Categories for My story

Getting there

Getting there… a bit anyway.

The past weeks i’ve been thinking at times. Sometimes not thinking at all. I felt numb a few times. I told here it was hard.

The past two years and a half i have been working hard here on this website and on I dived into my past. I have shown you my old drawings, photos i used to make of myself. I have made walks. I worked in the garden. I cooked. I sang songs. I made video clips. Not all successful, no, but i made everything with my heart.

I know i got to deal with myself first. My head full of dreams. It is hard to get away from them. Especially at night. These dreams are becoming more real. It is not that i can make my head empty and live my life completely without dreams, without wishes, without hopes. That is the main reason i’m tempted by meditation. Not completely without, but still at times the serenity of silence. The quietness of a silent mind. Very tempting. So yes, i will keep on going forward with meditation.

And me? My life? The money i need to live in my apartment, to buy food. I hope it will sort itself out. Eventually.

Have a good weekend. Smile at people. Cook. Take some rest.


Published on February 24, 2017 at 6:00 by


Difficult days. I feel a bit numb. Thoughts of doubt come up. Like, i’m old. Well, not the youngest anymore. It is hard to look back on everything i’ve done here on and on I feel a bit empty.

But i do feel i need to keep on track. I do not want to give up. It is just hard right now. What do you expect, Ellen?

Published on February 23, 2017 at 6:00 by

The Army

I threw number 36 Ming I / Darkening of the light once more. This time though with three changing lines, all three in the bottom part of the hexagram.

Nine at the beginning means:
Darkening of the light during flight.
He lowers his wings.
The superior man does not eat for three days
On his wanderings.
But he has somewhere to go.
The host has occasion to gossip about him.

With grandiose resolve a man endeavors to soar above all obstacles, but thus encounters a hostile fate. He retreats and evades the issue. The time is difficult. Without rest, he must hurry along, with no permanent abiding place. If he does not want to make compromises within himself, but insists on remaining true to his principles, he suffers deprivation. Never the less he has a fixed goal to strive for even though the people with whom he lives do not understand him and speak ill of him.

° Six in the second place means:
Darkening of the light injures him in the left thigh.
He gives aid with the strength of a horse.
Good fortune.

Here the Lord of Light is in a subordinate place and is wounded by the Lord of Darkness. But the injury is not fatal; it is only a hindrance. Rescue is still possible. The wounded man gives no thought to himself; he thinks only of saving the others who are also in danger. Therefore he tries with all his strength to save all that can be saved. There is good fortune in thus acting according to duty.

Nine in the third place means:
Darkening of the light during the hunt in the south.
Their great leader is captured.
One must not expect perseverance too soon.

It seems as if chance were at work. While the strong, loyal man is striving eagerly and in good faith to create order, he meets the ringleader of the disorder, as if by accident, and seizes him. Thus victory is achieved. But in abolishing abuses one must not be too hasty. This would turn out badly because the abuses have been in existence so long.

I’m not sure. I do see similarities with my current situation. At the moment i am trying to find a bit more peace and quiet, mainly in myself. It is hard. Like, just yet, i listened to classical music. My favorite Rudolf Escher. I had almost forgotten that i still had to write this post for tomorrow. My mind still moves on like a steamroller. Very hard to keep it still. It seems really important.

The coins ended up with sign number 7. Shih / The Army.

7. Shih / The Army


This hexagram is made up of the trigrams K’an, water, and K’un, earth, and thus it symbolizes the ground water stored up in the earth. In the same way military strength is stored up in the mass of the people–invisible in times of peace but always ready for use as a source of power. The attributes of the two trig rams are danger inside and obedience must prevail outside.
Of the individual lines, the one that controls the hexagram is the strong nine in the second place, to which the other lines, all yielding, are subordinate. This line indicates a commander, because it stands in the middle of one of the two trigrams. But since it is in the lower rather than the upper trigram, it represents not the ruler but the efficient general, who maintains obedience in the army by his authority.


THE ARMY. The army needs perseverance
And a strong man.
Good fortune without blame.

An army is a mass that needs organization in order to become a fighting force. Without strict discipline nothing can be accomplished, but this discipline must not be achieved by force. It requires a strong man who captures the hearts of the people and awakens their enthusiasm. In order that he may develop his abilities he needs the complete confidence of his ruler, who must entrust him with full responsibility as long as the war lasts. But war is always a dangerous thing and brings with it destruction and devastation. Therefore it should not be resorted to rashly but, like a poisonous drug, should be used as a last recourse.


