Categories for General

Working day

This morning i cooked the pumpkin. Just before eleven o’clock i went to the garden on the Hofbogen. Coffee! Stroopwafels! We cleaned up the bit besides the walking platform. I harvested the chard, the salad leaves, the parsley and the Newzealand spinach. We talked and smiled and laughed. Ooh and i slipt and fell. Wham! No major injury, but still, tomorrow i could have some tension in me shoulder and neck area.

This afternoon i baked the third cake. The vegan pumpkin cake. Daniël came by after five to get all three cakes for their presentation this evening.

And now i’m tired. But also a bit relieved. Today the money for the repair of my computer is transfered.

So, a good day. Yay!


Published on October 25, 2017 at 6:00 by

Inner Truth

Today i baked two cakes for tomorrow. A Jewish Apple cake. A Beetroot and Ginger cake. I will bake a third one tomorrow. The vegan Pumpkin cake. All three are for an event. And yes, i will get paid for them.

I also went to the library. Got a new book and watched chess. It was busy! Many people sitting around the chessboard. I had to leave after a bit, to get home for the cakebaking.

I wasn’t thinking about writing this post. I did yesterday. I enjoyed the Buitenhof broadcast i saw yesterday morning. Spain, Schiphol’s expansion and our lack of making a different way forward. Far away holidays, out industrial monoculture agriculture, all the superfluous packaging. In the past year and a half my life has changed so much, i can imagine this happening to so many other people. I am even thinking about wiping my bottom with cloth after a pee. Mostly for saving money, sure, only for the small wees, of course, but still, it is a big step. For me.

this evening i threw the I Ching. It’s been a while. I got Inner Truth, with a changing line on the third place. With the end sign The Taming Power of the Small. Nice ones.

It is nice sitting here on the couch typing this on the iPad.


Bye bye!

Published on October 24, 2017 at 6:00 by


Two weeks. Two whole weeks.

A broken computer got to me. Two weeks ago, on Saturday morning, i startend to upgrade my system. And i never finished it. A S.M.A.R.T. error. And me with my stupid head thought i could fix it. Of course not. Worse, my computer didn’t start up anymore.

My most recent password file is on my laptop. There is one on the backup of my iMac, a year old. Of course the two most important passwords didn’t work for me. My email and this website. I left it. A couple of days ago i got my email werking again. And today, Sunday, i resetted the password for this website.

I am using my iPad to post this. Which is fine for now. Luckily a friend will lend me the money to fix my computer. Hopefully this week.

Yes, this got to me. Bad. I do feel better now.


Published on October 23, 2017 at 6:00 by


On the whole i feel calm. At times i do get worried. Especially when i talk to other people. My mum, friends. Sometimes, when i walk on the street and i get spoken to, i say i don’t have any money. most people don’t really react to that. It is too far away from them. I understand that. Your own worries are always so much bigger than those from somebody else.

I don’t mind listening to people. Quite enjoy it, really. Learn from it. Some terrible things you hear though. Selfish selfish people doing abominable things to other people. Take away their money. Their stuff. Simply because someone didn’t really pay attention and gave it all to his girlfriend. Not married of course. No legal document. So it is all gone. When the girlfriend has died.

What the man said when we talked. Health. A clear mind. Waking up and going outside. Your head raised. Hmm, that last part is from me. Still. He is right.

But also sweet things. A man talked about his children. Three of them. And his seven grandchildren. All doing well. Made him feel happy. Good.

So yeah, the photo above is all my money. I thought i had a bit more on my bank account. But earlier this week i had a return of money, which made it possible for my energy bill to be paid. Four euros left. And i do need to buy ProZinc for the diabetes of my cat. Fifty five euros. Hmmm. It’ll last for around four months i think. Well. Thinking. Thinking.

This is difficult. Also, in November i need to pay Mediatemple for the the gridserver my website is hosted on. As it looks right now, i won’t be able to. And then of course my mortgage.

Calm. Serene. Don’t let it worry you. You have a life. You have your work in the gardens. You have friends. It won’t go all to pieces. And yes, if it does go to pieces, it is for a reason. To learn. To live through. You know that.

Well, if someone reads this and wants to help me, i won’t mind. Of course not.

You can send money to this bank number:

IBAN NL33 TRIO 0338 6788 24
Triodos bank

I will make a Friendship page on this website and send postcards or a drawing or something else which comes up in my mind to you if you send me me some money. Above ten dollars / ten euros i add. Below ten dollars / ten euros you will just be named on the friendship page as a sponsor. You can of course also use my Patreon page. That page is really quiet. I haven’t fully described what i will do for the people supporting me. I know, i should work on that soon!

So, calmness. A clear mind. Awareness of what could happen. But also faith in myself. In my own abilities. In my own strength.

Have a good weekend. Salute!

Published on September 22, 2017 at 6:00 by

A busy Monday

Last night, between Sunday and Monday, i hardly slept. I was in bed, tossing and turning. Around four i turned on the light and read a little. For fifteen minutes or so. To try to sleep after that. I did fall asleep eventually. To wake up really late. Of course. I got out of bed around ten in the morning. Still feeling tired.

