Categories for My story

About

My About page was the first text i wrote for this website, way back in the first days of February 2015. Two years and five months ago. It feels like ages. And also yesterday.

Since then i have been working regularly. Five updates a week, published at six in the morning. Which of course means i make the post the day before, giving myself a bit of time to let the post settle, reread it and make minor alterations, if i want to. I haven’t missed a post yet. I have given myself five weeks a year to not post anything. A vacation, so to speak. Last year i had two weeks off in summer. And both years i had a week off at Christmas and New Years Eve.

Publishing content on ellenpronk.com is my official work. Yes. I don’t get paid, but to me, that is a minor issue. This is what i want to do with my life. Talk about myself, my old work, my new work, the songs i sing for you, the clips i make, the articles and books i read, my walks, my gardening work. And more!

To me, this website is a coherent whole. All the content comes from me. I know every detail, every little thought, every change i made. Every doubt, every certainty, every post i was unhappy with later on. And every post i was happy with too.

To you, this website is a completely different experience. Most of you do not know me, do not know my history. Most of you do not know i have been to art school, do not know i went working a few years after doing my exams because i didn’t feel at home in the art world. Most of you don’t know i made my first page online 1 July 1997. Most of you don’t know how i made 640 presents on lfs.nl. How i loved flash in those days. So if you really want to see what i made then, you will need to install or update your flash plugin. Exactly what i just did myself. The following list is a selection of my favorite presents.

I did stop working on presents in 2006. I felt empty. For years i wanted to get back into it, i missed it so much. But i couldn’t. Until October 2014. I felt alive once again. I fell in love for a very short time. And i got back making presents on lfs.nl. I felt like i was hit with a sledgehammer. Truly.

This lasted for a couple of months. Until January 2015. Then i made a present called About. And i knew it was going to be the last present. I thought about it for a week. It felt right.

Straight after that i started to work on the design for a blog. I already had the url ellenpronk.com. I had used it for work and for the email. I had planned to make a work website on it, but i was never happy with the design. So i changed my plan and made it a personal website. Two weeks later, 9 February 2015, i published my first post Hello World! With an about page with a short introduction.

That is two years and five months ago, at the time of writing this on 12 June 2017.

Since then i am working hard. I started out with posts about my past work, on paper and online. Walks i made in and around Rotterdam. Clips i made using my iPhone 4. Songs i finally found the courage for to sing. More than fifty today. And a year ago i started to work in the garden. Getting to know new people. Because yes, i still was very lonely. I know i had given up fighting to keep my friends. I was hiding away in World of Warcraft, playing, having fun and raiding my life away. Making game friends. But yes, hiding away.

I tried to get my life back, to get my friends back. It worked, a bit. I had some meetings, some talks. But the lives of my old friends had moved on. They had children. Other jobs. Other things had happened of which i didn’t know anything. So i still felt lonely.

My post yesterday, Friends from the garden, is the first post in the category Friends. I had set up this category when i made the design and set-up of this website. And somehow i wasn’t able to fill this up. I tried, in the beginning. But it didn’t work. And last week, when i made the draft for yesterday’s post, i selected the friends category just like that. It felt right.

So here i am. Working on this website, ellenpronk.com. Which i love. The most important thing in my life. Absolutely. My work.

I hope you will enjoy visiting my thoughts, my mind, my face, my work, my story, my garden work, my friends, my walks. My clips, my songs, my presents, my food, my beauty.

You may feel lost at times. Not understand why i made something. That is ok. I don’t understand everything i made either.

Five updates a week. Published at six in the morning. That is my rule.

Bon Voyage


My clips

My songs – This can be painful, i am still learning!

Published on June 13, 2017 at 6:00 by

A simple day in my house

I had high hopes for today.

None of them came true. But, i did some other things. I spend an hour or two sitting on my balcony. My tiny balcony. I moved some of the basil plants. In some places it was crowded, in other places there were none. So i spread them a bit more. I also moved some thyme plants. Away from the narturtium, which grows in the same pot. And also one rosemary plant was moved. At least, i hope it is rosemary plant. Bit early to tell.