In the middle of the earth is water:
The image of THE ARMY.
Thus the superior man increases his masses
By generosity toward the people.

Ground water is invisibly present within the earth. In the same way the military power of a people is invisibly present in the masses. When danger threatens, every peasant becomes present in the masses. When danger threatens, every peasant becomes a soldier; when the war ends, he goes back to his plow. He who is generous toward the people wins their love, and a people living under a mild rule becomes strong and powerful. Only a people economically strong can be important in military power. Such power must
therefore be cultivated by improving the economic condition of the people and by humane government. Only when there is this invisible bond between government and people, so that the people are sheltered by their government as ground water is sheltered by the earth, is it possible to wage a victorious war.


Published on February 22, 2017 at 6:00 by


A quiet day today. I did go to the garden to empty my compost bucket. After that i went to the supermarket Jumbo and got some bread, peanut butter, sunflower oil. In the Italian shop i got olive oil. I’m making an onion soup right now. The onions, seven cloves of garlic and some celery are on the stove for an hour and a half. They are still not brown. But really soft.

Tonight there is a home owners meeting in my house. I have already told that i don’t have coffee or cookies in the house. Tea and water. That is it.

I have cleaned up my house more. The toilet. My couch. Put my freshly washed laundry away in the cupboard.

I am reading the party program of the Partij van de Dieren. I do agree with their economical chapter. With most chapters really. A very high chance i will vote for them in the upcoming Dutch election 15 March.

I still feel quiet. I’m thinking, or rather, let the dust settle down a bit.


Published on February 17, 2017 at 6:00 by

The little things

For breakfast i made myself some oatmeal porridge.

I played a little warcraft after that. Doing quests in Aszhara, exploring it at the same time. I love that area.

I ironed my clothes. I’m such a slob. These clothes were hanging in my backroom for like six months or so. Summer clothes. I also mended the pink shirt, a small section of the neck area was getting loose. Luckily i had some pink thread. I also went further with my handkerchief i started yesterday. Finished up the orange thread i was using. I will change color for the next bit. Red. Or light blue.

For lunch i made an omelet with onions and bacon and spinach and feta and two eggs. Half an avocado on the side.

I am still thinking about the e-mail i want to write. I collected the books i want to return. I’ve had them for around 35 years maybe? Way too long. One book is from Ayn Rand: The Fountainhead. I read it a couple of times. I did enjoy it. But it is time to give it back. The e-mail? Hmm… tomorrow. Yes tomorrow!

I did just vacuum cleaned the house. That was needed! It looks a bit better now, i’m happy to say. Still, i need to get my old loudspeakers to the cellar. They are broke. I also need to get some old paper to the paper container. The bag is overflowing. And i need to empty my compost bucket. Tomorrow.


I think i will do a washing of clothes today. So many things to do tomorrow.

Ooh! This morning when i put on my onesie and i found out the zipper was broke. But when i took it off and put on my normal clothes, i checked again, pushed and pulled a little and hey! i fixed it. Yay!

Published on February 16, 2017 at 6:00 by

Doing small things

This morning i made my breakfast. The past weeks i make a double egg omelet with bacon, cottage cheese and spinach. I read a bit after that, the Philosophy of the I Ching. Then i went sitting behind my computer. Going through my mail – mostly spam. Looking at facebook to see if there is anything going on. Going through twitter as well. Then a bit of World of Warcraft. For an hour or so.

I made an oatmeal porridge for lunch. Some raisins, a bit of cinnamon, some palm sugar and a knob of butter. Yum.

The market next. I’m gonna make myself some onion soup this week. So i bought a kilo of onions, three knobs of garlic and some Elstar apples. The Albert Heijn next, buying some broth cubes, beef, vegetable and chicken. Eggs. An avocado.

I was thinking about some things i want to do. Some e-mails i want to write. Several. And i want to make a handkerchief, all by hand.

So when i got home i put everything i bought out of the bag in its proper place. Then i got the old torn bed linen out of the cupboard and cut out a square piece. I picked an orange thread and started to make a rolled edge. This is quite a lot of work, i only did around five centimeters. I will go on tomorrow.