I made my oatmeal porridge. Yum! Like i do each day, for the past couple of months. I turned on my computer and checked my e-mail. Played a little warcraft. Some questing, in Nagrand, with my level 65 death knight. For around half an hour or so. Then i took a shower. Washed my hair. Felt good. I don’t shower that much. Once a week usually. A bit later now. My hair was getting a bit greasy. And i started to feel my skin. Not especially dirty, but i could feel it sliding differently. So yes, clean and smelling fresh once again!

Listening to music after that. Singing along with some tracks. Daydreaming away. So clear. So much… here. And still, i’m still feeling that i shouldn’t go and look for work. I still feel i am doing the right thing. Working in the garden. Staring to play chess in the library. Talking with people. It is good. Good! Not really knowing how this will work out, but i know, deep down, i know for sure it will turn out right. I do trust myself. Completely.

Around two i did a quick blow dry of my bangs. I usually do this once i washed my hair. It’ll stay good for around thirty minutes. But i do like to do it. Then i went out. First i brought a package with my tv reception machine for KPN to the post counter in the supermarket. Since i have canceled my television subscription, i got this brown carton box from KPN to send it back. I do still watch television, but on my iPad or computer.

Then i went to the library. I did watch the end of a chess game before going to look for new books. Some people i know were sitting around the chess board.

Then i turned in the book i finished last night. I went up to the third floor, to the English section. Walked past the cupboards, looked for books by Philip K. Dick, but didn’t see any. Then i thought of the books written by Robert Jordan, the Wheel of Time series. I do have twelve books of that series myself. There were a couple more, and yay! i found them. Number thirteen Towers of Midnight and fourteen A Memory of Light. These books are not my favourite books, but still, i enjoyed the first ones. The ones in the middle are a bit boring. And it is really really long. Fourteen books. Pffff. Still, i am looking forward to reading the end part. Finally.

I went back to the chess game and watched another game. Not terribly exciting, i admit. Everyone plays differently. Defending. Attacking. Going for the small pawns, medium pieces. Or go straight to the king. Put pressure. Fight. Or not. Withdraw. Make a better set up for another attack. So many different variations. I like it. But i still have to learn so many things. Analyzing. Thinking more steps forward. It is good i found the courage to play chess with other people. Happy. So happy with that.

A quick run through the supermarket. Then home. And yes, i’m still a bit tired. It’s five o’clock. I lie on the couch for a bit. Read a little. But my eyes close after a while. I almost doze off. Almost.

Around six i get up and start making a salad for dinner. Kale, green beans, spring onions, feta, bacon. Nice.

The rest of the evening i watch television. De wereld draait door. Koken met van boven.

And now i’m sitting here, behind my computer. Typing this piece. A report of this day. Not a very special day. But also, a very special day. With special moments. So many special moments i don’t even talk about here. The smile i feel when i walk outside. Looking at other people. The joy when somebody looks back and smiles back. Small things. But still, important. In this small area in Rotterdam i live in.

I’m gonna add the photos to this post. And then it is time to go to bed. It is still early, but i don’t mind. I like to read in bed, watch some youtube clips. Anything.

Hopefully i sleep a bit more this night. I do feel tired. But that is no promise.

To you, when you read this tomorrow morning, i hope you will enjoy your day. Filled with work, family, friends, shopping, little talks, maybe big talks too!


Published on September 19, 2017 at 6:00 by


35. Chin / Progress


The hexagram represents the sun rising over the earth. It is therefore the
symbol of rapid, easy progress, which at the same time means ever widening
expansion and clarity.


PROGRESS. The powerful prince
Is honored with horses in large numbers.
In a single day he is granted audience three times.

As an example of progress, this pictures a time when a powerful feudal lord
rallies the other lords around the sovereign and pledges fealty and peace. The
sovereign rewards him richly and invites him to a closer intimacy.

A twofold idea is set forth here. The actual effect of the progress emanates
from a man who is in a dependent position and whom the others regard as
their equal and are therefore willing to follow. This leader has enough clarity
of vision not to abuse his great influence but to use it rather for the benefit of
his ruler. His ruler in turn is free of all jealousy, showers presents on the
great man, and invites him continually to his court. An enlightened ruler
and an obedient servant–this is the condition on which great progress


The sun rises over the earth:
The image of PROGRESS.
Thus the superior man himself
Brightens his bright virtue.

The light of the sun rises over the earth is by nature clear. The higher the sun
rises, the more it emerges from the dark mists, spreading the pristine purity
of its rays over an ever widening area. The real nature of man is likewise
originally good, but it becomes clouded by contact with earthly things and
therefore needs purification before it can shine forth in its native clarity.

I am not sure why i am throwing the coins for getting an I Ching sign once again. I used to do this many years ago. When i was still writing in a diary, pouring my thoughts out onto the paper. It grew less over time. Stale.

