Things on my mind

Fuck it.

Fuck it all.

I am so afraid. I feel like a train running towards the end of the line and not slowing down. Crash and burn i will, i’m sure.

To me one of the causes of the current corona-crisis is the amount of people and cattle living on our earth, the current flying movements, deforestation. Amongst other things.

The current figures from January 05, 2022, 13:43 GMT are:

Coronavirus Cases: 295,850,800

Deaths: 5,476,857

Recovered: 256,292,665

This is severe, but not as severe as other pandemics covering the world. HIV/AIDS caused 32.7 million deaths sice the epidemic started in the early 70s. The Spanish flue infected half a billion people wordwide killing 20 to 100 million. The Black Death gave an estimation of between 75 to 200 million deaths. In percentages against the total world population these figures are even more severe.

Our current system is far from infallible. It is confusing to me. Some people i trust. But there is a multitude of voices and posts and articles each screaming loudly its own truth.

I am usually a happy person. When i walk about i say good day to people i come across. Well, the ones i catch the eyes of. But the past half year was a bit more difficult. Especially at night i lie awake for hours, worrying about the future. My money is running out. A few months ago i thought about this and half decided to go looking for a job in the new year. Now it is 2022, and i decided against that. I still have a few thousand euros, still enough for a couple of months. And i simply do not want to work for money. I refuse. I don’t know what i will do when i run out and things are still the same in my life. I do hope things will not be the same. My big hope. That i will write something here, or make a drawing, or make photographs. Anything to get me out of here.

We are getting closer to two years of having the corona virus traveling around the world. So far i never had corona. I did get two vaccinations. Tuesday 4 January i have gotten my third one. Partly i get these vaccinations because of my diabetes. I live a quiet life, spending most of my time alone at home. I enjoy making long walks, but lately it is not any longer than walking into town or a park. Still forty five minutes.

Published on January 7, 2022 at 6:00 by

Todays things to remember

The day i got my booster vaccination.
Be proud (Wees trots) at the top of the building.
The house where an old friend of mine used to live. It is being renovated right now.
My old house. Since the renovation there are some house numbers missing. The way in is now on the side street.
Published on January 5, 2022 at 6:00 by

The Academy

Today, Sunday 2 January 2022, i walked to the library. On my way over there i met Mr. Renault, an old neighbour from my home at the Lombardkade. We talked a little. He told me there still didn’t live anyone in my old house, which really surprised me. I asked him if i could come by and check my post one time in the next few weeks. The mailbox doesn’t have a key, so i only need to get into the porch. That was fine with him. I also met some people i didn’t know who i wished best wishes to. One woman who was looking up at the houses at the beginning of the Nieuwe Binnenweg. What are you looking at, i asked. At the houses she replied. I said i liked the houses further up the road better. She said she was looking at the decorations before the windows. I said i didn’t much like those decorations. And i wished her best wishes. We laughed. Lovely.

At the library i got the four final books of the Dark Tower series written by Stephen King, in English. The first three i had read in Dutch. The fourth one was lend out. Yesterday i checked the library website to see if it was available in English. Yes!

When i walked up there, in around forty-five minutes, i thought i would walk back again. But with my bag full of books, i decided to take the bus.

I took a photograph on the square in front of the library. Then when i arrived at the bus stop close by, i took a photograph of art school across the street. Or as i call it in Dutch, the Academy (Academie). I went to art school between 1986 and 1991.

This drawing shown above i made in my first favourite year, 26 October 1986. All the different subjects i loved. Drawing, conceptual, art history, 3D. My second year i had chosen painting and graphic, but my painting was hopeless to the tutor, so i had to pick another direction. Monumental and photography it was the next year. I enjoyed photography. Monumental was harder. I stuck with those two directions. I ended up making self portraits and combining them with texts. So many self portraits. Only two contact sheets i show here below. There are two photos on these sheets which i did use for my exams.

Feel me - Free me - Fuck me, 1991
Published on January 3, 2022 at 6:00 by

My life looking back

I am born on 26 February 1964 in Vlaardingen, a small town close to Rotterdam, the Netherlands.