I was wondering if the fabric of the old bed linen is fine enough for a handkerchief. I could make little pockets with it too, to put in seeds or nuts or anything else. Not sure.

After i stopped i wrote one e-mail. Inviting a friend to the garden. The first time i’m doing that. I do hope she will come.

A short phone call with my client about the current assignment. Still doing preliminary work on it, in a week or two i will get the final texts to work with. But in the next two weeks i can work on the cover, the preface, look at the house style elements and colors carefully and decide what elements i want to incorporate.

I did have a cup of tea around four o’clock. I first made myself a rye open sandwich with appelstroop. Then another two open sandwiches with peanut butter. I was hungry! That means only a cup of pea soup for diner.

Not sure what i will do this evening. Read a bit more. Watch a bit of tv. Just be quiet. Like, yesterday, i danced! Woah! Thoughts rushed in my head. I might watch a movie. Still plenty of time to decide.

Bye bye!

Published on February 15, 2017 at 6:00 by


My mum, with me on her hand. My sisters to the sides. Two aunts. This photo was taken in Vlaardingen, the town where i was born.

I’m around five years old here, 1969 or 1970.

I took this photo in the past weekend, when i visited my mum. We were going through her old photos together.

Published on February 6, 2017 at 6:00 by

After Completion

Today i have worked on my new videoclip. In which i sing a song. On my own. First i thought i would finish it in one day. But no. Copying took a long time. Filming did too. And in the back of my mind i knew one day was really short. So i have given myself another day to work on it. And make some more clips.

I can only make it the best i can possibly make. Sing the best i can possibly sing. It is hard. But i have to do this.


36. Ming I / Darkening of the light


Here the sun has sunk under the earth and is therefore darkened. The name of the hexagram means literally “wounding of the bright”; hence the individual lines contain frequent references to wounding. The situation is the exact opposite of that in the foregoing hexagram. In the latter a wise man at the head of affairs has able helpers, and in company with them makes progress; here a man of dark nature is in a position of authority and brings harm to the wise and able man.


It furthers one to be persevering.

One must not unresistingly let himself be swept along by unfavorable circumstances, nor permit his steadfastness to be shaken. He can avoid this by maintaining his inner light, while remaining outwardly yielding and tractable. With this attitude he can overcome even the greatest adversities. In some situations indeed a man must hide his light, in order to make his will prevail inspite of difficulties in his immediate environment. Perseverance must dwell in inmost consciousness and should not be discernible from without. Only thus is a man able to maintain his will in the face of difficulties.


The light has sunk into the earth:
Thus does the superior man live with the great mass:
He veils his light, yet still shines.

In a time of darkness it is essential to be cautious and reserved. One should not needlessly awaken overwhelming enmity by inconsiderate behavior. In such times one ought not to fall in with the practices of others; neither should one drag them censoriously into the light. In social intercourse one should not try to be all-knowing. One should let many things pass, without being duped.


° Six in the fifth place means:
Darkening of the light as with Prince Chi.
Perseverance furthers.

Prince Chi lived at the court of the evil tyrant Chou Hsin, who, although not mentioned by name, furnished the historical example on which this whole situation is based. Prince Chi was a relative of the tyrant and could not withdraw from the court; therefore he concealed his true sentiments and feigned insanity. Although he was held a slave, he did not allow external misery to deflect him from his convictions. This provides a teaching for those who cannot leave their posts in times of darkness. In order to escape danger, they need invincible perseverance of spirit and redoubled caution in their dealings with the world.

63. Chi Chi / After Completion


This hexagram is the evolution of T’ai PEACE. The transition from confusion to order is completed, and everything is in its proper place even in particulars. The strong lines are in the strong places, the weak lines in the weak places. This is a very favorable outlook, yet it gives reason for thought. For it is just when perfect equilibrium has been reached that any movement may cause order to revert to disorder. The one strong line that has moved to the top, thus effecting complete order in details, is followed by the other lines. Each moving according to its nature, and thus suddenly there arises again the hexagram P’i, STANDSTILL. Hence the present hexagram indicates the conditions of a time of climax, which necessitate the utmost caution.


AFTER COMPLETION. Success in small matters.
Perseverance furthers.
At the beginning good fortune.
At the end disorder.

