Author Archives for Ellen

My sleep

I don’t sleep very well. I know, i should not watch movies and television series on my iPad while i lie in bed. It is better to read. But it is hard to resist.

When i turn out the light, i usually switch to my right side. Then i turn around to my left side. Then i turn to lying on my back.

I think about sex. About love. About loving sex. Sometimes i masturbate, but usually not.

Sometimes i turn on the lights again. Play a bit of Stardew Valley, my favourite game of the last two weeks. Then i turn down the lights again, once more. Tossing and turning.

This is difficult. Last night it felt i fell asleep only half past five. I am not sure of this, it could be i was asleep earlier. I simply don’t know.

And all i think about is love. Someone to love. Someone to love me, to enjoy life with. To live life as open as possible. Garden, sing, dance, cook, talk and smile and laugh with.

Not so easy.

My card of today. A torrent of emotions has separated me from home. The past days i have thought about all my things, my furniture, my books, my records, my cd’s, my cooking stuff stacked in the storage facility. Feeling sad when i think abut this. Feeling like i have already lost this. Which i haven’t. But still.

It is difficult to find a good way to move forward in. Right now.

Five of Cups Description
Arcan: Low arcane
Element: Water, female, passive energy – emotions

There are sure Tarot playing cards whose imagery without delay conjure up negative feelings, and the Five of Cups consists of such weight. This is a card which indicates loss as well as the painful demanding situations which stem from that unique loss.

The card depicts a figure that is wearing a black cloak. The man or woman hides his face in what seems to be despair. There are 5 cups at the ground, 3 of that have fallen whilst the opposite two remain status. The individual, however, appears to observe that there are two status cups as is simply too busy mourning over those which can be fallen. There is a effective river which flows between him and a house or a castle in the distance, indicating that a torrent of emotions have separated him from home.

Five of Cups meaning
The Five of Cups symbolizes disappointment, and the feelings that come when things go otherwise as you expected. You are feeling sad that a sure situation hasn’t clearly became out the manner you have was hoping it would. Instead of transferring in the direction of a more superb perspective, this card seems to mention which you are dwelling within the beyond, inducing emotions of self-pity and regret. The water which is simply spilled from the cups shows which you would possibly have overlooked an opportunity. It also shows that the trouble is often emotional and now not material or financial.

Instead of transferring toward a more fine perspective, this card seems to say which you are dwelling inside the past, inducing emotions of self-pity and regret.

The which means of the Five of Cups suggests that you can have certain issues letting go of things that are within the past. What is more, it also suggests that you are unwilling to analyze from mistakes which you have already committed. The card is regularly going to reflect a person who is so stuck up in his beyond that he is truly incapable of moving on. This way that he has a high danger of lacking out on what new joys that the future can bring.

Published on April 8, 2020 at 6:00 by

It is well to remain below

62. Hsiao Kuo / Preponderance of the Small


While in the hexagram Ta Kuo, PREPONDERANCE OF THE GREAT (28), the strong lines preponderate and are within, inclosed between weak lines at the top and bottom, the present hexagram has weak lines preponderating, though here again they are on the outside, the strong lines being within. This indeed is the basis of the exceptional situation indicated by the hexagram. When strong lines are outside, we have the hexagram I, PROVIDING NOURISHMENT (27), or Chung Fu, INNER TRUTH, (61); neither represents and exceptional state. When strong elements within preponderate, they necessarily enforce their will. This creates struggle and exceptional conditions in general. But in the present hexagram it is the weak element that perforce must mediate with the outside world. If a man occupies a position of authority for which he is by nature really inadequate, extraordinary prudence is necessary.


Perseverance furthers.
Small things may be done; great things should not be done.
The flying bird brings the message:
It is not well to strive upward,
It is well to remain below.
Great good fortune.

Exceptional modesty and conscientiousness are sure to be rewarded with success; however, if a man is not to throw himself away, it is important that they should not become empty form and subservience but be combined always with a correct dignity in personal behavior. We must understand the demands of the time in order to find the necessary offset for its deficiencies and damages. In any event we must not count on great success, since the requisite strength is lacking. In this lies the importance of the message that one should not strive after lofty things but hold to lowly things.
The structure of the hexagram gives rise to the idea that this message is brought by a bird. In Ta Kuo, PREPONDERANCE OF THE GREAT (28), the four strong, heavy lines within, supported only by two weak lines without, give the image of a sagging ridgepole. Here the supporting weak lines are both outside and preponderant; this gives the image of a soaring bird. But a bird should not try to surpass itself and fly into the sun; it should descend to the earth, where its nest is. In this way it gives the message conveyed by the hexagram.


Thunder on the mountain:
Thus in his conduct the superior man gives preponderance to reverence.
In bereavement he gives preponderance to grief.
In his expenditures he gives preponderance to thrift.

Thunder on the mountain is different from thunder on the plain. In the mountains, thunder seems much nearer; outside the mountains, it is less audible than the thunder of an ordinary storm. Thus the superior man derives an imperative from this image: he must always fix his eyes more closely and more directly on duty than does the ordinary man, even though this might make his behavior seem petty to the outside world. He is exceptionally conscientious in his actions. In bereavement emotion means more to him than ceremoniousness. In all his personal expenditures he is extremely simple and unpretentious. In comparison with the man of the masses, all this makes him stand out as exceptional. But the essential significance of his attitude lies in the fact that in external matters he is on the side of the lowly.

