Author Archives for Ellen

Temptation

I spend today walking from shop to shop. I bought two bigger steel brushes and two smaller brass brushes to clean the garden tools in both the Vredestuin and the Vredestuin Noord. I went in several supermarkets looking for wooden nail brushes for Daniël. I finally found them in the Jumbo, the last supermarket i went to. Ninety-one cents. Yay!

I did think about what i wrote yesterday. A part of me stands behind it. Another part thinks it is a bit too neat, a bit too clean. Which is what i am not. Clean i mean. It is so easy to let myself be drawn in by the words i use. They tell their own story.

But i do feel i need to fight. Stand up for myself. Be quiet when i need to be. Talk when i feel i need to say something. Say what i feel. Clearly.

Enjoy your weekend. See you next week!

Published on November 29, 2019 at 6:00 by

Mixed and opposite

The last few days have been intense.

Sometimes i feel so happy. Sometimes i have tears in my eyes, so sad. Sometimes i feel confused, not sure what to feel. Sometimes i feel angry, grrrrr. Sometimes i feel worried. Sometimes i feel scared. Sometimes i feel sexy, longing for somebody. Sometimes i feel quiet. Sometimes not.

I have said it at times, i am my own worst enemy. So true. I don’t think i really understood what i was saying. It is getting clearer now. My own worst enemy. I am holding myself back. I am trying to fit in. I am trying to build a life for myself. Still.

Today while i was walking to the garden and afterwards walking back home, i realized. I have to let it go. I am almost there. Almost at the cusp. Ellen, let it go. Please. Up until now i am kidding myself. Trying to make myself smaller, more insignificant. Do not look at me. Do not see me. I am not here. Scared. Hiding.

I want to live the best life i can imagine. I want to be rich in experience. I want to share my thoughts and my feelings. With everybody. I want to love and be loved. With someone.

Trust yourself Ellen. You can do it.

Published on November 28, 2019 at 6:00 by

A walk outside

After lunch i went outside for a short walk. First i walked to the library to return the books i had. None were to my liking really. Yesterday i had bought a new book from Philip Pullman, The Secret Commonwealth the second novel in The Book of Dust trilogy. I try to take my time reading this book. I’m happy to see Lyra back as the main person in a novel.

I ate a bit too much. At home i had warmed up the vegetable and meatball soup i had made last Saturday. At the market i bought a croquette. Then another one. Then a cheese bun at the HEMA. As i said, a bit too much.

My handbag is broken again. While i was walking it fell to the ground. Last week i bought strong black thread especially for my handbag. Will try and mend it extra extra good!

It is a gray day. Not too cold. A light drizzle started to fall down while i was walking. But it is fine. I love to read my new book. Going back into it now.

Salute!

Published on November 27, 2019 at 6:00 by

A good day in the garden and a lovely pot luck!

The title says it all. Yesterday i made some soup with celeriac and cauliflower and leeks and onions and cavolo nero and chard and the little hot peppers from the garden. Then of course meatballs! Because i wasn’t thinking of today and the pot luck. I did bring the soup though, and some non-vegetarian people liked it. I liked it too!

So that is it for now. Going to bed, watching Expedition Robinson. A guilty pleasure. No way in the world i would ever join it myself. Not that i will be asked of course. See you tomorrow. I hope you have a good day today. Salute!

Published on November 25, 2019 at 6:00 by

Choices

Last week i had a talk with a friend. She told me some things don’t register until they happen. You may know they will happen. But only when you are in the midst of it you can think and act on it. That is similar to how i feel right now. Two years ago i sold my house. I knew then i could only live in it for two more years. I knew time would move fast. But still, it feels like it is not real. It feels like it won’t happen. But it will.

I have talked about it here on ellenpronk.com, my sledgehammer moment. Five years ago, i felt like i was hit. Hit hard.

WAKE UP! WORK! WORK HARD!

I started working on my website again. Then lfs.nl. Now ellenpronk.com. My work. My thoughts, my photographs, my walks, my work in the garden, my homemade skincare. Five updates a week. I never missed one. My work.

Crazy. Foolish. Giving up everything i have. Selling my house. Giving up paid work. Insane. Strange. This world we live in wants you to work, make your own money, pay for your own living. It is senseless to fight it. This is the way the world functions. Stupid woman. Stupid stupid woman.

That is me talking to myself. Sometimes I do cave in. The pressure i sometimes feel is too big. There is a reason i gave myself two years of living in my old home with enough money to not worry about anything. A time-out. Free space. A sabbatical. Time to think about me and this world. This time is rapidly coming to an end. I do hope i am finding the courage to continue living my life the way i want and let my voice be heard in a clear manner.

This is a difficult time. I am aware that every single thing i do has unexpected ramifications. It is so easy to stick to the easy ways. To stay safe. Secure. Protected. Not what i want. Absolutely not. Yes, i am scared. But until now i will not let that prevent me from growing and learning and enjoying life. With friends. Smiling at the people i meet on the streets. Smiling at the children i see on the streets. Happy.

Every single day everybody makes choices. This way or that way. Go with the flow. Go against the flow. Make it easy. Make it hard. Talk. Be quiet. Most choices are not conscious. You do not think about them. And so we all live in this world with its history and its ways and customs and its future. Most people go with the flow. Some people fall out.

This is it. This is the way of the world.

Is it?

I am sitting here behind my computer with tears in my eyes. I don’t have any answers. I do have lots of questions. About what people do and say all over the world. About what the future could bring. About what has shaped the world to be as it is today. About globalization, the internet, money, business, the rainforest, Europe, Brexit, Trump.

It is difficult to keep myself together. My mind is full of thoughts and images and sounds. I watch youtube, television, movies. I read. I listen to music. I dance. I sing. I work in the garden. I am not letting it go. I am not caving in. I am not admitting defeat. I am standing still. I am trying to keep my peace, look outside and figure out what is there.

We all live on this world together. Right here, right now. On this seemingly little insignificant pinpoint of a planet falling through the universe.

We all make choices every single day, every single moment. I have made so many mistakes, so many wrong turns. The main mistake is the absence of choice. Simply let the society you live in make a decision for you. Do this. Do that. Live like this. Or like that. Do whatever comes in our mind. Listen to us. We know better.

I stand still. Not sure which way to go. Trying to find a clear thought. Trying to make sense of it all.

I am of course mad as hell. Livid. Furious, deep down, below the surface of a gentle woman.

I hope, i trust i can make some right choices in the nearby future.

Published on November 22, 2019 at 6:00 by

Preparation

At the end of this year i will have a dinner party at my house. A cooling down party as a friend called it. Right now i’m going through my cookery books and asking for prices of geese. I already made a playlist on Spotify for it, which i enjoy playing right now. Looking forward to it!

Published on November 20, 2019 at 6:00 by

Radboud Reflects

The Youtube channel of Radboud Reflects. Academic lectures on philosophy, religion, ethics, society and culture. Most lectures are in Dutch, some are in English. I’ve discovered this channel a couple of months ago and subscribed. I enjoy watching and listening to the lectures. Below i list the lectures i have watched myself. Still have a whole library to wander through.

Published on November 19, 2019 at 6:00 by