A dream that is coming up more often is a house with a garden. I don’t know where. It could be here in Rotterdam. Somewhere in the northern hemisphere. Within the climate i know and have lived in my whole life. Maybe a bit warmer. Or colder. A large garden would be best. With vegetables. And a greenhouse. A planting and seeding area. A cold frame. An area for flowers. Roses. Nasturtiums. An area where i can sit down and read. Smell the herbs. Drink a glass of wine with friends. Or tea. Eat some self made courgette cake.
A garden like Alys Fowler has and which she writes about in her book The Edible Garden. Not straight lines, not beds all perfectly in rows. But curvy, with vegetables and fruits mixed up together. A couple of trees. Berry bushes to the side. Some asparagus. Some artichoke.
That is a dream i have. That is what i love to think about. Crazy!
Published on September 25, 2018 at 6:00 by Ellen
A hectic day. In my head at least.
I overslept a bit, got in the garden half an hour later. Did some weeding. Harvested beans and courgettes. Sang a song.
Back home i made myself something to eat. I played a bit of warcraft. I listened to music. Still am listening. Thinking thoughts. No idea if this will ever happen. No idea if i will ever say what i think. I hope so.
I really do hope. Hope fills my life. Hope fills my world. It truly does.
Published on September 5, 2018 at 6:00 by Ellen
I have talked about myself and my sex life here.
Last night i was lying awake. I tossed and turned. I read a book. I went out of bed and played a bit of warcraft. And i was thinking. About writing this post. About my sex life. From my own point of view.
When i started on this post, i decided to go back and read older posts i had written about this. Too many!
Not that i mind a bit of repetition. This blog has updates five days a week, it will not be all shiny and new. There are also many different sides to ones life. Many different ways to think about it.
My silent years. The years between 2006 and 2014. The years in which i played world of warcraft. The years in which i didn’t work on my website, lfs.nl. I was thinking about it, especially closer to 2006. Nothing. And then that moment which i can still feel. That sledgehammer hit. Where it all came back alive. Confusing. Breathtaking. My decision then to start working again on lfs.nl. That final post About. Two weeks after that the first post on this website. And an about page here as well. Over three years.
I am not sure where i am heading. I have dreams. Wishes. Of course. I have a bit of money. A bit of time. But it is not set in stone.
I need to work! Work hard! Don’t give up! Don’t let other people confuse me. No way!
I apologize for this rambling post. Tomorrow is another day with a new post. See you then!
Published on August 22, 2018 at 6:00 by Ellen
I have dreams. Many dreams. Most are about someone out there who will fall in love with me. And i will fall in love with him. And we live on very happy together. Somewhere. Maybe even here in Rotterdam. In a house with a garden. My own garden. Rather big of course. And i will make it work. With a compost heap, rain falling in a water butt, a lovely smelling rose garden, a vegetable plot, herbs growing close to the kitchen. And we will have many people coming by and i will cook lovely food and bake cakes. And we will talk about the world and the companies and how things could be improved. And sometimes we go out and travel and visit the Oscars where i will wear this beautiful white and yellow and golden dress and i will go on television and do my best and listen to the people and try to make sense of it all and answer their questions as good as i can. And i will meet politicians and scientists and business people and talk with them about the world and which way we are heading and maybe we can prevent terrible things from happening.
I am still here, living in Rotterdam. I do bake cakes. I do work in the gardens around me, close to my home. Where i am allowed to keep on living for the next year and a half.
I don’t know what will happen. To me. To this world. Nobody knows what will happen.
Dreams. Dreams about another life, somewhere glorious.
But my life already is wonderful. I already do feel happy. With all the little things. The people living around me. Ordinary people i chat with. Or simply say good morning to in passing. I love living. I don’t worry.
Yes, i am working on my next videoclip. Filming people passing by, little children playing in the center with water features, older people sitting on a bench and feeding birds. I love it. Sitting outside in the center of the city and looking out and smiling and filming and trying to see a few thing in a new way.
I am not sure what will happen to me. I hope someday i will be so busy i do not have time to dream. That my life is so filled up with things to do i am happy to come home and relax a bit. And yes, that someday i will fall in love. I hope that will happen. But that is still hidden in the future. I don’t know what will happen.
I have changed myself. Changed the way i feel, changed the way i look out at the world. I have grown happier.
Happy. Here. Right now.
