Author Archives for Ellen


I was sixteen years old. Together with my mother i went to our family doctor. My period was giving me cramps. I had met someone while i was on holidays. You never knew when it would happen, so birth control was a good option. It was 1980.

I got the pill. No need to add anything, everybody knew what it was. The pill. Not that i talked about it with other people. It just made sense that i had one. It was normal. And yes, my period didn’t give me anymore cramps.

That someone i had met fizzled away. There was a guy in school i fell in love with. We kissed a bit. But no sex. And when i went to the Technical University Delft nothing much changed. I made friends. There was one beautiful guy who i only looked at from a distance. And i kept on taking the pill. You never knew what would happen. I thought of myself as an average girl. It was bound to happen one day.

I moved into my own house when i was twenty-one. In Rotterdam. After a few months i started thinking: why take a pill each and every day for a pain i had only once a month? Yes, it was birth control, but i wasn’t having any sex. So after a few months i stopped with the pill. The cramps were not that bad really.

I had sex with someone when i was twenty-eight. We used condoms. The last time we had sex, the condom tore. So i took the morning-after pill. The one and only time i ever did.

Once we broke up, i remember thinking that i would be a bit more careful the next time. That i wanted to be in love the next time. Completely.

One time after that i did fell in love with someone else. He didn’t fall in love with me.

It all seems like such a long time ago. Only for around six years i used contraception. Because it was normal. The thing you do. Like, you wouldn’t want to get pregnant, right?

I still feel very happy i decided against continuing with the pill when i was in my early twenties. I don’t think i should ever have taken the pill for my cramps. There are other less invasive medicines i could have used for that.

As fot the literature about the pill, i haven’t dived into that. There are many sources online, a quick search will do. Or simply start with reading the wikipedia article about birth control.

Published on August 6, 2019 at 6:00 by


I am not a scientist. I can only speak for myself. What i think is worthwhile to do and to strive for. Most of these things have to do with minimizing my ecological footprint. Difficult because i live in western Europe in one of the wealthiest countries in the world. I am surrounded by a neo-liberalist world. It is hard to find a good starting point from where to think.

As i said, i am not a scientist. But i can think and read and talk about things. About our world. So i will in the next few weeks.

Not right now though. Writing takes time and thought. It is hard work. For now i’m happy i have decided this is one of the areas i will dive into more.

Have a good weekend. Salute!

Published on August 2, 2019 at 6:00 by

Mending some clothes

Only while i was mending this shirt i thought of making a post about it. So no before photo. i do love this shirt. I think i might have it for around fifteen years or so. So yes, definitely worth the mend.
This dress from Joline Jolink is also a favourite. I have for it four or five years i think. There is a little hole in it.
And now it is fixed!
This legging from the Hema has a big hole near the crotch.
On both sides. This side the hole is a bit smaller.
Done ...
... and done! 🙂
Afterwards i went out and had a Turkish pizza. I walked through the city and sat down for a while. Lovely weather. All summery 🙂
Published on July 30, 2019 at 6:00 by

A bit off

The past week has been the warmest week in the Netherlands since humans started recording the temperature. I have kept quiet. It was so hot. And yes, i’ve been a bit off. Dizzy. Whenever i turned in bed, whenever i stood up i felt dizzy. And today i felt sick. Not extremely no. But when i was at the garden, after two three hours i decided to go home. Missing the Pot Luck.

So, i’m passing for today’s post. This is it. I will most likely watch tonight’s Zomergasten to see if there is anything interesting broadcasted. And i will go to bed in time. I feel tired.

Tomorrow, hopefully, i feel a lot better!

Published on July 29, 2019 at 6:00 by

Thinking out loud

Two weeks ago i woke up in the middle of the night. I sat up straight in my bed. Thoughts were running through my head. I could hear them loud and clear.

I forgot. Of course. But i know what surrounded this night. The evening before i started reading the book Staat van Verwarring written by Ad Verbrugge. A book wherein erotic love between a man and a woman stands in the middle. A book wherein surrendering is almost impossible in our current atomized postmodern time.

I don’t know if i can surrender. Or want to? I do dream about it. It is a steady background fantasy in my life. So on the one hand yes, of course i want this. In a perfect situation, with the perfect man, i would love that this would happen to me. It doesn’t mean i want to be loved and cherished and worshiped. I want a friend. A true friend. Someone i can take care of. Someone to laugh with. Talk with about anything. Cook for. Cuddle with. And yes, have sex with. I’d love that. Truly.

But right now, i have some other things on my mind. Like those words in my mind two weeks ago. The words i forgot. Which i hope will come back to me eventually. There is something in my mind which needs to get out, desperately. After that, well, that is for another time. For now, i need to make more effort to try and say what i really want to say in as clear a voice as i can have.

Enjoy the weekend. Salute!

Published on July 26, 2019 at 6:00 by

The Arousing

I thought about growing the I ching coins yesterday, but in stead i decided to make a drawing. Today i did throw. I have this fantasy of throwing all sixes which gives The Creative turning into The Receptive. A small fantasy. Maybe when i am a lot older. No, this time i got 51 The Arousing. I like this one. I like it that it is a single sign. I also feel it is fitting to my current situation.

I know i should be looking for a new house, looking for work, looking for something to earn a living with. But no, i want to keep on working. I still believe in myself. Fully. But it is getting tight. I can feel my own doubts gnawing at my determination. It is scary.

So yes, i need to get myself in action. Over the next few weeks. I do think i have made my preparations.


51. Chên / The Arousing (Shock, Thunder)


The hexagram Chên represents the eldest son, who seizes rule with energy and power. A yang line develops below two yin lines and presses upward forcibly. This movement is so violent that it arouses terror. It is symbolized by thunder, which bursts forth from the earth and by its shock causes fear and trembling.


SHOCK brings success.
Shock comes-oh, oh!
Laughing words -ha, ha!
The shock terrifies for a hundred miles,
And he does not let fall the sacrificial spoon and chalice.

The shock that comes from the manifestation of God within the depths of the earth makes man afraid, but this fear of God is good, for joy and merriment can follow upon it.
When a man has learned within his heart what fear and trembling mean, he is safeguarded against any terror produced by outside influences. Let the thunder roll and spread terror a hundred miles around: he remains so composed and reverent in spirit that the sacrificial rite is not interrupted. This is the spirit that must animate leaders and rulers of men-a profound inner seriousness from which all terrors glance off harmlessly.


Thunder repeated: the image of SHOCK.
Thus in fear and trembling
The superior man sets his life in order
And examines himself.

The shock of continuing thunder brings fear and trembling. The superior man is always filled with reverence at the manifestation of God; he sets his life in order and searches his heart, lest it harbor any secret opposition to the will of God. Thus reverence is the foundation of true culture.

Published on July 24, 2019 at 6:00 by