Strong enough

That sledgehammer moment, more than five years ago, is still clear to me. That moment which shook my up, made me shiver, made me fall in love. Not with somebody i know, no. It is not the most important aspect of it to me. I have fallen in love with one or two other people since then. But only fleetingly. For like a week or two. Getting it over with quickly.

Working in the garden has taught me so much. About plants, about the schedule, about the compost, about the seeding, the harvesting. About the people too. Some of them i like as my friends. But it is all fleeting. Almost transparent.

I had a talk with a friend a couple of months ago. He told me i was not thinking straight. Delusional almost. He told me i was thinking that i was going to be saved through my website. He told me to give it up. A fantasy. Not real. I kept thinking about that talk for a long time. I remember crying. I remember at the end of the talk saying i am a woman. I am still not sure what to think of that talk.

I am feeling extremely determined. I am not budging. I feel almost like growling. I am not going along with all this. I am not agreeing. No no no no. I can see how i used to do this. Trying to find a place for myself. A place where i can feel happy. Feel loved. Feel free.

I still haven’t found it.

I know. Of course. The only possible place is with me. To find strength in myself. Power. Resistance. Intelligence.

Difficult. I do want to cave in at times. Simply keep on living, with not too much effort. Hide in the masses. Not being visible. Not being seen.

So i find myself here at the end of times. I do feel stronger. I just hope i’m strong enough. For what is coming. Of which i am not sure.

I only have hopes and fantasies and dreams guiding me. Most will not come true.

I have found myself. So happy i did.

Published on December 13, 2019 at 6:00 by

Your new life is going to cost you your old one

Your new life is going to cost you your old one. It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction. It’s going to cost you relationships and friends. It’s going to cost you being liked and understood. But it doesn’t matter. Because the people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side. And you’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward. And instead of like, you’re going to be loved. Instead of understanding, you’re going to be seen. All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are. Let it go.

Brianna Wiest

Published on December 11, 2019 at 6:00 by

Dutch Appeltaart

Today i baked the Dutch Appeltaart. Not for myself, but for a friend. Too sweet for me i confess. It is lovely of course. Filled with apples surrounded by a sweet baked dough. Cinnamon and vanille are the main tasty ingredients. Apart from the apples and the sugar and the flour. I used Goudreinette, the apple i use to make an applesauce most of the time. A sweet and sour apple which does cook easily to a pulp.

I used a recipe i found online on Eef kookt zo. In Dutch of course.

Ingredients

  • 1 kilo of Goudreinetten apples
  • 450 gr flour (any you want, i used a wheat flour which was partly freed of brown stuff
  • 250 gr butter on room temperature
  • 225 gr light brown sugar
  • 100 gr raisins – sultana’s are the ones i used
  • 2 eggs
  • 3 teaspoons of cinnamon
  • 1 teaspoon of vanille paste
  • salt
  • fresh lemon juice

Method

  1. Put the raisins in a bowl of warm water and let it sit for a couple of minutes
  2. Heat up the oven to 175ºC
  3. Mix the flour, butter, sugar, vanille paste, salt and one and a half egg until it is nice and compact
  4. Grease a springform of 23-25 cm wide in with butter and press in 3/4 of the dough in the form, going up all the sides
  5. Core the apples, peel them and cut them in small wedges. Put in a bowl with the freshly squeezed lemon juice. Pour the water away from the raisins and add them to the apples. Mix the apple and raisin misture with a spoon of sugar and the cinnamon.
  6. Fill the dough with the apples. Press down with a bit of force.
  7. Take the remaining dough and roll out to a thin layer, slice strips of it. Weave the strips over the appeltaart.
  8. Use the remaining quarter of the egg to brush over the dough at the top.
  9. Bake for an hour in the oven until it is golden brown
  10. Enjoy!

Published on December 10, 2019 at 6:00 by

About yesterday’s post

Yesterday’s result of throwing the I Ching did make sense to me. I do know that i made my own predicament possible. I know i can be lazy at times. I can escape in gaming, reading. Gardening even. Gardening does have many good effects though, so it is permissable. Reading can be a good book. Like the books i read over the summer.

So, work on what has been spoiled. A bowl in whose content worms are breeding. Yes yes, i love worms. They are my friends. But still, in your life you want to build something up. You want to achieve something. Worms have their uses and place. Not in my house!

Well.I do have some things to put right. For myself. Not the biggest thing. So yes, the taming power of the small. The force of the small. The power of the shadowy. That restrains, tames, impedes.

Only through gentleness that this can have a successful outcome.

Fitting. Fitting.

