Author Archives for Ellen


These are strange times. As i said in an earlier post, if i get sick, if i die, so be it. I hope not, but it is not in my hands. My life continues. No work, no public transport, no kids. We are not required to stay in our house the whole day here in the Netherlands, so i make walks. The garden work continues, with smaller groups.

I’m steering my life. It is a bit like the end of Thelma & Louise, driving the car of the cliff into the depths of the afterlife. Still giving direction, just not sure where i’m headed for. Apart from love of course. But i don’t know if that is in the cards for me. I simply don’t know.

I do know i need to let go of some many things. So many feelings. So many desires. So many wants.

I try to live my life as good as i can. I try to make the best of it, my own way. I try to really think about things. I try not to accept what other people say too easily. I still feel happy with this.

I hope i get somewhere. I hope i get out of this nowhere land i’m in now.

Enjoy the weekend. Love 🙂

Published on March 20, 2020 at 6:00 by

Not sure what to say

Thinking. Working. Drinking coffee. Watching television. Drinking tea. Eating sauerkraut soup. A bit of pasta. Walking slowly. Watching at all the houses. Smiling at people passing by.

Still not sure what to say.


Published on March 18, 2020 at 6:00 by

Clearing up the cupboard

I have no before photo i’m sorry to say. Tomorrow i will go back and clear out the other cupboards. Will do some more cleaning as well. Good work to do. Lovely weather. 🙂

Published on March 17, 2020 at 6:00 by


A few weeks ago we made jokes about it. A friend was a bit careful and didn’t shake our hands, four or five weeks ago. We laughed. We didn’t take it seriously. It would pass over us. We didn’t think.

Earlier this week i had a talk with friends. Two of them worked/works in healthcare. We talked about the amount of deaths needed for people to start panicking. Ten thousand, one person said. That means two hundred and fifty thousand people affected by the corona virus. We are not there yet, but things move really fast. Exponentially.

In an old middle eastern story someone asked for a reward. One piece of rice on the first square on a chessboard. Two pieces on the second square. Four pieces on the third. Eight on the fourth. Sixteen on the fifth. Easy, the king thought. But on the twenty first square over a million grains were requested, a trillion on the 41st. For the final squares there wasn’t enough rice in the world.

I went out for lunch. I met Vincent along the way. We talked a bit about the threat. We bumped our elbows. After lunch i walked past the Pompenburg Park and said hi to the people working there. When i got home i walked into a live broadcast of the government announcing more rues and regulations.

  • events with over a hundred people are canceled
  • where ever possible people need to work from home
  • people with a fever and complains of aches in the lungs need to stay at home
  • schools stay open in the meantime

The Rotterdam Marathon on 5 April is canceled. Going through the liveblog on many sport events are postponed or canceled.

On Twitter Jason Van Schoor said the following things:

Please follow the link above to twitter to see the subsequent tweets.

A post on medium tells us the following:

The coronavirus is coming to you.
It’s coming at an exponential speed: gradually, and then suddenly.
It’s a matter of days. Maybe a week or two.
When it does, your healthcare system will be overwhelmed.
Your fellow citizens will be treated in the hallways.
Exhausted healthcare workers will break down. Some will die.
They will have to decide which patient gets the oxygen and which one dies.
The only way to prevent this is social distancing today. Not tomorrow. Today.
That means keeping as many people home as possible, starting now.

Right now i feel worried. I don’t worry that much about myself. If i get ill, there is still a chance it will be the mild version. If i die, i die. I think it will be a shame, as my life is still full of possibilities and options. But if it happens, there is nothing i can do about this.

We will get through this. For sure.

Published on March 13, 2020 at 6:00 by


It feels like i don’t have much time. Which is false, of course. I have all the time in the world. To live my own life. To prepare for what is to come. To do the things i love to do. To speak up. To fall in love.

I’m still not in love. I do meet men who i like, who i find attractive. But who tell me they are terrible. Who do not fall in love with me. Who do not give me a chance. While this is the only thing i really really want. Apart from saving the world. I think in one way i’m too young. Too inexperienced. Almost.

I am falling in and out of love faster. It doesn’t affect me as much as it used to. This is experience. This is a stronger sense of self. A better feeling, i’m happy to say. In the end we all do live our lives alone. It is the meeting of someone else which can lighten up your life, when you can feel each other and look each in the eyes and be there for one another. Loose each other and see each other once again.

So i am still dreaming. And thinking. And learning. Each and every day.

Published on March 11, 2020 at 6:00 by


I finished the book written by Margaret Atwood De Testamenten today. I enjoyed it. I did watch the series The Handmaid’s Tale for the first two seasons. I especially loved the first season.

I loved sitting on the couch and read the time away. I did have a tentative plan to go out and bring the compost away and do some shopping, but tomorrow will do for that as well.

Published on March 10, 2020 at 6:00 by

LoveSick: The Question of Love

LoveSick: The Question of Love from NOWNESS on Vimeo.

In a world rife with consumerism, where online dating promises risk-free romance and love is all too often seen as a variant of desire and hedonism, France’s greatest living philosopher Alain Badiou believes that love urgently needs reinventing and defending.

I saw this video through

For the French philosopher Alain Badiou, romantic love is ‘the most powerful way known to humanity to have an intimate relationship with another’. Love, he believes, creates a state of dependence that is an important counterweight to modernity’s emphasis on individuality. In this short film from the UK director William Williamson, Badiou argues that today’s approach to relationships, with its consumerist tendency to focus on choice and compatibility, and the ingrained refrain to move on when things aren’t easy, means that we need a philosophical reckoning with how we think about love. To make his point very specific, Badiou points to the ever-growing prevalence of online dating services that claim to offer algorithmic matching of partners, a way of seeking love that, he thinks, drains love of one of its most vital qualities – chance.

Published on March 9, 2020 at 6:00 by