A possible future

Hmmm

Yeah, right

OK

Since last Friday i have been thinking about writing and publishing this post. Someone in the garden said it to me. Dreams are good. No use in denying them. It triggered something in me. I have been dreaming about this post Saturday, Sunday and Monday. And then of course this post is altering the daydream. Changing the way it happens.

I’m a bit scared of writing about my daydreams. They are personal. Private. Mine alone. A world in which i can relax and control everything. My inner world. Nothing to do with anybody else.

I am not sure though this is true. Nothing to do with anybody else. All our daydreams, and i suppose nightly dreams as well, have to do with the world and its current lived in state. We all pick elements we like, we love. People we like, we love.

Moments of happiness.

Moments of sadness.

Moments of violence.

Moments of rage.

Moments of desire.

It seems to me someone is perfectly happy when he or she doesn’t have daydreams. When his or her life is full of moments needing attention. Too many to daydream. When nights are filled with much needed rest. Company of friends.

Daydreams have a function in your life. They give you a situation which you can escape to. Where you have all the power to make it the perfect act for your desires, good or bad, to play out their course.

Why the escape?

This world we live in simply moves incessantly through time and through space. For me, and i think for most other people, it seems like the world doesn’t care. Other people do not care. Each and everyone is trying to make this life work for him or her. To get the best out of it. To feel some sort of happiness. In work, in love, in friendship. Or sex. Or violence. But we all run into the borders set out by other people.

In the facebook update about the post Falling i said Falling through life. It felt so right for me. Gravity pulling you down, your hands desperately trying to catch some of the debris floating around you, the ultimate ending getting dangerously closer. A big splash. Kaboom. Dead.

First i want to apologize to the people involved in my daydreams. I’m so sorry. I can not escape myself. Always here.

I reread My dream life. Ooh. Almost the same as this post.

These dreams are all connected. They move forward slowly. My current dreams are so different from a year ago.

I am observing my dreams. Letting them happen is one thing. Thinking about them is another. That is hard. The dreams are my ultimate fantasy, my ultimate life, the things i wish for most.

I dream i am invited in a television show. The last week i see other shows, but i usually pick De wereld draait door. The past day i had a dream i started to sing. Do Re Mi. From the Sound of Music. I did sing My favorite things a few months ago.

I am invited in De Wereld Draait Door. Next week Thursday. 4 May 2017. It will be about this post, the one i am writing now. A possible future. I am nervous and anxious. But also happy. It worked! I got in! Yes!

We, me and Matthijs, we talk about my website. About the more than 500 posts on here. About the many topics i go through. It goes well. Hanneke Groenteman is the table lady. We had talked a bit before in the afternoon, while i was sitting with the visagist. I shook her hand when i came to the table. As i said i would do.

Then Matthijs says Scritti Politti. My all-time favourite band. He looks at me curiously. But of course i know what he will say next.

Because i am writing it here! Making it up as i go along!

The people working on the program have called Rough Trade to get a number of Green. They did contact him. And he is there. I turn around my head and watch the side. I feel my turn a little red. But also a smile comes at my face. I feel so happy! He walks up to the table, with a guitar. He will sing a song! Ooh, The Word Girl maybe? Ooh. He has written a new song. About me. Not entirely finished, but still. He plays it. I’m like transfixed. Sitting there, watching Green and listening to the music. It is wonderful!

After … or before maybe? We talk about the drawings i gave Green a year ago. He has them with him. He puts them on the table. I sort of touch them fleetingly. Matthijs asks if he can see them. I look at Green with a question on my face. Of course, he says. Matthijs likes the drawings.

I am completely there. Not daydreaming, no. So many things are happening, it is too busy to daydream. Just as when i work in the garden…

Oh terrible terrible terrible

Stop it!

I actually walked away from my computer. I listened to Steely Dan albums: Aja, Katy Lied, a part of Gaucho, then Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. I made something to eat.