The transition from the old to the new time is already accomplished. In principle, everything stands systematized, and it is only in regard to details that success is still to be achieved. In respect to this, however, we must be careful to maintain the right attitude. Everything proceeds as if of its own accord, and this can all too easily tempt us to relax and let thing take their course without troubling over details. Such indifference is the root of all evil. Symptoms of decay are bound to be the result. Here we have the rule indicating the usual course of history. But this rule is not an inescapable law. He who understands it is in position to avoid its effects by dint of unremitting perseverance and caution.


Water over fire: the image of the condition
Thus the superior man
Takes thought of misfortune
And arms himself against it in advance.

When water in a kettle hangs over fire, the two elements stand in relation and thus generate energy (cf. the production of steam). But the resulting tension demands caution. If the water boils over, the fire is extinguished an its energy is lost. If the heat is too great, the water evaporates into the air. These elements here brought in to relation and thus generating energy are by nature hostile to each other. Only the most extreme caution can prevent damage. In life too there are junctures when all forces are in balance and work in harmony, so that everything seems to be in the best of order. In such times only the sage recognizes the moments that bode danger and knows how to banish it by means of timely precautions.

Published on January 31, 2017 at 6:00 by


K’un – Oppression (Exhaustion)

47. K’un – Oppression (Exhaustion)

above Tui The Joyous, Lake
below K’an The Abysmal, Water

The Judgement

Oppression. Success. Perseverance.
The great man brings about good fortune.
No blame.
When one has something to say,
It is not believed.

Times of adversity are the reverse of times of success, but they can lead to success if they; befall the right man. When a strong man meets with adversity, he remains cheerful despite all danger, and this cheerfulness is the source of later successes; it is that stability which is stronger than fate. He who lets his spirit be broken by exhaustion certainly has no success. But if adversity only bends a man, it creates in him a power to react that is bound in time to manifest itself. No inferior man is capable of this. Only the great man brings about goof fortune and remains blameless. It is true that for the time being outward influence is denied him, because his words have no effect. Therefore in times of adversity it is important to be strong within and sparing of words.

The Image

There is no water in the lake:
The image of Exhaustion.
Thus the superior man stakes his life
On following his will.

When the water has flowed out below, the lake must dry up and become exhausted. That is fate. This symbolizes an adverse fate in human life. In such times there is nothing a man can do but acquiesce in his fate and remain true to himself. This concerns the deepest stratum of his being, for this alone is superior to all external fate.

The Lines

() Nine in the fifth place means:
His nose and feet are cut off.
Oppression at the hands of the man with the purple knee bands.
Joy comes softly.
It furthers one to make offerings and libations.

An individual who has the good of mankind at heart is oppressed from above and below (this is the meaning of the cutting off of nose an defeat). He finds no help among the people whose duty it would be to aid in the work of rescue (ministers wore purple knee bands). But little by little, things take a turn for the better. Until that time, he should turn to God, firm in his inner composure, and pray and offer sacrifice for the general well-being.

40. Hsieh – Deliverance

above Chên The Arousing, Thunder
below K’an The Abysmal, Water

The Judgement

Deliverance. The southwest furthers.
If there is no longer anything where one has to go,
Return brings good fortune.
If there is still something where one has to go,
Hastening brings good fortune.

This refers to a time in which tensions and complications begin to be eased. At such times we ought to make our way back to ordinary conditions as soon as possible; this is the meaning of “the southwest.” These periods of sudden change have great importance. Just as rain relieves atmospheric tension, making all the buds burst open, so a time of deliverance from burdensome pressure has a liberating and stimulating effect on life. One thing is important, however: in such times we must not overdo our triumph. The point is not to push on farther than is necessary. Returning to the regular order of life as soon as deliverance is achieved brings good fortune. If there are any residual matters that ought to be attended to, it should be done as quickly as possible, so that a clean sweep is made and no retardations occur.

The Image

Thunder and rain set in:
The image of Deliverance.
Thus the superior man pardons mistakes
And forgives misdeeds.

A thunderstorm has the effect of clearing the air; the superior man produces a similar effect when dealing with mistakes and sins of men that induce a condition of tension. Through clarity he brings deliverance. However, when failings come to light, he does not dwell on them; he simply passes over mistakes, the unintentional transgressions, just as thunder dies away. He forgives misdeeds, the intentional transgressions, just as water washes everything clean.

