Author Archives for Ellen

Market

A Harvest Market on the Peace Garden today. I sold the coffee, tea, lemonade, cakes and chocolate chip coookies. It felt busy. It wasn’t really, but with all the people we knew who came by it still felt busy. Tomorrow morning i’ll be going back to clean up, together with other people. For now, i’m tired. Really tired.

Salute!

Published on November 27, 2017 at 6:00 by

Contemplation

I was tired today. I played World of Warcraft. I watched Buffy, halfway the third season. I did some shopping. Got stuff for the cakes i will bake for Sunday. There is a small market then on the Peace Garden. Cakes and chocolate chip cookies. A talk with the real estate agent. Monday i will have my decision ready.

And this evening i feel so happy. Like, singing and dancing happy. Like, it is all easy. All decisions simply come. Easy.

And just yet i threw coins for the I Ching. Contemplation. With a changing line on the first and sixth place. With Difficulty at the Beginning as the final sign.

This does mean something to me. I do feel my life is aligned with something out there. With difficulty. It took me so long. To let it go.

Thank you.

THE JUDGMENT

CONTEMPLATION. The ablution has been made,
But not yet the offering.
Full of trust they look up to him.

The sacrificial ritual in China began with an ablution and a libation by which the Deity was invoked, after which the sacrifice was offered. The moment of time between these two ceremonies is the most sacred of all, the moment of deepest inner concentration. If piety is sincere and expressive of real faith, the contemplation of it has a transforming awe-spiring effect on those who witness it.
Thus also in nature a holy seriousness is to be seen in the fact that natural occurrences are uniformly subject to law. Contemplation of the divine meaning underlying the workings of the universe gives to the man who is called upon to influence others the means of producing like effects. This requires that power of inner concentration which religious contemplation develops in great men strong in faith. It enables them to apprehend the mysterious and divine laws of life, and by means of profoundest inner concentration they give expression to these laws in their own persons. Thus a hidden spiritual power emanates from them, influencing and dominating others without their being aware of how it happens.

THE IMAGE

The wind blows over the earth:
The image of CONTEMPLATION.
Thus the kings of old visited the regions of the world,
Contemplated the people,
And gave them instruction.

When the wind blows over the earth it goes far and wide, and the grass must bend to its power. These two occurrences find confirmation in the hexagram. The two images are used to symbolize a practice of the kings of old; in making regular journeys the ruler could, in the first place, survey his realm and make certain that none of the existing usages of the people escaped notice; in the second, he could exert influence through which such customs as were unsuitable could be changed.
All of this points to the power possessed by a superior personality. On the one hand, such a man will have a view of the real sentiments of the great mass of humanity and therefore cannot be deceived; on the other, he will impress the people so profoundly, by his mere existence and by the impact of his personality, that they will be swayed by him as the grass by the wind.

Published on November 24, 2017 at 6:00 by

Dreamworld

I’m not sure why i feel the way i do right now. I have said it the past days, a couple of times. I had this sledgehammer moment three years ago. Since then i feel i need to work. Work hard. On this website. Here.

I don’t earn any money through it. Not right now. Does this justify me selling my house? Wouldn’t it be much better to stay on living here, in the center of Rotterdam. Have a job besides it? For two or three days a week? What is so bad about that? Nothing. Right?

Still, i refuse. I keep on going. I did give in a week and a half ago. But i’m back. Why? Why am i not giving up? Why am i prepared to go all the way?

I am intelligent. My school reports are an early proof. I have also made countless stupid mistakes. It took me years to find a proper education after high school. And even art school wasn’t all i imagined. But, one of the best things i ever did was making things online. I enjoy the technology. I enjoyed the immediacy. One update and it is online. Great! Other than that, i was careful. But still, many mistakes.

I am honest. After the chess game i played this Monday, my opponent, who had won – of course – told me he liked my way of playing. An honest game, he told me. A true compliment. If i don’t feel any space to talk, i am usually quiet. Here on ellenpronk.com i can be blatantly honest. Sex being one of the examples of that. I do enjoy talking with people. People i don’t know, people i do know, friends, acquaintances. Most people talk about themselves. I don’t mind that. Everybody has a story to tell. And sometimes i do talk about myself. Of course.

I have perseverance. I don’t give up easily. Not when something really matters. Not that i know beforehand what i’m gonna do. Right now, fifty three years old, when i look back on my life, i can see it. I’m like a dog biting something it doesn’t want to let go. Grrrr. I can leave something aside for a while. For years. But to this day, i found a possibility to get back to it. When i gave my drawings to Green Gartside two years ago. I was so nervous. But prepared. The right dress. I had written about it a year before here in The world and the people. The one thing i did in my life which makes me so happy. It took me thirty years to get ready to do it. I don’t even know why this makes me so happy. I don’t know if he appreciates the drawings. I hope so. I truly do.

When i got back home after that, there was nobody asking me about it. I did feel a bit sad about that. It made me realize that i am still alone. I didn’t cry over it. But it was sobering. Only half a year after it i talked about it with a friend. I had posted the story to the scritti facebook group, people responded there. But it wasn’t the same as talking with friends about it.

I am single. Everyone is single. We try to forget. We work, eat, sleep. We talk, shop, look at facebook, smile at silly jokes. But we remain single. Always. Even in sex, the ultimate togetherness, we still stay single. If you are lucky, there is love. Tenderness. Whispered thoughts. Gazing in each other eyes. But we still remain single.

Together we have made this world. With all the people who have lived and left a footprint. This world as it is now. With fugitives, hunger, poverty, war, hurricanes. I am lucky. I live in western Europe, in one of the wealthiest countries in the world. The Netherlands.

