Author Archives for Ellen
Today i went to the storage company where i rent 15 cubik meters to put away some more things: my pillow, some clothes i do not wear, my drawings things, my English Dutch dictionary, a book from Kate Raworth. Still room for those things. I went on my bike, but i did step of for a short time. I got a bit tired.
I found myself in this landscape with cars and a highway and stop signs. Lots of cars. Not my world really. Still, cars have their uses.
I was thinking about this post, the follow up to Stubborn and Patience. This word came up in my mind: Determination. Something which i feel even more than being stubborn and being patient. The wolf i drew a couple of weeks ago shows that to me. I can feel this growl inside of me. Grrrr. I don’t think people around me are very aware of this. I am on the whole quite nice, friendly, open. Not wolf like at all. But yes, i feel this inside me. Not giving up, not letting go, having my teeth in a piece and growling.
I do hope things will turn out good for me. I do hope i will not sleep on the streets, out in the open. I do hope i will find friends. And i do hope i will find someone to love and share my life with. But until then i want to live my life as i see fit. And actually, after that too!
My post yesterday came from the bottom of my heart. This one is from even deeper: patience.
I try to live in the moment as much as possible. This year to me seems like the longest year ever in my life. Which to me is a good thing. Mainly because i do move a lot. I have been living shorter in the rooms i have been renting. I started out in the beginning with living four months, then three months, then a month each time in a room. The one before this one was only a week. This does make it feel longer.
Patience. So important. I don’t always have it, i confess. And yes, at times i am inpatient. But on the whole i do keep up, i do trust myself to do the right thing at the right time. Hopefully!
I am stubborn. This is not something that comes out easily. I am not even sure friends realize i am this stubborn. They might, considering how i am living right now. Hopping from place to place. Staying cheerful usually. Not always of course.
I do want to lead my own life, face the consequences of my own actions. In this world. This stupid world.
I do not know what the future will bring to me. I have only my dreams, wishes, desires. And i have my life as it is right now. Hopping from room to room, talking with people about so many things: sex, the world, corona, gardening. I don’t know where this is headed to. I do wish though. Meeting people who i can genuinely call my friends. Living in a house with a garden and a large kitchen, in which i can cook meals for the people around me. Leading a life which is worth living. Talking to so many people all around the world about the current state, about how we want the world to be, want it to become. Living a life true to myself. Fighting.
Not this nasty little world with its nasty little rules and its nasty little people keeping me down and keeping me locked up inside. No!
Feeling a bit grumpy today. I did go to the garden this afternoon. It was quite busy. It did fall to me to try to spread everybody out and divide the jobs in a good way. I must say, a day like this made me feel happy i do not do this work the whole time. Very tiresome. Once in a while is good though.
I will move to a new room next week. I decided that today. Happy with that. Loosing the grumpiness a bit now.
Wednesday morning i worked on a new video page for ellenpronk.com. I spend most of the time crying. Not out of sadness, no, more out of emotion. It has been a while since i have seen this videos, and they really touched me. I remember filming them with my iPhone or camera, editing them, combining them with the music i had chosen for each. I see the growth in each one of them. Happy i am working on these pages. Good i see the possibility to make the content of this website a bit more open.
Over the past months during talks in the gardens i mentioned an article posted in the Guardian: Architects hope to tear down garden fences of England’s future homes. Architects searching for a new way to have a garden, away from the private ones going to communal gardens.
Patrick Usborne, the director of Perpendicular, which oversaw another winning entry using wood panels made from British-only timber, said: “There’s an English perception that owning your castle needs its own land. But if we are to improve community cohesion we need to remove the ubiquitous rear garden and bring together external spaces for the community.”
This idea speaks to me. While i sit in my room i watch outside and see the small private gardens with the hedges and little grassy areas and small sheds. What if this was a communal area with an area for children to play in, a few vegetable beds for growing your own tomatoes, beans and cabbage, an area where you can barbecue with friends or family, a few flower areas with benches where you can sit on your own and read a book.
Even in this article the forces opposing this new direction are strong.
But entrants fear their designs will be resisted by builders determined to stick with existing blueprints for homes. Volume housebuilders are poised to erect hundreds of thousands of new homes to their standard designs on greenfield sites under planning changes announced earlier this month.
I think in the Netherlands there are already new ideas being developed. But most of the houses built are of the same blueprint. What if you want a shared garden space, a house with separate rooms for people living by themselves, houses for families with young children, smaller houses for older people. What if you want to use an app to reserve space in the garden for a certain day. What if you want to share the space outside with other people, and not have your own little tiled house extension.
I love this idea. Hopefully this will be put to good use in the near future.