On beauty

I do not feel beautiful. Looking back on old photographs, i do see i was bit pretty. Serious. Nice. I do like this old photograph of me at four years old, smiling into the camera, made at kindergarten. The shiny curly blond hair, my arms holding the puppet, the flowery top with the white collar, the light coloured pants. Sweet.

I was overweight. I went to a dietician when i was around twelve years old. I lost most of the weight when i was around sixteen years. For the next ten years or so i stayed around the same, between 65 and 70 kilos.

The next photo i made myself. I was around twenty-three years old. This was in my first house, i went to art school. I enjoyed my life. I seriously look into the camera. My hair, darker and longer, is waving tousled around my head.

I like this photo. I look pretty. Young fresh skin. Serious yes. No make-up. A part of me desires to go back to this age, relive it all once again. The friends i made, the work i explored, the fun i had. But that is gone. That world has grown day by day into my world as it is right now. You live your life only in one way, into the future. No holding back.

This morning i read this article by Tavi Gevison with the title Britney Spears Was Never in Control Why did I ever believe a teen girl could hold all the power?. I recognized her name. I followed her web magazine Rookie years ago. She writes about beauty, growing up in the USA, being a white girl, being young, experience new things, men and women and abuse. She writes about changing her mind about what she thought and felt years before.

I noticed that “gray” and “complicated” were words I used to stop questioning whatever had happened, rather than to understand it. “Formative” revealed itself to mean “traumatic.” “Creep” or “bad guy” or “pervy but not Harvey Weinstein” now strike me as wildly nonspecific euphemisms for a danger that was too uncomfortable to grapple with at the time and that, again, prioritizes men’s identities over their actions. This slow-motion aftershock has been its own traumatic event.

I was twenty-eight years old when i first had sex with somebody else. We tried once or twice without penetration. I made the first step myself feeling aroused. We did it!

I never experienced any serious threat of sexual violence in my life. The men i liked were always nice and friendly. Not only after their own pleasure. But also not interested in me. I have difficulty understanding this interplay between men and women. I remember the different daydreams i had over the years, how they evolved over time. From abstract, only expressing a warmth, a feeling of being liked, to my current daydreams, much more realistic, with someone with whom i have an honest relation. But still not that clear.

Over my life i have grown more into myself, feeling more, understanding more. My dreams and wishes have grown with it. In a world in which i do not feel threatened, in which i do not need to defend myself. A world in which i enjoy myself, i confess. But also a world i wish i could escape from. I am not sure if i ever can escape. Away from myself.

I am growing older. I turned 57 years old almost two weeks ago. I notice the wrinkles in my face, my weight, the scars life has left upon me. It is all still me.

Published on March 12, 2021 at 6:00 by

More voting preparation

I am still struggling with th decision who to vote for next week in the House of Representatives Elections 2021. I know i am influenced by the recent events in Dutch politics. Naturally.

Never did it cross my mind i could actually vote for a right-wing party. But i must admit i really do admire Pieter Omtzigt [Dutch], member of the CDA the Dutch christian democratic party.

Today i watched the video embedded below, with David van Overbeek in conversation with Geerten Welling, historian and writer of the book called Zetelroof. The main focus of this talk is the role of the members of the House of Representatives. Are they under control of the party they belong to or are they independent thinkers. Pieter Omtzigt is talked about, his growing support in the Netherlands does change his role in the CDA. Curiosity on how this will develop in future is expressed.

This video is in Dutch.

Published on March 11, 2021 at 6:00 by

Moving back

Today, Tuesday 9 March, i will be moving back to the room i had in December. I did enjoy living here in the centre of Rotterdam, with a television. I will kinda miss it, but it’s fine.


Published on March 10, 2021 at 6:00 by

Molly Goddard

Molly Goddard (born 1988/1989)[1] is a London-based, British fashion designer. Goddard grew up in Ladbroke Grove and trained at Central Saint Martins with the intention of working for a fashion house, not thinking she could have her own brand. Her eponymous brand came “accidentally” in 2015 when she started to struggle at the school and threw a fashion party for friends with designs that soon became noticed and took orders.

