Early in the afternoon i went out for a short walk. Quite suddenly really, i hadn’t thought about doing this at all during the morning. I went to the bench curving around the tree in the park behind my current house. I made a photo of the view, as i have done quite a few times before. Then i made a photo of myself. I sat there only for five minutes or so. Then i walked on.
It is almost seven years now since i decided to live my own life, sell of my house, live of the money i made of that, do whatever to try to get something out of myself. It is hard. For the past six months i have been living in my current house. In a month i will be moving to another house, from friends of friends who will be moving away for six months. I am looking forward to that. My own little place.
I don’t know how i will continue. Well, apart from this blog of course. Drawings, photographs, writings mostly. Onward.
Published on September 17, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
School was for me very enjoyable, a pleasure. I enjoyed algebra, math, writing. It wasn’t a problem for me. But i do realize now looking back on my school days in the 70s and 80s that it was not a complete picture of what you can learn about life and all the activities you can do. I did have swimming while i was at school, and gymnastics. But we never had a school garden. It was simply not mentioned. I didn’t miss it at all, but i also didn’t know that it was a possibility for me to have that. I was simple a child, adjusting myself to what was given to me.
I do come across articles which do interest me. I will give a list here, with some short comments.
- Wat als… ons onderwijs regeneratief zou zijn?
This article talks about what makes school something which makes you learn so many more things besides the cognitive skills. Not just your mind, but also your heart and hands are important. It will teach you to think about nature inclusive solutions.
- Steiner free schools
The Vrijeschoolonderwijs or Waldorf system has at its main focus the development of the child as a whole for his or her personal development and for the relation of the child with the world surrounding him or her. A balance between thinking, feeling and acting.
- Laterna Magica
A school delivering education for each child separately.
These are just three examples of different methods of learning. I wish i would have experienced this so much earlier in my life.
The examples i give here are the good kind. Well, good in my opinion anyway. I still think most of the schools are not of this kind. Predominantly most of the attention is focused on math and language. The CITO test pupils do at around 11 or 12 years old gives an overview of language skills, math skills, geography, history and nature knowledge. This is all tested inside a classroom with multiple choice questions. This give a limited view on the child. This continues over the later years in high school. More so even.
I’m still skeptical about the Dutch system of education. Some schools have a well rounded educational lesson system, but i do think they are in the minority. Most are scraping by, trying to mold the children to a general accepted way of thinking. I’m sad to say.
Published on August 23, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
Early in the morning i put my dirty clothes and bed linen in the washing machine. I went downstairs and got my double espresso with a bit of butter and some whipping cream. In the morning i do go through all the new things on my iPad: Feedly with my rss-feeds first, than a bit of facebook, youtube, twitter, Flipboard. The game i play right now is Shop Titans. I don’t pay anything for it, so it goes slow. Then i start up my computer, check my mail and start up a game of warcraft. I’m on my second private server in a week. Just checking out the game.
In the afternoon i went out for a short walk, which got even shorter because of the rainfall. I went into the supermarket AH for some shopping: some veggies, sausages, walnuts and whipping cream. Back home. Lucky it was dry then.
I feel better. I don’t worry too much. I still have confidence in myself. Lucky!
Published on August 10, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
Sometimes i think i should stop trying to write something here on this blog. I fail at it so many times. I’m much better making photographs and making drawings. Or in singing songs, even though i’m not very good at that either.
I guess i enjoy failing at writing too much. Or at drawing! I just got back to working at my drawing, and after a short time i found myself full of doubts. Was this drawing the one i wanted to make? Really? I stopped and i’m giving myself some time to think about this. I’m not sure to be honest.
Yesterday i went to the library with the thought i would get the book called De grote mythen van de moderne geschiedenis (The great myths of modern history) once again. I didn’t find it. The day before i was thinking about so many non-truths which are spread around. This book discusses a few of them. (I just went to the website of the library and made a reservation for this book. I can get it tomorrow or the day after. Yay!)
I do feel hopeless. I feel stuck in a place. I’m still not giving up. I still think there are ways of speaking here which i haven’t found yet. Not about knowing, no. More about being unsure, being ill at ease. Which is what i am right now. That is much closer to it. I do hope i can find it.
Published on August 9, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
Traveling to Mars and setting up a colony over there is a common wish. I had talks about this with people from the garden. I was very much against it, others were not so adamant. I did alter my ideas a bit, saying it would be good to have a long term project, to be started once we have our current troubles on planet Earth under control. Within lets say a hundred or two hundred years. You know, short term.
Our current troubles. Opinions differ in this respect. I am on the pessimistic side. I do believe there are troubles. The diminishing diversity of mammals and insects in Europe. The vast grasslands with no other plants in the Netherlands. I take my examples from Europe, because this is the area where i live. But the examples can be taken from all over the world. It seems to be an endless list of things going wrong. And it all starts with money.
I’m putting in a break here. I have been working on this piece for over a day. I haven’t been writing all that time. Most of the time i felt anxious, worried. Like a fog enveloping me, preventing me from looking out ahead. Like the story i want to tell is moving on without me taking charge. The truth is that i have told this story here before. Not exactly in these words, but still, the same story.
