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Following

Today wasn’t a productive day. This entire week wasn’t that productive, to be honest. I felt too happy. My mind was racing. I did get new ideas for posts. New ideas for the future. But not yet the time to write them down. I will, of course. But yes, getting a bit quieter in my mind is important. So today i simply read a bit, washed myself thoroughly, with warm water. A friend came by with dumpster dived bread, with raisins and nuts. Lovely! And i watched Star Trek Discovery. I quite like it. I do hope i am getting ready. Well, like i have been over the past fifty three years. It does feel to me to be so obvious, so clear. Looking back on my life, the way i have felt before, living it. All the feelings i have hidden away. All the adjustments i made, trying to fit in. I just never really did.

Well. I threw the I Ching. Following. With a changing second line, bringing me back to the Joyous. Good signs. Being the youngest daughter, this sign always felt close to me.

Ooh… there is one more thing. My father died in October. My mother called my last Saturday and told me. She had read it in a newspaper. He died 16 October 2017. He was 88 years old. I hadn’t seen him in almost thirty years.

My father was the person who pushed me away. And now he is gone. I haven’t cried a tear over him. He has been out of my life for so long. So yes, now he is gone. He left me with a few happy memories. But most are not. Goodbye daddy.

Published on November 3, 2017 at 6:00 by

Wintertime

Friday late in the afternoon i got my computer back. Fast! Fast! The solid state drive feels like, superfast. Of course, now i realize my old hard drive was so slow because of the problems with it. Photoshop now starts up in ten seconds. Not five minutes. The smaller size means i had to put older files on my external hard drive. Not a big issue.

Yesterday, Saturday evening, i had a party. I baked a quince cake to bring along with me. And there was live music. Which was great. Excellent. A proper music jam, with anyone willing participating. With violinist, a vibraphone, keyboards, guitar, several different banging instruments. Lovely. The gin and tonic did get me down. I do remember walking back home not in a straight line. And falling asleep!

And this Sunday evening there was Samhain in the garden. I made a potato and onion adn thyme dish which cooked on the fire. And a salad – with all green harvested in the garden. And music too! I sang along for a bit. Good.

Now i’m home. Tired. Not as drunk as i was yesterday. I’ll hop into bed after i have written this post.

Happy! So happy!

Published on October 30, 2017 at 6:00 by

Wednesday 25 October 2017

This morning i brought my laptop to the Apple repair shop close by. It will be checked first. Then i will decide what repairs i will get made. A big factor is if it possible to het a backup of the current hd. I’m not sure. Later today the shop called me and told me it didn’t get a copy yet. They will letnit running the night.

So, if its not possible, i will get a smaller solid state hd. I might even get a smaller one if they can get a backup. I still have my external hd with room for this backup.

Later today i went to the city hall for a presentation about a single green talking window. Right now it is spread over several different areas. It is good to get to know more people who are working in gardens and who are active in Rotterdam trying to get more people involved. It is important. Politics isn’t really my thing, but it is good to witness these talks and presentations.

Enjoy your day! Talk more tomorrow. Bye bye!

Published on October 26, 2017 at 6:00 by

Working day

This morning i cooked the pumpkin. Just before eleven o’clock i went to the garden on the Hofbogen. Coffee! Stroopwafels! We cleaned up the bit besides the walking platform. I harvested the chard, the salad leaves, the parsley and the Newzealand spinach. We talked and smiled and laughed. Ooh and i slipt and fell. Wham! No major injury, but still, tomorrow i could have some tension in me shoulder and neck area.

This afternoon i baked the third cake. The vegan pumpkin cake. Daniƫl came by after five to get all three cakes for their presentation this evening.

And now i’m tired. But also a bit relieved. Today the money for the repair of my computer is transfered.

So, a good day. Yay!

Salute!

Published on October 25, 2017 at 6:00 by

Inner Truth

Today i baked two cakes for tomorrow. A Jewish Apple cake. A Beetroot and Ginger cake. I will bake a third one tomorrow. The vegan Pumpkin cake. All three are for an event. And yes, i will get paid for them.

I also went to the library. Got a new book and watched chess. It was busy! Many people sitting around the chessboard. I had to leave after a bit, to get home for the cakebaking.

I wasn’t thinking about writing this post. I did yesterday. I enjoyed the Buitenhof broadcast i saw yesterday morning. Spain, Schiphol’s expansion and our lack of making a different way forward. Far away holidays, out industrial monoculture agriculture, all the superfluous packaging. In the past year and a half my life has changed so much, i can imagine this happening to so many other people. I am even thinking about wiping my bottom with cloth after a pee. Mostly for saving money, sure, only for the small wees, of course, but still, it is a big step. For me.

this evening i threw the I Ching. It’s been a while. I got Inner Truth, with a changing line on the third place. With the end sign The Taming Power of the Small. Nice ones.

It is nice sitting here on the couch typing this on the iPad.

*grin*

Bye bye!

