The past week or two i was thinking of throwing the I Ching. I waited. Today it was a good time for me. I had work to do, so i didn’t have plenty of time to work on And the I Ching is something i can simply do at home, not difficult.

I did have a vague question. How do i go further?

This morning i went to the vet with my cat Muis (= Mouse). His diabetes is playing up. His blood was checked, i got insulin for him. Yes, plenty of money, i’m afraid.

I still feel there is something inside me, or outside me, connected to this website, waiting to burst out. But you know, i could be wrong! Easily! I could be sitting here in my house waiting for it to be sold of, me to be homeless and without steady internet. Seeing my life crumble before my eyes. I can see all the people laughing at me, pointing their fingers at me, saying I told you so!

That won’t happen. I’m pretty sure. Almost a 100%. Like 99%.

I don’t know.

I still feel there is something around me. But it is hard to talk about it with friends. Or strangers. Or at all. I gotta keep on going, now is the time, i can not let anything distract me from my true goal.


Well, those sort of thoughts.

I do know my thoughts are changing. I’m watching tv a lot more critical, watching the people say their words, do their things. Some of it is terrible. This whole world is filled with people talking their mind with no proper thought. Or so it seems.

Why do i see myself in the center of that world?

It’s not that i have all the answers.

I think.


27. I / Corners of the Mouth (Providing Nourishment)

This hexagram is a picture of an open mouth; above and below are firm lines
of the lips, and between them the opening. Starting with the mouth, through
which we take food for nourishment, the thought leads to nourishment
itself. Nourishment of oneself, specifically of the body, is represented in the
three lower lines, while the three upper lines represent nourishment and
care of others, in a higher, spiritual sense.


Perseverance brings good fortune.
Pay heed to the providing of nourishment
And to what a man seeks
To fill his own mouth with.

In bestowing care and nourishment, it is important that the right people
should be taken care of and that we should attend to our own nourishment
in the right way. If we wish to know what anyone is like, we have only to
observe on whom he bestows his care and what sides of his own nature he
cultivates and nourishes. Nature nourishes all creatures. The great man
fosters and takes care of superior men, in order to take care of all men
through them. Mencius says about this:

If we wish to know whether anyone is superior or not, we need only observe
what part of his being he regards as especially important. The body has
superior and inferior, important and unimportant parts. We must not injure
important parts for the sake of the unimportant, nor must we injure the
superior parts for the sake of the inferior. He who cultivates the inferior parts
of his nature is an inferior man. He who cultivates the superior parts of his
nature is a superior man.


At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
Thus the superior man is careful of his words
And temperate in eating and drinking.

“God comes forth in the sign of the Arousing”: when in the spring the life
forces stir again, all things comes into being anew. “He brings to perfection in
the sign of Keeping Still”: thus in the early spring, when the seeds fall to
earth, all things are made ready. This is an image of providing nourishment
through movement and tranquillity. The superior man takes it as a pattern
for the nourishment and cultivation of his character. Words are a movement
going form within outward. Eating and drinking are movements from
without inward. Both kinds of movement can be modified by tranquillity.
For tranquillity keeps the words that come out of the mouth from exceeding
proper measure, and keeps the food that goes into the mouth from exceeding
its proper measure. Thus character is cultivated.

Six in the third place means:
Turning away from nourishment.
Perseverance brings misfortune.
Do not act thus for ten years.
Nothing serves to further.

He who seeks nourishment that does not nourish reels from desire to
gratification and in gratification craves desire. Mad pursuit of pleasure for the
satisfaction of the senses never brings one to the goal. One should never (ten
years is a complete cycle of time) follow this path, for nothing good can come
of it.

22. Pi / Grace

This hexagram shows a fire that breaks out of the secret depths of the earth
and, blazing up, illuminates and beautifies the mountain, the heavenly
heights. Grace-beauty of form-is necessary in any union if it is to be well
ordered and pleasing rather than disordered and chaotic.


GRACE has success.
In small matters
It is favorable to undertake something.

Grace brings success. However, it is not the essential or fundamental thing; it
is only the ornament and therefore be used sparingly and only in little things.
In the lower trigram of fire a yielding line comes between two strong lines
and makes them beautiful, but the strong lines are the essential content and
the weak line is the beautifying form. In the upper trigram of the mountain,
the strong line takes the lead, so that here again the strong element must be
regarded as the decisive factor. In nature we see in the sky the strong light of
the sun; the life of the world depends on it. But this strong, essential thing is
changed and given pleasing variety by the moon and the stars. In human
affairs, aesthetic form comes into being when traditions exist that, strong and
abiding like mountains, are made pleasing by a lucid beauty. By
contemplating the forms existing in the heavens we come to understand time
and its changing demands. Through contemplation of the forms existing in
human society it becomes possible to shape the world.