I also planted four pots with new seeds. Last Tuesday i spend at the Peace garden, after the Hofplein Station garden was finished and planted eight herbs for the new herbal spiral we’re gonna make soon. Four of these, dill, lavender, sage and garlic chives i seeded today in the four pots i brought home from the garden a week ago. The pots the blackberries came in, good high pots. Curious to see how these will do.

Spend some time talking to my neighbour. Or rather, listening to her. I don’t talk much. It’s fine.

I had the plan to sing a song today. I practised yesterday. But i didn’t feel like singing it today. Moving it to next week. Still some days to practise, think about the clip i will make with it. No, i won’t tell you which song! Some things hidden here, for now.

🙂

I’m searching for quietness in myself. Not always there. Sometimes.

I hope it will be soon. But i know that hope is a delusion. Hard to put aside though.

Still.

Published on June 2, 2017 at 6:00 by

The Taming Power of the Great

Today was a gardening day. I started a bit earlier than usual. I was on the garden around a quarter past one. I got some thistle out around the garden, put the parasol in the table. It was warm. *ish

It was a good day. Talking quite a lot with all the people working. Also talked about my personal situation. Something i hardly do. I enjoy keeping the garden as this free space. In which i learn so many new things, meet so many lovely people, have such a wonderful time.

I was back home around half past seven. Tired. So tired.

I still feel tired. I did make a salad for dinner. Some spring onions, radishes, lettuce from the garden, a bit of cottage cheese. Simple food. Also watched a bit of television. The mind of the universe. I did not agree with everything. But some things shown are special.

I knew i would throw the I Ching for tomorrow’s post. So.

26. The Abysmal, Water, with many changing lines.

Then The Taming Power of the Great. Hmm. Seems pretty good.

But really, i feel too tired to think about it thoroughly. Good night. Or rather, when you read it, have a good day.

*hugs*

Published on May 22, 2017 at 6:00 by

An empty life

I started this post with looking through all the images i uploaded to see if i could find a good one. I ended up with a text drawing i made while i was at work, my old work.

Hey I’m Ellen
Sometimes i’m on Top of the World
Other times i’m Down the Dumps
This Time i’m gonna Save The World!!!
JIPPIE

A completely different tone than i had in mind when i started to think about writing this post, earlier today. A good one.

The title of this post, An empty life, feels a bit more resigned. It is the reality of my life. Over the past thirty years, since i’m living on my own, emptiness is what i experienced. Not in a terribly unhappy way. I wasn’t crying all the time, no. But i was looking for friends. Looking for someone special. Many times i thought i had found this person. But no. Still not. Friends came and went. Sometimes i left, other times my friends left. Now i’m alone.

My silent period, 2006 – 2014, is the time i had given up. I stopped trying to make it all work. I left everybody. Or everybody left me. There was no argument, no fight. There was hurt. But i don’t think anybody noticed that. There was one moment with a friend. She got angry. I left it at that. I talked about it before. Such a small thing, looking back at it.

I played World of Warcraft. I do need some form of human contact. Some of them are still on my friends list in facebook. One is even the only subscriber to my newsletter. Yay!

The past two and a half years i did feel happier than ever before. Working again! Yay! And yes, i did get back in contact with my old friends once again. But it was different. Eight years of silence works inside of you. I don’t think i can call them friends. I like them, sure. When we meet we talk. It is pleasant. Nice. Sometimes even more. But that is it.

Some kindred spirits become friends in the fullest sense — people with whom we are willing to share, not without embarrassment but without fear of judgment, our gravest imperfections and the most anguishing instances of falling short of our own ideals and values. The concentrating and consecrating force that transmutes a kinship of spirit into a friendship is emotional and psychological intimacy. A friend is a person before whom we can strip our ideal self in order to reveal the real self, vulnerable and imperfect, and yet trust that it wouldn’t diminish the friend’s admiration and sincere affection for the whole self, comprising both the ideal and the real.

