still, i’d love to be with somebody. Someone to talk with, cuddle with, cook for, kiss with, have sex with. But i am picky.

I still hope i will find someone. Will find some happiness in this world. Will find work i enjoy doing. Hopefully.

Published on November 12, 2021 at 6:00 by

My weekly schedule

Monday
To be honest, i don’t fully remember what i did last Monday. I might have gone out and emptied the compost bin. Pretty sure i did that. After that i walked back home through the park. I set the compost bin downstairs and went on to the supermarket. Other than that, i read, watched youtube, a bit of tv. Monday it is Silent Witness time. Enjoyed that.

Tuesday
I went outside and walked into the centre and brought back a book to the library. I ate some Turkish meat with garlic and hot sauce. I walked up to Spirit where i sat down and had a small plate of food and read a newspaper, the Trouw. I went home taking the bus.

Wednesday
This day i did a rare thing, i went to the cinema. Dune is a movie which has been on my radar for two years or so. The day before i walked past a cinema and the thought came up to see if there was one just starting. It wasn’t. But the thought stuck and the next day i went to another cinema at 13:00 and enjoyed watching this movie. A bit much, lots of sound and big big space ships and vast desert vistas. But i have the Dune books for around forty years and reread them multiple times. I felt happy when i walked out of the cinema.

Thursday
In the afternoon i took a shower, washed my hair. Nothing much more.

Friday
In the morning i walked to the garden and drank a cup of tea. After that i went to Spirit once again, drank coffee and had osawa cake. Not entirely fitting with my keto diet, it is more of a guilty pleasure. In the evening i watched Gardener’s World!

Saturday
In the morning i walked to the Harvest Market. The weather was good, but i knew rain was predicted for the afternoon. Around one i went back home. I watched Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy late in the afternoon early in the evening.

Sunday
Today its a slow day. I did went out to go to the AH to get some things to eat. But stayed at home the rest of the day.

This week Thursday 7 October i will move to another place. It is only ten minutes away from where i am living now. I can stay there for around six months. Not too expensive. And it is a place where i live by myself. Looking forward to that. Really!

Published on October 4, 2021 at 6:00 by

Abortion and other things

I am not sure how i feel about abortion. For me right now it is no longer an issue, since i can not get pregnant anymore. I’m also quite careful with myself. I did not have penetrative sex with anybody for the past 28 years. But when i was younger i was taking the pill for five years. Taking the pill. Simple words for something not so simple at all. When i was around 21 or 22 years old i stopped taking it. I wasn’t having sex, i felt i was putting these hormones in my system each and every day for no reason at all. Well, apart from my period. But once i stopped with them i found out my period wasn’t giving me the aches i had when i was younger. So that was that.

In 1993 i had a short relationship of around two months. The last time we had sex the condom broke. My partner suggested to me to take a morning after pill. Which i did. I didn’t want to get pregnant. Of course i was uncertain i was pregnant at all, but to be sure i felt it was a passable thing to do. I never had any thoughts about having a abortion ever in my life. I’m happy to say.

What would i have done if i was pregnant? In the ideal situation i would be in a steady relationship and i would have gotten the child. But if not, what would i have done? I don’t know. I have been thinking about this for the past few years. Or rather, thinking about why i never got a child, why i never got a boyfriend. Was i too picky? Was i setting myself up with too high demands? Didn’t i have a child wish?

I don’t think i had. I’m leaving behind the question why i didn’t have a boyfriend to another post, or not talk about that at all. A child of my own. No, that wasn’t in my system. I cried over it one time in my early 40s. The past few years i thought about this once again and i do feel sorrow over this. Sorrow my life will not be the usual life most people experience, of having a relationship, having children growing up in your care.

While i’m writing this i do feel tears coming up. But i am not full of regret. I can accept this as a fact, as a consequence of my own choosing how to live my own life. I can see the different roads a life can take. I took a different path than the one most people take.

I do feel the need to be more careful with me take on abortion. I’m not against it, but i am also not in favour of it. Sex and procreation are basically the same thing. The use of the pill, over the past sixty years has build a division between them. Nowadays people are used to having sex with no consequences at all. And when a little accident happens, something that doesn’t fit into your life, you get rid of it. I find myself doubting my own views from when i was so much younger, when i was so very much pro abortion, in an idealized sense of course. On the whole i do criticize my own thoughts from those days, my 20s and 30s mostly. I don’t think i was actually thinking my thoughts in that time. Simply repeating the things i heard around me, making a selection of the best sounding thoughts.

Right now i am trying to stay clear of having my own set of thoughts. I am trying to listen more, stay quiet and pay attention what other people are saying, without letting these thoughts taking me over.

Strange how ones life can develop over time.

Published on September 14, 2021 at 6:00 by

What i do not want

I enjoy watching Escape to the Country. I do think earlier, a couple of years ago, i would like to live in a house like those shown in there. Especially the above 600k pounds one of course. But lately, for the past couple of months, i do realise i do not want this. Not anymore. I do not want the peace and quiet. I do not want the lazy drawn out afternoons. I do not want to walk outside over the fields and the footpaths. Not anymore.

I put on weight. I drank a bottle of wine each day. This lasted until 2011, when i got the diagnosis of diabetes 2. I didn’t think much about it at first. I took my medicines. I did stop drinking that much, but still a bottle of wine each week. I have lost around twenty kilos, i’m happy to say. The final ten are a pain, but i do hope i will manage somehow. And around two years ago i stopped drinking alcohol pretty much all together. Two bottles a year, one for Christmas, one for my birthday. And i might even stop with those. Together with the ketogenic diet i do feel i’m stopping the development of the diabetes somehow. And getting healthier at the same time.

I haven’t been working in the garden for the last few months. I’m not sure why. It does feel like i should take a bit more distance, decide what i want to do there, if anything. It feels like i should make some important decisions. Some decisions i can not talk about with other people. Yes that is it. I do feel something looming over me. The past two weeks i have not been my usual cheery self. I am stuck in front of something. I do need to determine what direction i want to move into. It is all a bit muddy inside my head. But it should clear up over time.

Published on August 17, 2021 at 6:00 by