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Myself in this world

The past eight years have been eventful for me. I sold my house. I lived of the money i got from that. Now i’m nearing the end of my money.

I don’t know why i stay as calm as i do. Sometimes i do get nervous, anxious, scared. Mostly not. I should be so much more worried. Trying to find a job, to make some money to tie myself over. Make my life work.

This is not about me proving myself. This is not about me winning in any way. There is nothing to win, nothing to loose. But it is about me being truthful to myself, with all my heart. Doing the things i love to do, with all my heart.

Source: My future

I have spend my life to work on this website. With very little to show for it to be truthful. I want to be truthful to myself. This is so difficult. What does my heart want? A boyfriend? Is that it? True love? Someone to spend my life with, with all its difficulties and miscommunications? Someone to utterly love, despite all the hassles and confusions that will exist between us?

I don’t know anymore where and when i may find this person. I never knew anyway. I can only live my life as good as i can. Even if i completely fail at it.

Completely fail.

Published on June 7, 2022 at 6:00 by

Kissing and having sex and more

My first kiss i had on a beach in the moonlight on Tenerife. I was sixteen years old. He visited me once i was back home. I remember him asking my mum why i went to the gymnasium. He thought i didn’t need that. Bye bye!

I have been in love many times. The way a person looks, the way he dresses, the way he looks at me, all those things can spark my interest in a person. Someone may be beautiful. I fell for that a couple of times. I remember a young gorgeous man when i studied in Delft. I looked at him while sitting in a lecture hall. Nothing happened.

I remember sitting in my room with a young man i was in love with. I touched his penis. I remember it being soft and squishy. It rose up a bit when i touched it. Nothing further happened. I remember one night we tried to do it, have proper sex, close to my home. It didn’t work out.

My first proper sex experience was years later, when i was twenty-eight years old. We kissed on a New Years Eve party. I knew him, but not very well. I ended up in bed with him. First it didn’t work out. But i do remember lying awake after a failed sex attempt and waking him up and kissing him. And yes… we did it.

I wasn’t very much in love with him. We broke up after a month or two. It sounds easier than it was. I felt let down by some of my best friends, who didn’t ask me anything about my experience with sex. I broke up with them. That hurt me even more.

After that i fell in love with another man. He didn’t fall in love with me. It lasted for years. Nothing came of it.

The last couple of years i had some fleeting loves, but nothing too serious. Some men i found attractive, but i knew quickly it was no use.

This is part of my life story. I have grown up over the years. Bit by bit. With trial and error. Making the same mistakes over and over, sure.

I hope i have learned enough. Enough to make some good decisions. Do i pick a quiet and silent life or an active and public life. My heart goes to the latter life. In the midst of people, fighting for what we believe in. With all our might.

Published on June 3, 2022 at 6:00 by

The day after

The past few weeks i’ve been having mixed and elevated emotions. Saturday morning i went for a walk. I sat outside of a coffee bar, drank a cappuccino and read the newspaper. After i finished i walked into the center of town. I was looking at the people and the shops with a distant and observing feeling. I enjoy walking into the center, not to buy anything but to look at the people.

At the market i talked with a friend. I confessed i collapsed during a phone talk with my mother the day before. Stupid filthy money. Stupid filthy world. Nothing goes as i want. The past eight years i have given up everything i have. My house. My work. I’m sitting here with nothing to show for it. I have let everything come to nothing.

That is what i keep saying to myself. This is not true of course. I have learned so much. About myself. About the world. About other people. Yes i was scared. Yes i kept it as low risk as possible. I sold my house with the provision i could keep living in it for two more years. I paid for my livelihood from the money i made with selling my house. Now i’m here, no where left to turn to.

Why? Why did i do this? Why did i let it all fall out of my hands? Why?

I can not disguise this hopeless feeling i have with feeling in love, doing the best i can, fighting for my life the only way i think possible. That all means nothing in the face of my going broke. Being against war, against the weapon industry, the oil industry, the agricultural industry, that is all fine sure. But it leads me nowhere.

