Categories for My story

Death

Today i was thinking about what i wrote last Thursday for my post on Friday.

Right now i’m in an in between place. Not yet leaving behind my past, not yet looking to the future. This pain i feel is something i need to deal with. I need to give it a place to rest. I know i can. I know. But it is hard, difficult, painful.

Today i came across several articles and posts and videos which were directing me in the same direction:

  • Liminality
  • . In anthropology, liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning “a threshold”) is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of a rite of passage, when participants no longer hold their pre-ritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the rite is complete. During a rite’s liminal stage, participants “stand at the threshold” between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way, which completing the rite establishes.

  • Rite of passage. A rite of passage is a ceremony or ritual of the passage which occurs when an individual leaves one group to enter another. It involves a significant change of status in society.
  • This came up while i was watching a youtube video: Myth, Wisdom & Pandemic, Stephen Jenkinson, Zak Stein & Charlotte Du Cann

    I haven’t finished this video, but i will continue once i have written this post. The word liminal did come up in it quite early on in the video. Curious about the rest of it.
  • Then the thought came up to pull a day card for me. I pulled Death. Pulling the Death card is like, are you ready to move onto the next level?

I have been thinking about these aspects and things in myself for many many years. Maybe even the biggest part of my life. I hope i can find the courage within myself to continue with this. To take on my life and my work with seriousness. To not let go. To hold on. Fiercely.

Published on April 28, 2020 at 6:00 by

Plan A

Three months ago i moved my stuff out of my house. I stayed in there for another short week, clearing up all the things i didn’t want to save. Magazines, a couch, an old fridge. Out of my house.

Because it still felt like my house. And really, right now, it still feels like that. I still feel the pain of leaving that nice little place at the waterside close to the center. I still have the key of the downstairs front door, so i can get my post. Because i’m still officially living there. Sometimes at night i still see the sleeping room, the bathroom, the backroom, the front room and the kitchen in my mind. I still feel what it was like to live there. Safe. Alone.

This hurts. A lot.

This evening i talked with Ted about this feeling. I felt the tears coming to my eyes. I said i have only one plan. Plan A. This website. This place which i have made my own. This place which i love. This place here where i feel at home. This place i can not leave behind.

Right now i’m in an in between place. Not yet leaving behind my past, not yet looking to the future. This pain i feel is something i need to deal with. I need to give it a place to rest. I know i can. I know. But it is hard, difficult, painful.

So right now, i am looking back, living the memories.

I hope you are well. Enjoy the weekend. Stand up straight! Salute!

Published on April 24, 2020 at 6:00 by

My sleep

I don’t sleep very well. I know, i should not watch movies and television series on my iPad while i lie in bed. It is better to read. But it is hard to resist.

When i turn out the light, i usually switch to my right side. Then i turn around to my left side. Then i turn to lying on my back.

I think about sex. About love. About loving sex. Sometimes i masturbate, but usually not.

Sometimes i turn on the lights again. Play a bit of Stardew Valley, my favourite game of the last two weeks. Then i turn down the lights again, once more. Tossing and turning.

This is difficult. Last night it felt i fell asleep only half past five. I am not sure of this, it could be i was asleep earlier. I simply don’t know.

And all i think about is love. Someone to love. Someone to love me, to enjoy life with. To live life as open as possible. Garden, sing, dance, cook, talk and smile and laugh with.

Not so easy.

My card of today. A torrent of emotions has separated me from home. The past days i have thought about all my things, my furniture, my books, my records, my cd’s, my cooking stuff stacked in the storage facility. Feeling sad when i think abut this. Feeling like i have already lost this. Which i haven’t. But still.

It is difficult to find a good way to move forward in. Right now.

Five of Cups Description
Arcan: Low arcane
Element: Water, female, passive energy – emotions

There are sure Tarot playing cards whose imagery without delay conjure up negative feelings, and the Five of Cups consists of such weight. This is a card which indicates loss as well as the painful demanding situations which stem from that unique loss.

The card depicts a figure that is wearing a black cloak. The man or woman hides his face in what seems to be despair. There are 5 cups at the ground, 3 of that have fallen whilst the opposite two remain status. The individual, however, appears to observe that there are two status cups as is simply too busy mourning over those which can be fallen. There is a effective river which flows between him and a house or a castle in the distance, indicating that a torrent of emotions have separated him from home.

Five of Cups meaning
The Five of Cups symbolizes disappointment, and the feelings that come when things go otherwise as you expected. You are feeling sad that a sure situation hasn’t clearly became out the manner you have was hoping it would. Instead of transferring in the direction of a more superb perspective, this card seems to mention which you are dwelling within the beyond, inducing emotions of self-pity and regret. The water which is simply spilled from the cups shows which you would possibly have overlooked an opportunity. It also shows that the trouble is often emotional and now not material or financial.

Instead of transferring toward a more fine perspective, this card seems to say which you are dwelling inside the past, inducing emotions of self-pity and regret.

The which means of the Five of Cups suggests that you can have certain issues letting go of things that are within the past. What is more, it also suggests that you are unwilling to analyze from mistakes which you have already committed. The card is regularly going to reflect a person who is so stuck up in his beyond that he is truly incapable of moving on. This way that he has a high danger of lacking out on what new joys that the future can bring.

