Today i felt bit down. Like a heavy feeling inside, pulling me towards it. It is of course about the imminent changes in my life. They scare me. But i simply can not let go. It is not always like this. Some days i have things to do which distract me.
I’m looking around in my house and see it is all temporary. It will all fade away.I question myself: why? Why do i let it come to this? Am i crazy? I might just well be. There is such a small chance that i will find something to make my life worth living. On the other hand, i have found so much! The gardens, the trees, the veggies, the people, the flowers, the worms, the insects. So many things, right here in the middle of Rotterdam.
I do hope with all my heart i can turn my life around. With all my heart.
I took my camera with me to the garden. I knew i had to give out jobs and i wanted to seed the echinacea and the red onions. But i thought i would have time to photograph. I imagined spider’s webs and little insects and hopefully a rat if i could wait for them long enough. But no.
There was only Zoë, a first time visitor to the garden. She had heard of the garden from Nitai. So i showed her the entire garden. We removed all the bean bamboo sticks. We seeded the echinacea and potted the red onions. We drank coffee. Than Nitai came by. We drank some more coffee. We talked about all different sort of things. We harvested the hot peppers and the little courgettes and the red tomatoes. We waited for Brian with the horse manure, but he didn’t turn up before a quarter past five. So we left the garden.
The weather was nice. Almost dry. A little bit of sunshine. Not too cold. Hardly any wind. Nice, for 20 October. I have enough peppers in my house to make some hot sauce. Good for tomorrow!
So no photographs. A nice afternoon. Very nice!
Earlier this week i got an idea for today’s post: health. I was thinking about my personal history with my diabetes. How i first not thought about it that much. Simply took the medicine. I did drink a bit less, no longer a bottle of wine each day. I did loose some weight, around ten to fifteen kilos. This morning, thinking about this period nine years ago, i suddenly felt tears in my eyes.
I never thought about this time as being unhappy. I knew i wasn’t terribly happy, but no, not very unhappy. Now i realize i was exactly that. Unhappy. Terribly. Feeling so unhappy with my life. Nothing i imagined had come true. I worked and played warcraft. That was it.
At that time i didn’t think about this. I didn’t feel it. I didn’t cry. I just went on. And on.
Now, i am in a much more precarious position. But i am happy! Finally. I enjoy my life. I don’t even feel that much fear about the future. I am curious, excited even. I don’t know what will happen, but i want to find out. I trust myself. I am strong. Stronger than ever before.
So yes, today i feel a bit off. I feel heavy. But this is all old pain i am feeling. And it will pass.
Enjoy your weekend! Salute!
Next To You
Can’t Stand Losing You
Message In A Bottle
Walking On The Moon
Don’t Stand So Close To Me
De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da