What made me decide to go this way? What drove me? It is all gone. I wish i could run back to my old home, hide away and live my life safely away from prying eyes.

I have nothing left to go back to. Here i am, alone, no money, no home. I have some friends, but i can not live off them. Where do i go from here?

I would like to say i wish i knew, but i do not know. Time will tell. Until the time things will be a bit clearer, i can only try to stay calm. It will not be the end of the world.

Published on May 23, 2022 at 6:00 by

The whole wide world

Tuesday i went to the market and the library. In the library i read the papers. When i walked back home i met a friend. The next couple of hours we spend talking about all sorts of things: sex, our livelihood, friends, conflicts, people we both know.

The day before i had a talk with my current house boss. It was a good talk, he was clear minded and well spoken. He called me fatalistic, waiting for an accident sure to happen soon. I do not agree with him, but i do see his point.

I am getting closer to taking a new direction in my life. My money is running out. It is difficult to describe my feelings to other people. What do i really really want to do with my life? What matters the most to me? What sort of job would i like to work in? What makes my life worth living?

What would i enjoy doing? Singing! I know i’m not terribly good at it, but i love it. Dancing! I love to dance! I love to make videos, but content is hard to reach the past years. I love to talk. Plenty of things i love to do. But it is all not significant to other people. That is not a job they say. That is simply something you enjoy doing! But why should a job be different from the things you enjoy doing?

Yesterday evening i felt a happiness which filled me up right to the top. How come, while i have only enough money to last me a month or two. Am i crazy? Deluded?

I am alone. This gives me pros and cons. I do not need to give attention to anyone. I don’t get attention myself.

I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not the smartest. I am not the most skilled woman. I may be an artist, i am not sure. I may be a singer, a dancer, a talker. I don’t know.

I am determined. I am not letting go. I do not give up.

‘The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.’

This step was taken a long time ago.

Source photo: Tao van Poeh, Benjamin Hoff

Published on May 20, 2022 at 6:00 by

Me and the world

It is difficult to keep my head straight. Get a job! Make some money! The past few weeks i’ve been caving in. Almost.

I’m sitting in the cellar. Right now i do the washing of my clothes in a bucket. I never thought things would become like this. I have some friends. One of them lets me stay in his house for free. A good friend.

I gotta keep my head straight. I gotta stay on track. I can not let go. Even though i sometimes wish i could. Get back to the safety of having money, having a house, having things to do i enjoy, giving dinners sometimes. Do not worry. Things are ok.

Things are not ok. I do worry.

It is so easy to forget the troubles of the world in this northwest corner of Europe. The changes in market values by sector state that coal, oil, fertilizers and weapons have shot up in value since the Ukrainian – Russian war began. 1 Is this world all about money? Is it?

Having money equals having power. Having money makes it able for someone to do things. To set up shop. To make things and sell them. Anything you want. Having money makes it possible for you to buy things. Clothes. All the food you desire. Computers. Smartphones. Kitchens. A new house. Anything you want.

I try to stay clear of buying anything i want. I do buy food. I could use some new underwear, but money is tight. I sometimes visit websites where they sell clothes and dream away. I will buy a new dress once i get a bit more cash. Yeah 🙂

I don’t feel alone. Weird of me to say. Because i am alone. We all are alone. We get lonelier by the minute. I feel i need to let go of something. Something that is close to me. My own individuation? My own feeling of myself? My own me?

I wonder what part i will play in the worlds play. Of course i do not know if i ever will. I am watching this world drama unfold, with all different people playing their part in it. I am curious about it. How it would feel, to be part of that story.

1. Source: Who’s Cashing in on the War in Ukraine? Fossil Fuel Firms and Agricultural Traders

Published on May 13, 2022 at 6:00 by

The End of Time

In previous scrapped versions of this post i have written about being covered by a soothing mind-numbing blanket, about left and right politics, about the child benefits scandal, about a conversation with voices from different angles.

