Walking around my house, looking at the apartments, rising up in the sky. Listening to the people working in the house besides mine. Looking at the cat playing outside, looking up into the tree.
Looking at the trees. Listening to the birds. Watching the cars passing by. Working in the garden. Eating the courgettes. Opening the garden in the morning. Closing the garden in the evening.
My life is passing by gently. For now.
I am filming. Since last week. People. The people living their own lives.
Hoping i can make something good.
I love to work on it. Filming. Editing. Looking at the clips i have made.
My life for now.
I do look to the sky, the moon when i can see it while i walk to the garden. I think about now. This now which moves on for everybody. Nobody can escape this continuously moving on nowness. You can of course hide in your mind, in another time, in another place. But hiding doesn’t make you escape anything. I love to look at the sky, think of this world as it is. Now.
Tuesday morning i got the idea for this post. The thought popped up. I can fail. Easily.
I don’t know why i have my head full of success. Why i do not think of missing my target. I don’t. I do realize that thinking about ways in which i could fail would actually harm me, harm my feeling of security, of certainty. I have said it in conversations; failing is not an option. Success can have many different shapes though. It can range from small to large. From recognition from friends to a global viral success. I don’t know which i want. I shouldn’t think about this too much really. Simply work and make something i like myself, first of all.
I do know when i want to publish the spring movie. Friday 15 June. A month from now. Straight after i will take a break for two weeks from working on ellenpronk.com. There is a wedding in the garden on Saturday 23 June. I will bake eight cakes for that day. A wedding party in Zeeland afterwards. Really looking forward to this day.
I am completely happy with the turns i took in my life. The past three years i have grown more happy and more at ease with myself. Money is an issue of course. The house where i live too. But i still have plenty to live on and one year and eights months i can live here. I hope my life after that will reveal itself to me in the next year.
So no, i don’t see myself fail. I am living my own life, made my own choices. Away from the daily lives of the people around me. I can not see that far into the future. I have hopes. High hopes, sure. But nothing is certain. Nothing is certain for anyone really. We don’t know what will happen in a few minutes. A few days. A few years. Nobody does. Predictions are worth nothing.
I hope you are having a lovely day, whenever you are reading this. Salute!
One of the many times i threw the I Ching, many years ago, i got the sign The Wanderer. I remember thinking, feeling, ‘this is right’. A good meaningful sign for me. For my life. Wandering. Not out and about. Not traveling. But wandering from person to person. From group to group. Not something i want to do, not something i do with intention. Something that happens to me.
The last group i fell into is the gardening group.
I love the garden. I love being in there. I love photographing it. Filming it. Working in it.
I love the people working in the garden. We talk. About our current society. About capitalism. About Marx. About the garden. About anarchy. About Mars. Terra forming Mars. Moving to Mars. No!!
But i do know a large part of me isn’t in the garden. A large part is here, in ellenpronk.com, in lfs.nl. In my photos, my movies, my drawings, my thoughts.
I am still growing up. I do feel progress. I am getting a bit more control over myself. But i still make many mistakes, many ill judgements. Learning every single day. Thinking about the day. Figuring out what to do next. Make my excuses when i need to.
I have this temporary space. A bit of money and a place to live. I am already working on a new movie. It will be a month or two i think before it is finished.
I do believe in myself. I do trust myself.
If i felt a shred of doubt, it would be over. Done for. I don’t feel that.
I am feeling better, slowly. Happier. Cheerful. More daring. Like the dancing back home last week. Something i might have thought about earlier, but never did.
I’m not there yet. Not yet at the end. Still growing, developing, learning. Making mistakes, sure.
Like last Friday in the garden, i went home with an uncomfortable feeling. I wasn’t sure about the end, where everybody was asked to help move a couple of wooden banks. Heavy! I didn’t like it. But i still went along and tried to help as much as i can. But at the end i had a short talk with the one person asking us, telling her i could have left if i wanted to.
Also on Friday i had a talk with some other people. I was extreme, saying things i’m not even sure i believe in.
This Sunday i had a second talk about moving the wooden banks. I think it went better. I could say clearly why i am at the garden, working, photographing, sitting, talking. And no, i am not the hardest worker. I do love to be there, being outside my house, being in nature in the center of Rotterdam.
A second talk was with the person i had the extreme talk with. I apologized. Said i was thinking about many things, questioning many things people say as if it is normal. Which i don’t think it is. But i don’t want to convert anyone, i don’t want to push anyone in my way of thinking.