Published on October 24, 2017 at 6:00 by

Broken

Two weeks. Two whole weeks.

A broken computer got to me. Two weeks ago, on Saturday morning, i startend to upgrade my system. And i never finished it. A S.M.A.R.T. error. And me with my stupid head thought i could fix it. Of course not. Worse, my computer didn’t start up anymore.

My most recent password file is on my laptop. There is one on the backup of my iMac, a year old. Of course the two most important passwords didn’t work for me. My email and this website. I left it. A couple of days ago i got my email werking again. And today, Sunday, i resetted the password for this website.

I am using my iPad to post this. Which is fine for now. Luckily a friend will lend me the money to fix my computer. Hopefully this week.

Yes, this got to me. Bad. I do feel better now.

Salute!

Published on October 23, 2017 at 6:00 by

Poor

On the whole i feel calm. At times i do get worried. Especially when i talk to other people. My mum, friends. Sometimes, when i walk on the street and i get spoken to, i say i don’t have any money. most people don’t really react to that. It is too far away from them. I understand that. Your own worries are always so much bigger than those from somebody else.

I don’t mind listening to people. Quite enjoy it, really. Learn from it. Some terrible things you hear though. Selfish selfish people doing abominable things to other people. Take away their money. Their stuff. Simply because someone didn’t really pay attention and gave it all to his girlfriend. Not married of course. No legal document. So it is all gone. When the girlfriend has died.

What the man said when we talked. Health. A clear mind. Waking up and going outside. Your head raised. Hmm, that last part is from me. Still. He is right.

But also sweet things. A man talked about his children. Three of them. And his seven grandchildren. All doing well. Made him feel happy. Good.

So yeah, the photo above is all my money. I thought i had a bit more on my bank account. But earlier this week i had a return of money, which made it possible for my energy bill to be paid. Four euros left. And i do need to buy ProZinc for the diabetes of my cat. Fifty five euros. Hmmm. It’ll last for around four months i think. Well. Thinking. Thinking.

This is difficult. Also, in November i need to pay Mediatemple for the the gridserver my website is hosted on. As it looks right now, i won’t be able to. And then of course my mortgage.

Calm. Serene. Don’t let it worry you. You have a life. You have your work in the gardens. You have friends. It won’t go all to pieces. And yes, if it does go to pieces, it is for a reason. To learn. To live through. You know that.

Well, if someone reads this and wants to help me, i won’t mind. Of course not.

You can send money to this bank number:

N.E.Pronk
IBAN NL33 TRIO 0338 6788 24
Triodos bank

I will make a Friendship page on this website and send postcards or a drawing or something else which comes up in my mind to you if you send me me some money. Above ten dollars / ten euros i add. Below ten dollars / ten euros you will just be named on the friendship page as a sponsor. You can of course also use my Patreon page. That page is really quiet. I haven’t fully described what i will do for the people supporting me. I know, i should work on that soon!

So, calmness. A clear mind. Awareness of what could happen. But also faith in myself. In my own abilities. In my own strength.

Have a good weekend. Salute!

Published on September 22, 2017 at 6:00 by

A busy Monday

Last night, between Sunday and Monday, i hardly slept. I was in bed, tossing and turning. Around four i turned on the light and read a little. For fifteen minutes or so. To try to sleep after that. I did fall asleep eventually. To wake up really late. Of course. I got out of bed around ten in the morning. Still feeling tired.

I made my oatmeal porridge. Yum! Like i do each day, for the past couple of months. I turned on my computer and checked my e-mail. Played a little warcraft. Some questing, in Nagrand, with my level 65 death knight. For around half an hour or so. Then i took a shower. Washed my hair. Felt good. I don’t shower that much. Once a week usually. A bit later now. My hair was getting a bit greasy. And i started to feel my skin. Not especially dirty, but i could feel it sliding differently. So yes, clean and smelling fresh once again!

Listening to music after that. Singing along with some tracks. Daydreaming away. So clear. So much… here. And still, i’m still feeling that i shouldn’t go and look for work. I still feel i am doing the right thing. Working in the garden. Staring to play chess in the library. Talking with people. It is good. Good! Not really knowing how this will work out, but i know, deep down, i know for sure it will turn out right. I do trust myself. Completely.

Around two i did a quick blow dry of my bangs. I usually do this once i washed my hair. It’ll stay good for around thirty minutes. But i do like to do it. Then i went out. First i brought a package with my tv reception machine for KPN to the post counter in the supermarket. Since i have canceled my television subscription, i got this brown carton box from KPN to send it back. I do still watch television, but on my iPad or computer.

Then i went to the library. I did watch the end of a chess game before going to look for new books. Some people i know were sitting around the chess board.

