For four months i have worked. I do enjoy working for most of my clients. For some more than others. For some not at all. But most people are friendly and nice. Cleaning up house for people who are not able to do it themselves is worth doing. It doesn’t pay well, but for now it is enough.
But i do feel unhappy. I do not cry. On the whole i feel ok, i enjoy working most of the time. But my life is not what i wish it to be. I don’t have any really close friends, i don’t have any children, i don’t have any close contact with my family, apart from my mother. My life feels empty. It is not i want to fill my life up thoughtlessly, absolutely not. I am learning every day. But i do feel an impatience in me. When is it going to happen? Whatever it is.
My wishes might not come true. I might die in an ocean of solitude. I might never get there, wherever there may be. I still need to fight in me with myself.
My unhappiness is not important. It is a feeling i have within me, nothing more. I have to come to terms with it. That is difficult, but not impossible.
Another working week ahead of me. I hope you are doing well. Best wishes. Salute!
Published on October 31, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
Today is the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II. I watched a bit on Dutch and British television. The people in the procession, walking with an equal step, waving their arms all the same. It is a mighty sight.
This Friday morning i got on my bike and went to the place i have my furniture stored to bring my walking shoes. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. After that i played a bit of turtle wow.
I feel lost. I can be strong and don’t talk myself down, but it is difficult. I hope i can find some courage inside me and fight for a better world.
This afternoon i went to the harvest market of the Peace Garden. I did some drawing, talked with some people. I enjoyed myself. I did go home early.
Enjoy this upcoming week. I hope i will. Salute!
Published on September 26, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
I don’t have a story ready for you. My life seems to be in calmer water. I have work. I have a home to life in. Of course it is all temporary, but that is life as it is. A short-term thing.
I watch the raindrops falling down on the window. I didn’t make a walk today. Too wet.
I feel lost in this world. It is hard to stand up and fight for a better world. My biggest wish. Well, i need to fix my own life first before i can do that.
I will leave you here. Nothing i can add, for now.
Be well. Salute!
Published on September 19, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
The world wakes up. Sometimes i am a bit early at work. I stand outside and watch the people passing by. Each one is starting his or her day.
The windows of the houses are all different. Some have only a few plants on the window sill, some have closed curtains, some have blackout curtains. I see no people standing looking out of their window.
All this will not last. That is a given. The world is changing continuously. People meet their ends all the time.
While i walk in the commercial hubbub of the modern city i watch the people walking by. Sometimes i imagine a situation in which things are different; the sea level has risen, the shops are empty, food is scarce. People will loose their civilized shiny outer layer. It could happen. One day.
Now i’m back home. My home for now. And i’m distressed and puzzled about what to write. I have scrapped so many sentences i wrote the past week. Mind you, i do that every time i write something recently. To me it is a good thing. It means i am thinking about what to write. Not that i come to an answer, but i don’t mind that too much. For the time being.
I will leave you here. I will be back next week.
Published on September 12, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
I just got home from my mom’s place. I stayed there from Thursday till Sunday. I love staying with her. I watched more television than usual at home. We went into the village on Saturday, into the small shopping centre on Friday. It was lovely.
I’m happy to say that i start to feel a bit better. Working is fine so far. I don’t make that much money, but i’m happy with what i have. I will look around for other jobs, but i’m a bit picky.
And then there is me. My old dreams seem a far far away distance. But they are not gone all together. It is partly fantasy. But there is also a grain of truth in there. Small, but still.
It is still impossible to completely let go of these dreams. Of me talking, of me doing things i enjoy doing.
The world feels so wrong. Let’s just hope for the best. Pray, wish, dream, talk. For the best.
Published on August 29, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
A couple of months ago i made a huge error. I gave the address i lived in at the moment to someone of the municipality. I said i lived there for only three weeks. I didn’t pay anything for it. But still, a huge error. I ignored it for a while, but it came back to me.
I felt awful. For months. It is getting a bit better. I can see the circumstances are a big part of why i told the address to the person on the line. But still, shame shame shame. I should never have said it. It would have meant my application for welfare was not valid. In the end it has been denied anyway.
I’m in a vulnerable condition. No home, very little money. For the past four weeks i have worked, but i don’t make enough. I don’t have any debts. that is a good thing.
And then there is this little voice inside of me. Almost inaudible it whispers to me “you gotta go through this” – “there is light at the end of the tunnel”. I almost do not believe this little voice.
Be kind to yourself. A deep warm hug from me to you.
Published on August 8, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
My fourth week of work starts tomorrow. My work of house care isn’t difficult, but i do need to get used to it. I’m happy i need to go to the place i need to clean. It makes my work varied. Sometimes i like the person who i am cleaning for, sometimes i’m indifferent. I don’t dislike anyone.
I’m still in an in between phase. I’m happy i found work to do, but that only goes up to a certain limit. After another month i will talk to the employment agency to check if there are other jobs more in my old line of work, like webmaster of somewhere related to front-end development.
Keep it up woman!
Published on August 1, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
Yesterday i worked in the Peace Garden and talked with the intern about many things: her education, her future plans, my ideas on abortion and sex. Back home i came across this article Hoe het economisch model ons ziek maakt 1 (How the economic model makes us sick). An unhealthy lifestyle costs the Belgian welfare tens of billions of euros each year.
- air pollution: 17 billion euro
- problematic alcohol consumption: 9 billion euro
- tabacco: 13 billion euro
(Figures are for Belgium.)
A week ago in the Netherlands the government came with the plan to reduce livestock numbers, a short explanation you can read in The Netherlands’ Farm Crisis, Explained 2. Dutch animal farming is among the most intensive in the world. A 100 million chickens, 11.4 million pigs and 3.8 million cows. The highest livestock density in the world. We do need to take care of this and lessen the amount of animals living in this small country.
These are only two examples how the current industry and agriculture spoil our living world. Two amongst many.
My main focus is not to thoroughly investigate how all these global industries work. I want to ask questions. As many as i can. Not give any answers.
1. Hoe het economisch model ons ziek maakt – Samenleving & Politiek
2. The Netherlands’ Farm Crisis, Explained
Published on June 14, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen
The past eight years have been eventful for me. I sold my house. I lived of the money i got from that. Now i’m nearing the end of my money.
I don’t know why i stay as calm as i do. Sometimes i do get nervous, anxious, scared. Mostly not. I should be so much more worried. Trying to find a job, to make some money to tie myself over. Make my life work.
This is not about me proving myself. This is not about me winning in any way. There is nothing to win, nothing to loose. But it is about me being truthful to myself, with all my heart. Doing the things i love to do, with all my heart.
Source: My future
I have spend my life to work on this website. With very little to show for it to be truthful. I want to be truthful to myself. This is so difficult. What does my heart want? A boyfriend? Is that it? True love? Someone to spend my life with, with all its difficulties and miscommunications? Someone to utterly love, despite all the hassles and confusions that will exist between us?
I don’t know anymore where and when i may find this person. I never knew anyway. I can only live my life as good as i can. Even if i completely fail at it.
Published on June 7, 2022 at 6:00 by Ellen