Published on April 7, 2020 at 6:00 by

Two walks

This Saturday and Sunday i made long walks. Saturday one with 10.039 steps, Sunday one with 14.670 steps. Both times i went to the north part of Rotterdam, Hillegersberg and Schiebroek. I just checked to see if my plugin to draw my walks is still working, but it didn’t. And really, i’m too tired to invest a lot of time into trying out new plugins for this.

So i will leave it with one of the three photos i made in both walks.

The weather was lovely, one of the first real spring days here in the Netherlands.

Added these images on monday. This morning i thought, why so difficult? I can simply draw the walks i made. No fancy plugins needed at all!

My walk on Saturday 4 April
My walk on Sunday 5 April
Published on April 6, 2020 at 6:00 by

A lazy day

Today i haven’t been outside. I watched a Beck episode on Netflix. I played Stardew Valley. I bought this game earlier this week. A basic farming RPG, where you can farm, forage, mine and fish. I play this game on my iPad, lying on my bed. Very enjoyable.

That is it for today. Nothing important going on. Simply move along.

Salute! Enjoy your weekend. 🙂

Published on April 3, 2020 at 6:00 by

Not a donor

Reading the article again i read Monday for the first time called Our political authority does not only govern over life, but also over death, i tried to remember my motivations to say no on the donor question asked in 1998. No, i don’t want to donate my organs to anyone once i am dead.

I remember thinking about it. I remember feeling that my body is my own. I wasn’t thinking about cannibalism, about necropolitics. I was basing my decision on a feeling. I didn’t want any medical professional to decide for me. I didn’t feel my body belonged to the medical profession to do with what it desired. It is irrefutable my own body. It is me.


So i said no. Not giving in to the dominating discussion with its focus on charity and giving other people another opportunity to live a full and fruitful life. No. I am my body. My mind and my body are intertwined. Inviolable. Sacrosanct.

This was based on a feeling i had. A feeling i listened to. A feeling i took seriously. Not out of a whim.

Today, with the new law approaching on 1 July 2020, i still feel the same. Even more so. I have read about the difficulty of determining brain death, i read about keeping a body semi alive to get the organs out. I’m not looking forward to my own death, and i don’t want to mess this up with surgery and decisions. I would like my death to be mourned, not celebrated because somebody else can live on.

I actually feel violated by the ad on Dutch television asking people, almost telling people to say yes to being a donor. In this i am happy i have my own mind making decisions for this.

Published on April 2, 2020 at 6:00 by

Views on the Netherlands

A walk along the Rotte. I made photos of the typical Dutch views i came across. The houses with the highway in the background, the windmill, the birds besides the highway, views on the Rotte with reet and grass and trees. And a clear blue sky with no airplanes at all!

Published on April 1, 2020 at 6:00 by


Today on Twitter i came across an article called ‘Onze politieke macht regeert niet alleen over het leven, maar ook over de dood‘ published in Vrij Nederland 21 March 2020. I need to reread this article, as it touches on many different subjects within current and past politics and society. For now i will quote some parts which really impressed me. These quotes are in Dutch. Later on i will write more about this in Englsih.

In lijn met Da Vinci constateerde de Japanse socioloog T. Awaya: ‘Tegenwoordig bekijken we elkaars lichaam met een gulzige blik, als potentiële bron van losse onderdelen waarmee we ons leven kunnen verlengen.’ Hij gebruikt de term ‘sociaal kannibalisme’.

In Nederland weet bijna iedereen, nu de wetgever elke Nederlander tot potentiële donor heeft verklaard, dat burgerschap ook inhoudt dat het eigen, ademende en levende lichaam van staatswege precair is geworden, een zak van huid met daarin dobberende organen en weefsels: een toekomstig medisch hulpreservoir.

In 1998 i stated officially for the Dutch state i wasn’t prepared to donate any organs after i died. Something i still feel fits with my personal life view. Reading this article reinforces my opinion on this subject and gives me more tools to work with to talk about this with other people. Still in early stages though. More will follow!

Published on March 31, 2020 at 6:00 by

A quiet city

A walk i made last Friday through the centre of Rotterdam. A quiet city, for sure. I stayed clear of all people i came across, made many photographs. The best ones i show here. Many many closed shops or ones with different entrances. Two people at work in the garden, closed for the volunteers. Two doves unaware of everything that is going on in the human world. 🙂

Published on March 30, 2020 at 6:00 by

To the dentist and a bit of shopping

This morning i got out of bed quite early. I ate my breakfast, oats and got ready to walk to the dentist. It was so quiet on the streets. The sun was shining. Some people were outside. I managed to stay clear of them. When i entered the dentist’s place i cleaned my hands with the hand sanitizer hanging at the entrance. I said my name to the receptionist behind the glass panel. I sat down and waited for around ten minutes.

I’m relieved to say that the whole dentist thing was not as bad as i anticipated. The anaesthetic was the most painful feeling. It did numb the whole lower right face. In two weeks time i have another appointment with the dentist dor a new bracelet, this time behind my teeth.

On the way back, my face still half numb, i went into the Gimsel. This time the entrance was one door to the right. Spirit, the vegetarian restaurant over there is closed. At the entrance there was hand sanitizer and paper towels. Inside the shop i waited when i wanted something where somebody else was looking for something.

Weird weird weird.

I’m not afraid. Not scared. But this does impress me.

Published on March 27, 2020 at 6:00 by