Categories for My story

Strong enough

That sledgehammer moment, more than five years ago, is still clear to me. That moment which shook my up, made me shiver, made me fall in love. Not with somebody i know, no. It is not the most important aspect of it to me. I have fallen in love with one or two other people since then. But only fleetingly. For like a week or two. Getting it over with quickly.

Working in the garden has taught me so much. About plants, about the schedule, about the compost, about the seeding, the harvesting. About the people too. Some of them i like as my friends. But it is all fleeting. Almost transparent.

I had a talk with a friend a couple of months ago. He told me i was not thinking straight. Delusional almost. He told me i was thinking that i was going to be saved through my website. He told me to give it up. A fantasy. Not real. I kept thinking about that talk for a long time. I remember crying. I remember at the end of the talk saying i am a woman. I am still not sure what to think of that talk.

I am feeling extremely determined. I am not budging. I feel almost like growling. I am not going along with all this. I am not agreeing. No no no no. I can see how i used to do this. Trying to find a place for myself. A place where i can feel happy. Feel loved. Feel free.

I still haven’t found it.

I know. Of course. The only possible place is with me. To find strength in myself. Power. Resistance. Intelligence.

Difficult. I do want to cave in at times. Simply keep on living, with not too much effort. Hide in the masses. Not being visible. Not being seen.

So i find myself here at the end of times. I do feel stronger. I just hope i’m strong enough. For what is coming. Of which i am not sure.

I only have hopes and fantasies and dreams guiding me. Most will not come true.

I have found myself. So happy i did.

Published on December 13, 2019 at 6:00 by


I spend today walking from shop to shop. I bought two bigger steel brushes and two smaller brass brushes to clean the garden tools in both the Vredestuin and the Vredestuin Noord. I went in several supermarkets looking for wooden nail brushes for Daniël. I finally found them in the Jumbo, the last supermarket i went to. Ninety-one cents. Yay!

I did think about what i wrote yesterday. A part of me stands behind it. Another part thinks it is a bit too neat, a bit too clean. Which is what i am not. Clean i mean. It is so easy to let myself be drawn in by the words i use. They tell their own story.

But i do feel i need to fight. Stand up for myself. Be quiet when i need to be. Talk when i feel i need to say something. Say what i feel. Clearly.

Enjoy your weekend. See you next week!

Published on November 29, 2019 at 6:00 by

Mixed and opposite

The last few days have been intense.

Sometimes i feel so happy. Sometimes i have tears in my eyes, so sad. Sometimes i feel confused, not sure what to feel. Sometimes i feel angry, grrrrr. Sometimes i feel worried. Sometimes i feel scared. Sometimes i feel sexy, longing for somebody. Sometimes i feel quiet. Sometimes not.

I have said it at times, i am my own worst enemy. So true. I don’t think i really understood what i was saying. It is getting clearer now. My own worst enemy. I am holding myself back. I am trying to fit in. I am trying to build a life for myself. Still.

Today while i was walking to the garden and afterwards walking back home, i realized. I have to let it go. I am almost there. Almost at the cusp. Ellen, let it go. Please. Up until now i am kidding myself. Trying to make myself smaller, more insignificant. Do not look at me. Do not see me. I am not here. Scared. Hiding.

I want to live the best life i can imagine. I want to be rich in experience. I want to share my thoughts and my feelings. With everybody. I want to love and be loved. With someone.

Trust yourself Ellen. You can do it.

Published on November 28, 2019 at 6:00 by

A good day in the garden and a lovely pot luck!

The title says it all. Yesterday i made some soup with celeriac and cauliflower and leeks and onions and cavolo nero and chard and the little hot peppers from the garden. Then of course meatballs! Because i wasn’t thinking of today and the pot luck. I did bring the soup though, and some non-vegetarian people liked it. I liked it too!

So that is it for now. Going to bed, watching Expedition Robinson. A guilty pleasure. No way in the world i would ever join it myself. Not that i will be asked of course. See you tomorrow. I hope you have a good day today. Salute!

Published on November 25, 2019 at 6:00 by


Last week i had a talk with a friend. She told me some things don’t register until they happen. You may know they will happen. But only when you are in the midst of it you can think and act on it. That is similar to how i feel right now. Two years ago i sold my house. I knew then i could only live in it for two more years. I knew time would move fast. But still, it feels like it is not real. It feels like it won’t happen. But it will.

I have talked about it here on, my sledgehammer moment. Five years ago, i felt like i was hit. Hit hard.


I started working on my website again. Then Now My work. My thoughts, my photographs, my walks, my work in the garden, my homemade skincare. Five updates a week. I never missed one. My work.

Crazy. Foolish. Giving up everything i have. Selling my house. Giving up paid work. Insane. Strange. This world we live in wants you to work, make your own money, pay for your own living. It is senseless to fight it. This is the way the world functions. Stupid woman. Stupid stupid woman.

