It was around 2004 or 2005 that i thought there was something really wrong with me. Nothing seemed to work for me. I had fallen in love with somebody who clearly said to me he wasn’t in love with me. My work was only half satisfying me. So i went to the Riagg, the institute for ambulant mental healthcare. This institute doesn’t exist anymore. They referred me to a psychiatrist.
I went there and we talked. Truly, i don’t remember that much about what we talked about. A few things he said to me i do remember. Once he said to me that i was continuously wearing the same clothes. At another point he said to me my mother might be a bigger issue to me that i thought. We did talk about my father, who i hadn’t seen for around fifteen years at the time. At both points i felt he had a point. My clothes, hmm, not a big point really. I still wear similar clothes during the week. At home i wear my home clothes, that are comfortable and easy. To the garden i wear other clothes. When i go shopping i wear a dress or pants and a t-shirt. Very basic.
I love my mother. But she is part of a life behind me. My father is somebody i don’t think about too much really. A part of a life way behind me.
I think i went to this psychiatrist for around a year. When i left he said to me i could come back if i wanted to. I never did. Nor want to.
I left with the feeling i should be a bit more nicer to myself. More forgiving for all the mistakes i make. No, i’m not perfect. I do not need to be.
Looking back on it, i really do not think i needed to go to the psychiatrist. There wasn’t much wrong with me. Still, it is not wrong i went at the time.
I have grown older over the years. I see the wrinkles in my face. My thinning brows. It’s not all as smooth as it once was. I do find that difficult. Just yet, i made photos of my face. I opened them in photoshop and i have to keep myself from adding a blur filter. Don’t do that!
I’m happy the eczema around my mouth is finally disappearing though.
I do get older. Luckily! I do feel quieter in myself. I feel more aware. Aware of what happens inside of me and outside of me. I’m thinking. All the time.
The past five years have been very thought provoking. It started with me falling in love. I’m still not sure why that happened. I am happy that it was very inconsequential. Very dreamlike. Not real. Apart from my own feelings. It gave me the opportunity to think about myself, to dissect myself. Take away all these parts i thought was me, to find out it is not.
I’m trying to live the best life i can imagine. With friends around me, activities which makes me happy. Doing something worthwhile. And yes, working on this website is worthwhile for me. It is my diary. A place in which i can play around, express thoughts, show photos, drawings. Whatever i want. It is not high art. But i do love it myself. Working in the garden is also important. The people i meet there are friends.
I do long for somebody to be close with. Somebody to share my life with. Desperately. Somebody to be friends with. Be silent with.
I still do.
The last days were difficult. I felt tired. I expected Muis to turn around every corner in my house. I still do. I’m cleaning up his stuff. I will not get a new cat, not until i have a house with a garden. Someday sometime. Perhaps.
I will be fine. It takes a little time.