Author Archives for Ellen

Aah forgotten!

I just was lying in my bed, my mind still a bit messy. Thinking about my drawings, about dinner this Sunday, what i need to buy, when i want to buy it all. And then i realized. Gasp! I had forgotten today’s post! Damn.

So here i am sitting behind my computer and writing this post. Simply forgotten. I know i thought about it yesterday. I cooked a chicken liver pate yesterday. It is for the dinner party. But i had forgotten to make photo’s while i was making it. I also made cream and butter truffles. Which i know won’t make it untill dinner. They are lovely.

I also thought about the pudding. The vegan trifle is a go. But i am changing my mind about the other pudding for the vegetarians and everything eaters. I’m thinking chocolate mouse is a better idea. Easier to make. And it is really lovely. With some whipped cream. Hmmm 🙂

So my mind is full. The post is only an hour late. I don’t think anyone will notice it. But still. I do apologize.

Salute!

Published on January 8, 2020 at 6:56 by

The price

Today i put some more old books in the give away cupboard. I walked to the market and bought a cauliflower and fresh garlic. I plan to make some cauliflower rice recipes.

I bought a kroket and sat down and ate it in front of the library. Watching the people walking by. So many people hide the way they feel. A man sat down a few metres away from me. He started singing. I enjoyed that. It was too far away to hear the song he was singing. When i walked away i could hear a siren of a police car and a ambulance coming closer. It made me feel creepy. Like the world was gonna blow up any minute.

Now i’m home. I’ve been watching some youtube videos. Drank a cup of tea with a currant and coconut bun.

My mind is full of fantasies, of dreams, of hopes and wishes. I know it is most likely none of these will ever happen. But still. You never know. I am thinking of one other thing. What will it cost me? What is the price i need to pay? For something most people just get when they are young and don’t know what to wish for. Something which most people will leave behind like it is nothing.

A boyfriend. Someone to love. Someone to chat with. Cuddle with. Laugh with. Spend hours cooking for. Spend lying on the couch together reading a book. Listening to music. Talk about the world with. A true friend. I hope anyway 🙂

I still need to learn. Get to know the world. The people.

Never give up hope. Never.

Two more posts this year. After Friday i will take a two week break. In 2020 i will be back.

Enjoy the Christmas days if you celebrate them. Enjoy the New Year’s Eve!

Salute!

Published on December 18, 2019 at 6:00 by

The Gentle

57. Sun / The Gentle (The Penetrating, Wind)

above SUN THE GENTLE, WIND, WOOD
below SUN THE GENTLE, WIND, WOOD

Sun is one of the eight doubled trigrams. It is the eldest daughter and symbolizes wind or wood; it has for its attribute gentleness, which nonetheless penetrates like the wind or like growing wood with its roots.
The dark principle, in itself rigid and immovable, is dissolved by the penetrating light principle, to which it subordinates itself in gentleness. In nature, it is the wind that disperses the gathered clouds, leaving the sky clear and serene. In human life it is penetrating clarity of judgment that thwarts all dark hidden motives. In the life of the community it is the powerful influence of a great personality that uncovers and breaks up those intrigues which shun the light of day.

THE JUDGMENT

THE GENTLE. Success through what is small.
It furthers one to have somewhere to go.
It furthers one to see the great man.

Penetration produces gradual and inconspicuous effects. It should be effected not by an act of violation but by influence that never lapses. Results of this kind are less striking to the eye than those won by surprise attack, but they are more enduring and more complete. If one would produce such effects, one must have a clearly defined goal, for only when the penetrating influence works always in the same direction can the object be attained. Small strength can achieve its purpose only by subordinating itself to an eminent man who is capable of creating order.

THE IMAGE

Winds following one upon the other:
The image of THE GENTLY PENETRATING.
Thus the superior man
Spreads his commands abroad
And carries out his undertakings.

The penetrating quality of the wind depends upon its ceaselessness. This is what makes it so powerful; time is its instrument. In the same way the ruler’s thought should penetrate the soul of the people. This too requires a lasting influence brought about by enlightenment and command. Only when the command has been assimilated by the people is action in accordance with it possible. Action without preparation of the ground only frightens and repels.

