I am tired. Emotional. I talked with a couple of friends over the week. I cried. And my cat is not doing well at all. I expect the worst.
So i’m closing this week. I do hope that all my feelings and emotions are getting me somewhere. I also hope my thinking and rationality are getting me somewhere.
I will be back next week. I’m sure i will get out of this, i just need a bit of time. Salute!
Feeling a bit better today. Still emotional, after last Sunday’s conversation. It is rare when friends are really honest with me. I am still thinking about it, i do take it seriously. But i can not rule myself out, i also need to take my own points of view into consideration.
So here are just a few things i am reading and watching, in Dutch i’m afraid. I hope you like it.
This is where i am in the book Intimiteit written by Paul Verheaghe. On youtube i watched several clips with lectures from Verhaeghe. One i link here (in Dutch):
And this song as a bonus, cuz i love it.
I’m still a bit off after yesterday’s conversation. I leave it for today. Back tomorrow!
I only have five months until i have to leave my house. During the day i feel fine, but at night i feel so afraid at times. What if all i imagine will happen to me doesn’t happen? I only have around forty-five thousand euros left, only for a year of rent. What then? What if i need to find a job after that? Only a week ago i checked the rent apartments in the center of Rotterdam, the cheapest are a thousand euros a month, and most are more fifteen hundred. What if? What if?
Scared. Nightmares circling around my head. Deep dark thoughts enter my mind. What if?
What if i break? What if i can not follow through? What if i feel lost in this world? What if i stay this small and insignificant? What if?
I wrote the previous part yesterday. Or even on Friday. Last night i was thinking about this coming to the conclusion this was a complete mistake to write. I should be tough and try to break out and be confident.
This afternoon i spoke with two people about these things in the garden. I cried. Not because i am sad, but because i am emotional. Some truths were spoken. That i put too much faith in this website. I trust it too much. I can see that point.
I said that it was hard for me to reach an outspoken truth here on this site. That each time i feel i’m simply not getting to the point i want to make. That i need one chance. Only one. That i should grab it with both hands and not let go. That i am a woman. In our patriarchate world this means i am not fully heard or seen. This makes what i do very difficult, as i have masculine traits myself. As does any person on this world.
I can not let go. Not yet anyway. I still trust myself. Despite what my friends say.
* The image at the top of this post is the duckduckgo images page for searching for the word patriarchate.
It was Christmas time in the year 2000. At that time i was living in London. I was all by myself in the shared apartment, the other people living there were back home to celebrate Christmas with their families.
I had just bought the first four books of the Harry Potter series. I remember lying on my bed reading these books, completely enchanted.
Over the next few years i bought the new books straightaway after they had come out. I loved diving into each new book and read the new story written with such fun and dedication. I remember buying the latest book for my niece. She loved the books as well.
I have been re-reading the books over the years. The last time i read the books was earlier this year.
I love the films as well. The last two weeks i have been watching all the films once again. Each time i see them, i can see them more clearly with more attention for all the details. The final movie, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 i watched yesterday morning.
Until now each time i watched the movies, something new strikes me. It is like the story takes me away with it so i don’t notice all the little details of it. Yesterday i noticed the stone of resurrection very particularly, just before Harry met Voldemort in the forest and was killed. I did notice it before, of course, but i never really thought about it. I love to be swept away by the story. To my own detriment.
I do realize there are many criticisms to these books. Today i read the wikipedia page for Harry Potter, and yes, quite a few people have expressed dislike for certain aspects of the stories. A.S Byatt says: “secondary secondary world, made up of intelligently patchworked derivative motifs from all sorts of children’s literature … written for people whose imaginative lives are confined to TV cartoons, and the exaggerated (more exciting, not threatening) mirror-worlds of soaps, reality TV and celebrity gossip.” I understand this. But this is also exactly why i like the books. They are so close to our own world. There is of course no magic in our world, but on the other hand, there are still many wondrous landscapes and mountains and forests and buildings and animals and people in our world. And i know i could never have written stories like the Harry Potter stories. And they do get their inspiration from all over the place, yes, but it is still a wonderfully thought out travel through the teenager years.
So yes, i love the Harry Potter books and movies.
Around half past one i went out of my house and started my walk up to the garden. First i emptied my old paper bag in the special bin for paper. Then a few raindrops. Which only lasted for a minute or so. My head was still filled with the final Harry Potter movie i watched in the morning.
At the garden we first drank coffee and tea. Then we spread out. I went to the greenhouse and looked after the tomatoes. They were really heavy. I cut off some of the lower branches. After that i went out of the greenhouse and started cutting bits of plants besides the paths.
After this i started helping the others. I got out burdock root which grew over the path. Nasty pieces of burr got stock in my hair. Large roots which made me dig deep below the plant. I got them out though.
We harvested our first potatoes. I couldn’t resist taking some home with me. Yum! I seeded rocket and radishes in the space between the potatoes. Some more people arrived. We picked french beans, elderflower berries, red currants, lettuce, apples, tomatoes, potatoes and beetroot.
I was tired. I walked slowly back home. A good day of working!
I was sixteen years old. Together with my mother i went to our family doctor. My period was giving me cramps. I had met someone while i was on holidays. You never knew when it would happen, so birth control was a good option. It was 1980.
I got the pill. No need to add anything, everybody knew what it was. The pill. Not that i talked about it with other people. It just made sense that i had one. It was normal. And yes, my period didn’t give me anymore cramps.
That someone i had met fizzled away. There was a guy in school i fell in love with. We kissed a bit. But no sex. And when i went to the Technical University Delft nothing much changed. I made friends. There was one beautiful guy who i only looked at from a distance. And i kept on taking the pill. You never knew what would happen. I thought of myself as an average girl. It was bound to happen one day.
I moved into my own house when i was twenty-one. In Rotterdam. After a few months i started thinking: why take a pill each and every day for a pain i had only once a month? Yes, it was birth control, but i wasn’t having any sex. So after a few months i stopped with the pill. The cramps were not that bad really.
I had sex with someone when i was twenty-eight. We used condoms. The last time we had sex, the condom tore. So i took the morning-after pill. The one and only time i ever did.
Once we broke up, i remember thinking that i would be a bit more careful the next time. That i wanted to be in love the next time. Completely.
One time after that i did fell in love with someone else. He didn’t fall in love with me.
It all seems like such a long time ago. Only for around six years i used contraception. Because it was normal. The thing you do. Like, you wouldn’t want to get pregnant, right?
I still feel very happy i decided against continuing with the pill when i was in my early twenties. I don’t think i should ever have taken the pill for my cramps. There are other less invasive medicines i could have used for that.
As fot the literature about the pill, i haven’t dived into that. There are many sources online, a quick search will do. Or simply start with reading the wikipedia article about birth control.