My first memory is a funny one. It was a remembrance dream i had when i was around twenty of a moment way back in time, when i was around one and a half. There was a photograph taken of me by my father. While i was turned towards my mother she pointed to somebody behind me and i turned back. Click. That photograph is real. That i lost it doesn’t matter, i know it is really taken on that warm day in 1965.

That is my first real memory, in which i felt alive, feeling the stones beneath my hands, the warmth of them, the happiness i felt at the time, even though in the photo i look kinda grumpy.

On my way walking to kindergarten school there was a transformation house with a skull on the door. I always walked meters around that door, or i walked to the other side of the road. I also remember walking to the house my mother worked at between kindergarten and the park.

I grew up.

I learned to control my inner feelings. I did go to Technical University and studied Industrial Design, but halfway i decided i was gonna go to art school. I enjoyed that. After school i organized an exhibition together with a friend. I learned a lot, but it wasn’t my thing. After a couple of years i decided i wanted to go and work. For five years i worked at a printer. I learned so much there. About work, about people. The mistakes i made there are a lifelong lesson. Then i was finished there, i walked away. To another job. Which lasted around 10 years, well, with a job in London in between. That was fun, to be asked to work somewhere based on what was seen on my website. Not that it was any good, but still.

In 2010 the work stopped and i went freelance for around five years.

In 2014 i stopped working freelance. I got an epiphany. I had to go back to my website and work on it. I felt it in my heart and soul. There was no way i could turn my back on this. For eight years i had stopped working on it, but now i had to go back and work work work!

And now i’m here. So many years older. Fifty seven years. And i still can not let go of it. I am still living of the money i got from selling my house, which will last me a couple of months more. And against all odds, i’m still not giving up.

This is my final written post for this year. Tomorrow i will post a drawing, however finished it is.

The first post of 2022 will be 3 January.

Enjoy your time.


Published on December 23, 2021 at 6:00 by

Paul Kingsnorth

A few years ago i saw the Tegenlicht documentary De aarde draait door (The earth turns on). The subject of this documentary is Paul Kingsnorth, who currently lives in Ireland with his family on his self sufficient farm. A year ago he went through a conversion to Christianity, after learning from Buddhism, witchcraft and other corners through the past thirty or something years.

I was just walking to my chair when I was overcome entirely. Suddenly, I could see how everyone in the room was connected to everyone else, and I could see what was going on inside them and inside myself. I was overcome with a huge and inexplicable love, a great wave of empathy, for everyone and everything. It kept coming and coming until I had to stagger out of the room and sit down in the corridor outside. Everything was unchanged, and everything was new, and I knew what had happened and who had done it, and I knew that it was too late. I had just become a Christian.


It reminds me of a talk i had with my nephew years and years ago, i was 13 or 14 years old. We talked about the bible. For him the bible was a true and moral high standing book. For me it was a history, not a moral story.

I was wrong of course!

I am not a Christian myself. But my old beliefs are falling apart. My old beliefs of left-wing feminist thoughts and scientific non-mythical words. I am not sure where i stand. But i don’t stand at the same place anymore.

I almost envy Kingsnorth in that he has finally found something worth fighting for in Christianity. I am interested in his whole life, but it is also quite a task to get to know each aspect of it. If i ever do.

There are still so many people around the world who i am interested in.

Published on December 21, 2021 at 6:00 by


A few weeks ago i watched the youtube video called 3 Books that Changed My Way of Living from Kalle Flodin. I was surprised by the final and first book on the list: Ishmael written by Daniel Quinn. I remembered a friend of mine had told me about this book a couple of years ago. I even wrote it down in a booklet i kept. This time i ordered this book from the library. I read it, with pleasure and finished it within a week.

The main actors in the book are the Takers and the Leavers. Takers are the current ‘civilized’ people occurring since the agricultural revolution taking place around 10,000 years ago. Leavers are the other people, the so-called hunter-gatherers. Myths are the stories ruling the world. The man who is talking to Ishmael, the old gorilla captured and teaching the man about the world and the Takers and Leavers, doesn’t believe myths have any say over this world in which he lives – our own world. Which is of course completely untrue.

The book is written in a simple language, clear to follow. Highly recommended.

Published on December 20, 2021 at 6:00 by