Writing down that daydream is painful. Very different from dreaming away about it. It makes it one dimensional. Simply a dream to wish true.

And that is not what i want. I understand my daydreams. I get inspiration from them, things to make posts about. Maybe a small part of me wishes parts of my daydreams to come true. But that is not my life. And yes, i do wish to be heard. I do wish to talk in public. Of course. And i do wish to fall in love. And the person i fall in love with to fall in love with me. Of course.

But i do know these things are out of my control. I can only work on myself, right now. Which is what i am doing, for the past two and a half years.

I would so much like to talk about my ideas about how we should live in this world presently. My thoughts about money, about buying stuff, about what we should do to learn, about the food we eat, where we buy it. Schools should all have a garden for their students to work in. Not my idea alone. Of course not. Shared vegetable gardens should be much more prolific. More ingrained in the city planning. And if not, that is where i want to put money in. To buy ground, to pay people to work there. To give money to small scale projects for people and animals all over the world. If i had money. To talk with people all over the world to make a move towards a better world. A world we can all live in and work in.

And no, it will never be paradise. It will be hard work. Things go wrong all the time. But the banks and the companies and the politicians and the news are all making this world seem like it should be like this. And that is wrong.

My mind is jumbled up knot of strands and planes of all different sorts and kinds. Personal stuff, politics stuff, world stuff. And songs and music and stories. Working on this website gives me an opportunity to dig it all out. As much as possible.

This post had three titles.

  1. The ultimate dream
  2. A possible future
  3. An impossible future

I made three swithches. The last switch was back to number two A possible future.

I don’t know my future. People around me say i should take better care, worry more about money, live safer. I simply can not do that right now. I hope it will turn out good for me. That something will lift me up, make my life in this world actually possible in a good way. I really do.

And if not, i will still continue to do what i do now. Keep working on ellenpronk.com, keep working in the garden. Find a way to make some money to keep on going. Because i believe in it with my whole heart.

Working for a possible future.

Published on April 28, 2017 at 6:00 by

Seedlings

A few weeks ago i planted seeds in big pots on my balcony. I ran out of compost, so i took two afternoons to seed all the ones i had. Thyme, rosemary, coriander (cilantro), basil, rocket, catnip. And last week i seeded the Nasturtium seeds i bought on the market. Those are still deep in the earth. But the others, hopefully, are growing well. Some i’m not sure about. It could be a weed growing there, but i’ll find out soon enough.

Little basil plants
Coriander (cilantro)
Rocket leaves
Thyme (i think)
In the rosemary pot, not sure if this is rosemary or a weed
Catnip plants
Published on April 27, 2017 at 6:00 by

Chronological

Published on April 26, 2017 at 6:00 by

Sunday in the garden

A butterfly on the ground
Little almonds
.. and some more almonds
Chervil and purslane (postelein)
Chervil flower
Comfrey flower
Potato growing
A bean or pea, not sure
Published on April 24, 2017 at 6:00 by

Chess

I never was any good in chess. I got a book about playing chess when i was around 11 or 12 years old. I read it all. I played on my own with the questions. The opening, middle and endgames. I enjoyed it. But i never got any good in it. I never found anybody to really play with. The book i still have i read a couple of times. I like that. I also did some of the exercises. I enjoy reading the parts about all the different sides of this game. I will most likely read it again once i finished this post! Well, over the weekend anyway.

I did have the small plastic board with the magnetic pieces. Not sure when i got this one. Didn’t do me much good. It is still a game for two people.

The computer chess game i think i got from a friend of my mother. I used to work for her a couple of years, cleaning up her house. I’m not even sure i really got this game from her, it could be it was meant to be a loan for a short time only. I never gave it back though. Sorry, i can’t remember anything about this.

*thinks hard*

Anyway, i played lots of times on this computer game. I did learn that i was quite good in setting up a defense. It is the strategy and the attack which i’m terrible at. Something which gave me an insight in my personal configuration. It is easy for me to set myself up as vulnerable, as an easy to hit figure, someone for others to protect. It is hard to stand up for myself, fight for myself, see that other people are doing something wrong. If that is the case of course.

