Around nine i got out of bed. I took my medicine, put on some stay-at-home clothes, went downstairs and started to make breakfast. Pancakes with almond flour, one egg and some cream. Bacon sizzling in the pan, the thick batter on top of it and a slow cook for around five to seven minutes. I let out Robin. The moment i came down he looked at me from the bed he was lying on and walked quickly to the door of the terrace. Out! Out!
I ate my breakfast watching stuff on my iPad. Some links, some youtube clips, some facebook. A bit of Stardew Valley. I felt a bit lazy.
Assie and Ted appeared. I made some tea and drank it with a bit of pure chocolate. It was a bit chillier than yesterday.
For lunch i made a salad with spinach, some cherry tomatoes, half a bell pepper and a boiled egg. Yum. I went out for a short walk. An hour or so. I had my coat and a scarf on. In the sunshine i opened my coat, but in the shade and the wind i closed it all again. Chill.
Home again. I went upstairs. More Stardew. More youtube.
And my mind is running. I’m kissing someone, in my mind. Holding hands with someone. Smiling. I can not let it go. I talk to people, in my mind.
It is so close. So near. I don’t know what to do – or rather – i am afraid. Afraid to fail. Which is nonsense of course. I just have to be myself. Just have to be relaxed. Just have to pay attention to everything outside. No worry about me. I’m fine. I’m good. Outside is the place i need to worry about.
I was just lying on my bed, playing a bit. The thought of what wrote was on my mind. No, this is not what i want to say. This is not what i really really want. Of course i wish for love and friendship. Of course. And friendships i do have. Maybe not the best and most special kind, but still. I know many people who are kind and loving and do their best to live the best life they can. Am i doing that? Can i honestly say that?
That tarot card i picked yesterday, the heart with the three swords going through it, it shows unhappiness. Last Saturday i had a talk with Ted about my present situation. The pain i felt. The sadness of loosing my house. I felt tears in my eyes. I still remember the rooms, the kitchen, the bathroom, my sleeping room, my working place. I felt the joy of staying there, so close to the center. I felt the joy of living so close to the water. The quietness of the street. The view on the park on the other side of the water.
I don’t know what lies in future for me. I can only do my best. I can only try and pick the best road to travel. Do what feels right to me. Not be impatient. Especially not that.
I have to let it all go. Keep the memories. But live on, and try to make the best of it. As i know i can.