Categories for My story

All the choices i made have defined my life. Minor choices, major choices. Go left or right. Work or don’t work. Sell my house.

One choice was to get back to working online. I stopped in 2006. At first hesitant, but within a couple of years working online grew more to the background, till it turned out of sight. In October 2014 i got back into it.

So, here I am. Not entirely sure which way is the best. The only way forward I see is to follow my own heart. Which is a bit scary, truth be told. But i think i can handle myself. Finally.

Source

I made a few javascript presents. Experimenting a bit, getting a feel for the field. In January 2015 i wrote a post called About. That was it. My last present on lfs.nl.

And now it is November 2021. I have sold my house, almost four years ago. I lived of the money i made then up until now. Sometimes i think i should have rented a room in my old house, or have waited a while and made much more money. But that is all in the past, long gone. I gotta deal with what i have done in the past, not regret the decisions i have made. No use.

The past weeks, ever since i moved into this house i am living in for now, i was lying awake a couple of hours each night, feeling afraid of what is lying ahead of me. Despair. The feeling of the coming time as a time destitute of meaning, me loosing everything i have, me living on the streets.

During the days i felt better. But at night these anxious feelings crept over me. This week though it was less. The idea of writing a post which will spread over the world is still in me. I’m not sure this post is what i had in mind. I gotta let go for a bit to write something i think is valuable.

I am not going into working at the garden anymore. I do visit sometimes, usually at Fridays. Tomorrow, Friday, i will be going there. I will drink a cup of tea and then i will go to Spirit and drink some coffee or eat smething and read a newspaper. I try to keep things normal as long as possible.

It does feel i am crawling further. Slow to the ground. Keeping aware of a couple of things that gets mentioned on facebook and twitter. Aware that for most people this world is like a hellhole. And other people unaware of that. I am not sure which way to go.

It is odd to me that i haven’t found a boyfriend over the years. It’s not i do need a boyfriend, i am at ease on my own. But over the years i have felt attracted to some people. It just never worked out. And i outgrew each time i fell for somebody. The last time i fell something for somebody is years ago. And still, i’d love to be with somebody. Someone to talk with, cuddle with, cook for, kiss with, have sex with. But i am picky.

I still hope i will find someone. Will find some happiness in this world. Will find work i enjoy doing. Hopefully.

Monday
To be honest, i don’t fully remember what i did last Monday. I might have gone out and emptied the compost bin. Pretty sure i did that. After that i walked back home through the park. I set the compost bin downstairs and went on to the supermarket. Other than that, i read, watched youtube, a bit of tv. Monday it is Silent Witness time. Enjoyed that.

Tuesday
I went outside and walked into the centre and brought back a book to the library. I ate some Turkish meat with garlic and hot sauce. I walked up to Spirit where i sat down and had a small plate of food and read a newspaper, the Trouw. I went home taking the bus.

Wednesday
This day i did a rare thing, i went to the cinema. Dune is a movie which has been on my radar for two years or so. The day before i walked past a cinema and the thought came up to see if there was one just starting. It wasn’t. But the thought stuck and the next day i went to another cinema at 13:00 and enjoyed watching this movie. A bit much, lots of sound and big big space ships and vast desert vistas. But i have the Dune books for around forty years and reread them multiple times. I felt happy when i walked out of the cinema.

Thursday
In the afternoon i took a shower, washed my hair. Nothing much more.

Friday
In the morning i walked to the garden and drank a cup of tea. After that i went to Spirit once again, drank coffee and had osawa cake. Not entirely fitting with my keto diet, it is more of a guilty pleasure. In the evening i watched Gardener’s World!

Saturday
In the morning i walked to the Harvest Market. The weather was good, but i knew rain was predicted for the afternoon. Around one i went back home. I watched Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy late in the afternoon early in the evening.

Sunday
Today its a slow day. I did went out to go to the AH to get some things to eat. But stayed at home the rest of the day.

This week Thursday 7 October i will move to another place. It is only ten minutes away from where i am living now. I can stay there for around six months. Not too expensive. And it is a place where i live by myself. Looking forward to that. Really!

I am not sure how i feel about abortion. For me right now it is no longer an issue, since i can not get pregnant anymore. I’m also quite careful with myself. I did not have penetrative sex with anybody for the past 28 years. But when i was younger i was taking the pill for five years. Taking the pill. Simple words for something not so simple at all. When i was around 21 or 22 years old i stopped taking it. I wasn’t having sex, i felt i was putting these hormones in my system each and every day for no reason at all. Well, apart from my period. But once i stopped with them i found out my period wasn’t giving me the aches i had when i was younger. So that was that.