THE LINES
Nine in the second place means:
Penetration under the bed.
Priests and magicians are used in great number.
Good fortune. No blame.

At times one has to deal with hidden enemies, intangible influences that slink into dark corners and from this hiding affect people by suggestion. In instances like this, it is necessary to trace these things back to the most secret recesses, in order to determine the nature of the influences to be dealt with. This is the task of the priests; removing the influences is the task of the magicians. The very anonymity of such plotting requires an especially vigorous and indefatigable effort, but this is well worth while. For when such elusive influences are brought into the light and branded, they lose their power over people.

Nine at the top means:
Penetration under the bed.
He loses his property and his ax.
Perseverance brings misfortune.

A man’s understanding is sufficiently penetrating. He follows up injurious influences into the most secret corners. But he no longer has the strength to combat them decisively. In this case any attempt to penetrate into the personal domain of darkness would only bring harm.

39. Chien / Obstruction

above K’AN THE ABYSMAL, WATER
below KêN KEEPING STILL, MOUNTAIN

The hexagram pictures a dangerous abyss lying before us and a steep, inaccessible mountain rising behind us. We are surrounded by obstacles; at the same time, since the mountain has the attribute of keeping still, there is
implicit a hint as to how we can extricate ourselves. The hexagram represents obstructions that appear in the course of time but that can and should be overcome. Therefore all the instruction given is directed to overcoming them.

THE JUDGMENT

OBSTRUCTION. The southwest furthers.
The northeast does not further.
It furthers one to see the great man.
Perseverance brings good fortune.

The southwest is the region of retreat, the northeast that of advance. Here an individual is confronted by obstacles that cannot be overcome directly. In such a situation it is wise to pause in view of the danger and to retreat. However, this is merely a preparation for overcoming the obstructions. One must join forces with friends of like mind and put himself under the leadership of a man equal to the situation: then one will succeed in removing the obstacles. This requires the will to persevere just when one apparently must do something that leads away from his goal. This unswerving inner purpose brings good fortune in the end. An obstruction that lasts only for a time is useful for self-development. This is the value of adversity.

THE IMAGE

Water on the mountain:
The image of OBSTRUCTION.
Thus the superior man turns his attention to himself
And molds his character.

Difficulties and obstructions throw a man back upon himself. While the inferior man seeks to put the blame on other persons, bewailing his fate, the superior man seeks the error within himself, and through this introspection the external obstacle becomes for him an occasion for inner enrichment and education.

Published on December 17, 2019 at 6:00 by

Strong enough

That sledgehammer moment, more than five years ago, is still clear to me. That moment which shook my up, made me shiver, made me fall in love. Not with somebody i know, no. It is not the most important aspect of it to me. I have fallen in love with one or two other people since then. But only fleetingly. For like a week or two. Getting it over with quickly.

Working in the garden has taught me so much. About plants, about the schedule, about the compost, about the seeding, the harvesting. About the people too. Some of them i like as my friends. But it is all fleeting. Almost transparent.

I had a talk with a friend a couple of months ago. He told me i was not thinking straight. Delusional almost. He told me i was thinking that i was going to be saved through my website. He told me to give it up. A fantasy. Not real. I kept thinking about that talk for a long time. I remember crying. I remember at the end of the talk saying i am a woman. I am still not sure what to think of that talk.

I am feeling extremely determined. I am not budging. I feel almost like growling. I am not going along with all this. I am not agreeing. No no no no. I can see how i used to do this. Trying to find a place for myself. A place where i can feel happy. Feel loved. Feel free.

I still haven’t found it.

I know. Of course. The only possible place is with me. To find strength in myself. Power. Resistance. Intelligence.

Difficult. I do want to cave in at times. Simply keep on living, with not too much effort. Hide in the masses. Not being visible. Not being seen.

So i find myself here at the end of times. I do feel stronger. I just hope i’m strong enough. For what is coming. Of which i am not sure.

I only have hopes and fantasies and dreams guiding me. Most will not come true.

I have found myself. So happy i did.

Published on December 13, 2019 at 6:00 by