I go outside and make a walk five or six times a week. Usually for about an hour, an hour and a half. Today, Sunday 21 March, i made a walk to the Park next to the Euromast. I sat there, besides the maze made from short hedges. Children played in there, running around. The older kids were stepping over the hedges, the younger ones tried usually successfully. Some shouted for help from their parents. Close to the maze are two restaurants, both with a line of people waiting before the entrances to get something to eat or to drink. More people are sitting around the maze, some with dogs, some with children. Or both.

I like to look around while walking. At plants, flowers, houses, traffic, people. I like to pat dogs. If they let me of course. I have learned to ask permission. Some dogs are shy, others aggressive. Today i came across a cat being let out. The cat was looking around, hunting for plastic bags. The cat’s boss said he could call him and let me pat him, but i said the cat was too focused on what he chased.

I try to stay calm. Usually i succeed. Sometimes, once a month or so, when i am at home i feel a bit down, or confused. Going outside does help me.

Today i had a chat with Erik. What i want? To become world famous i said. I still do. Not sure i do believe it myself, stand behind it. And it is not about the being famous. It is just i believe there is something worthwhile in there. If i can stay calm, if i am able to simply talk with the people i meet about anything. Talk about little things, big things. How they are able to live in this world. This deplorable world. Well, something like that.

Strange how people can not believe me. Strange how they fill in their own story in what i say.


Published on March 22, 2021 at 6:00 by

A drizzle of rain

Today i made a walk through a drizzle of rain. I had the hood of my coat up. Sometimes i took it down to see if the rain had stopped, but it hadn’t. I walked through the Dakpark. There is a small area of vegetable gardens. I went in, had a short talk with the people working. I saw the chickens under the hedge and patted the orange and white cat.

I looked at the houses i walked past. And i thought. I remembered that one time i woke up in the middle of the night, my head filled with what i wanted to say, clear and bright. The next morning i had forgotten it.

I wasn’t upset about this. I thought that if i needed to know this, talk about this, i would remember it one day. And if not, i wouldn’t. So far, the memory didn’t return. It could be i was completely wrong, that it was just a fantasy dream of mine.

I’ll be back tomorrow!

Published on March 17, 2021 at 6:00 by

An ordinary Monday

This morning i got out of bed, around nine. I made my bulletproof coffee, with some butter and coconut oil. I checked feedly for the updates on blogs i follow, facebook, youtube. A new Simply Living Alaska today: How To Make Homemade Chicken Stock | Pressure Canning Your Own Broth at Home. A day’s work in Stardew Valley and then on to The Expanse. Halfway the third season at the time of writing – around half past five Monday afternoon. The first season is a bit hazy, i started out with it a couple of months ago, or maybe even years ago. It didn’t stick. But now, with my new months free Amazon Prime account i’m thoroughly enjoying watching it.

In the afternoon i took a shower and washed my hair. I didn’t go outside today.

Tomorrow, or the day after, i will go outside and make a walk and go to the voting office to cast my vote.

Published on March 16, 2021 at 6:00 by

On beauty

I do not feel beautiful. Looking back on old photographs, i do see i was bit pretty. Serious. Nice. I do like this old photograph of me at four years old, smiling into the camera, made at kindergarten. The shiny curly blond hair, my arms holding the puppet, the flowery top with the white collar, the light coloured pants. Sweet.

I was overweight. I went to a dietician when i was around twelve years old. I lost most of the weight when i was around sixteen years. For the next ten years or so i stayed around the same, between 65 and 70 kilos.

The next photo i made myself. I was around twenty-three years old. This was in my first house, i went to art school. I enjoyed my life. I seriously look into the camera. My hair, darker and longer, is waving tousled around my head.

I like this photo. I look pretty. Young fresh skin. Serious yes. No make-up. A part of me desires to go back to this age, relive it all once again. The friends i made, the work i explored, the fun i had. But that is gone. That world has grown day by day into my world as it is right now. You live your life only in one way, into the future. No holding back.

This morning i read this article by Tavi Gevison with the title Britney Spears Was Never in Control Why did I ever believe a teen girl could hold all the power?. I recognized her name. I followed her web magazine Rookie years ago. She writes about beauty, growing up in the USA, being a white girl, being young, experience new things, men and women and abuse. She writes about changing her mind about what she thought and felt years before.

I noticed that “gray” and “complicated” were words I used to stop questioning whatever had happened, rather than to understand it. “Formative” revealed itself to mean “traumatic.” “Creep” or “bad guy” or “pervy but not Harvey Weinstein” now strike me as wildly nonspecific euphemisms for a danger that was too uncomfortable to grapple with at the time and that, again, prioritizes men’s identities over their actions. This slow-motion aftershock has been its own traumatic event.

I was twenty-eight years old when i first had sex with somebody else. We tried once or twice without penetration. I made the first step myself feeling aroused. We did it!

I never experienced any serious threat of sexual violence in my life. The men i liked were always nice and friendly. Not only after their own pleasure. But also not interested in me. I have difficulty understanding this interplay between men and women. I remember the different daydreams i had over the years, how they evolved over time. From abstract, only expressing a warmth, a feeling of being liked, to my current daydreams, much more realistic, with someone with whom i have an honest relation. But still not that clear.

Over my life i have grown more into myself, feeling more, understanding more. My dreams and wishes have grown with it. In a world in which i do not feel threatened, in which i do not need to defend myself. A world in which i enjoy myself, i confess. But also a world i wish i could escape from. I am not sure if i ever can escape. Away from myself.

I am growing older. I turned 57 years old almost two weeks ago. I notice the wrinkles in my face, my weight, the scars life has left upon me. It is all still me.

Published on March 12, 2021 at 6:00 by

More voting preparation

I am still struggling with th decision who to vote for next week in the House of Representatives Elections 2021. I know i am influenced by the recent events in Dutch politics. Naturally.

Never did it cross my mind i could actually vote for a right-wing party. But i must admit i really do admire Pieter Omtzigt [Dutch], member of the CDA the Dutch christian democratic party.

Today i watched the video embedded below, with David van Overbeek in conversation with Geerten Welling, historian and writer of the book called Zetelroof. The main focus of this talk is the role of the members of the House of Representatives. Are they under control of the party they belong to or are they independent thinkers. Pieter Omtzigt is talked about, his growing support in the Netherlands does change his role in the CDA. Curiosity on how this will develop in future is expressed.

This video is in Dutch.

Published on March 11, 2021 at 6:00 by

Moving back

Today, Tuesday 9 March, i will be moving back to the room i had in December. I did enjoy living here in the centre of Rotterdam, with a television. I will kinda miss it, but it’s fine.


Published on March 10, 2021 at 6:00 by

Molly Goddard

Molly Goddard (born 1988/1989)[1] is a London-based, British fashion designer. Goddard grew up in Ladbroke Grove and trained at Central Saint Martins with the intention of working for a fashion house, not thinking she could have her own brand. Her eponymous brand came “accidentally” in 2015 when she started to struggle at the school and threw a fashion party for friends with designs that soon became noticed and took orders.

The Woman Who Made Princess Dresses Punk

Molly Goddard website

Published on March 9, 2021 at 6:00 by