My post yesterday came from the bottom of my heart. This one is from even deeper: patience.
I try to live in the moment as much as possible. This year to me seems like the longest year ever in my life. Which to me is a good thing. Mainly because i do move a lot. I have been living shorter in the rooms i have been renting. I started out in the beginning with living four months, then three months, then a month each time in a room. The one before this one was only a week. This does make it feel longer.
Patience. So important. I don’t always have it, i confess. And yes, at times i am inpatient. But on the whole i do keep up, i do trust myself to do the right thing at the right time. Hopefully!
I am stubborn. This is not something that comes out easily. I am not even sure friends realize i am this stubborn. They might, considering how i am living right now. Hopping from place to place. Staying cheerful usually. Not always of course.
I do want to lead my own life, face the consequences of my own actions. In this world. This stupid world.
I do not know what the future will bring to me. I have only my dreams, wishes, desires. And i have my life as it is right now. Hopping from room to room, talking with people about so many things: sex, the world, corona, gardening. I don’t know where this is headed to. I do wish though. Meeting people who i can genuinely call my friends. Living in a house with a garden and a large kitchen, in which i can cook meals for the people around me. Leading a life which is worth living. Talking to so many people all around the world about the current state, about how we want the world to be, want it to become. Living a life true to myself. Fighting.
Not this nasty little world with its nasty little rules and its nasty little people keeping me down and keeping me locked up inside. No!
Today, Tuesday 3 November, i made a walk through town. I walked past the garden Tuin op Hofbogen. I talked with Bob and Wendy about the plans of the municipality and other companies for the surrounding area of the garden and the old train tracks. I walked further with Wendy. We talked about loneliness, friendship. A good talk! I walked on. Through de Vredestuin where i saw people working. A short chat and a smile and laughter. On wards, past the woman with the nice dogs. To the butcher on the Meent, where i bought a sandwich with ham. On wards to the Laurens church, where i sat down and ate the sandwich. Through town to the Oude Binnenweg where i bought a Surinam sandwich. I watched the television there for a short time. Politics. To the Westersingel where i ate the sandwich. On to the van Oldenbarneveltstraat, back to the Hofplein and past the Grafisch Lyceum. A quick selfie.
I was thinking many different things. The talk with Wendy first was a good one. We talked about loneliness. I saif everybody is alone. It is just some people forget. We also talked about the help people ask for. Some justified, some not, in our opinion.
My housing situation. I move out of my current place this Thursday, November 5. I still haven’t found a place to stay. People are canceling or saying no. I try not to worry. Successfully! I still have money, so i could go to a more expensive place for the next week and look further.
And my work. This website, ellenpronk.com. Which i am not giving up. I am not sure where this determination comes from. But it is there. Growling.
Yesterday morning i went into the city with my house lady and her little daughter. So much fun. Dali is so cheerful, so open, smiling and taking it all in. The shops we wanted to go to were still closed, so we bought some coffee and a babyccino. In the bookstore Dali walked about and carried some books with her we had to get back in their proper places.
On our way back we went into the garden. I had suggested we should pick some flowers there. We walked through the muddy paths and got cosmos, zinnia, nasturtium, kale, chard, fennel and some other nice looking leaves. Look at the last two photos i published yesterday to see this magnificent flower bouquet.
We chatted. One description of me stuck with me: city nomad (stadsnomade in Dutch). This past year has been exactly that for me, wandering through the city, living in different homes, experiencing all different families, people. Walking through the city, looking at all the people shopping, sitting and feeding the birds, working in the garden, playing with other children, eating chips or a sandwich.
Thinking about the world. Thinking about what we do to ourselves. Thinking about the rules we set up to follow. Thinking about what we build, what we decide, the laws, the endless talking of the news and the government. On and on and on and on.
Inside, i feel a wolf growling and biting something it doesn’t want to let go of. A deep growl. A firm, unwavering determination to not let go.
Of course everybody is getting older. It is a fact of life. Time flows in one direction only. Going forward, all the time. I know i am approaching the end of the plateau phase of life. The phase in which nothing much seems to change.
I try to look good. As good as possible. Within the limitations i set for myself. Hardly any make-up. No botox. No cosmetic operations. No fillers. But yes, i do use the Ordinary serums. I do want to use a retinoid soon. I do try to loose a bit more weight. I do think i look alright. For being 56 years old.
But it is not the most important thing in the world. I know that. Your smile, the way you look at people, your openness, your interest in other people, all that is so much more important than the way you look.
Young people have a joy in their faces, in their eyes. Intoxicating. A thirst for the experience of living, an exuberance in experiencing life as it presents itself to you. A freshness of attitude.
Most young people have this anyway. I’m sad for the young people who do not feel like this.
I have been shy. Not knowing what to say. Quiet. Withdrawn. But also happy with myself. Content in living my life as it came. Happy to draw.
I had to learn to pay more attention to the people around me. This didn’t come naturally to me. Now i enjoy watching people. Saying hello, good day, good afternoon when i pass someone on the streets. I enjoy that.