I went back to the first question i wrote for this post: ‘why do i make life so difficult for myself?’

I had cut this question. No. There are more important things to talk about.

But for me this is an important question. There was no need. I could have kept working. I could have stayed in my house. I could have rented out a room. My life could have been so much easier. Carefree.

But no, i have burned all the bridges behind me. No way back. No way forward. Yet.

I think back about the beginning of this process. I was going slightly mad at the job i had at the time. I left soon after. After eight years of silence i started working again on in October 2014. The About present marked the end for That was it.

January 27, 2015.

On February 9, 2015 at 0:00 i published my first post on The About page came online at the same time.

I hope you will enjoy visiting my thoughts, my mind, my face, my work, my story, my garden work, my friends, my walks. My clips, my songs, my presents, my food, my beauty.

You may feel lost at times. Not understand why i made something. That is ok. I don’t understand everything i made either.

Source About – Published 12 June 2017

This website is my work. I don’t get paid for it. I don’t get the attention i want. Beforehand i thought it would be easier to earn a bit of money with making these posts, each day a new one. It is not easy at all. But it is my work, undeniably.

So here i am at the end of time, sitting in front of my computer, typing away. One part of me is thinking back about the first page i ever published online on 1 July 1997.

I am not sure how these pages will develop, i don’t know how frequent the updates will be. It might be less than i anticipate at this moment. Maybe, when you read this somewhere in the future, you will know more than i do now. Maybe than, where there is nothing now, there will be something for you to discover.

Source jump to the left – jump to the right – one step forward – one step back – twist and repeat – Published 1 July 1997

This is the story of my life. This is the story of me. These choices i have made all by myself. I was happy to work in the garden for five years. I was happy to get to know people who felt sidestepped in this crazy world and with whom i could sit in a communal garden and sing songs and eat food we all brought. We made a story of growing food in the midst of Rotterdam for everyone to see who walked by over the sidewalk at the end of the garden.

But time moves on relentlessly. I am trying to build a life worth living in this world with all its hidden nooks and crannies. It is difficult and hard. Often i have feelings of failing and of sinking back into this mire. But this is me. This is my own handpicked life. I stand by it.

I will start looking for work. I don’t know what sort of work will come my way. But i will take it. I hope. 🙂 I will continue working on I don’t know what i am going to make or write or draw or photograph. As ever.

After these weeks of difficult posts, i’m giving myself a well deserved break. I will see you once again Monday 9 May 2022.

PS. Ooh, i made a new patreon page at You are welcome to visit.

Published on April 29, 2022 at 6:00 by

Life is messy

It is my own desire for safety which confounds me. Safety, security, a shield against all the dangerous things the world hurls at you. Don’t let it touch! Be invincible, invulnerable.

I am scared of the future. As i should be, of course. I do not know what the future will bring. That makes me come alive with all sorts of defenses against all sorts of dangers coming my way. But what dangers? What defenses?

I don’t know.

I live now, not in the future where all these troubles lurk. Of course, i can cross over the street and be run over by a car. I can fall down a stair and drop to my death. Anything can happen.

I don’t know.

Another part of me revels in dreaming up idolized persons. I will fall in love. Someone else will fall in love with me. I will become famous. Legendary even.

But i don’t know.

I think i know many things. The books i have read, the walks i have made, the dances i danced away, the songs i have sung, the earth i worked in, the drawings i made, the photographs i made. Not all terribly good. Still a work i feel proud of. But do i know these things? Do i really?

And then there is me.

A growing older woman in her late fifties, with grey hair, slightly overweight. That is what i look like from the outside. The inside is a mixture of emotions, some scared, some hopeful. My heart is pounding inside of me.

What am i? Who is this i i am speaking of here? What does it all mean? Is there some meaning? Anywhere?

I do not know.