That is me talking to myself. Sometimes I do cave in. The pressure i sometimes feel is too big. There is a reason i gave myself two years of living in my old home with enough money to not worry about anything. A time-out. Free space. A sabbatical. Time to think about me and this world. This time is rapidly coming to an end. I do hope i am finding the courage to continue living my life the way i want and let my voice be heard in a clear manner.

This is a difficult time. I am aware that every single thing i do has unexpected ramifications. It is so easy to stick to the easy ways. To stay safe. Secure. Protected. Not what i want. Absolutely not. Yes, i am scared. But until now i will not let that prevent me from growing and learning and enjoying life. With friends. Smiling at the people i meet on the streets. Smiling at the children i see on the streets. Happy.

Every single day everybody makes choices. This way or that way. Go with the flow. Go against the flow. Make it easy. Make it hard. Talk. Be quiet. Most choices are not conscious. You do not think about them. And so we all live in this world with its history and its ways and customs and its future. Most people go with the flow. Some people fall out.

This is it. This is the way of the world.

Is it?

I am sitting here behind my computer with tears in my eyes. I don’t have any answers. I do have lots of questions. About what people do and say all over the world. About what the future could bring. About what has shaped the world to be as it is today. About globalization, the internet, money, business, the rainforest, Europe, Brexit, Trump.

It is difficult to keep myself together. My mind is full of thoughts and images and sounds. I watch youtube, television, movies. I read. I listen to music. I dance. I sing. I work in the garden. I am not letting it go. I am not caving in. I am not admitting defeat. I am standing still. I am trying to keep my peace, look outside and figure out what is there.

We all live on this world together. Right here, right now. On this seemingly little insignificant pinpoint of a planet falling through the universe.

We all make choices every single day, every single moment. I have made so many mistakes, so many wrong turns. The main mistake is the absence of choice. Simply let the society you live in make a decision for you. Do this. Do that. Live like this. Or like that. Do whatever comes in our mind. Listen to us. We know better.

I stand still. Not sure which way to go. Trying to find a clear thought. Trying to make sense of it all.

I am of course mad as hell. Livid. Furious, deep down, below the surface of a gentle woman.

I hope, i trust i can make some right choices in the nearby future.

Published on November 22, 2019 at 6:00 by


The past few days i’ve had some talks with friends about some things on my mind. Some things happening in the past, some things only a few weeks ago. Later on i realized i was wrong. Wrong in telling the stories like i did. Wrong i what i said. Damn. I do my best, but it is difficult. I make mistakes. Every single day.

I have had major failures in my life. I messed up a lot. From way back when i was eight or ten or twelve or fourteen or whenever. Some are still clear signs. My working in London. A failure in one sense. Halfway decent in another. My breaking up with friends. Also a major failure. Several times in my life too.

I am getting a bit better in controlling myself and how i behave with other people. I like to listen. Give ti time. Let people talk about what is on their mind. Listen carefully. With attention. I still fail at it, at times. But it does work sometimes.

I know. I have to let it go. I have to accept myself. Accept the world for what it is. Accept my life for what it has become. Fight for change. Ask questions, sure. Stay close to me.

Find some peace.

Published on November 4, 2019 at 6:00 by

A bit down

Today i felt bit down. Like a heavy feeling inside, pulling me towards it. It is of course about the imminent changes in my life. They scare me. But i simply can not let go. It is not always like this. Some days i have things to do which distract me.

I’m looking around in my house and see it is all temporary. It will all fade away.I question myself: why? Why do i let it come to this? Am i crazy? I might just well be. There is such a small chance that i will find something to make my life worth living. On the other hand, i have found so much! The gardens, the trees, the veggies, the people, the flowers, the worms, the insects. So many things, right here in the middle of Rotterdam.

I do hope with all my heart i can turn my life around. With all my heart.

Published on October 22, 2019 at 6:00 by


Earlier this week i got an idea for today’s post: health. I was thinking about my personal history with my diabetes. How i first not thought about it that much. Simply took the medicine. I did drink a bit less, no longer a bottle of wine each day. I did loose some weight, around ten to fifteen kilos. This morning, thinking about this period nine years ago, i suddenly felt tears in my eyes.

I never thought about this time as being unhappy. I knew i wasn’t terribly happy, but no, not very unhappy. Now i realize i was exactly that. Unhappy. Terribly. Feeling so unhappy with my life. Nothing i imagined had come true. I worked and played warcraft. That was it.

At that time i didn’t think about this. I didn’t feel it. I didn’t cry. I just went on. And on.

Now, i am in a much more precarious position. But i am happy! Finally. I enjoy my life. I don’t even feel that much fear about the future. I am curious, excited even. I don’t know what will happen, but i want to find out. I trust myself. I am strong. Stronger than ever before.