Source: Reclaiming Friendship: A Visual Taxonomy of Platonic Relationships to Counter the Commodification of the Word “Friend”

A talk in the garden, two or three months ago. I said it there. I have no friends. A surprised look. Of course. But i insisted. Not anyone to reveal my real self to, vulnerable and imperfect.

Well, apart from this place.

I know, there are not that many visitors. I sometimes feel like i’m talking into a deep darkness. Nothing comes back. But i keep going on. Because i do feel there is still a need inside me. There are still stories to be told. There are still stories to be discovered. In me. Out there.

I have many wishes. Like my wants list i published last week. That list is not even complete. But i do want to achieve most of those wants. My life is nowhere near complete. Nowhere near done.

And yes, money. Sigh. Next week my bank account will be frozen because i’m in the red for too long. I’m still not sure what i will do then. I still don’t know where my life will be at that time.

My biggest wish. To continue working here. Making five posts a week. Some of them long prepared. Some thought of that day. In a glimpse of inspiration. I’d love to keep on working here. That is my biggest wish. Or want.

My life is empty. I have some things i do. Going to the garden. Talk with the people there. Smile. Make jokes. Make photos. Learn new things.

But yes, on the whole, empty. Not barren, no. Not infertile.

An empty life, ready to be filled up. Some things will stay, other things will fade away. Hopefully i will meet people i can call friends. Another wish. Want.

But in my empty life i am.

Whispering. Talking. Smiling. Looking.

At you.

Published on May 18, 2017 at 6:00 by

Meditation

Making this video was on my mind for the past few weeks. I’m happy i made it. Twice. The first one failed, it was longer and my iPhone blocked. This one is a bit shorter. Muis the cat comes by too.

I do remember the experience of sitting there. Listening to all the little sounds. Outside. The clock ticking. Bird whistles. The darkness, while my eyes are closed. The light when i open my eyes. The memory to the first time i sat there, only a few minutes before. Not being able to repeat what i did then. Lifting up my hands. Touching my face. The weightlessness of my arms.

Different each time.

Published on May 16, 2017 at 6:00 by

I want

  • to dance in the shops and the streets on the music played there
  • to sing out loud on the streets all over the world
  • to live!
  • to buy the land for the vegetable gardens so people don’t have to worry about it being build upon
  • to have all the schools have gardens for the children to learn how plants grow and how to cook them and how lovely they taste
  • to get more money for the Peace Garden for the new greenhouse
  • to not leave my own house because i can not pay the mortgage anymore
  • to fall in love with a man who loves me back and look him in the eye and see how vulnerable we both are
  • to fight for this world to be a better place with more hope for all the people
  • to be happy!
  • to slowly loose more weight so i can stop taking these stupid diabetes medicines and wear my old clothes once again!
  • to smile and twirl and hug and kiss and love and go yay yay yay!
  • to meet people and talk with them and ask questions and be there for them
  • to travel and visit places around the world and try to make them be better
  • to be filthy rich and use that money to try to do good
  • to be quiet and watch all the things around me
  • to be free!
  • to go AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Published on May 10, 2017 at 6:00 by

Standstill

I am working on setting up a newsletter for ellenpronk.com. A once a week sent newsletter with the five posts of the week, sent on Friday. Today i installed the plugin and did some tests. I do want to test it a bit further and see how i can get cron jobs to work good on my server.

In the afternoon i decided i needed more time, so i had to think of another posts for tomorrow. The I Ching popped up and i felt it was a good one to put up.

Just yet i sat down on the floor. Sitting quiet for a short while. Listening to the sound of the cars outside. My cat finding a place on the couch the lay and fall asleep. I had just given him his insulin. I only sat down for a minute or two.

Then i threw my coins.

I got some difficult signs. Obstruction is the first one, number 39.

Today i felt tired. I didn’t sleep well. Not that bit of a difference with other nights to be honest. But, i was really tired today. I did do some work on the newsletter plugin, a few tests. I also read A History of God written by Karen Armstrong. I enjoy reading this book. Halfway now, i’m curious to the more recent history of the last few centuries.