Published on April 22, 2022 at 6:00 by

In love

Life is confusing. There are the multitudes of things you are able to become aware of. There are the books, the movies, videos you are able to see and hear. There is the music in which you may loose yourself. There is the entire world filled with stuff. There are the other people. All strangers.

The past few years i met some men i liked. It was quickly over. But it was worthwhile. I learned to be more independent. I learned to be more thoughtful. I became more grown up.

I am alone. I don’t mind that. I do wish for being loved and loving someone else. But i am not sure how that would feel. Deep at night, my mind wanders. I am only human. I am a multitude of likes and dislikes. Most change over time. Some things are hidden deep inside of me. Some hardly even surface here, on this website, which is my place, the centre of my being. So it feels.

I write this post and categorize it in Column. Only a year ago i wrote the first post for this category, Contagious. I enjoy writing, rewriting and deleting text. I enjoy drawing, singing, photographing, writing about cooking, about the world and its highlights and atrocities, about myself and my idiosyncrasies.

This post is difficult to write. I deleted whole paragraphs. I copied and pasted text in completely different order. And that while this post was so clear to me during the beginning of the week. I will write it i thought. I will let it all come out of me. Yes! Today it is hard. It seems like i have forgotten it all. But i feel happy with what i have written so far. It wasn’t what i thought about earlier, but it is worthwhile. To me anyway.

And here in my life right now it is peaceful. The sun is shining. In the backyard of the house there is a blossoming tree. Birds are singing.

I am stronger than i thought. Keep it up!

Published on April 15, 2022 at 6:00 by


The leaf buds on the trees are slowly opening up. Some trees have flowers first. The almond trees in the Peace Garden. Cherry blossom. Magnolia. Some of them are already out of blossom. A light wash of green covers most trees right now. A bit of white or pink of upcoming flowers. Some trees are still bare.

I do my utmost best to remain tranquil. Right now i feel calm. Peaceful. But at the edge of my consciousness is anxiousness. Sometimes it comes to the front. Usually at night, before i fall asleep. And i feel the beating of my heart. Almost pounding. I do believe in myself though. With all my heart.

It can be so easy to let it go, to conform myself to the most common way of living. Safety first. Insurance of course. But my life is getting less far-sighted.

I do worry sometimes. I am trying to break that unsettling habit. I don’t want to look ahead in my life and see what will be occupying me then. To be honest, i don’t think that is possible. Our looking ahead simply projects our life into the future, but many accidents and changes occur during our life’s progress we are not aware of.

The COVID pandemic from the last two years, the Russian – Ukrainian war going on right now and all the changes that brings along with it show that life is unpredictable to the core.

Where will i be in three weeks time? I don’t know.

Truth be told i do not know.

Published on April 8, 2022 at 6:00 by

The harvest market and walking and more

Last Saturday i went to the market, like i do all Saturdays. It was cold, around 5ºC. I like to look around at the people and the children and the dogs. I don’t talk that much at the market. I enjoy listening. I left the market earlier than usual.

I went out this morning and walked to the Essenburgpark. I looked at all the people i walked by on my way over there. Smiling, saying hi to one or two. My head was still full of what i had just read in the book Ultimate Questions. I was wondering what the people i met on the streets were thinking of. I had no idea. I smiled at the people whose eye i caught.

In the park i sat on a bench for around fifteen minutes. I listened to the birds singing their happy song. Even though it was cold, spring is definitely setting in. I saw some people letting out their dog.

I walked to the supermarket. I was thinking of this post while walking. I only remember half of it. Strange how i seem to forget what i thought.

On the street where i live i came across a lady with a lovely dog. The dog looked me in the eye. He was pulling the leash. The lady let go of him and he ran towards me, jumping up at me. So happy! He was so cute. Or she, i don’t know.

Once inside the house i made some tea. I watched Buitenhof. Most was about the Ukraine – Russian war. Terrible what i saw about the ordinary civilians of suburbs of Kyiv lying dead on the streets where they used to live.

It is a strange time. As always.

Published on April 4, 2022 at 6:00 by