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I’m 19 and I’ve lost my sparkle for life

I read this article called I’m 19 and I’ve lost my sparkle for life. How will I ever get it back? on the Guardian Sunday morning. It brought tears to my eyes. Lots of truths in the answer.

I also watched a video about integrating your shadow side in your life. This article actually reminds me a bit of this. Happiness, excitement is not something you strive for. It is a bonus. I am still struggling with my own life. Still not sure which way to go. Still half believe i life in a fantasy. It still does not feel real to me. I do hope reality will come to me soon. I do hope my life will turn out to be difficult and challenging. But i also hope it will be happy and productive.

I hope it is ok if i post the article here.

I’m 19 and I’ve lost my sparkle for life. How will I ever get it back?
Your privileges aren’t necessarily a route to joy, says Mariella Frostrup. But finding your own purpose in life is

The dilemma I’m a girl, I’m 19 and I never get excited about anything. It’s been years since I’ve felt that sparkle, even though I’ve done things and been to places that I really liked and that changed me in a positive way.

My bucket list in life is very long and full of diverse activities and trips, but I never seem to enjoy that much when I’m doing it. I usually only realise how good it was afterwards, and I feel lucky about what I had experienced, but my heart never beats fast.

Friends get excited over small and silly things (and God knows it’s healthy, I am not judging) while I keep getting bigger chances than them and never feel that good. I do realise I’m lucky to have a supportive and wealthy family, and many friends. I am even good looking.

I’ve been depressed last year, and even though I am much better now, it seems to me that the only thing missing is the step from “glad” to “excited”.

Will I ever feel the sparkle again? If I don’t now, will I when I am old?

Mariella replies Even before! And you don’t need to sit around twiddling your thumbs and waiting for divine intervention; you can get cracking on reviving that sparkle right now. This is a common problem, increasingly so among younger people, and although it can often be linked with clinical depression it’s also perfectly possible that you’ve just lost sight of the things that make you happy.

For the clinically depressed or terminally myopic it can be hard to separate the challenges faced by others from our own near-the-knuckle woes. When you wake up in the morning and find you’re not moved by birdsong, or moved to tears by the sight of an old couple holding hands, or a kid touching sand for the first time, it’s a good thing to start looking for what’s afflicting you.

I’m so sorry to hear that your capacity for pleasure is so depleted, but you need to understand that what you describe as being lucky isn’t the pass to happiness you assume it to be. There’s nothing wrong with failing to use your privilege as a weapon against joylessness: the two are closer linked than you might imagine.

You say your parents are wealthy, and perhaps that’s an issue here. I’ve always wondered how my work imperative and, through it my enjoyment of life, would have fared if I hadn’t needed to make a living and step far beyond my comfort zone in order to do so. There’s a frisson of danger that you can’t easily conjure up when jeopardy is not a paycheck away.

First, though let’s talk about that depression which can’t be discounted as a considerable contributing factor for your malaise. You don’t tell me whether you’ve been treated for it, but I would strongly recommend that you do talk to a professional – contact your GP, or Mind ( and make sure you have a support system in place. Depression is an epidemic that recognises no socio-economic borders and no matter how #blessed you feel it can seize you in its grip.

That said, as I mature (disconcertingly speedily) and become an irritating know-all, I’m increasingly conscious of the failure of my generation to instil resilience in our children. Don’t get me wrong, my friends, acquaintances and colleagues have offered spectacular opportunities to their offspring: helicopter-parented them through exams; filled in their college forms; scrimped and saved to supply a deposit for their first flat; and endeavoured to be there for them through every pitfall and passion project, every friendship failure and broken heart. And guess what? It could be that we’re causing equivalent damage with our goodwill as was inflicted by the neglect and ignorance of previous generations’ parenting.

It seems to me that because we parents haven’t got a clue, we’re frequently over-compensating for a perceived absence of care in our own pasts that may actually have been a blessing. I wonder if my generation’s sustained efforts to bring our children up in the protective circle of our embrace has left too many kids, like you, struggling to work out how to find their own pleasure in the world.

There’s one good reason to seek joy in life and that’s simply because you are lucky to be alive – and the challenge is what best purpose to put your time to. Look around, step beyond your comfort zone, delve deep into issues you might not have thought about engaging with and don’t imagine that just because you’re surrounded by privilege you are churlish for not being happy!

When you find your own priorities in life you’ll understand how subjective they are. Life will always have its ups and downs so when you lose sight of the sparkle it’s time to change your perspective and look further afield for inspiration. There’s a big, wide world out there that you can make an impact on, but right now small steps towards discovering your purpose are all you need to worry about.

Published on September 14, 2020 at 6:00 by

Stardew Valley

A couple of months ago i bought the game Stardew Valley. I enjoyed it from the start. The retro pixel look of the game, the simple things you could do, seeds and plants and trees and mining and fishing, it is all lovely. Fishing took me some time to get a hang of, but even that is going better now. I uploaded some of Madelief’s progress to

A few weeks after i bought the game i found out it is developed by one person, Eric Barone. Salute!

Madelief (Daisy in english) in her big home. Not married yet.
The cellar
Standing outside
A bigger view
In the fields, with the cows, goats, sheep and pig roaming free. Watering the plants.
In the stables, putting the milk in the cheesemakers
The greenhouse
Some crabpots and the house with the storage
The community center. Only the fishing part needs to be done, than we will have a party!
In the dark
Roosje (Little Rose) in front of her house. The first spring.
Published on June 23, 2020 at 6:00 by

Some youtube videos

I usually go to bed early. I do read facebook, posts, twitter, youtube. I like this. Here are some clips i came across the past few days, for your enjoyment.

I love watching Gardeners’s World. Here are this years first couple of episodes:

Published on April 10, 2020 at 6:00 by

YouTube channel: Bernadette Banner

This weekend i subscribed to the YouTube channel of Bernadette Banner. As she says: her historical sewing adventures. I love the way she talks, what she is talking about and watching her work. She also has an active instagram account at @bernadettebanner.

Generally the garments I study (and thus, the content I produce) range from early Medieval through Edwardian: anything and everything before the widespread use of the electric sewing machine. My goal is to investigate the practices and materials used throughout history in order to better understand the clothes themselves, as well as the people who wore them. I do also make most of my everyday clothes myself–reflecting historical details, of course–so there’s a bit of that round here as well.

So whether you’re here here for the history–or instead wish to learn a bit of the historical origins behind these garments before adapting them to your modern needs, I bid you warmest welcomes!

I don’t have any desire to make any historical dresses by hand for myself. My taste is more current and more minimalist. But i do love the quality and craftmanship of the dresses made by miss Banner. At the moment i’m terribly bad mender of my own clothes. The sewing basics videos are interesting to me because they show me simple techniques for knotting a thread while you sow and different stitches which will work much better for me and my humble mending practices. Her video about a thimble has got me wanting one badly, whether self made or bought, a metal one or a leather one. I need this!

I do admit though, the idea i had last year of making the Japanese Cross-back apron has slowly come back to life. As i still do not have a sewing machine, i might be able to hand stitch this. A new idea! I’ll keep you informed. 🙂

Some outstanding video’s on youtube

Sewing basics

Published on March 4, 2020 at 6:00 by

Radboud Reflects

The Youtube channel of Radboud Reflects. Academic lectures on philosophy, religion, ethics, society and culture. Most lectures are in Dutch, some are in English. I’ve discovered this channel a couple of months ago and subscribed. I enjoy watching and listening to the lectures. Below i list the lectures i have watched myself. Still have a whole library to wander through.

Published on November 19, 2019 at 6:00 by