Other things i’m puzzled by, sort of happy with. The girl that came by two weeks ago. What she said near the end. She was there ‘for a bit’, ‘eventjes’. A couple of times that word popped up. I still think about it. Why was she saying it? To not commit? While nobody was asking her to. But maybe she felt something. Still, it was nice she was there for a couple of hours and worked with us. But it keeps singing in my mind, trying to figure out why she used those words.
So many things to think about.
I an reading The Philosophy of the I Ching by Carol K. Anthony once again. I do enjoy it. It gets its message across clear to me. I still don’t believe in God, but there is a lot more in this book besides that.
Modesty refers to an awareness of that which is higher than ourself – we respect the unknown and recognize the insufficiency of our inferior powers. It means we are determined to be led rather than to lead, that we will flow with events rather than resist them, and that we will remain unstructured in mind rather than defend ourself with fixed ideas. It means that we maintain a certain humility so that we protect our dignity as a sacred trust, and do not sacrifice our higher nature for the sake of our lower nature. This sort of modesty, founded on a continuing conscientiousness, accords with our true, original nature.
Source: The Philosophy of the I Ching, Carol K. Anthony – Download
Today i will sell my house. At 11.15 i have an appointment at the solicitor.
This is a mixed bag of emotions. One part of me is sad. I will loose ownership of the house i have lived in for the past twenty two years with pleasure. I can remain living here for the next two years, but after that i do need to move out and find another place to live. Two years is nice, but it’s not that long really.
Another part of me is happy. Over the years i have accumulated a decent amount of overvalue. I will get this money at my disposal. I can use this money to live of for the next four to five years.
I will treat myself a bit over the next weeks. My computers are getting old. The newest one is my laptop from 2011. I will upgrade my iPad, my iMac, my iPhone. I will also buy myself a decent camera. I will show you once i get them, together with my thoughts on why these specific items. It will bring new content to ellenpronk.com.
I am fully trusting myself in this. Yes, there is hurt. But also freedom. To make my life my own. To make this place work. To make myself work. More.
In a week’s time i will sell my house. I admit, i feel sad about it. I will remain here for the next two years, so that does soften the blow a bit. I will get some money, from which i can live for the next four or five years.
It is a mixed bag. For now, i feel happy. I will get some new computer stuff. I will keep on working. And two years does feel like a awful long time. I am hoping things will change in that time for me. I will work hard for that.
For now, i will keep on posting as long as i have internet at home. It could be i’m out of it the next few days. Next week it’ll be back on. I do feel tired. But be sure, i will not give up.
With love, Ellen
A tumultuous year. The greenhouse in the garden burned down. My money was disappearing fast. I decided to sell my house. My computer broke down. For a moment i thought about to stop working on this website.
Friends helped out. In January 2018 i will sell my house. I will keep on living here for two years for a low rent. I have given myself more time to think. More time to work.
I will upgrade my computers. My iPad first generation with iOS 5 will lie peacefully in its box. I will buy a iPad Pro 12.9″ with a pen. Looking forward to making drawings with that. Most likely i will also buy a new desktop, at the moment i’m thinking a 21″. Not sure yet though. I will sell my MacBook Pro 17″ for sure. My 27″ i don’t know yet, the hard drive is broke right now. I might just give it away as it is right now.
And i will buy a watercolour set and a small watercolour book. It’s been years ago since i last drew with watercolour. I hope i can find a good way to use it. Drawing in the garden of course!
And some new clothes. Tank tops, leggings, underpants, bra’s. A new dress!
So yes, forward it is.
Next week i’m having a break. My next post will be on Monday the first of January 2018.
Enjoy the last week of 2017.
I’m not sure why i feel the way i do right now. I have said it the past days, a couple of times. I had this sledgehammer moment three years ago. Since then i feel i need to work. Work hard. On this website. Here.
I don’t earn any money through it. Not right now. Does this justify me selling my house? Wouldn’t it be much better to stay on living here, in the center of Rotterdam. Have a job besides it? For two or three days a week? What is so bad about that? Nothing. Right?
Still, i refuse. I keep on going. I did give in a week and a half ago. But i’m back. Why? Why am i not giving up? Why am i prepared to go all the way?
I am intelligent. My school reports are an early proof. I have also made countless stupid mistakes. It took me years to find a proper education after high school. And even art school wasn’t all i imagined. But, one of the best things i ever did was making things online. I enjoy the technology. I enjoyed the immediacy. One update and it is online. Great! Other than that, i was careful. But still, many mistakes.