Fire at the foot of the mountain:
The image of GRACE.
Thus does the superior man proceed
When clearing up current affairs.
But he dare not decide controversial issues in this way.

The fire, whose light illuminates the mountain and makes it pleasing, does
not shine far; in the same way, beautiful form suffices to brighten and to
throw light upon matters of lesser moment, but important questions cannot
be decided in this way. They require greater earnestness.

A short thought on these signs and their meaning for me right now. I does remind me of the past ten years, in which i remained silent. I was leading a perfectly ordinary life, working, gaming, watching television shows. But i was standing still.

I d feel different now. I’m moving. Thinking out loud, in this place. I don’t mind that much that this place is not visited by many people. I need this time to clear my head, formulate my thoughts, look around and determine my position. Where do i stand? Where do i start from? What do i want to say?

So for now, these two signs do tell me something valuable.

I need to find a position from where i can sit still and look around. From where i can watch the world hurtle by.

I am almost there.

I think.

Published on August 26, 2016 at 6:00 by

A walk in Rotterdam: from Marconiplein to Dijkzigt

This Tuesday morning i woke up early. I was lying there crying for a bit, then i decided to get out of bed. Half past seven.Even though i thought of doing a bit of work today, i decided to go out and go for a walk. I was in the metro half past eight. It was busy. All people going to work. All silent. Within themselves.

I went to the Marconiplein, the place my walk a week ago had ended. I knew about the gardens i wanted to visit. The Voedseltuin and the Tuin op de Pier were my main targets. But while i was walking there, i was thinking of the milieupark which was close to the Voedselpark. The place where you can go and throw away stuff which can be recycled or re-used. I took a look at all the different kinds of material you can bring there: tires, plastic stuff, chemical stuff, metals, building material. I loved the little gallery of little garden gnomes and dragons and fat chinese man standing together just when you entered the park.

I wasn’t allowed to take any photos of the place. I only took one photo of the view. Looking across the New Waterway towards the place north of Heijplaat. Looking right at the place i took the photo at, the one with the text ‘Across the water the three flats of Marconiplein. I used to live close to them from 1985 – 1995.‘ beneath it.

I turned back on towards the Voedseltuin, the Food Garden (Facebook page). There were quite a few people there, around ten i guessed. I walked all around the circles in which all the vegetables were growing. They were still working on building the last ones. They were using old pedestrian footpath tiles, breaking them into two or four pieces. A lot of work!

I talked a bit with Max, the garden coordinator. I told him about this small project, getting to know the collective gardens in Rotterdam and a bit more about their organization and the volunteers involved. The Voedseltuin is quite a bit bigger than the Peace Garden. They have four working times in a week, from Monday till Thursday. It is a bit better organized than the Peace Garden, i have to say. On their website i read more about their goals, re-integration and permaculture.

A lovely garden. I might go and do some days of work there, to get to know the place a bit better. Not sure it would be for the long term though.

After the Voedseltuin i walked to the Dakpark Rotterdam. There used to be train rails here. Now there are big shops on one side, and on their roofs this park is build. It is eerily orderly. The grass is properly mowed. It is also very quiet. When i asked someone near the fountain, she said it was because schools had just begun this week. True!

Halfway this park there were some small allotments. Above them a couple of sheep were supposed to graze the grass short. I didn’t really see them out and about. They were also fenced of with electrical wires, not easy to go and see them.

I walked through these allotments and walked out of the park towards the end of the Oude Delfshaven with the mill standing there proudly. I followed the Westzeedijk to the Lloyd Quarter. Old harbour area, repurposed with housing and companies buildings. The Garden on the Pier, Tuin op de Pier is there in between the houses near the water.

I was lucky, there were people there as well. They used circles to plant their crops and flowers in as well. This garden was set up by the people living around it. The area isn’t used yet for housing and it looked derelict in between the high rising new buildings. They set up this garden as a space to relax, grow vegetables and herbs and flowers and a place to meet.

Reading their 2015 annual report, this garden is quite active and financially supported by a group of friends consisting mainly of the people living around it. Yoga, Easter Egg hunting with children, many cooking and eating together evening. The kale and rabbit meal in November stands out for me. Once a year they have a moles catcher with his ferret in the garden to try and catch as many rabbit as possible. Subsequently they bake and eat the rabbit with kale grown in the garden itself. I’m sure i’ll be back in this garden soon!

I did walk to another, smaller garden at the other end. By that time my iPhone was dead, the battery empty. I was also getting a bit tired. It was past one already, i had walked for more than four hours. Time to get something to eat and go home. Where i rested my tired feet for a while on the couch before i wrote this piece.