Right now i live in a young family’s house. The sunshine in the house: a toddler girl of sixteen months old. So bright, happy, energetic. Not always, of course. But still, a smile to brighten your day.
The Julia Roberts smile from Pretty Woman was on my mind after a talk i had yesterday with my landlady. The Kylie Jenner images i posted yesterday were posted with the same thoughts. I look with a critical eye, but i also want to keep seeing the innocence in an image or movie. No matter what the thoughts are in the minds of the people making these images.
Over the past few years i felt i was working towards something. Something good. Battling for myself. Striving towards a life worth living. Something different. Different from now.
I slowly start to realize that this will not be possible. I am learning, sure. But i still make mistakes. Sometimes i apologize. Sometimes not. My life simply continues. On and on.
I am learning to think before i speak, but i can not overthink everything i do. There is still room for the unexpected, the unrehearsed. The spontaneous. I remember a couple of moments in my life in which this occurred. Not many, no. But they did.
So now, when i think about my future, i think of a difficult life. Having things to think about. Having meetings to think about. Not knowing which way to go. Not knowing what to say. Not knowing.
I know i could continue with my life as it is right now. Safe. Easy. Undemanding.
What do i want? What do i really really want? Really really really?
I want the life that fits me. But what is that life? Am i not already living that life? With the upcoming money troubles, within a year or so, if i continue living as i do? Something i need to deal with. I know that. I know.
Can i keep quiet, think about what happens to me and take a course? Is that what i am doing right now?
It is all about now. The present. This very moment. Very hard to grasp. Very hard to present to the world. Now.
Not right now. Not yet. Still half a day away.
I leave you with this lovely Dutch windmill with cosmos flowers and sunflowers in front of it. photographed yesterday while i made a walk around the Bergse Voorplas. You can see this mill from 3:00 in the clip below.
I am still not sure which way to go. I hope i will find something to move me soon. It might be my drawing. I hope it is. Not sure though. I hope i can find a first step to take with confidence.
I am not happy with my life as it is today. I am not happy with what i do, not happy with the people i see. Some i find really nice, some i appreciate a lot. But yes, i do feel like most people around me are trying to hold me back. Warning me of what might happen. Warning me of the dangers. Ending up on the street with no money at all.
I get that.
I do have to be honest with myself. I am waiting for something, and it doesn’t come. I need to get up and do something myself. I have these ideals and fantasies, well, prove it. Show them. Do it. Do it now!
Well, that’s me being dramatic. I just have to keep going on. Find a bit of rest. And draw, keep up this blog. Simple things really. Follow my own thoughts, not the ones other people are telling me. Simple 🙂
I didn’t realise i had already written a post about growing up.
I am still growing up. I do feel progress. I am getting a bit more control over myself. But i still make many mistakes, many ill judgements. Learning every single day. Thinking about the day. Figuring out what to do next. Make my excuses when i need to.
I have this temporary space. A bit of money and a place to live. I am already working on a new movie. It will be a month or two i think before it is finished.
It is now more than two years later. I still feel the same way. I hope i am right when i feel myself growing up. I still make many mistakes. I still feel many things that confuse me. Pull me in different directions. I still think thoughts about which i am not sure. I still do things to postpone doing something else, to lead my thoughts away from problems, to distract myself.
I am still quite inexperienced. Inexperienced with men most of all. I have protected myself, not consciously, but still.
I like to call myself bright, intelligent. But most often i am stupid, dumb, self involved, shortsighted, blind.
I can only accept this. Do my best and try to learn as much as possible. Really learn, in depth. Really look at myself. Really think about what i do, what i feel. Don’t run away in fantasies, all to easy to me.
The past months have been a learning experience. Better said, my entire life is a learning experience. Every single bit of it. Some days i do fine. Some days i do worse. Hopefully i do learn a little bit from everything.
The past months of not having a home anymore are a lesson to me. I do really value this. I do see how i am limiting my feeling of home to the one room i am renting. My place. My little home.
I am still not sure which way to go. I hope i will find something to move me soon. It might be my drawing. I hope it is. Not sure though. I hope i can find a first step to take with confidence. Preferably before my money runs out.
But i do dream, i do fall in love at times, i do feel aroused at times. The last time was last weekend, and it confused me. Terribly. I felt pretty sure this wasn’t going to be anything serious, but it sure felt like that for two days. It did hit me quite full on. Too confused to think this through, i could only feel my body react.
So yes, there were a couple of hours in which i simply felt overtaken by desire. Wham.
It is not what i wish for myself. Still difficult to get through.
It has become less over the past 24 hours. Today i added some elements to my drawing. I started designing a booklet about vegetables and dishes from the garden. I listened to some music. I played a bit of wow and stardew valley. I stared out of the window and looked at the trees with their leaves moving in the slight wind.
I hope i am managing. I hope i can finish my drawing in a couple of weeks. I hope i can keep myself on the right track. Or rather, my own track.
I do feel a bit sad leaving this behind me. But that is also a delusion. It is all in my own head. Walk on!