The hexagram pictures a dangerous abyss lying before us and a steep, inaccessible mountain rising behind us. We are surrounded by obstacles; at the same time, since the mountain has the attribute of keeping still, there is implicit a hint as to how we can extricate ourselves. The hexagram represents obstructions that appear in the course of time but that can and should be overcome. Therefore all the instruction given is directed to overcoming them.

I do recognize this bit. Obstacles behind me and a dangerous abyss in front of me. The special lines all point to the same thing. All say the same thing.

Going leads to obstructions

The end sign is Standstill.

Withdraw into seclusion

Reminds me of the phone call i got today. Someone from an agency in Amsterdam got my name from LinkedIn. They were looking for people in the Rotterdam area for some clients. I wasn’t opposed to it, but i did say i wouldn’t want to work at a bank or a commercial company. I don’t think i will hear much from them. Still, you never know. I also said i worked in a garden for two days a week. Good for me.

😛

I watched the chess game i still have standing on my table. Two peons standing opposite each other. No idea how this game will go on. If it will. I do enjoy having it standing there though.

Time for me to get ready to go to bed. Enjoy today!

Published on May 2, 2017 at 6:00 by

A possible future

Hmmm

Yeah, right

OK

Since last Friday i have been thinking about writing and publishing this post. Someone in the garden said it to me. Dreams are good. No use in denying them. It triggered something in me. I have been dreaming about this post Saturday, Sunday and Monday. And then of course this post is altering the daydream. Changing the way it happens.

I’m a bit scared of writing about my daydreams. They are personal. Private. Mine alone. A world in which i can relax and control everything. My inner world. Nothing to do with anybody else.

I am not sure though this is true. Nothing to do with anybody else. All our daydreams, and i suppose nightly dreams as well, have to do with the world and its current lived in state. We all pick elements we like, we love. People we like, we love.

Moments of happiness.

Moments of sadness.

Moments of violence.

Moments of rage.

Moments of desire.

It seems to me someone is perfectly happy when he or she doesn’t have daydreams. When his or her life is full of moments needing attention. Too many to daydream. When nights are filled with much needed rest. Company of friends.

Daydreams have a function in your life. They give you a situation which you can escape to. Where you have all the power to make it the perfect act for your desires, good or bad, to play out their course.

Why the escape?

This world we live in simply moves incessantly through time and through space. For me, and i think for most other people, it seems like the world doesn’t care. Other people do not care. Each and everyone is trying to make this life work for him or her. To get the best out of it. To feel some sort of happiness. In work, in love, in friendship. Or sex. Or violence. But we all run into the borders set out by other people.

In the facebook update about the post Falling i said Falling through life. It felt so right for me. Gravity pulling you down, your hands desperately trying to catch some of the debris floating around you, the ultimate ending getting dangerously closer. A big splash. Kaboom. Dead.

First i want to apologize to the people involved in my daydreams. I’m so sorry. I can not escape myself. Always here.

I reread My dream life. Ooh. Almost the same as this post.

These dreams are all connected. They move forward slowly. My current dreams are so different from a year ago.

I am observing my dreams. Letting them happen is one thing. Thinking about them is another. That is hard. The dreams are my ultimate fantasy, my ultimate life, the things i wish for most.

I dream i am invited in a television show. The last week i see other shows, but i usually pick De wereld draait door. The past day i had a dream i started to sing. Do Re Mi. From the Sound of Music. I did sing My favorite things a few months ago.

I am invited in De Wereld Draait Door. Next week Thursday. 4 May 2017. It will be about this post, the one i am writing now. A possible future. I am nervous and anxious. But also happy. It worked! I got in! Yes!

We, me and Matthijs, we talk about my website. About the more than 500 posts on here. About the many topics i go through. It goes well. Hanneke Groenteman is the table lady. We had talked a bit before in the afternoon, while i was sitting with the visagist. I shook her hand when i came to the table. As i said i would do.

Then Matthijs says Scritti Politti. My all-time favourite band. He looks at me curiously. But of course i know what he will say next.

