Author Archives for Ellen

Desire

There are so many things i long for. Fame, fortune, appreciation, friends, love, sex. Most of these things to me are silly.

Fame? What is the use of that? Well, i can imagine a couple of uses. Having people’s attention. All the people. So i can talk about the things which are important to me. Gardening, food, the world, what we should do and not do to make it a better world. But in itself, fame is not that important. Not that i ever really wanted it. It is just, of lately i can see some more uses of it. Practical things, you know.

Fortune? I need a bit of fortune, of course. But with a lot of money i could actually buy stuff. Ground, in cities, to make gardens. Mines, and give them to the people working there. For example. For which i need billions. Well, i don’t know how my life will continue. Maybe, maybe not. No idea. And all these ideas i have could change.

Appreciation. I have a bit. From friends. I’m happy with that. I hope somewhere in the future lies my best work. With films of course. Video clips.

Friends? I have friends. Not very close, not as close as i want, but still. I have many people around me i like and who like me. Most from the garden. I would like some close friends. But i can live without for now. A bit. 🙂

Love? Aah…. a big one. The big one. This is what my heart longs for. Deeply. Completely. I never had this. Never. Only the one person who i had sex with. Some i fell in love with, but eventually grew out of love with. Yeah, this is what i dream of. Long for. Desperately want. With the whole of my heart. It won’t last of course. The love itself. When you grow older. When you die. It will disappear. I think about that. Falling in love with someone, grow old, and stay alone after he dies.

Sex? The past four years have been more sexual. The eight years before that, when i played World of Warcraft, I felt no sexual desire. Not as i do now. This is connected with love. I imagine meeting somebody who will become a close friend. With whom i will also have sex. Slowly. With desire. I feel like i’m slowly getting there. I masturbated a lot four years ago. This has grown less over the years. I do imagine what it would be like. To have someone real in front of me. With all his faults. As i do have faults. Of course. But still, somebody i will like. Who will be a friend. Who i can talk with about anything. Laugh with. Cuddle up with. And yes, have sex with. I do long for that physical closeness.

I thought i had moved beyond longing for these things. They are still in the back of my mind. Some smaller than others. Love and sex are the big ones. I should think about friends more. I don’t mind being alone. But i do miss really close friends. I hope i will move on with my life. I hope i will find a way to get myself out of here. To work yes.

A salute to you, my reader.

Published on January 21, 2019 at 6:00 by

Hey there

Since around two days i wanted to write something. It is still not clear what i want to write. Something about my current life, my current feelings about it. Which do change all the time.

I remember posting the short film Human on 31 December 2018. I’m glad it was finished in time. Not really sure why i wanted to post it in 2018. It felt right. I guess. The days after that i felt a bit down. I was happy with it. Yes. But it was hard leaving the film behind.

I still think about the film. The choices i made. The difference between before and after i published the film. Now i see more, now i see why i made the film look like it does. It is quiet. It is slow. I really like the few things which go slower and faster. I love the portraits of my friends. Love love love them. I also love the mid part of the movie, the children playing. I do think it needs more publicity. But i also see it is very different from most of the products currently made. So i’m not sure which way to go. I’m not sure about anything right now. So i do nothing much.

I am happy with the feedback i got from my friends. Most seem to like the film. A good way to start.

This has not become the post i had in mind. Like i said, it wasn’t clear to me what i wanted to write. I didn’t know how i felt.

It is still not clear to me.

Published on January 18, 2019 at 6:00 by