Published on April 8, 2020 at 6:00 by

Not a donor

Reading the article again i read Monday for the first time called Our political authority does not only govern over life, but also over death, i tried to remember my motivations to say no on the donor question asked in 1998. No, i don’t want to donate my organs to anyone once i am dead.

I remember thinking about it. I remember feeling that my body is my own. I wasn’t thinking about cannibalism, about necropolitics. I was basing my decision on a feeling. I didn’t want any medical professional to decide for me. I didn’t feel my body belonged to the medical profession to do with what it desired. It is irrefutable my own body. It is me.

Me.

So i said no. Not giving in to the dominating discussion with its focus on charity and giving other people another opportunity to live a full and fruitful life. No. I am my body. My mind and my body are intertwined. Inviolable. Sacrosanct.

This was based on a feeling i had. A feeling i listened to. A feeling i took seriously. Not out of a whim.

Today, with the new law approaching on 1 July 2020, i still feel the same. Even more so. I have read about the difficulty of determining brain death, i read about keeping a body semi alive to get the organs out. I’m not looking forward to my own death, and i don’t want to mess this up with surgery and decisions. I would like my death to be mourned, not celebrated because somebody else can live on.

I actually feel violated by the ad on Dutch television asking people, almost telling people to say yes to being a donor. In this i am happy i have my own mind making decisions for this.

Published on April 2, 2020 at 6:00 by

Strange

These are strange times. As i said in an earlier post, if i get sick, if i die, so be it. I hope not, but it is not in my hands. My life continues. No work, no public transport, no kids. We are not required to stay in our house the whole day here in the Netherlands, so i make walks. The garden work continues, with smaller groups.

I’m steering my life. It is a bit like the end of Thelma & Louise, driving the car of the cliff into the depths of the afterlife. Still giving direction, just not sure where i’m headed for. Apart from love of course. But i don’t know if that is in the cards for me. I simply don’t know.

I do know i need to let go of some many things. So many feelings. So many desires. So many wants.

I try to live my life as good as i can. I try to make the best of it, my own way. I try to really think about things. I try not to accept what other people say too easily. I still feel happy with this.

I hope i get somewhere. I hope i get out of this nowhere land i’m in now.

Enjoy the weekend. Love 🙂

Published on March 20, 2020 at 6:00 by

Not sure what to say

Thinking. Working. Drinking coffee. Watching television. Drinking tea. Eating sauerkraut soup. A bit of pasta. Walking slowly. Watching at all the houses. Smiling at people passing by.

Still not sure what to say.

*sigh*

Published on March 18, 2020 at 6:00 by

Dreaming

It feels like i don’t have much time. Which is false, of course. I have all the time in the world. To live my own life. To prepare for what is to come. To do the things i love to do. To speak up. To fall in love.

I’m still not in love. I do meet men who i like, who i find attractive. But who tell me they are terrible. Who do not fall in love with me. Who do not give me a chance. While this is the only thing i really really want. Apart from saving the world. I think in one way i’m too young. Too inexperienced. Almost.

I am falling in and out of love faster. It doesn’t affect me as much as it used to. This is experience. This is a stronger sense of self. A better feeling, i’m happy to say. In the end we all do live our lives alone. It is the meeting of someone else which can lighten up your life, when you can feel each other and look each in the eyes and be there for one another. Loose each other and see each other once again.

So i am still dreaming. And thinking. And learning. Each and every day.

Published on March 11, 2020 at 6:00 by

Reading

I finished the book written by Margaret Atwood De Testamenten today. I enjoyed it. I did watch the series The Handmaid’s Tale for the first two seasons. I especially loved the first season.

I loved sitting on the couch and read the time away. I did have a tentative plan to go out and bring the compost away and do some shopping, but tomorrow will do for that as well.

Published on March 10, 2020 at 6:00 by

Peace of mind

Yesterday in the garden i looked up and saw two birds eating and twittering and hopping from branch to branch. They looked like great tits from afar. They sounded like great tits.

I’m thinking about my life, the past years. I still feel the drive, the sense of purpose. I want to get there. This moment of solution. This feeling of wonder. Then i realize it will not happen like that. Not with wanting. I need to give up. This is so hard. I can only touch it in tiny moments. If ever.

Peace of mind. If ever.

Published on March 6, 2020 at 6:00 by

Love love love

Today, the day this post will be published is my birthday. Today I turn 56. I am not sure how this feels. I know it is above middle age, but i still feel young.

Today, Tuesday 25 February, i talked with a friend about what we want in life. I said i am still looking for the love of my life. I also said i feel in conflict with this desire, this wanting in me. I said i know i should lead my own life, do my own things. Not entirely single living though, i am a social being, as are most other people. But to find someone to share my life with, someone to talk with about anything which comes in my mind, and talk about anything coming up in his mind. To be silent with. To hug. To smile at. To hold hands with. All these simple things i miss so much.

I don’t know why my life makes it so hard for myself to live. I don’t get it. I am usually quite happy. Cheerful. Bright. But it is hard. As well.

Another day. Another year. My life turns on. Most of the time.

Published on February 26, 2020 at 6:00 by