Because i am writing it here! Making it up as i go along!

The people working on the program have called Rough Trade to get a number of Green. They did contact him. And he is there. I turn around my head and watch the side. I feel my turn a little red. But also a smile comes at my face. I feel so happy! He walks up to the table, with a guitar. He will sing a song! Ooh, The Word Girl maybe? Ooh. He has written a new song. About me. Not entirely finished, but still. He plays it. I’m like transfixed. Sitting there, watching Green and listening to the music. It is wonderful!

After … or before maybe? We talk about the drawings i gave Green a year ago. He has them with him. He puts them on the table. I sort of touch them fleetingly. Matthijs asks if he can see them. I look at Green with a question on my face. Of course, he says. Matthijs likes the drawings.

I am completely there. Not daydreaming, no. So many things are happening, it is too busy to daydream. Just as when i work in the garden…

Oh terrible terrible terrible

Stop it!

I actually walked away from my computer. I listened to Steely Dan albums: Aja, Katy Lied, a part of Gaucho, then Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. I made something to eat.

Writing down that daydream is painful. Very different from dreaming away about it. It makes it one dimensional. Simply a dream to wish true.

And that is not what i want. I understand my daydreams. I get inspiration from them, things to make posts about. Maybe a small part of me wishes parts of my daydreams to come true. But that is not my life. And yes, i do wish to be heard. I do wish to talk in public. Of course. And i do wish to fall in love. And the person i fall in love with to fall in love with me. Of course.

But i do know these things are out of my control. I can only work on myself, right now. Which is what i am doing, for the past two and a half years.

I would so much like to talk about my ideas about how we should live in this world presently. My thoughts about money, about buying stuff, about what we should do to learn, about the food we eat, where we buy it. Schools should all have a garden for their students to work in. Not my idea alone. Of course not. Shared vegetable gardens should be much more prolific. More ingrained in the city planning. And if not, that is where i want to put money in. To buy ground, to pay people to work there. To give money to small scale projects for people and animals all over the world. If i had money. To talk with people all over the world to make a move towards a better world. A world we can all live in and work in.

And no, it will never be paradise. It will be hard work. Things go wrong all the time. But the banks and the companies and the politicians and the news are all making this world seem like it should be like this. And that is wrong.

My mind is jumbled up knot of strands and planes of all different sorts and kinds. Personal stuff, politics stuff, world stuff. And songs and music and stories. Working on this website gives me an opportunity to dig it all out. As much as possible.

This post had three titles.

  1. The ultimate dream
  2. A possible future
  3. An impossible future

I made three swithches. The last switch was back to number two A possible future.

I don’t know my future. People around me say i should take better care, worry more about money, live safer. I simply can not do that right now. I hope it will turn out good for me. That something will lift me up, make my life in this world actually possible in a good way. I really do.

And if not, i will still continue to do what i do now. Keep working on ellenpronk.com, keep working in the garden. Find a way to make some money to keep on going. Because i believe in it with my whole heart.

Working for a possible future.

Published on April 28, 2017 at 6:00 by

Chess

I never was any good in chess. I got a book about playing chess when i was around 11 or 12 years old. I read it all. I played on my own with the questions. The opening, middle and endgames. I enjoyed it. But i never got any good in it. I never found anybody to really play with. The book i still have i read a couple of times. I like that. I also did some of the exercises. I enjoy reading the parts about all the different sides of this game. I will most likely read it again once i finished this post! Well, over the weekend anyway.

I did have the small plastic board with the magnetic pieces. Not sure when i got this one. Didn’t do me much good. It is still a game for two people.

The computer chess game i think i got from a friend of my mother. I used to work for her a couple of years, cleaning up her house. I’m not even sure i really got this game from her, it could be it was meant to be a loan for a short time only. I never gave it back though. Sorry, i can’t remember anything about this.

*thinks hard*

Anyway, i played lots of times on this computer game. I did learn that i was quite good in setting up a defense. It is the strategy and the attack which i’m terrible at. Something which gave me an insight in my personal configuration. It is easy for me to set myself up as vulnerable, as an easy to hit figure, someone for others to protect. It is hard to stand up for myself, fight for myself, see that other people are doing something wrong. If that is the case of course.