The Woman Who Made Princess Dresses Punk

Molly Goddard website

Published on March 9, 2021 at 6:00 by


What is systematically ignored, however, is the question of what we should still understand by that sanctity without religion. The sacred is the name for that which inspires awe and determines our actions and actions, and this because we experience it as something greater and / or more important than we live in our subjective judgment and private well-being. We are not saying that this definition is complete, but at least it provides a characterization of the sacred in its psychic reality. The sacred is distinguished from the well-known “values” because the latter are understood as the result of an economic or moral evaluation of a free subject. The human being as subject is in that case the highest appreciative authority. On the other hand, the sacred is experienced as something that appeals to us and calls us to something; we are not the appreciative body here, but can at most respond to the call that in our experience emanates from the sacred self. The sacred animates us, not the other way around; that is the ethological reality of the sacred, whether it is a delusion from an external perspective or not is irrelevant.

Waar men evenwel stelselmatig aan voorbijgaat is de vraag wat we zonder religie nog onder die genoemde heiligheid dienen te verstaan. Het heilige is namelijk de naam voor datgene wat ons ontzag inboezemt en ons doen en laten bepaalt, en wel omdat we het ervaren als iets wat groter en/of belangrijker is dan wijzlef in ons subjectieve oordeel en particuliere welbevinden. We zeggen niet dat deze definitie volledig is, maar ze geeft in ieder geval een karakterisering van het heilige in zijn psychische realiteit. Het heilige onderscheidt zich van de welbekende ‘waarden’, omdat die laatste worden opgevat als het resultaat van een economische of morele waardering van een vrij subject. De mens als subject is in dat geval de hoogste waarderende instantie. Het heilige wordt daarnetegen ervaren al iets wat ons van zich uit aanspreekt en ons tot iets oproept; wij zijn hier niet de waarderende instantie, maar kunnen hooguit gehoor geven aan de oproep die in onze ervaring van het heilige zelf uitgaat. Het heilige bezielt ons, niet omgekeerd; dat is de ethologische realiteit van het heilige, of dat vanuit een uitwendig persepctief een drogbeeld is of niet doet niet ter zake.

Ad Verbrugge

Published on March 5, 2021 at 6:00 by

George Monbiot – “I love not man the less, but Nature more.”

George Monbiot

Published on March 4, 2021 at 6:00 by

House of Representatives Elections 2021

In two weeks time, 17 March 2021, the elections for the Dutch Tweede Kamer, the House of Representatives will be held. To be honest, i am not that much in politics, but at times i do read and watch video’s about it.

Over my life i have traveled through the whole left side of the political parties in the Netherlands; from the Communistic Party, to the Dutch Labour Party (PvdA), GreenLeft (GroenLinks) and for the past two elections the Party for the Animals (Partij voor de Dieren).

Today i did the test Stemwijzer for people to check what party best fits their view points. The two highest parties with both 71% results are GroenLinks and the PvdD for me.

One viable option for me is to stick to the Party for the Animals.

I did follow the childcare benefits scandal the past months. I am genuinely impressed by the interviews Renske Leijten, member of the SP, made on Wiebes and Blankestijn, her to the point questions, giving no time to the interviewees to settle after they could not answer a question with clarity. I think it is required of people in high office, either a minister or an officer in fiscals to have a clear memory of past events. I can imagine the anger in the interviewers being confronted with the unknowing of these officials.

I haven’t made up my mind yet. I’m not clear yet what i think of all the different programs. My doubt about what person to vote for is telling to me. Not the party, but the person is becoming more important to me.

Pieter Omtzigt is becoming a favorite of mine. The fact he is a member of the christian party CDA does make it a bit harder for me to decide to vote for him. I am still thinking and reading.

I leave you with some video clips with Renske Leijten and Pieter Omtzigt in it. All four are in Dutch.

Published on March 3, 2021 at 6:00 by