Author Archives for Ellen

Falling out of love

I am growing older. I see it in the photo i just made of myself. More wrinkles. I did make the photo a lot brighter in photoshop. Vanity. Yeah.

I am still single. Living by myself. It is still my dream, falling in love. I left it once, in my silent time. Didn’t think about it much then. For the past five years it has been changing. I am growing up. Growing stronger. Thinking more. Even though it is still hard for me to speak my mind clearly, to find the time to relax and think properly and let the words form inside me and speak them. Difficult.

My dream of falling in love and someone else falling in love with me is very private. I kept it for myself mostly. It is not the biggest dream i have. My biggest dream is me leading the life i want to lead. Talking with people, in public. Talking about this world, what we make of it. Talking about our ideas, our wishes. Talking about celebrities, and why we love them. Talking about changes we can make in our lives. Talking about making our lives more truthful, about working together for a better future. Talking about working together making the world a better place for all the living beings on it.

Stuff like that.

So right now, i’m actually falling out of love. I don’t have the time. Sorry no. Not for me, not right now.

I have work to do.

Published on July 19, 2019 at 6:00 by

Flowers and more on the Vredestuin Noord

Would love to know the name of this tree. I will ask soon!
Sweet pea
And more sweet pea
I love the colours: yellow, white and magenta
BAMMM!! Wonderful colour 🙂
Common mullein?
Bright and yellow
Hmmm, i should ask
Sort of a thistle type plant
Evening primrose
Red currants
White light pink hibiscus
A path through the woody parts of the garden
Tree trunks planted with mushroom ents a week ago
All the tree trunks together
A sunflower - next week it will be open!
Lovely white flowers
Berries, elderflower maybe?
A rainbow in a fountain on my way home
And more lovely plants besides the water on my walk back home
Published on July 18, 2019 at 6:00 by

Today’s music

Until You Come Back to Me (That’s What I’m Gonna Do)
Aretha Franklin

Bad Sneakers
Steely Dan

Three Girl Rhumba

Greatest Love of All
Whitney Houston

It’s Going To Take Some Time

I Would Stay

Yesterday Once More

I Don’t Know How To Love Him
Yvonne Elliman

Being Boring
Pet Shop Boys

Long Distance Love
Little Feat

We’ve Only Just Begun


Etron Fou Leloublan

Dreams – Colors Mix

Le Freak

Pretty in Pink
The Psychedelic Furs

MALAMENTE – Cap.1: Augurio

Ready or Not

Theme from S-Express

Django Jane
Janelle Monáe

thank u, next
Ariana Grande

Showroom Dummies
Atom TM

Outdoor Miner

Published on July 17, 2019 at 6:00 by

Books to read

In the past three weeks i have been watching quite a few youtube videos and read some books. I discovered new writers to discover: Ad Verbrugge, a Dutch philosopher and Paul Verhaeghe, a Belgian psychologist. Both have written books about the current times, love and loneliness and sexuality. I am still reading these books. All these books are written in Dutch.

From Verhaeghe i have the following books from the library:

Identiteit (Identity)
Autoriteit (Authority)
Intimiteit (Intimity)
Liefde in tijden van eenzaamheid (Love in times of loneliness)
Het einde van de psychotherapie (The end of psychotherapy)

Van Ad Verbrugge i have the following two books:

Tijd van onbehagen (Time of discomfort – which i got after the death of my stepfather two years ago)
Staat van verwarring – Het offer van liefde (State of confusion – The sacrifice of love)

I will write more about these books and what they made loose in myself over the coming weeks.

Published on July 16, 2019 at 6:00 by

Keto courgette cake

Last Friday there was a first harvest of courgette (zucchini for you USA people). I decided to make a courgette cake with, as i made tens of times before in the years past. This time though, it would be a keto cake. No sugar, no wheat flour. In stead, i will use erythritol and almond flour. No sultanas this time, i stopped eating them the beginning of this year. Too sweet.

