Author Archives for Ellen
It is hard to feel free. Independent. Not following the rules so many people feel are directing their lives. Free to laugh, to talk, to be angry, to fight for what is right. I am my own worst enemy.
I am still standing in one point, pivoting around. Not sure which way to move into. I think fantasies are holding me back, keeping me bolted here. I need to let go.
I hope i can get somewhere. I hope i can defeat myself. Give myself something worthwhile to do.
I feel confused. Not happy with the life i have here. Not sure of what i want. Standing still.
My apologies for this terrible confused post. Tomorrow i will feel better, hopefully.
I am a slow grower. In my early years i grew sort of average. But in my twenties it was clearer. I had sex with someone when i was twenty-eight years old. A bit late. After that short time of only two months of having a boyfriend i decided that the next time i would like to be really in love. Not that i didn’t enjoy that first friendship, but it didn’t feel like i was in love at the time.
Then I didn’t understand the concept of being in love. I am not even sure if i completely understand it right now. When i was younger it was a mixture of physical attraction and a feeling of admiration and adoration. I am not sure i can actually describe what it felt like at that time to feel in love.
My years of solitude, described in Eight years of silence, are still so important to me. A stop to my work on lfs.nl, a stop to seeing my old friends, a massive World of Warcraft playing addiction. No love in that time for me.
At the end of these eight years i did fell in love. It was completely imaginary. All in my head. It was physical too. But, not real. A safe escape from the more ordinary, daily reality of being in love with somebody who loves you back. Something i until this day have not experienced with somebody else.
The past years i did fall in love with men i met, mostly from the garden. But those were short time experiences, lasting only a few months at the longest. Nice men, yes. But it didn’t stick to me. I learned every time though.
So here i am, 56 years old for only a couple of weeks more. So many things i have not experienced. Never been truly in love in a happy relationship. I have never had children. Something i had to deal with.
But over the past five years i did grow on. I felt it. Sometimes i fell back, sometimes i stumbled. But i did grow. This past year, in which i lived in rooms in other people’s houses, was a learning experience.
This will not stop. Until i die that is. Every single day each person can learn something new, big or small.
I do hope one day i will meet someone i will fall in love with and who will fall in love with me. But that is not the story of my life. The story of my life is me struggling and trying and failing against all hope. For the past fifty-six years.
A present i got from my then best friend, this Lego miniature with a little girl and a glass and a cat and a stove and flowers and parasol in the back. So me. Then.
Over the past year i went to my house storage and brought more things there. This Lego present i kept. It is small of course. But it also means a lot to me. A gift from a good friend.
You might already know this little piece. Well, a bit of repetition doesn’t matter in my world. It is standing in front of the television these past weeks, visible while i watch some film. All the time.
It is gonna be cold. Freezing temperatures. The coldest days predicted are Tuesday and Wednesday next week, around -7ºC / -2ºC during the daytime. Snow is also predicted, Sunday especially there is a 90% chance on snow, and quite a lot of it. A good day for a walk to make photographs.
I am still happy with the post i wrote yesterday. It is hard to keep on my subject, i needed a break halfway to get my thoughts together. Apart from the first sentence i wrote the entire post yesterday.
Enjoy your weekend. Salute!