I did play chess with postcards for a short while with an old friend. We never played it out. I also never saw her again after this. Not that we had a fight, we just grew apart. I’m not sure i really enjoyed playing it like this. I like to sit opposite someone else to really enjoy playing the game.

I did buy the game Deep Green 1.2.3 for my iPhone. I played it on there a couple of times. I love the way it looks. I also love the way the pieces move, when you play with your fingers touching the screen. Excellent.

But the best game i have, is the one i got only a few months ago. It used to be from my stepfather. After he died, this game was left over. I took it. It is a big, offical game. Staunton pieces, i’m pretty sure. I even have a chess clock. So today i set up the game. I made one of the openings i do know. One of the most well known ones: e4 – e5. These are the first moves of the Open Games. One of the rules of chess is to make as many pieces active. The center is more valuable than the sides. So these two moves are excellent starting moves. White moves its pawn from e2 to e4. It gives its bishop and queen moving space. It also sets up its pawn in the center, looking to d5 and f5. Black does the same with the same advantages. Opening up the game and the most important game pieces – knights, bishops and queeen – is the target of the opening game.

I still haven’t found anyone to play with. But i enjoy this game, even though i’m still terrible at it. I will let the chessboard stand on my table for a while. Read wikipedia about all the different aspects of chess. And maybe, one day, i will meet someone to play with. Or find some place online. You never know!

Published on April 21, 2017 at 6:00 by

Falling

The first time i fell in love was on base school. A new boy entered the school. I was in the sixth grade, twelve years old. He lived in the same street as me, but a lot closer to the city center. I walked past his house and looked up at it. I never saw him there. Nor do i remember ever talking to him.

On holidays with my parents in Tenerife. I met many people there. One of them was a boy who i really liked. I was thirteen years old. I never spoke with him. But friends there said something to me about it. So it must have been obvious.

The guy at school wearing new wave clothes, with his hair short and spiky. He had a girlfriend. But the one time he broke up with her, he asked me out. We went to a gig in a place in Vlaardingen. I said nothing to him. I was so shy. Sitting across from someone smoking pot i was mesmerized by it. Of course that was the only night we went out. Later on i did talk to him. We kissed a bit. He came by my house once or twice. We kissed and touched each other. We both went to the Technical University Delft. But it was over. After i left to go to art school i never saw him again.

A young man in Delft, studying Industrial Design like me, was gorgeous. Absolutely lovely. I stared at him. Not sure i was in love. But he was so nice to look at. So that is what i did.

Marcel, who also studied together with me, said that he felt surprised that he didn’t feel attracted to me. I was sitting on his bed and we were talking about music mostly. We went to a couple of gigs together. For one in Rotterdam he came by my place. My mother and me made pizza. He said he had forgotten i still lived with my parents.

The guy who winked at me. I fell for him like that. Ooh man, i was smitten!

In art school i remember having a talk with one of our teachers. He was quite young, late twenties. He asked me what i wanted. I said to find someone to love and who would love me – if i remember correctly. It was a magic moment. One of my friends pulled me away from there. I went back home. The next week when i came into his class, i saw him turning all red in the face. Nothing ever happened between us.

After art school, at the end of the theatrical evening of Sexposition, a man called Bart asked me come to his place. He said he asked a mutual friend before. I was a bit drunk. I said yes. He said he was curious about my reaction just before i got into his bed. A waterbed. Strange sensation, but it felt great. We kissed a bit. Of course i fell in love. I came by once or twice after that. He wasn’t in love with me.

While i was still in love with him, Ben came by. At a Christmas dinner party in my place, i ended with a small group of friends and started to read fairy tales. I remember him looking at me. At a New Years Party we started kissing. A friend tried to get me away, she felt he wasn’t good enough for me. But i didn’t listen. Not sure she was right anyway. He was the first and only man i had sex with. I wasn’t all over my ears in love with him, but i liked him. He had a daughter, a little girl. That was difficult. It lasted around two months, than we decided it wasn’t going anywhere.