To be honest, i found the cake a bit too savory. I should have thought about the lack of sultanas and add a bit more sugar. I think for next time i will buy some sultanas, even though they are too sweet for me personally. But, on the whole i enjoyed the cake. Especially the almond flour adds a really nice flavour.


  • butter, for the tin
  • 3 medium eggs
  • 125ml vegetable oil
  • 100g erythritol
  • 350g courgette, coarsely grated
  • 1 tsp vanilla sugar (optional)
  • 300g almond flour
  • 1 tablespoon of psyllium powder
  • 2 tsp cinnamon
  • ¼ tsp nutmeg
  • ½ tsp bicarbonate of soda
  • 85g almonds, roughly chopped, or any other nut or seed you have
  • a pinch of salt


  1. Heat oven to 160C/160C fan/gas 4. Butter and line a 2lb loaf tin with baking parchment. In a large bowl, whisk the eggs, oil and sugar, then add the courgettes and vanilla.
  2. In another bowl, combine the remaining ingredients with a pinch of salt.
  3. Stir the dry ingredients into the wet mixture, then pour into the tin. Bake for 1 hr and ten minutes, or until a skewer inserted into the centre comes out clean. Leave to cool, then serve, or freeze for up to 1 month.
Mixed the eggs, erythritol and oil. Added the vanilla sugar.
And the rasped courgette.
Put the raw almonds on the top of the cake
... and done!
Published on July 15, 2019 at 6:00 by

Once more

It is warm. The warm stones are nice. My mother points. Behind me. My dad is standing there. With something in front of his face.


This is a dream. A dream when i was in my early twenties.

It is a memory. A memory dream. Something that really happened to me. Not something terribly important. Just me, my mom, my dad. And a camera.

I had the photograph. I was around a year and a half. A chubby white haired little girl. Not looking very happy. Concentrated. Looking behind me. My mom sitting in a chair with dark hair set in a high bun pointing towards the camera.

It was 1965.

My father is not visible in the photograph. He is the photographer.


I misplaced the photo. Lost it, i guess. The memory is still vivid. I can still feel the warmth of the stones beneath my hands. Happy. Careless. Not a worry on my mind.

8 February 1986. Saturday. For two months i have been living by myself in the west part of Rotterdam. Loving it. Still studying Industrial Design in Delft.

This evening i made drawings. I had done a water colour presentation drawing course in Delft. This evening i made a set of drawings which puzzled me. Six drawings, the first three of me and my life up until that time. The last three more general. I didn’t understand them.

When i was done i remember looking at these drawings. Surprised. Puzzled. Not sure when i got the feeling i should give away these drawings. Within a few days at least. The next week i made a box for them. They were small. Around 10 x 15 centimeters.

The first time i gave them away was to my then best friend. We stopped seeing each other within a few months. She gave the drawings back to me, after a couple of weeks.

The second time i gave them away was in ten years time, the mid 90s. A new best friend. She gave them back to me as well. I remember watching the drawings while they were at her place. I think it was clear these drawings ment a lot to me. Maybe that was the reason she gave them back.

These drawings ended up in the cupboard in my living room. I wasn’t looking at them. I almost forgot i had drawn them.


In October 2014 i had my sledgehammer moment. A few weeks after that i got the drawings out of the cupboard and set them in the bookcase. Clearly visible.

In November i thought that it would be a good idea to give these drawings away to Green Gartside of Scritti Politti. Since 1985 i have admired his songs and writings and voice. I tried to get in touch, but i knew he was a very private person. Nothing came of it.

A year later i read that Scritti Politti would be giving a concert in London on 5 February 2016 in the Roundhouse. I ordered a ticket, bought a bus ticket, booked an airbnb close to the Roundhouse. I was set.

That evening, after the gig, i did give my drawings to Green Gartside. It took a bit of time. So many people wanted to talk to him. I was a bit hesitant. His wife recognized me from earlier gigs in 2006. I told her i had something i wanted to give to him. She called him over. These moments are etched in my mind.

This is more than three years ago. I’m still happy i found the courage to gave these drawings away to someone i admire. It is one of the happiest memories i have.