Great walk!



















































Published on August 24, 2016 at 6:00 by

My 7″ singles

An old friend, Peter, gave me this single of The Word Girl as a present. Must have been around 1989, 1990? The best Scritti song ever!
I wasn't an all out singles collector. But when i came across one i liked, i bought it. L Is For Lover performed by Al Jarreau is written by Green Gartside and David Gamson. The early 90s Shabba and Scritti single She's A Woman next to it.
It's alright, the best packaging of a Pet Shop Boys single ever! And a baby clip too. I mean, a clip with lots of babies in it.
Especially the backside with this sunny picture of Neil Tennant.
DjCulture is pretty basic, still good. Next to it this lovely girl, what is her name? Aaah... Patsy Kensit! I'm Not Scared.
The Domino Dancing single. Great.
Where The Streets Have No Name. On the right one of the first singles i ever bought, How Do You Do, in 1972, when i was eight years old.
This section is of singles i bought in the 70s. Between eight and twelve years old. Fleetwood Mac had a huge hit with Go Your Own Way. And i loved I'll Play The Fool.
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Not the best Mud song. And then yes! ABBA! Dancing Queen!
Carl Douglas with Kung Fu Fighting. and The Les Humphries Singers with Mexico.
Ooh... Make Me Smile is a great song! And Steve Harley was kinda cute. I know, i've already added this song to my spotify MIX playlists. But there are many more songs here to add! Like Hot Chocolate's So You Win Again.
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Baby Don't Change Your Mind. On the right a single from a band from the town i am born in, Fungus. Kaap'ren Varen was a new version of an old Dutch traditional song.
A single from Stevie Wonder. I believe it was with an album. And next to it Madness. A bit older here, around fourteen years old.
The Joe Jackson Band with The Harder They Come.
Kylie!!!! OK. *cough* I have to say it here, i have a soft spot for the early Kylie. Wouldn't Change A Thing.
With my ultimate favorite song Especially For You!!!!
These boys, hmm, sorry, didn't do that much really.
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A box from The Ex, a Dutch punk band. They still do exist, have worked all over the world. Found a few video's of this set Dignity Of Labour.
More singles from my young age. George McCrae Rock Your Baby ๐Ÿ™‚ and ABBA's Waterloo ๐Ÿ˜€
80s singles. The Specials Too Much Too Young, Pet Shop Boys Left To My Own Devices (should be in the singles book really, i will put it back in there).
Kylie's Got To Be Certain. She is so pretty! And The Jackson Girls with I'd Rather Jack!! Ooh... pfff... Never Gonna Give You Up.
OK, these singles i bought mostly in the late 80s. I was studying at the time and i really didn't have a lot of money. So i went in the record shops and flipped through the vanished from the top 40 singles. Most were 1 guilder, less than 50 cents in today's money. One song: Apparently Nothing from the Young Disciples.
Shake Your Love from Debbie Gibson
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Taja Sevelle, Love Is Contagious
Published on August 23, 2016 at 6:00 by

Wedding dresses

My favorite wedding dresses. First i thought of a short dress, one with a tight waist and a wide skirt. But i did come across some long ones i really like as well. All are quite minimal, of course. I did make a pinterest board with all the ones i found. Will do some more searches.

If it does actually happen, my wedding, i will ask a fashion designer if he or she wants to design a wedding dress for me. I don’t know if they will do that though. So i will continue my search. It does give a big amount of pleasure searching around, trying to imagine myself in a dress and eventually find to my ultimate wedding dress.

Lanvin Ruffled Satin Twill Gown ($5,150) Gorgeous. At the front it looks like a long T-shirt. At the back there are some ruffles. Bit expansive, but hey, you only marry once! Not sure this will fit my curvy figure though.
A bit more casual and bohemian. A short sleeved pink T-shirt with lace and a light green wide skirt with tule overlay with some flowery embroidery. But, this might look better on a skinny figure. From Alison-Jayne Couture.
Another T-shirt and skirt. The pale light grey blue skirt is lovely. This paired with a long sleeved top looks lovely. Still, one of the reasons i opted for a shorter dress is that my lower legs are quite skinny. I think showing them more will balance my figure very well.
This Audette dress from The Row is close to what i have in mind. Clean lines. I love the sleeves, with the open cuffs popping out. The length is just right. Also, i do need to wear a good bra, so a bare top is not right. This would work!
A typical Audrey Hepburn wedding dress. This does fit well with my first thought. Not sure i will stick to it though.
This 2012 Valentino short white dress is gorgeous. Exquisite. Also love the sandals.
Designed by Charlotte Simpson. Lovely. The embroidery looks wonderful.