In 1993 i had a short relationship of around two months. The last time we had sex the condom broke. My partner suggested to me to take a morning after pill. Which i did. I didn’t want to get pregnant. Of course i was uncertain i was pregnant at all, but to be sure i felt it was a passable thing to do. I never had any thoughts about having a abortion ever in my life. I’m happy to say.

What would i have done if i was pregnant? In the ideal situation i would be in a steady relationship and i would have gotten the child. But if not, what would i have done? I don’t know. I have been thinking about this for the past few years. Or rather, thinking about why i never got a child, why i never got a boyfriend. Was i too picky? Was i setting myself up with too high demands? Didn’t i have a child wish?

I don’t think i had. I’m leaving behind the question why i didn’t have a boyfriend to another post, or not talk about that at all. A child of my own. No, that wasn’t in my system. I cried over it one time in my early 40s. The past few years i thought about this once again and i do feel sorrow over this. Sorrow my life will not be the usual life most people experience, of having a relationship, having children growing up in your care.

While i’m writing this i do feel tears coming up. But i am not full of regret. I can accept this as a fact, as a consequence of my own choosing how to live my own life. I can see the different roads a life can take. I took a different path than the one most people take.

I do feel the need to be more careful with me take on abortion. I’m not against it, but i am also not in favour of it. Sex and procreation are basically the same thing. The use of the pill, over the past sixty years has build a division between them. Nowadays people are used to having sex with no consequences at all. And when a little accident happens, something that doesn’t fit into your life, you get rid of it. I find myself doubting my own views from when i was so much younger, when i was so very much pro abortion, in an idealized sense of course. On the whole i do criticize my own thoughts from those days, my 20s and 30s mostly. I don’t think i was actually thinking my thoughts in that time. Simply repeating the things i heard around me, making a selection of the best sounding thoughts.

Right now i am trying to stay clear of having my own set of thoughts. I am trying to listen more, stay quiet and pay attention what other people are saying, without letting these thoughts taking me over.

Strange how ones life can develop over time.

I enjoy watching Escape to the Country. I do think earlier, a couple of years ago, i would like to live in a house like those shown in there. Especially the above 600k pounds one of course. But lately, for the past couple of months, i do realise i do not want this. Not anymore. I do not want the peace and quiet. I do not want the lazy drawn out afternoons. I do not want to walk outside over the fields and the footpaths. Not anymore.

I put on weight. I drank a bottle of wine each day. This lasted until 2011, when i got the diagnosis of diabetes 2. I didn’t think much about it at first. I took my medicines. I did stop drinking that much, but still a bottle of wine each week. I have lost around twenty kilos, i’m happy to say. The final ten are a pain, but i do hope i will manage somehow. And around two years ago i stopped drinking alcohol pretty much all together. Two bottles a year, one for Christmas, one for my birthday. And i might even stop with those. Together with the ketogenic diet i do feel i’m stopping the development of the diabetes somehow. And getting healthier at the same time.

I haven’t been working in the garden for the last few months. I’m not sure why. It does feel like i should take a bit more distance, decide what i want to do there, if anything. It feels like i should make some important decisions. Some decisions i can not talk about with other people. Yes that is it. I do feel something looming over me. The past two weeks i have not been my usual cheery self. I am stuck in front of something. I do need to determine what direction i want to move into. It is all a bit muddy inside my head. But it should clear up over time.

Today my house lord left for a week holiday in Paris. I will be alone for a week. I want to use this week to reflect on my current situation and which path forward to go into.

I hope you will have a good weekend. Salute!

I’m still not sure what my next move will be. Well, apart from the drawing of course. It does take time. I need to have a clear head on what i want to draw. Stop halfway an idea and jump to the next one. I love it.

This Sunday i had a talk with an old garden friend. He had met a love interest through tinder. He wasn’t a big fan, but said that through corona and the lack of places to meet new people, he had caved in and actually met someone he really liked. He did have me thinking for a short time.

But i am not that actively looking for a love interest. It is on my mind, sure. But it’s alost like it guides me through this world. These feelings i feel deep inside. This longing i have. I do want to get out of it. Step outside it. Become clear headed. Get my life in order. Face the world and talk and smile and laugh and work. And then maybe meet someone who i like, feel attracted to, can talk with about anything really and cuddle with and prepare food for. Just normal things. But also not ordinary. Special.

That is my dream.
Something of me.
Something of the world outside.
Something with somebody else.

My dreams and wishes are a big part of my life. Too big really. I hope one day soon i will be too busy to dream my life away. Too busy talking to people, too busy getting my mind made up. Too busy shaping my life. I can feel my mind changing. Not fast, no. Slowly and steadily, yes. I can feel myself growing up, accepting life as it is.

Today i felt sad. Thinking. About my life. Some tears even.

I hope i’m not wasting my life away.

Salute!