I didn’t like it when he went out with his neighbour living across him in a few weeks time. That did hurt. I also left other friends in that time. I went on my last proper vacation with a friend. Crete, in Greece. Three weeks walking, camping with a tent. That was a good holiday. Not that i liked everything that happened, but well, it was fine. After the holiday i left all my friends. A bit abrupt. A bit sudden, but i felt our friendship was going towards its end. Their reaction, or rather lack of reaction to me having a boyfriend did have something to do with it.

In 1999 i fell in love with Jeroen. He had emailed me about my website. He really liked it. He lived in Rotterdam. We met. I got to know other people doing creative stuff on the internet. It was so nice. We also got to know people working in Amsterdam, but we felt the Rotterdam bunch were much better. Of course.

Jeroen was in love with somebody else. Over the next years we kissed a bit. We spend some nights sleeping together, but we never had sex. With Jeroen i felt very sexual in my dreams. But that was only when i was alone. I didn’t feel that when i was actually with him.

Jeroen got a girlfriend years later. And two children. My best friend Femke had moved to Brussels. I felt alone. The only thing i had was work. I bought a new computer. And started to play World of Warcraft. One time a friend called me up, it must have been 2007. I asked her to call me back the next day, since i was in a raid and was really busy. I called her back the next day myself, left a message on the answering machine. But she never responded. Only a few months later, when i got the birth card for her little girl, i realized she was gonna tell me she was pregnant.

I was out. No friends. Work. And World of Warcraft.

Seven years of being by myself, playing World of Warcraft, loosing my job and going freelance. Not working on my website lfs.nl. Something which was always in the back of my mind. But becoming less and less important. I don’t even remember what i was thinking about these years. I was watching a lot downloads, that i know. Many television series.

I don’t know why the sledgehammer moment occurred. This little crush on someone who worked at the place i was working at the time, for a couple of months. But i moved it away quickly. To replace it with another crush. I don’t know why. I remember feeling so awake while i was sitting in the train on my way to work. Looking at all the people surrounding me. I remember talking to this guy with the Rubik’s cube the whole trip back to Rotterdam. I wrote about it on lfs.nl, in hey.

I just read My boyfriend. I do feel what i am writing now makes more sense. It is so easy to not be clear. To hide behind make believe stories. Stories i believe in myself. Which are not true.

It is so hard to be honest. First and foremost, with yourself. Then the rest can follow more easily.

It is 2017. I have been working on this website for over two years. I love it. Not that i like all the things i do here. I definitely have favourite posts. And posts i don’t like. Posts i leave behind.

I have been working in the garden for a year now. I got to know so many new people. Most are younger than me. All fighting to do something good. For themselves, for their food, for social contacts, for Rotterdam. For this world.

Right now i am not in love with anybody. I am still fighting with my sexual desires. They did stay. In the time i was alone, i hardly felt sexual. But together with that sledgehammer moment my desires surfaced once again. That is a battle. A pleasurable one. I still feel shame, i still want to control myself. My fantasies are changing the whole time. Growing more lifelike. I do feel happy with that.

Looking back on my life, i see i took a long time growing up. A long time to open up towards people around me. Which is still hard for me. I like being alone. Not many things have happened to me. I never had children. Only one boyfriend, which only lasted for two months. I spend years alone, by myself.

I am serious and careful. I take my time thinking about stuff that happens to me. Things people say to me. Strangers sometimes. But most of all the people i know.

So this is my life, for now. And i love it.

I can say i am happy. Right now, in my rather lonesome, money poor life. Terribly happy. Most of the time i smile when i go out to the garden, or out for the market, or for a quick run to the supermarket, or for a walk. I do enjoy watching the people walking by me. Some see that. But many don’t. I don’t mind.

So yeah, love. Hmmm. I still wish to experience that. To meet someone who is nice, intelligent, creative. Someone who has lived his own life.

I still have hope.

Published on April 19, 2017 at 6:00 by