I haven’t found my dress yet. And there are also the shoes to think of, the make up, the undergarments. But of course, the most important asset of the day, the husband to be, i haven’t met yet. Just a minor detail.

Published on August 22, 2016 at 6:00 by

Vlog #1 Bridges

My first real vlog! So many things to get used to. Talking. Brrrr. Looking in the camera. Brrrr. But still, considering this is my first outside filmed vlog, it is ok. I guess.

I did enjoy the walk. And the talks with different people. The fisherman. The photographer. I gave them my old card, with a drawing of me on it, and my website written on the back. I should get some more. I kinda liked sharing these.

Enjoy your weekend!

Published on August 19, 2016 at 6:00 by

Going Through the Motions

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one of my most favourite television shows of all time. Yeah, ok, Firefly is up there too, it had a great half a series run. But the seven seasons of Buffy are so wonderful. The late 90s, watching the show on television, it was so much fun. I don’t think i remembered at the time i actually had seen the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer in 92 or 93 at the Rotterdam Filmfestival. It was one of my more easy going picks end i enjoyed it so much then.

This episode, Once More, With Feeling, is the special musical episode. When this episode was broadcasted in the Netherlands, the net didn’t know what to do with this. They decided to broadcast it out of the usual time for Buffy, later at night. So stupid! This episode is in the top three list of my favourite Buffy ones. Together with Hush and The Body.

Watching Buffy was the start of my admiration of Joss Whedon. A thoroughly nice person with up until now excellent taste in choosing the right direction to go into. Starting with Buffy, then Angel, Firefly, Dolllhouse and ending with the Avengers blockbusters. Hopefully more will follow.

So, i tried to sing the first song of Once more, With Feeling. It is hard, to sing a cappella, i admit. Hard to hold the tune. As you may have noticed in my earlier songs. Still, it was great hearing and seeing all the songs once again. All the clips are included in this post. Enjoy!

I mean it, ENJOY!!

Going Through The Motions – Once More With Feeling, Buffy
Every single night
The same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real
Nothing here is right

I’ve been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart

I was always brave and kind of righteous
Now I find I’m wavering
Crawl out of your grave
You find this fight just doesn’t mean a thing

She ain’t got that swing

Thanks for noticing

She does pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately, we can tell
That she’s just going through the motions (Going through the motions)
Faking it some how

She’s not even half the girl she…ow.

Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor?

How can I repayโ€”

I don’t want to be
Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can’t even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be

The original start of the Buffy episode Once More, With Feeling

And the rest of the songs…

Published on August 18, 2016 at 6:00 by

A walk in Rotterdam: the Essenburgsingel

This morning i went for a walk past some allotments, municipal gardens and other such initiatives in Rotterdam. I will make more walks like this over the next weeks. I won’t always find people to talk to, but it is good to see the gardens and its crops anyway.

De Spoortuin
I was lucky. There were people in the Spoortuin. I got an walk through the most amazing woody foresty garden, next to the railway and the Essenburgsingel, so close to the center of Rotterdam. The start of this garden is a municipal garden, with some areas for schools close by. Next a small building for the tools, with grapes growing outside of it. And then a narrow woody path besides the water, mint growing beside it. Some trees form bridges over narrow water inlets, good for fish, birds and frogs. A magnificent tree fallen down, with new trees growing straight up into the sky from its trunk. An extremely wide tree with thick ivy stalks grwoing up into its crown of leaves.

Rinus told me a few years back there was the intention to build houses in this place. The people living around it joined up together to fight this plan. They won! The garden is wonderful. I’ll go back there to make a couple more photos.

Links and photos
Wilde natuur in hartje Rotterdam, bestaat dat?







The rest of the walk
I was less lucky for the next part of the Essenburgsingel. Both gardens there were closed, the Educatieve Tuin Essenburgsingel and the Pluktuin. I did make photos of the entrances. All three of these gardens are part of the bigger Essenburg Park. I’m not sure how this area will develop, i will do more searches and hope to talk to people over there soon about this lovely area.



I walked further on, over the Mathenesserbridge and along the Mathenesserweg to the tube station Marconiplein. My old neighborhood. Some new housing, like my old house, demolished years ago. But other than that basically still the same. I took the tube back home. A good walk!



Published on August 16, 2016 at 6:00 by

Ellen’s Vlog – Introduction


No make-up. No neatly combed hairs. No straight looking into the camera. All the things you can do wrong i do. I still like it though. I feel there is something in this video, something i really like. I do hope this is the start of many other video’s. No music, a bit of talking, a bit of filming.

But ooh man, i am so nervous!

My first vlog!

Published on August 15, 2016 at 6:00 by