I did play chess with postcards for a short while with an old friend. We never played it out. I also never saw her again after this. Not that we had a fight, we just grew apart. I’m not sure i really enjoyed playing it like this. I like to sit opposite someone else to really enjoy playing the game.

I did buy the game Deep Green 1.2.3 for my iPhone. I played it on there a couple of times. I love the way it looks. I also love the way the pieces move, when you play with your fingers touching the screen. Excellent.

But the best game i have, is the one i got only a few months ago. It used to be from my stepfather. After he died, this game was left over. I took it. It is a big, offical game. Staunton pieces, i’m pretty sure. I even have a chess clock. So today i set up the game. I made one of the openings i do know. One of the most well known ones: e4 – e5. These are the first moves of the Open Games. One of the rules of chess is to make as many pieces active. The center is more valuable than the sides. So these two moves are excellent starting moves. White moves its pawn from e2 to e4. It gives its bishop and queen moving space. It also sets up its pawn in the center, looking to d5 and f5. Black does the same with the same advantages. Opening up the game and the most important game pieces – knights, bishops and queeen – is the target of the opening game.

I still haven’t found anyone to play with. But i enjoy this game, even though i’m still terrible at it. I will let the chessboard stand on my table for a while. Read wikipedia about all the different aspects of chess. And maybe, one day, i will meet someone to play with. Or find some place online. You never know!

Published on April 21, 2017 at 6:00 by

Falling

The first time i fell in love was on base school. A new boy entered the school. I was in the sixth grade, twelve years old. He lived in the same street as me, but a lot closer to the city center. I walked past his house and looked up at it. I never saw him there. Nor do i remember ever talking to him.

On holidays with my parents in Tenerife. I met many people there. One of them was a boy who i really liked. I was thirteen years old. I never spoke with him. But friends there said something to me about it. So it must have been obvious.

The guy at school wearing new wave clothes, with his hair short and spiky. He had a girlfriend. But the one time he broke up with her, he asked me out. We went to a gig in a place in Vlaardingen. I said nothing to him. I was so shy. Sitting across from someone smoking pot i was mesmerized by it. Of course that was the only night we went out. Later on i did talk to him. We kissed a bit. He came by my house once or twice. We kissed and touched each other. We both went to the Technical University Delft. But it was over. After i left to go to art school i never saw him again.

A young man in Delft, studying Industrial Design like me, was gorgeous. Absolutely lovely. I stared at him. Not sure i was in love. But he was so nice to look at. So that is what i did.

Marcel, who also studied together with me, said that he felt surprised that he didn’t feel attracted to me. I was sitting on his bed and we were talking about music mostly. We went to a couple of gigs together. For one in Rotterdam he came by my place. My mother and me made pizza. He said he had forgotten i still lived with my parents.

The guy who winked at me. I fell for him like that. Ooh man, i was smitten!

In art school i remember having a talk with one of our teachers. He was quite young, late twenties. He asked me what i wanted. I said to find someone to love and who would love me – if i remember correctly. It was a magic moment. One of my friends pulled me away from there. I went back home. The next week when i came into his class, i saw him turning all red in the face. Nothing ever happened between us.

After art school, at the end of the theatrical evening of Sexposition, a man called Bart asked me come to his place. He said he asked a mutual friend before. I was a bit drunk. I said yes. He said he was curious about my reaction just before i got into his bed. A waterbed. Strange sensation, but it felt great. We kissed a bit. Of course i fell in love. I came by once or twice after that. He wasn’t in love with me.

