Author Archives for Ellen
Today, i was sitting on my bed, thinking about life, watching some youtube videos. Yesterday i subscribed to De Balie, this afternoon i watched their latest video, Arnon Grunberg Ontmoet Bart Nauta en Alicja Gescinska (Dutch only), halfway. I will watch the rest this evening. It did get me thinking about my life, what i want, i guess. I used to say i want to find somebody to love. That is still with me deep down in the depths. But it is not the only thing i want. I do enjoy talking with people. I like to go to the market on Saturday and talk with people there over all different sorts of things.
So here I am. 50 years old. I can spend my life alone, quite happy. Or i can try to find my boyfriend. Finally.
My first response is of course to get me one, now! When I sit in the train, when I walk outside, I am watching all the people passing by. Quite desperate really. I’ve become aware that I’m in a dangerous period. I can start to feel strength in me, the power to draw people towards me. To get me what I want. Dangerous. Yes.
How would i like my boyfriend to be? Gentle, kind, sweet. My age, or a little older. My height, or a little taller. And yes, handsome 🙂 I got a list of names, but there are many more people whose name I don’t know. And of course I got dreams. I just move another picture of a face on my boyfriend. I give him another name. Easy. It’s hard to make me not do that. Might even be impossible.
So, here I am. Not entirely sure which way is the best. The only way forward I see is to follow my own heart. Which is a bit scary, truth be told. But i think i can handle myself. Finally.
I like this piece. I am following my own heart. It is scary. I wrote this almost seven years ago. A lot has happened in those years. Now i do not live in my old house anymore. I do feel sad over that. But it is alright.
I do hope i will get myself out of this hole. By writing and drawing, publishing it on this website. I realize i got myself into this hole, and i can only get myself out of it with my own work. And, truthfully, a bit soon preferably.
I have been thinking about not wanting anything over the years. Difficult. Impossible it seems to me at times. Conflicting thoughts run through my mind occasionally. What do i want? Money? Freedom? The world? Fame?
Almost impossible it seems to me. And, do i really want any of those things? I’m still not sure.
I would like to sing with more confidence. It does seem to me i’m getting closer to sounding like myself more. But still on my own most of the time. Expressing myself more clearly. Yes. But still scared. Aah. Not being scared of other people. Simply being myself, expressing myself, smiling, being happy. Singing, dancing. And sometimes being quiet, looking out at the world, thinking about the world. That is something i want. Being myself, not hiding anymore, like i have done for so many times for so many years.
It’s a bit like the story of The Matrix. Am i able to find the trust, the strength within myself to see through all the bullshit going on in the world. Will i be able to find the freedom to look outwards and see all the lies floating around. To uncover the truth plainly on top, but so hard to see.
Or am i just making this up? Is this world simply the way it is. Slowly growing from one phase to the other with no possible way to stop it. And what does this corona-thing really mean?
I have no idea.
Today i watched a part of the House of Representatives debate about the records of meetings from the Dutch cabinet in 2019 publicized last week. I am in two minds about this. A a part of me thinks this is a good process, members of the House talking about these diffuse messages from the cabinet, trying to make up their minds. Another part of me is a bit cynical, doubting the members of the cabinet and their aim for truth. Well, to be honest, i doubt many people’s aim for truth, especially all politicians. Trained in the theater and public debates of politics. I prefer to be with people i trust. Mostly people from the garden.
Some things members said in the debate made me think of my own situation. The people being set back as fraudsters. The people targeted by the tax authorities. The people the Dutch government should be taking better care of.
For me, that is exactly what i do not want. If anything, i would like to get away from this, not being taken care of, not being interviewed on television with tears in my eyes, lamenting my own sorrow. Right now, i still live of the money i made with selling my house. For another ten months or so. I do sometimes think of what sort of work i would like to do, would fit in my life. Writing a column maybe. Drawing. Singing. Making a short movie. All things i would love to do. Maybe i am too old? I don’t think so. That is not my world, with everybody young and pretty and lovely.
I don’t know where this feeling i have comes from. I am growing, developing, growing up. I still have some things to do, i’m sure. This feeling of everything going right. Nothing in my world points to that. I have no friends who encourage me in this feeling. It is not something i think of every minute. But i do almost every day. But yes, not there yet.
I still need to grow up more.