Published on January 25, 2017 at 6:00 by


Alberto Giacometti – 10 October 1901 – 11 January 1966 – is one of the artists i knew before i went to art school. I went to La Grande Parade, the goodbye exhibition of the Stedelijk Museum Amsterdam director Edy de Wilde. Giacometti’s work was part of this collection. I’m not sure i saw it clearly at the time. But it did stay with me.

A year later there was an exhibition in the Haags Gemeentemuseum in The Hague from 1 March till 12 May 1986. I still see images in my head of walking through these exhibition. Drawings, paintings and sculpture were shown here. I bought the catalogue and read it thoroughly back home.

Over the years my admiration for Giacometti has faded. I still love his work, yes, but it doesn’t play a big part in my life. Still, a few thoughts have stayed with me.

My first year in art school was fantastic. I loved working for all the different subjects taught. I initially went there with the thought i would go into graphic design, but i switched. Painting! So that was my second year. I failed horribly. I got a big zero, a big null from my painting teacher. So the next year i had to switch. Monumental and photography. Better choices. I was getting more into political oriented art, current affairs art. I liked Gilbert & George, Jeff Koons, Andy Warhol. Not that i completely understood why they made their work, but still.

When i had finished art school, with a proper diploma, i had a couple of years of care of the government. Those were the easy times. One or two assignments. The organization of Sexposition with a friend from art school. But i didn’t feel comfortable in the art world. So i jumped out, in 1994, when i got the opportunity to get a proper job and earn my own living.

Giacometti by that time was far back over the horizon. My time was spend with computers. I started working on my own website in 1997. And that was it. I found my way.

So i’m not sure why i picked Giacometti as a post last week. I have the one for Andy Warhol still standing as a draft. But that one requires more work. This one is a bit easier. I think. Not sure.

I always enjoyed his paintings more than his sculpture. Even though he is more well known for his sculpture. Maybe because it seems more finished? The sculptures are rough. You can see the manual labour in them, but they still appear before your eyes as a piece complete in itself. The drawings and paintings are sketchy. Lines are not used to depict all the textures and shapes of the visible world, but to almost write a person. The drawing or painting is not a world on its own, with its two dimensional depiction. It is an active looking into this world, into the objects and subjects of it.

A few thoughts have stayed with me. One is that when i am old with my life mostly finished, i will return to drawing and painting. Right now, i am not sure about this. I don’t know if this is still a true thought. I don’t know what i’ll be doing once i’m old. Still have a lot of life to live. I’m not planning my life all beforehand. I like some surprises!

I also see in Giacometti’s work someone struggling. To make an honest portrayal of what he understand this world to be. I hope he has felt he has succeeded several times. Not that success is the one and only measure of a life and a work. The work itself, the effort put into it counts too. I should know.

In 1945, while watching a film, Giacometti reports an equally important influence that prompted not only a change in his perception, but also made him “want to try to represent what [he] saw.”34 As he watched a film in a Parisian movie theatre, instead of recognizing the forms and shapes on the screen, he saw “only black and white specks shifting on a flat surface.35 The film, he realized, was only an imitation of three-dimensionality.36 When he turned to other members of the audience, he saw the same two-dimensionality, realizing that his “vision of the world had been photographic, as it had been for almost everybody, and that a photograph. . .cannot truly convey reality. His perception was totally altered, punctuated by the knowledge that until then, he had not experienced this reality. Having experienced both the photographic perception that most people possess, as well as a perceptual revelation that awakened a “truer” reality, Giacometti sought thereafter to convey his new way of viewing the world. His aesthetic was to represent his own reality.

Giacometti recognized the need to base his work in physicality, but also to convey what he came to understand as a unique visual method. His overarching goal was to find the most essential truth in the human, and to make use of outer appearances to convey that special truth. His search for truth, which he defined as the primary project of his life, was pursued through the lens of his personal vision. Except for his Surrealist period, Giacometti worked from a model, struggling to bring to the surface the inner force he felt in the human figure. He spent extended time studying his model before he attempted to paint or sculpt him or her, and was infamous for forcing even young children to remain perfectly still in order for him to feel, through his sight, their interiors. His gaze was so scrutinizing that one sitter described it as veritably tangible force, as if “Giacometti’s hands were actually touching his face.”

Source: The Personal Vision of Alberto Giacometti

I picked only a few photos i found while searching the internet. Larger ones. And mostly paintings and drawings. One sculpture: a woman, standing. I like that one.

A sculpture



The books i have

Published on January 20, 2017 at 6:00 by