While i was still in love with him, Ben came by. At a Christmas dinner party in my place, i ended with a small group of friends and started to read fairy tales. I remember him looking at me. At a New Years Party we started kissing. A friend tried to get me away, she felt he wasn’t good enough for me. But i didn’t listen. Not sure she was right anyway. He was the first and only man i had sex with. I wasn’t all over my ears in love with him, but i liked him. He had a daughter, a little girl. That was difficult. It lasted around two months, than we decided it wasn’t going anywhere.

I didn’t like it when he went out with his neighbour living across him in a few weeks time. That did hurt. I also left other friends in that time. I went on my last proper vacation with a friend. Crete, in Greece. Three weeks walking, camping with a tent. That was a good holiday. Not that i liked everything that happened, but well, it was fine. After the holiday i left all my friends. A bit abrupt. A bit sudden, but i felt our friendship was going towards its end. Their reaction, or rather lack of reaction to me having a boyfriend did have something to do with it.

In 1999 i fell in love with Jeroen. He had emailed me about my website. He really liked it. He lived in Rotterdam. We met. I got to know other people doing creative stuff on the internet. It was so nice. We also got to know people working in Amsterdam, but we felt the Rotterdam bunch were much better. Of course.

Jeroen was in love with somebody else. Over the next years we kissed a bit. We spend some nights sleeping together, but we never had sex. With Jeroen i felt very sexual in my dreams. But that was only when i was alone. I didn’t feel that when i was actually with him.

Jeroen got a girlfriend years later. And two children. My best friend Femke had moved to Brussels. I felt alone. The only thing i had was work. I bought a new computer. And started to play World of Warcraft. One time a friend called me up, it must have been 2007. I asked her to call me back the next day, since i was in a raid and was really busy. I called her back the next day myself, left a message on the answering machine. But she never responded. Only a few months later, when i got the birth card for her little girl, i realized she was gonna tell me she was pregnant.

I was out. No friends. Work. And World of Warcraft.

Seven years of being by myself, playing World of Warcraft, loosing my job and going freelance. Not working on my website lfs.nl. Something which was always in the back of my mind. But becoming less and less important. I don’t even remember what i was thinking about these years. I was watching a lot downloads, that i know. Many television series.

I don’t know why the sledgehammer moment occurred. This little crush on someone who worked at the place i was working at the time, for a couple of months. But i moved it away quickly. To replace it with another crush. I don’t know why. I remember feeling so awake while i was sitting in the train on my way to work. Looking at all the people surrounding me. I remember talking to this guy with the Rubik’s cube the whole trip back to Rotterdam. I wrote about it on lfs.nl, in hey.

I just read My boyfriend. I do feel what i am writing now makes more sense. It is so easy to not be clear. To hide behind make believe stories. Stories i believe in myself. Which are not true.

It is so hard to be honest. First and foremost, with yourself. Then the rest can follow more easily.

It is 2017. I have been working on this website for over two years. I love it. Not that i like all the things i do here. I definitely have favourite posts. And posts i don’t like. Posts i leave behind.

I have been working in the garden for a year now. I got to know so many new people. Most are younger than me. All fighting to do something good. For themselves, for their food, for social contacts, for Rotterdam. For this world.

Right now i am not in love with anybody. I am still fighting with my sexual desires. They did stay. In the time i was alone, i hardly felt sexual. But together with that sledgehammer moment my desires surfaced once again. That is a battle. A pleasurable one. I still feel shame, i still want to control myself. My fantasies are changing the whole time. Growing more lifelike. I do feel happy with that.

Looking back on my life, i see i took a long time growing up. A long time to open up towards people around me. Which is still hard for me. I like being alone. Not many things have happened to me. I never had children. Only one boyfriend, which only lasted for two months. I spend years alone, by myself.

I am serious and careful. I take my time thinking about stuff that happens to me. Things people say to me. Strangers sometimes. But most of all the people i know.

So this is my life, for now. And i love it.

I can say i am happy. Right now, in my rather lonesome, money poor life. Terribly happy. Most of the time i smile when i go out to the garden, or out for the market, or for a quick run to the supermarket, or for a walk. I do enjoy watching the people walking by me. Some see that. But many don’t. I don’t mind.