Published on August 7, 2018 at 6:00 by Ellen
The past two years i have been working in the garden. I haven’t been looking for working. A few things i turned down. Not my thing. No experience with the requirements. It doesn’t feel like i actively stopped looking for work. It slipped away.
A few days ago i had a short talk about the videoclip Spring i made. I still need to learn so many things. About filming, about editing, about what thoughts i can put into it. I do know i need to stay close to my life as it is right now.
It is difficult since almost everyone has a passive knowledge of how these videoclips should look. Our lives are saturated with commercials, movies, videoclips. It is hard for me to go through this and try to make something which i like to look at, something from which i can learn. Something new. But also old.
It is difficult. But i can not stop. I do want to get to what i want to say. I do have these images in my mind. I do want to get there.
So yes, gardening is taking a step back. A bit unsure about it. And i wont leave it all together. But the focus is on my work. As it should be.
Published on July 18, 2018 at 6:00 by Ellen
Walking around my house, looking at the apartments, rising up in the sky. Listening to the people working in the house besides mine. Looking at the cat playing outside, looking up into the tree.
Looking at the trees. Listening to the birds. Watching the cars passing by. Working in the garden. Eating the courgettes. Opening the garden in the morning. Closing the garden in the evening.
My life is passing by gently. For now.
I am filming. Since last week. People. The people living their own lives.
Hoping i can make something good.
I love to work on it. Filming. Editing. Looking at the clips i have made.
My life for now.
I do look to the sky, the moon when i can see it while i walk to the garden. I think about now. This now which moves on for everybody. Nobody can escape this continuously moving on nowness. You can of course hide in your mind, in another time, in another place. But hiding doesn’t make you escape anything. I love to look at the sky, think of this world as it is. Now.
Published on July 10, 2018 at 6:00 by Ellen
Tuesday morning i got the idea for this post. The thought popped up. I can fail. Easily.
I don’t know why i have my head full of success. Why i do not think of missing my target. I don’t. I do realize that thinking about ways in which i could fail would actually harm me, harm my feeling of security, of certainty. I have said it in conversations; failing is not an option. Success can have many different shapes though. It can range from small to large. From recognition from friends to a global viral success. I don’t know which i want. I shouldn’t think about this too much really. Simply work and make something i like myself, first of all.
I do know when i want to publish the spring movie. Friday 15 June. A month from now. Straight after i will take a break for two weeks from working on ellenpronk.com. There is a wedding in the garden on Saturday 23 June. I will bake eight cakes for that day. A wedding party in Zeeland afterwards. Really looking forward to this day.
I am completely happy with the turns i took in my life. The past three years i have grown more happy and more at ease with myself. Money is an issue of course. The house where i live too. But i still have plenty to live on and one year and eights months i can live here. I hope my life after that will reveal itself to me in the next year.
So no, i don’t see myself fail. I am living my own life, made my own choices. Away from the daily lives of the people around me. I can not see that far into the future. I have hopes. High hopes, sure. But nothing is certain. Nothing is certain for anyone really. We don’t know what will happen in a few minutes. A few days. A few years. Nobody does. Predictions are worth nothing.
I hope you are having a lovely day, whenever you are reading this. Salute!
Published on May 16, 2018 at 6:00 by Ellen
One of the many times i threw the I Ching, many years ago, i got the sign The Wanderer. I remember thinking, feeling, ‘this is right’. A good meaningful sign for me. For my life. Wandering. Not out and about. Not traveling. But wandering from person to person. From group to group. Not something i want to do, not something i do with intention. Something that happens to me.
The last group i fell into is the gardening group.
I love the garden. I love being in there. I love photographing it. Filming it. Working in it.
I love the people working in the garden. We talk. About our current society. About capitalism. About Marx. About the garden. About anarchy. About Mars. Terra forming Mars. Moving to Mars. No!!
But i do know a large part of me isn’t in the garden. A large part is here, in ellenpronk.com, in lfs.nl. In my photos, my movies, my drawings, my thoughts.
I am still growing up. I do feel progress. I am getting a bit more control over myself. But i still make many mistakes, many ill judgements. Learning every single day. Thinking about the day. Figuring out what to do next. Make my excuses when i need to.
I have this temporary space. A bit of money and a place to live. I am already working on a new movie. It will be a month or two i think before it is finished.
I do believe in myself. I do trust myself.
If i felt a shred of doubt, it would be over. Done for. I don’t feel that.
Published on April 5, 2018 at 6:00 by Ellen