Author Archives for Ellen

Quiet work

A week ago i got the idea for a new drawing. I did start on a drawing in the house i just moved out of, but it wasn’t good enough. So that one is unfinished. This new idea made me really happy. Something with the world and many of the things that are going on.

I’m still at the start of it. I still need to think about it lots. I need peace and quiet around me, in me to get it done.

It will take me a couple of weeks, maybe even two months or so to get it finished. Hopefully.

I’m happy i have something to do, something to think about, something to work for.

Enjoy your weekend. Salute!

Published on June 19, 2020 at 6:00 by

A small harvest

The rosemary is growing fine
Lettuce, not yet bolted
A teensy bit of raspberries
Cherries
Radishes
Sunflowers, planted on Tuesday
Zinnias, planted on Tuesday
Onions
Potatoes
Published on June 17, 2020 at 6:00 by

A path of many windings

Life leads the thoughtful man on a path of many windings.
Now the course is checked, now it runs straight again.
Here winged thoughts may pour freely forth in words,
There the heavy burden of knowledge must be shut away in silence.
But when two people are at one in the inmost hearts,
They shatter even the strength of iron or of bronze.
And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts,
Their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids.

Confucius

Published on June 16, 2020 at 6:00 by

Exhausted

This afternoon i went out to do some shopping. I bought a sandwich at the butcher and walked to the garden and sat there eating, while i watched the others there working. It was nice.

But i also felt really tired.

I need a bit of time to rest, not worry, do the things i enjoy, read, play a game, garden and talk with friends. It is good i’m feeling this now, i was holding it back for quite some time. Temporary yes. Still, a time to recoup.

Enjoy the weekend. Salute!

Published on June 12, 2020 at 6:00 by

A month

Yesterday i moved into my new room, which i rented for the next month. Today i decided that in this month i will think about what i want, what direction i want to move into. Last week i said to Ted that it felt to me like i was on a large marshalling yard with all tracks linking to each, with no clear idea of the direction i want to take. Confusing. I want this to become clear. As clear as possible at least.

I admit, i do feel lonely. I feel sad about it. I can not run away from this feeling, i have to go through it. I need to solve this, and if not, learn to live with this and hopefully make the best of the rest of my life.

It feels to me that the past five years i have been trying to set myself free of constraints. Free of ideas i only half belief in, free of ideas other people have put in my mind without me thinking about them.

I know i live a dangerous life. I know i have chosen this for myself. It’s not a life i particularly like. It is full of worries. Unexpected events. Sudden twists and turns. But it is my life, my own choices, my own wishes, completely my own. I am not letting go. I am not giving in.

Of course i have desires. I have needs. I would love to have some friends, people i can trust, people i can talk with about anything. And i would love to have somebody real close to me, a true friend. To hug and kiss. Somebody i am still missing in my life.

I need to fix my life. Somehow.

Published on June 9, 2020 at 6:00 by

My final day in the house

Yesterday evening was my final evening in the house. I do feel a bit nervous, and this is just an in between stop. But for a month i do have a place to stay. I’ll be busy looking for another place.

Yesterday evening i asked Ted to lay the tarot for me once more.

The first card was the Fool. Being prepared to follow your calling. To lead the right road. Listen to your inner voice. Be foolish.

The card laid over it is the Queen of Swords. To judge clearly, intelligently, independent.

The final card is the High Priestess. Wisdom, intuition. Inner conflicts.

The cards in between show the Star, the World, the Empress. A desire for celebration, a feeling of being alone without sight and ability to move, a learning place. The helping card show a clear judgement, an ability to act and a clear view of the goal with everything pointing towards it.

I settle for that. 🙂

Published on June 8, 2020 at 6:00 by