Not anymore. Not since i got this sledgehammer moment, now almost three years ago. But it is hard to keep myself going. It is hard to not let myself be drawn back into the normal working days of old. The money earning days.

It is strange that people around me, old friends and new friends, simply do not see the things i see. I try to tell them, but it is like talking to deaf men. Or women. I do think about it. I do think about what i was trying to say. And i see the complete misunderstanding of what i say. So clear. It all comes down to me. To say something clearly. Not to be misunderstood.

I hope i can manage that. To be clear in what i say. Close to me. Not denying myself, but also with an understanding of the position the listening person is in.

It is difficult.

Of course.

Published on September 14, 2017 at 6:00 by


For over two years i didn’t have any periods. Now, since a week and a half, i have cramps. A little blood. Not that much. Today, while i was sitting in the library watching chess, the cramps got worse. Man. And then i got nauseous. I stood up, walked to the restroom, but it is not free. A tearoom is right besides it, i asked a girl working there if i could use the restroom there, that i was getting sick.

Pfff. I walked out feeling a bit better. The girl, very friendly, offered me a glass of water.

I sat for a little while longer. After around ten minutes i went for a quick run in the supermarket. I didn’t feel good. I felt like a ghost walking carefully.

Back home i lied on the couch, still feeling cramps.

So, that was my day today. Hopefully one of the last times ever i have these cramps. I was so happy to get rid of them. Soon. Soon!

Published on September 5, 2017 at 6:00 by

A short holiday

I’m giving myself a holiday. The next two weeks i will be enjoying reading books, working in the garden, cooking and working ahead writing and making posts.

See you again on Monday 28 August.


Published on August 14, 2017 at 6:00 by


This morning i had to go out sober, with nothing eaten yet, to have my blood pricked. This week on Thursday i have an appointment with my doctor. Walking outside felt wonderful. Sun shining. A bit of wind. A quiet Monday morning.

Back home i made my breakfast. Oats porridge. With a bit of sugar. And some butter. And cinnamon.

This afternoon i cleaned up parts of the kitchen. The kitchen window. The plate rack. The cupboard beneath the sink. The cupboard next to it. Cleaning all the stuff inside. Putting more bowls underneath the sink. Vacuum cleaning my house. It felt good. Singing along with the music. Good too!

Thinking lots. It is becoming clearer. I do hope things will turn out right for me. I do hope i will find what i want to say. What i want to do.

I’m still walking to it. Every day is different. I feel different. Time moves on. Slowly.

I so very much hope.

Published on August 8, 2017 at 6:00 by


This morning there were several downpours. I watched the last episode of Top of the Lake season 2. Looking outside, listening to the rain a bit.

After that i sat behind my computer for a short while, making the newsletter of this week. Done! A bit of browsing, going through my facebook and twitter feed.

Thinking about kissing. That was almost intoxicating. Enchanting. Not kissing any one in particular. Simply kissing. Or more being kissed. This afternoon anyway.

Then i decided i wouldn’t go to the garden today. I wrote a message in the whatsapp group. The three main people wouldn’t be there either today. Quickly after that i got a message from Julien, asking me for my keys. Of course.

The Filosofisch Kwintet was a bit later. A ladies football game was canceled the night before and moved to this morning. So the Filosofisch Kwintet was moved to another channel and delayed in time. I watched it. It was OK. Nothing earth shattering.

This afternoon the weather got better. The sun came through. Blue sky in between the clouds.

I went to the supermarket. I needed milk. To make my oatmeal porridge with in the morning. I decided to go by the garden and treat everyone to kano’s.

I stayed much longer than i had anticipated. Did some harvesting. Showed some people around the fruit garden at Station Hofplein.

A good afternoon. When i got home i got all the bed cottons of and turned on the washing machine. Spend some time sewing back together the rip in the mattress cover, the molton.

Before zomergasten started i threw the I Ching. The first sign felt a bit general. Not too outside my current situation really. 3. Chun / Difficulty at the Beginning, with a changing 9 as the first, bottom line.

°Nine at the beginning means:
Hesitation and hindrance.
It furthers one to remain persevering.
It furthers one to appoint helpers.

If a person encounters a hindrance at the beginning of an enterprise, he must not try to force advance but must pause and take thought. However, nothing should put him off his course; he must persevere and constantly keep the goal in sight. It is important to seek out the right assistants, but he can find them only if he avoids arrogance and associated with his fellows in a spirit of humility. Only then will he attract those with whose help he can combat the difficulties.

With only the bottom line changing, this sign changes in to number 8. Pi / Holding Together. The same sign i got a few weeks ago. I do like it when this happens. Makes me read the text once again.

The rest of the evening i spend watching Eberhard van der Laan, the Amsterdam mayor, in zomergasten, summer guests, a three hour television show broadcasted in August since 1988. I had some critique, but still, Janine Abbring did a good job here talking with van der Laan. There was more attention, more listening, more open feeling in this evening than the one she spend last week with Rosanne Hertzberger. It touched me, especially towards the end.


Published on July 31, 2017 at 6:00 by