Published on December 3, 2019 at 6:00 by

Decay

18. Ku / Work on what has been spoiled [ Decay ]

above Kên KEEPING STILL, MOUNTAIN
below Sun THE GENTLE, WIND

The Chinese character ku represents a bowl in whose contents worms are breeding. This means decay. IT is come about because the gentle indifference in the lower trigram has come together with the rigid inertia of the upper, and the result is stagnation. Since this implies guilt, the conditions embody a demand for removal of the cause. Hence the meaning of the hexagram is not simply “what has been spoiled” but “work on what has been spoiled”.

THE JUDGMENT

WORK ON WHAT HAS BEEN SPOILED
Has supreme success.
It furthers one to cross the great water.
Before the starting point, three days.
After the starting point, three days.

What has been spoiled through man’s fault can be made good again through man’s work. IT is not immutable fate, as in the time of STANDSTILL, that has caused the state of corruption, but rather the abuse of human freedom. Work toward improving conditions promises well, because it accords the possibilities of the time. We must not recoil from work and danger-symbolized by crossing of the great water-but must take hold energetically. Success depends, however, on proper deliberation. This is expressed by the lines, “Before the starting point, three days. After the starting point, three days.” We must first know the cause of corruption before we can do away with them; hence it is necessary to be cautious during the time before the start. Then we must see to it that the new way is safely entered upon, so that a relapse may be avoided; therefore we must pay attention to the time after the start. Decisiveness and energy must take the place of inertia and indifference that have led to decay, in order that the ending may be followed by a new beginning.

THE IMAGE

The wind blows low on the mountain:
The image of DECAY.
Thus the superior man stirs up the people
And strengthens their spirit.

When the wind blows slow on the mountain, it is thrown back and spoils the vegetation. This contains a challenge to improvement. It is the same with debasing attitudes and fashions; they corrupt human society. His methods likewise must be derived from the two trigrams, but in such a way that their effects unfold in orderly sequence. The superior must first remove stagnation by stirring up public opinion, as the wind stirs up everything, and must strengthen and tranquilize the character of the people, as the mountain gives tranquillity and nourishment to all that grows in its vicinity.

Six in the beginning means:
Setting right what has been spoiled by the father.
If there is a son,
No blame rests upon the departed father.
Danger. In the end good fortune.

Rigid adherence to tradition has resulted in decay. But the decay has not yet penetrated deeply and so can still be easily remedied. It is as if a son were compensated for the decay his father allowed to creep in. Then no blame attaches to the father. However, one must not overlook the danger or take the matter too lightly. Only if one is conscious of the danger connected with every reform will everything go well in the end.

° Six in the fifth place means:
Setting right what has been spoiled by the father.
One meets with praise.

An individual is confronted with corruption originating from neglect in former times. He lacks the power to ward it off alone, but with able helpers he can at least bring about a thorough reform, if he cannot create a new beginning, and this also is praiseworthy.

9. Hsiao Ch’u / The Taming Power of the Small

above SUN THE GENTLE, WIND
below CH’IEN THE CREATIVE, HEAVEN

This hexagram means the force of the small–the power of the shadowy–that restrains, tames, impedes. A weak line in the fourth place, that of the minister, holds the five strong lines in check. In the Image it is the wind blowing across the sky. The wind restrains the clouds, the rising breath of the Creative, and makes them grow dense, but as yet is not strong enough to turn them to rain. The hexagram presents a configuration of circumstances in which a strong element is temporarily held in leash by a weak element. It is only through gentleness that this can have a successful outcome.

THE JUDGMENT

THE TAMING POWER OF THE SMALL
Has success.
Dense clouds, no rain from our western region.

This image refers to the state of affairs in China at the time when King Wên, who came originally from the west, was in the east at the court of the reigning tyrant Chou Hsin. The moment for action on a large scale had not yet arrived. King Wên could only keep the tyrant somewhat in check by friendly persuasion. Hence the image of many clouds, promising moisture and blessing to the land, although as yet no rain falls. The situation is not unfavorable; there is a prospect of ultimate success, but there are still obstacles in the way, and we can merely take preparatory measures. Only through the small means of friendly persuasion can we exert any influence. The time has not yet come for sweeping measures. However, we may be able, to a limited extent, to act as a restraining and subduing influence. To carry out our purpose we need firm determination within and gentleness and adaptability in external relations.

THE IMAGE

The wind drives across heaven:
The image of THE TAMING POWER OF THE SMALL.
Thus the superior man
Refines the outward aspect of his nature.

The wind can indeed drive the clouds together in the sky; yet, being nothing but air, without solid body, it does not produce great or lasting effects. So also an individual, in times when he can produce no great effect in the outer world, can do nothing except refine the expression of his nature in small ways.

Published on December 2, 2019 at 6:00 by