Then i turned in the book i finished last night. I went up to the third floor, to the English section. Walked past the cupboards, looked for books by Philip K. Dick, but didn’t see any. Then i thought of the books written by Robert Jordan, the Wheel of Time series. I do have twelve books of that series myself. There were a couple more, and yay! i found them. Number thirteen Towers of Midnight and fourteen A Memory of Light. These books are not my favourite books, but still, i enjoyed the first ones. The ones in the middle are a bit boring. And it is really really long. Fourteen books. Pffff. Still, i am looking forward to reading the end part. Finally.

I went back to the chess game and watched another game. Not terribly exciting, i admit. Everyone plays differently. Defending. Attacking. Going for the small pawns, medium pieces. Or go straight to the king. Put pressure. Fight. Or not. Withdraw. Make a better set up for another attack. So many different variations. I like it. But i still have to learn so many things. Analyzing. Thinking more steps forward. It is good i found the courage to play chess with other people. Happy. So happy with that.

A quick run through the supermarket. Then home. And yes, i’m still a bit tired. It’s five o’clock. I lie on the couch for a bit. Read a little. But my eyes close after a while. I almost doze off. Almost.

Around six i get up and start making a salad for dinner. Kale, green beans, spring onions, feta, bacon. Nice.

The rest of the evening i watch television. De wereld draait door. Koken met van boven.

And now i’m sitting here, behind my computer. Typing this piece. A report of this day. Not a very special day. But also, a very special day. With special moments. So many special moments i don’t even talk about here. The smile i feel when i walk outside. Looking at other people. The joy when somebody looks back and smiles back. Small things. But still, important. In this small area in Rotterdam i live in.

I’m gonna add the photos to this post. And then it is time to go to bed. It is still early, but i don’t mind. I like to read in bed, watch some youtube clips. Anything.

Hopefully i sleep a bit more this night. I do feel tired. But that is no promise.

To you, when you read this tomorrow morning, i hope you will enjoy your day. Filled with work, family, friends, shopping, little talks, maybe big talks too!

Salute!

Published on September 19, 2017 at 6:00 by

Progress

35. Chin / Progress

above LI THE CLINGING, FIRE
below K’UN THE RECEPTIVE, EARTH

The hexagram represents the sun rising over the earth. It is therefore the
symbol of rapid, easy progress, which at the same time means ever widening
expansion and clarity.

THE JUDGMENT

PROGRESS. The powerful prince
Is honored with horses in large numbers.
In a single day he is granted audience three times.

As an example of progress, this pictures a time when a powerful feudal lord
rallies the other lords around the sovereign and pledges fealty and peace. The
sovereign rewards him richly and invites him to a closer intimacy.

A twofold idea is set forth here. The actual effect of the progress emanates
from a man who is in a dependent position and whom the others regard as
their equal and are therefore willing to follow. This leader has enough clarity
of vision not to abuse his great influence but to use it rather for the benefit of
his ruler. His ruler in turn is free of all jealousy, showers presents on the
great man, and invites him continually to his court. An enlightened ruler
and an obedient servant–this is the condition on which great progress
depends.

THE IMAGE

The sun rises over the earth:
The image of PROGRESS.
Thus the superior man himself
Brightens his bright virtue.

The light of the sun rises over the earth is by nature clear. The higher the sun
rises, the more it emerges from the dark mists, spreading the pristine purity
of its rays over an ever widening area. The real nature of man is likewise
originally good, but it becomes clouded by contact with earthly things and
therefore needs purification before it can shine forth in its native clarity.

I am not sure why i am throwing the coins for getting an I Ching sign once again. I used to do this many years ago. When i was still writing in a diary, pouring my thoughts out onto the paper. It grew less over time. Stale.

Not anymore. Not since i got this sledgehammer moment, now almost three years ago. But it is hard to keep myself going. It is hard to not let myself be drawn back into the normal working days of old. The money earning days.

It is strange that people around me, old friends and new friends, simply do not see the things i see. I try to tell them, but it is like talking to deaf men. Or women. I do think about it. I do think about what i was trying to say. And i see the complete misunderstanding of what i say. So clear. It all comes down to me. To say something clearly. Not to be misunderstood.

I hope i can manage that. To be clear in what i say. Close to me. Not denying myself, but also with an understanding of the position the listening person is in.

It is difficult.

Of course.

Published on September 14, 2017 at 6:00 by

Cramps

For over two years i didn’t have any periods. Now, since a week and a half, i have cramps. A little blood. Not that much. Today, while i was sitting in the library watching chess, the cramps got worse. Man. And then i got nauseous. I stood up, walked to the restroom, but it is not free. A tearoom is right besides it, i asked a girl working there if i could use the restroom there, that i was getting sick.

Pfff. I walked out feeling a bit better. The girl, very friendly, offered me a glass of water.

I sat for a little while longer. After around ten minutes i went for a quick run in the supermarket. I didn’t feel good. I felt like a ghost walking carefully.

Back home i lied on the couch, still feeling cramps.

So, that was my day today. Hopefully one of the last times ever i have these cramps. I was so happy to get rid of them. Soon. Soon!

Published on September 5, 2017 at 6:00 by