I know many people trying to do good. Thinking about their lives, the stuff they use, they buy. Working in the garden, eating the veggies they let grow themselves. People playing chess, talking, thinking. Together.

I want to keep things simple. That is not a thought from me. I read that in the 80s in an interview with Scritti Politti. I thought about it then, it struck a chord. But i didn’t really get it. It is different now. When i look at the switch i made between lfs.nl and ellenpronk.com, i can see it. There was more freedom in lfs.nl, i cold pick any time of posting i wanted. Days of not posting, followed by days of posting. I am happy i found a proper ending for it. Even after eight years of silence. And the thrill of starting ellenpronk.com. A proper schedule, a wider set of content. The walks, looking back on my past, the cooking. It all fitted in there.

Simplicity. Trying to talk about my life, what drives me, what i see around me. As best as i can. As some people around me say, a diary. Sure.

To me it is far more than a diary. Some posts i write here are created here. I wouldn’t have these thoughts if i didn’t write my posts. This website creates me, as i do create this website.

My mum calls me up once or twice a week. The last months i always say the same thing to her. I’m good. Fine. Excellent even. It is true. I do feel good. Happy. Smiling. I don’t sleep very good, sure. But it is not because i’m worrying that much at night. No, i think about sex. Not sure where that is coming from, but hey, it is not a bad thing.

My life right now feels a lot more windy than before. Before, when i had regular work, when i didn’t need to worry about money, where i was having fun playing World of Warcraft, my life was quiet. Silent. Now it is a lot noisier.

This is my choice. It is dangerous. More things can go wrong. But with all the risks there are also chances things can go right.

The last months i fell down a couple of times. In the Tuin op de Hofbogen, on a wet day, the wooden board was so slippery i fell down. I was lying still for a short time. I had to gather my thoughts. But there was no blood, nothing too severe was hurt. The second time was when we were building the compost bin. The boards were set up, but not yet fixed. I bent over to get a waste bag. And a pallet fell over straight on my head. I felt a bit dizzy. I was a bit mixed up. No blood. Lucky. Yesterday i fell again. I was so careful, but at the end, walking home, i slipped. Still no major hurt. I don’t feel anything wrong with my body today. Lucky.

There are many different worlds. The world of sport. Of fashion. Of make-up. Of beauty. Of movies. Of music. Of literature. Of books. Of shopping. Of advertisement. Of politics. Of money.

Dreams are present everywhere. In songs. In books. Fantasy. Science fiction. Fiction. I am a good listener. I picked up many dreams in my life. They still are present. Not dreams i made up myself, dreams floating around in the world. Hard, impossible even to get rid of. Not that i really want to get rid of them. There is a huge amount of pleasure in dreaming away.

Still, i do need to go on with my life. Make some kind of decision. An action. I am not stupid.

Think think think Ellen. Turn and look. It is so close. Do not dream away now.

Published on November 23, 2017 at 6:00 by

Sweet Dreams

The song Sweet Dreams was released in 1983. I wasn’t a huge fan of the Eurythmics. Still, i know their songs as the fabric on which my life played in the early 80s. Still young.

This song has a very basic song structure. Lots of repetition. A clear message: everybody’s looking for something. And then of course: who am i to disagree?

I like the video clip. The cows make an excellent performance. Annie Lennox is a wonderful singer and performer.

Sweet Dreams – Eurythmics
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something

Hold your head up, keep your head up, movin’ on
Hold your head up, movin’ on, keep your head up, movin’ on
Hold your head up, movin’ on, keep your head up, movin’ on
Hold your head up, movin’ on, keep your head up

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

Hold your head up, keep your head up, movin’ on
Hold your head up, movin’ on, keep your head up, movin’ on
Hold your head up, movin’ on, keep your head up, movin’ on
Hold your head up, movin’ on, keep your head up

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something

Published on November 22, 2017 at 6:00 by

The beginning

So i let things get to me. Not minor things, big things. My house. My family. My friends. I stopped posting. First of all, because my hosting payment is up in a week and i can not pay it. Second, because right now there are a few things happening in my life which do take my full attention.

During the last week i did change my mind. First, because a friend offered to pay for my hosting. A big thank you! Huge relief. Second, because i’m not done yet. There are still things on my mind. Quite a few i expressed in the talks i had this week. All of them were difficult. Talks in which i tried to express my thoughts. Some talks went better than others. And all left me with many thoughts to think. To feel. To see. In some i expressed some of my deepest dreams. Which felt ludicrous once i expressed them. Like, feeling that is not true. Childish. I dealt with that years ago. From the start. Sure. But still.

Still.

I’m not sure why i continue with this. All common sense tells me it is time to find a way to make money. So maybe i can keep my house. Because i know it is a downhill path i’m treading on. Best thing is to keep my house, make a small income so i can pay my monthly costs and buy some food.

Still.

I am not done yet. There are still thoughts inside me which i need to write down. Dreams which i need to talk about. Childish they may seem, but they are my dreams. I simply can not stop now. Now, when the solution seems to me around the corner. I still am not sure what this will read like, look like, sound like exactly. But it is so close. So terribly close.

So against all advice, i will keep on trying to show something here. Against all odds, i will keep on going.

Today, Sunday, i saw a double rainbow in the sky.
Today, the people in the garden worked hard.
On the herbal spiral.
On filling up the dug out paths with wood chips.
On painting the shed.
On harvesting.

And i played ball with a young boy. Charming. 🙂

Salute!

Published on November 20, 2017 at 6:00 by