We need to fight. Fight for what we believe in. Fight against the constantly buying new stuff. Fight for a million other things. It is almost too much really. I am on the brink of feeling desperate. I do hope i can get to a place from where i can start making sense.
Because i am not right now.
Published on August 6, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
This morning i was in doubt for a short time. I knew it was going to rain. Would i really go outside and walk to the market?
So yes, i did go. It wasn’t raining for over half the distance. Then it started. I had brought my rain poncho with me, so i wore it and walked on. At the market i went to Penny Pean, a cafe at the corner. I knew a friend from the harvest market sits there usually on Tuesdays. Happy to say she was there. I ordered a cup of Earl Grey tea and sat down with her and her friends. I sat there for around half an hour when we all left.
I walked over the market. I was planning to go to Bebek the Turkish food stall. He wasn’t there. So i walked up to a fish stall and bought two herrings for my lunch.
After eating the herrings i went inside the library. I went up to the third floor to the philosophy section. I got the book Resistance and Reason in Port-truth Times written by Susan Neiman. It is a short book. I hope i will read it.
I walked back through town. I went inside the HEMA to check out the underwear, but i didn’t see any that spoke to me. So i walked on.
Meanwhile the sun had started to shine.
Published on July 28, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
Today i sat on a bench with a newspaper i had just been given for free ready to read a bit before i had to go to the practitioners assistant for my diabetes appointment. A man stood still in front of me and said something about Jesus and the Lord. We started a short conversation. I did not agree with him. He told me he once had an experience in a time filled with doubts, that he knelt in his dark room and saw Jesus standing in front of him. He saw the marks on his hands. He gave himself over to him.
Just before i had to go, he told me he would pray for me, wish me luck in a barren time. Something like that.
But i still don’t agree with you.
Published on June 9, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
I am living in this world. Our world. I hear the cars driving by outside. I feel the warmth of the air, in late spring. The sound of people talking, the music they listen to while they walk by.
There is also the image of our world shaped by the news, entertainment, books, politics, economics, business. Shaped by people standing on the shoulders of other people. That seems another world. Bigger. More complicated. Different from my own world.
It is difficult for me to get these two worlds together. My own private experience of this world. The image of another world so difficult its almost unimaginable. But i know they are the same.
There is only one world. Each person living on this world experiences it different. Each person lives its own life in this world. Past experiences shape what people expect to happen. We all come into this world with our own web of relationships knitting the fabric of this world together.
It is difficult for me to think of what to write here. I hope i get through this.
Published on June 3, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
I have been thinking about not wanting anything over the years. Difficult. Impossible it seems to me at times. Conflicting thoughts run through my mind occasionally. What do i want? Money? Freedom? The world? Fame?
Almost impossible it seems to me. And, do i really want any of those things? I’m still not sure.
I would like to sing with more confidence. It does seem to me i’m getting closer to sounding like myself more. But still on my own most of the time. Expressing myself more clearly. Yes. But still scared. Aah. Not being scared of other people. Simply being myself, expressing myself, smiling, being happy. Singing, dancing. And sometimes being quiet, looking out at the world, thinking about the world. That is something i want. Being myself, not hiding anymore, like i have done for so many times for so many years.
It’s a bit like the story of The Matrix. Am i able to find the trust, the strength within myself to see through all the bullshit going on in the world. Will i be able to find the freedom to look outwards and see all the lies floating around. To uncover the truth plainly on top, but so hard to see.
Or am i just making this up? Is this world simply the way it is. Slowly growing from one phase to the other with no possible way to stop it. And what does this corona-thing really mean?
I have no idea.
Published on May 3, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen
Today i watched a part of the House of Representatives debate about the records of meetings from the Dutch cabinet in 2019 publicized last week. I am in two minds about this. A a part of me thinks this is a good process, members of the House talking about these diffuse messages from the cabinet, trying to make up their minds. Another part of me is a bit cynical, doubting the members of the cabinet and their aim for truth. Well, to be honest, i doubt many people’s aim for truth, especially all politicians. Trained in the theater and public debates of politics. I prefer to be with people i trust. Mostly people from the garden.
Some things members said in the debate made me think of my own situation. The people being set back as fraudsters. The people targeted by the tax authorities. The people the Dutch government should be taking better care of.
For me, that is exactly what i do not want. If anything, i would like to get away from this, not being taken care of, not being interviewed on television with tears in my eyes, lamenting my own sorrow. Right now, i still live of the money i made with selling my house. For another ten months or so. I do sometimes think of what sort of work i would like to do, would fit in my life. Writing a column maybe. Drawing. Singing. Making a short movie. All things i would love to do. Maybe i am too old? I don’t think so. That is not my world, with everybody young and pretty and lovely.
I don’t know where this feeling i have comes from. I am growing, developing, growing up. I still have some things to do, i’m sure. This feeling of everything going right. Nothing in my world points to that. I have no friends who encourage me in this feeling. It is not something i think of every minute. But i do almost every day. But yes, not there yet.
I still need to grow up more.
Published on April 30, 2021 at 6:00 by Ellen