I am honest. After the chess game i played this Monday, my opponent, who had won – of course – told me he liked my way of playing. An honest game, he told me. A true compliment. If i don’t feel any space to talk, i am usually quiet. Here on ellenpronk.com i can be blatantly honest. Sex being one of the examples of that. I do enjoy talking with people. People i don’t know, people i do know, friends, acquaintances. Most people talk about themselves. I don’t mind that. Everybody has a story to tell. And sometimes i do talk about myself. Of course.
I have perseverance. I don’t give up easily. Not when something really matters. Not that i know beforehand what i’m gonna do. Right now, fifty three years old, when i look back on my life, i can see it. I’m like a dog biting something it doesn’t want to let go. Grrrr. I can leave something aside for a while. For years. But to this day, i found a possibility to get back to it. When i gave my drawings to Green Gartside two years ago. I was so nervous. But prepared. The right dress. I had written about it a year before here in The world and the people. The one thing i did in my life which makes me so happy. It took me thirty years to get ready to do it. I don’t even know why this makes me so happy. I don’t know if he appreciates the drawings. I hope so. I truly do.
When i got back home after that, there was nobody asking me about it. I did feel a bit sad about that. It made me realize that i am still alone. I didn’t cry over it. But it was sobering. Only half a year after it i talked about it with a friend. I had posted the story to the scritti facebook group, people responded there. But it wasn’t the same as talking with friends about it.
I am single. Everyone is single. We try to forget. We work, eat, sleep. We talk, shop, look at facebook, smile at silly jokes. But we remain single. Always. Even in sex, the ultimate togetherness, we still stay single. If you are lucky, there is love. Tenderness. Whispered thoughts. Gazing in each other eyes. But we still remain single.
Together we have made this world. With all the people who have lived and left a footprint. This world as it is now. With fugitives, hunger, poverty, war, hurricanes. I am lucky. I live in western Europe, in one of the wealthiest countries in the world. The Netherlands.
I know many people trying to do good. Thinking about their lives, the stuff they use, they buy. Working in the garden, eating the veggies they let grow themselves. People playing chess, talking, thinking. Together.
I want to keep things simple. That is not a thought from me. I read that in the 80s in an interview with Scritti Politti. I thought about it then, it struck a chord. But i didn’t really get it. It is different now. When i look at the switch i made between lfs.nl and ellenpronk.com, i can see it. There was more freedom in lfs.nl, i cold pick any time of posting i wanted. Days of not posting, followed by days of posting. I am happy i found a proper ending for it. Even after eight years of silence. And the thrill of starting ellenpronk.com. A proper schedule, a wider set of content. The walks, looking back on my past, the cooking. It all fitted in there.
Simplicity. Trying to talk about my life, what drives me, what i see around me. As best as i can. As some people around me say, a diary. Sure.
To me it is far more than a diary. Some posts i write here are created here. I wouldn’t have these thoughts if i didn’t write my posts. This website creates me, as i do create this website.
My mum calls me up once or twice a week. The last months i always say the same thing to her. I’m good. Fine. Excellent even. It is true. I do feel good. Happy. Smiling. I don’t sleep very good, sure. But it is not because i’m worrying that much at night. No, i think about sex. Not sure where that is coming from, but hey, it is not a bad thing.
My life right now feels a lot more windy than before. Before, when i had regular work, when i didn’t need to worry about money, where i was having fun playing World of Warcraft, my life was quiet. Silent. Now it is a lot noisier.
This is my choice. It is dangerous. More things can go wrong. But with all the risks there are also chances things can go right.
The last months i fell down a couple of times. In the Tuin op de Hofbogen, on a wet day, the wooden board was so slippery i fell down. I was lying still for a short time. I had to gather my thoughts. But there was no blood, nothing too severe was hurt. The second time was when we were building the compost bin. The boards were set up, but not yet fixed. I bent over to get a waste bag. And a pallet fell over straight on my head. I felt a bit dizzy. I was a bit mixed up. No blood. Lucky. Yesterday i fell again. I was so careful, but at the end, walking home, i slipped. Still no major hurt. I don’t feel anything wrong with my body today. Lucky.
There are many different worlds. The world of sport. Of fashion. Of make-up. Of beauty. Of movies. Of music. Of literature. Of books. Of shopping. Of advertisement. Of politics. Of money.
Dreams are present everywhere. In songs. In books. Fantasy. Science fiction. Fiction. I am a good listener. I picked up many dreams in my life. They still are present. Not dreams i made up myself, dreams floating around in the world. Hard, impossible even to get rid of. Not that i really want to get rid of them. There is a huge amount of pleasure in dreaming away.
Still, i do need to go on with my life. Make some kind of decision. An action. I am not stupid.
Think think think Ellen. Turn and look. It is so close. Do not dream away now.