The work i do. The work i enjoy. The work from which i learn. Yes, this here. On the internet. There is of course the work i made before. At home. At artschool. The drawings i made before i went to artschool. A prelude.

I still remember my first steps online. The very first words i wrote online. The first gif animations i made. Glorious.

I made steps. I took breaks. Sometimes a couple of days. A week.

Then eight years.

I remember when i stopped making presents. I didn’t let go, no. I kept it on my mind. The first few years anyway. In the end though, making presents had disappeared. I lived my life. Time moved on.

I still don’t know what happened, why i felt like this sledgehammer hit me. I don’t know what caused it. It did get me back to work. First on, a couple of months later on My work changed. More photography. The short films. Cooking. Singing. And three years ago the garden. I’m not hiding anymore.

Not that every day is a great day, hell no. Great days are rare. But still, quite a few good days. I do enjoy the rhythm this website gives my life. A new post five days a week, at six in the morning. Five weeks vacation each year. Like a regular job.

I am fifty-five. Over halfway my life. There are so many things i still need to work on. My health. My weight. My patience. My anger. My understanding.

The past five years i worked on myself. Trying to let go of anger. Which is difficult. Trying to be kind. Easy with people i do not know. Harder when i feel hurt. I try to look at the world with an open mind. Still working on that one.

I am lucky to be born in the Netherlands. This wealthy part of the world. I am lucky to have had an education. I am lucky i was able to make my own choices. For the most part. I am lucky.

After this post i will take a three week break. And then i will make a decision about my life. What work i want to do. What work i am able to do. I would prefer to keep on working on this website. Keep on working in the garden. But it is not all up to me.

I hope things will work out. I hope i can continue on my path to leading a fuller life. I hope for a bit of happiness. I hope for a bit of love. I hope to meet many people, i hope to talk with many people. How we would like the world to be. Not as it is right now. Something to work towards. Together.

I did find a bit of peace in me. A place of quiet.


Published on June 21, 2019 at 6:00 by

Homemade moisturizer

I try to make as much as possible myself. I have been making body butter for the past four years or so, last year i made calendula salve, detergent for the past five years, i recently made a night oil to put on my face before i go to bed. Moisturizer is a big step for me though. I have been buying it, the Total Effects 7 in One perfume free Anti-ageing moisturizer from Oil of Olaz. On Jetske Ultee’s website this is one of the recommended moisturizers.

In the Total Effects moisturizer mixture is niacinamide (vitamin B3).

Niacinamide is a very effective skin-restoring ingredient that offers multiple benefits for aging and blemish-prone skin. Among these benefits is the ability to visibly improve the appearance of enlarged pores, uneven skin tone, fine lines, dullness, and a weakened skin surface.

Source: Paula’s Choice

The Ordinary sells a 10% solution. It is not expensive, €5,90, so i might give this a try.

I did research for a starting recipe. I found one through pinterest which i have changed a bit. I’m sure this will take time to get right.


  • Coconut Oil – 2 tablespoons
  • Beeswax – 2 tablespoons
  • Almond oil, Argan oil and Calendula oil – 1/4 cup together, most used is the almond oil
  • Shea Butter – 1 tablespoon
  • Myrrh, Frankincense, Tea Tree oil, Geranium oil, Rose oil – five drops of each


  1. Take a clean jar and put the ingredients in them.
  2. In a pan, heat water till it starts boiling.
  3. Place the jar inside the pan. Do not cover the jar.
  4. Let the jar remain there till the ingredients are melted completely.
  5. Once it is all melted, get the jar out of the water and let it cool down so that the cream starts hardening.
  6. The homemade anti-ageing cream is ready

This morning i bought four more essential oils: tea tree, rose, myrrh and frankincense (wierook in Dutch). I did have some other essential oils. The geranium one seems to have good properties for ageing skin. The peppermint is for my toothpaste. I recently bought some clay powder for my toothpaste. Still need to look up a recipe for that. I also have a small collection of oils: almond, jojoba and argan oil. In late summer i will make another batch of calendula oil.

Published on June 19, 2019 at 6:00 by