So yeah, love. Hmmm. I still wish to experience that. To meet someone who is nice, intelligent, creative. Someone who has lived his own life.

I still have hope.

Published on April 19, 2017 at 6:00 by

A quiet in between day

Yesterday, Sunday, i did work hard in the garden. This whole Monday i felt my arms, my shoulders and my legs. And no, i hardly slept last night. So i got back in bed this afternoon.

So this is it for today. A slow second Eastern day, as we have here in the Netherlands. I’m gonna leave it a that.

Salute!

I just watched the last part of La La Land. I tried yesterday, but the movie stopped so many times, i stopped. I did cry during the last bit. I do really like it. About young people, who fall in love, who want to make it work for themselves, who want to make an impression on the world. Who slide away from each other. And end up in an different world. And i do like both actors playing the leading parts, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling.

Also a piece from brainpickings.org: How to Tell a True Tale: Neil Gaiman on What Makes a Great Personal Story.

The strange thing about Moth stories is that none of the tricks we use to make ourselves loved or respected by others work in the ways you would imagine they ought to. The tales of how clever we were, how wise, how we won, they mostly fail. The practiced jokes and the witty one-liners all crash and burn up on a Moth stage.

Honesty matters. Vulnerability matters. Being open about who you were at a moment in time when you were in a difficult or an impossible place matters more than anything.

Having a place the story starts and a place it’s going: that’s important.

Telling your story, as honestly as you can, and leaving out the things you don’t need, that’s vital.

The Moth connects us, as humans. Because we all have stories. Or perhaps, because we are, as humans, already an assemblage of stories. And the gulf that exists between us as people is that when we look at each other we might see faces, skin color, gender, race, or attitudes, but we don’t see, we can’t see, the stories. And once we hear each other’s stories we realize that the things we see as dividing us are, all too often, illusions, falsehoods: that the walls between us are in truth no thicker than scenery.

Once more, a deep bow, and salute!

*hugs*

Published on April 18, 2017 at 6:00 by

A full day in the garden

Today, Eastern Sunday, there were five people in the garden. One was a bit sick. But we worked so hard! I only just got home, around 20:15.

We did start out with coffee and some Eastern chocolate eggs. I showed Daniël the nasturtium seeds i bought yesterday. He made a plan for the day. Seed the carrots, weed and then seed pumpkins. Daniël pruned some hedges around. He also put one pole for the new greenhouse in the ground and planted the remainder of the broad beans in the other side of the garden. Farouk dug out the rest of the ground for the greenhouse. Me and Ben did the carrots. Five rows. First we made the clumps of clay a little bit smaller. Than i dug out the five rows. Ben put some compost in the rows. I mixed the seeds with the compost, so it would be easier to seeds everything. Then Ben followed after me putting a bit more compost over the seeded rows.

I walked to the Rotte to fill all the water cans i could find. I took Daniël’s cargo bike. After watering all the new seeded plants Rombout came by too. We divided all the new tomato plants we got a week ago and put those into little pots, two by two. The rest we put in the larger pot back again.

And then Julien had some couscous salad with him! I was really hungry. We all were. So that felt like a small party around the garden table.

And now i’m really tired. So i’m typing this, i will add the photos i made and then i go sit on the couch and watch the rest of La La Land, which i started seeing yesterday. Hopefully i will fall asleep easy this evening. I feel my entire body, so fingers crossed!

Ooh, and the nasturtium seeds i took back home. I will seed these in small pots and plant them out when they are around ten centimeters tall. Will do that tomorrow.

Winter carrots in the middle, smaller summer carrots on either side in two rows
The pumpkin bed
The potatoes are already coming up
Spinach
The start of the new greenhouse
Strawberries
The carrot bed, from the other side
Melde, spinach and lettuce on the bed next to the carrots
Published on April 17, 2017 at 6:00 by