Categories for Beauty

On beauty

I do not feel beautiful. Looking back on old photographs, i do see i was bit pretty. Serious. Nice. I do like this old photograph of me at four years old, smiling into the camera, made at kindergarten. The shiny curly blond hair, my arms holding the puppet, the flowery top with the white collar, the light coloured pants. Sweet.

I was overweight. I went to a dietician when i was around twelve years old. I lost most of the weight when i was around sixteen years. For the next ten years or so i stayed around the same, between 65 and 70 kilos.

The next photo i made myself. I was around twenty-three years old. This was in my first house, i went to art school. I enjoyed my life. I seriously look into the camera. My hair, darker and longer, is waving tousled around my head.

I like this photo. I look pretty. Young fresh skin. Serious yes. No make-up. A part of me desires to go back to this age, relive it all once again. The friends i made, the work i explored, the fun i had. But that is gone. That world has grown day by day into my world as it is right now. You live your life only in one way, into the future. No holding back.

This morning i read this article by Tavi Gevison with the title Britney Spears Was Never in Control Why did I ever believe a teen girl could hold all the power?. I recognized her name. I followed her web magazine Rookie years ago. She writes about beauty, growing up in the USA, being a white girl, being young, experience new things, men and women and abuse. She writes about changing her mind about what she thought and felt years before.

I noticed that “gray” and “complicated” were words I used to stop questioning whatever had happened, rather than to understand it. “Formative” revealed itself to mean “traumatic.” “Creep” or “bad guy” or “pervy but not Harvey Weinstein” now strike me as wildly nonspecific euphemisms for a danger that was too uncomfortable to grapple with at the time and that, again, prioritizes men’s identities over their actions. This slow-motion aftershock has been its own traumatic event.

I was twenty-eight years old when i first had sex with somebody else. We tried once or twice without penetration. I made the first step myself feeling aroused. We did it!

I never experienced any serious threat of sexual violence in my life. The men i liked were always nice and friendly. Not only after their own pleasure. But also not interested in me. I have difficulty understanding this interplay between men and women. I remember the different daydreams i had over the years, how they evolved over time. From abstract, only expressing a warmth, a feeling of being liked, to my current daydreams, much more realistic, with someone with whom i have an honest relation. But still not that clear.

Over my life i have grown more into myself, feeling more, understanding more. My dreams and wishes have grown with it. In a world in which i do not feel threatened, in which i do not need to defend myself. A world in which i enjoy myself, i confess. But also a world i wish i could escape from. I am not sure if i ever can escape. Away from myself.

I am growing older. I turned 57 years old almost two weeks ago. I notice the wrinkles in my face, my weight, the scars life has left upon me. It is all still me.

Published on March 12, 2021 at 6:00 by

Molly Goddard

Molly Goddard (born 1988/1989)[1] is a London-based, British fashion designer. Goddard grew up in Ladbroke Grove and trained at Central Saint Martins with the intention of working for a fashion house, not thinking she could have her own brand. Her eponymous brand came “accidentally” in 2015 when she started to struggle at the school and threw a fashion party for friends with designs that soon became noticed and took orders.

The Woman Who Made Princess Dresses Punk

Molly Goddard website

Published on March 9, 2021 at 6:00 by

Shampoo soap

This morning i had an appointment with the dental surgeon. I still have a small bump on my lip, from the fall in February this year. She checked it and said we could wait another three months and see how it develops. It doesn’t hurt, but i do feel it. So yes, pretty sure in three months time i will go back and have it sorted out.

After that i went to Spirit and treated myself to a cappuccino and a vanilla-raspberry pie. I read the paper. After that i went into the Gimsel next door. Beforehand i had thought about getting a shampoo bar. I had seen them at the Gimsel before. Since my old shampoo is nearly finished, it felt like the next step for me. No plastic bottles anymore.

The Werfzeep kruidenshampoo seems a good match. I just read on their website:

This gentle shampoo combines calendula, ginger, East Indian cherry, hops, mildly scented cedar, ylang ylang, palmarosa and ravensara and is particularly suitable for long hair.

Source: Herbal shampoo bar

Once i got home and unpacked the soap and smelled the deep herbal woodiness of the soap, i felt happy with my choice.

I knew i had to get another soap case. For transport, for safe keeping. I bought another soap case a couple of months ago for my body soap. This time i bought a tinplate soap case. It is large and the soap fits in it nicely.

I looked up the shampoo soap on the Werfzeep website. I came across this blog post for using apple cider vinegar as a conditioner (in Dutch only). I had read about this before, but i never really tried. The vinegar has a good pH for the skin on your head, it closes the hair scales and washes down remains of chalk, soap and other hair product residues. As i do have the apple cider vinegar right now, i will give it a go. I will start with the basic recipe, simply the vinegar with warm water to rinse through your hair after it is washed with the shampoo bar. I might mix it with some tea tree oil, which i also already have right now. I don’t have any complaints about my hair and hair skin – so not sure about using the tea tree.

I also found a blog post about using the shampoo bar (Dutch only). Either you rub the soap over wet hair, or you foam up the soap in your hands and use it over your hair.

In a couple of months i might let you know how this new hair washing method agrees with me.

Published on August 19, 2020 at 6:00 by

Into town

After a lazy morning spending time reading and drinking coffee and ironing my linen dress i went into the city for some things i would like to get for me.

First i got my lunch at the market. Two herrings with a bit of onion, sliced in bite-size pieces. I sat besides the Markthal on the side of the grass field enjoying the herring while i was watching the children play in the climbing frames.Sad this field will go away soon. A big appartment building will rise on that spot.

I walked on to the Bijenkorf. I had done some research on what i would like to buy for myself from the brand The Ordinary. I took the regimen guide as a good place to start.

Example regimen for general signs of age:
Hyaluronic Acid 2% + B5

Granactive Retinoid 2% or 5% in Squalane
100% Organic Cold-Pressed Rose Hip Seed Oil

I did buy the Buffet, the Hyaluronic Acid and the Rose Hip Seed Oil. The first two are new to me. I am curious to how they will work on my skin. My skin is normal/oily and sensitive. Luckily i don’t have the eczema anymore which was bothering me a year ago. I hope that will stay away.

I walked back and went to the Albert Heijn to get bacon for the dish i want to make for this week. A bit like coq au vin, but without the wine. I still have some sealed chestnuts and dried mushrooms i will use for it. I also bought some peas. Onions i still have. And of course some courgettes. We have so many from the garden. I will also use the rosemary and fennel seeds. Maybe some star anise, not sure about that.

It felt good walking through town, glancing at people and see what they are doing. For a short while anyway.


PS. I did buy some wine, a German dry Riesling. Half of it went into the coq au vin, the other half i drank while talking with my house boss sitting on the balcony. Nice!

Published on July 22, 2020 at 6:00 by


Over the past weeks i have been watching more fashion related films on youtube. I will be doing some posts focusing on these movies. First is the models. Fashion models. These are the films that are standing out for me.

Haute le Mode
A recent discovery. He talks fast, critical. Might take some getting used to. Many reviews and roasts of fashion shows and public events.

George Michael’s videos with 90s supermodels


Too Funky

Published on October 2, 2018 at 6:00 by