So yes, today i feel a bit off. I feel heavy. But this is all old pain i am feeling. And it will pass.

Enjoy your weekend! Salute!

Published on October 18, 2019 at 6:00 by


So Lonely


Next To You

Can’t Stand Losing You

Message In A Bottle

Walking On The Moon

Don’t Stand So Close To Me

De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da

Published on October 15, 2019 at 6:00 by

Left and right

I am raised in a leftist family. My father worked in the Rotterdam harbour, cleaning the big oil tanks. We had the VARA tv guide. The VARA was a leftist tv company. This was part of the Dutch pillarisation system, the politico-denominational segregation of the Dutch society in the 50s, 60s and 70s. On Saturdays we listened to In de Rooie Haan on the radio, also a VARA program. Our newspaper was Het Vrije Volk, a social-democratic newspaper. The last number of this newspaper was in 1991. On Sunday evening we watched the VPRO, aimed at educated and creative people. In the 70s and early 80s we watched All in the Family and Van Kooten en De Bie. A typical leftist Dutch family in the mid to late 20th century in the Netherlands.

I first voted when i was eighteen years old, in 1982. I voted for the Dutch Communistic Party. Firmly in favor of dividing everything equally amongst all people living. Of course. I wasn’t thinking of Russia or China. I liked Marcus Bakker. I didn’t think about it that much.

In 1981 and 1982 i had the Vrouwenagenda (Women’s Agenda) as my agenda in school. A feminist left-wing agenda. Since i went to the VWO (preparatory scientific education) i went to the Technical University – then called the Technical Highschool, still a university though. I didn’t really think about it that much either. My sister’s boyfriend was a chemistry teacher, so i went for that. After two weeks i sat home crying i didn’t want to do it anymore. Not terribly bright it appears. Not knowing what i wanted to do.

I settled for the PvdA, the Dutch labour party. I voted for them for years. Sometimes i didn’t vote, i confess. A left centric party. I didn’t think about it that much. I was working, living my own life, i had a house, i had my main hobby – maintaining my website I wasn’t thinking about politics that much. I wasn’t thinking about the world that much.

This changed in 2014. After an eight year long break of working online i got back into it. I started walking, writing, photographing, drawing, singing and filming. I found a garden in which i could work, only five minutes walking away from my house. I met new people there. It changed my life.

Over the last five years i have written a couple of posts about my thoughts about the world and its people. My first posts showed people who were imported to me. I enjoyed picking out the photos and pasting them on the world.

I am a creative person. I like to think about things going on. I always thought of myself as being a left oriented person. But things are changing.

Take abortion. This is a feminist issue, fought over by women all over the world. In the USA in some states the laws are reversed and legal abortion will soon be criminalized, in Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky, Ohio, Georgia and most recently Louisiana on May 30, 2019. I do feel happy i never had to think about having this performed on myself at all. The only thing i ever did was taking a Morning After pill in 1993. Right now i’m actually a bit confused about this thing. Of course i don’t know if i was pregnant at the time. I took this pill within days after the sex i had, in which the condom tore apart. I didn’t have sex after that time, so i never had to think about it. It is tough, i know. You have an idea of how your life will run its course. A baby is a huge obstacle, taking a lot of money and lots of time to take care of. So i can imagine a woman not wanting this. On the other hand, even though a foetus is not recognized as an independent person, to me it is still the start of a new life, with its possibilities and chances. I’m not saying women should never be allowed to have an abortion, no no. But to me, this is a difficult subject with many delicate areas. I’m not sure that the state should have the latest word in this matter. To me, the state has too many responsibilities all together.

Today’s ecological issues are difficult to grasp. On the one hand i live in the Netherlands in West Europe. Yes, it is warmer generally. But life still goes on as before. The main affected areas are way more south and close to the seas with no dikes. Pollution is everywhere. In the oceans, in the air, in the ground. The way we live on this planet, the amount of land we occupy with industrial-agrarian uses leads to the extinction of species and loss of biodiversity. These are only parts of the current problems. Many people are aware of these things, many people work at things to make it better. But more people are living in ignorance, self chosen or chosen for them. Many people still buy all the clothes they want, all the furniture they want, all the food they want. In our atomic individualized western world what we want is most important. It defines who we are. Who we like to think who we are. Who we like to believe who we are.

I am still thinking about all these things. I don’t have definitive answers. There are of course the simple things: buy less stuff, cook your own food, more vegetable gardens would be great. It is difficult.

I’m still a left oriented person. But i do not think this divide makes sense in our current world with people have shouting matches about who is to blame. It doesn’t solve anything. We have to work together to make things a bit better. Everybody.

Published on October 4, 2019 at 6:00 by