Categories for My story

A little something

I published many drawings the last months. I have grown quiet. I’m thinking.

I do plan to write a post about myself. My views about myself. My idea of my future, my past. In this world. It will take me a month or two. Guessing that.

Quiet. Yes.


Published on May 7, 2019 at 6:00 by

Yes or no?

I had previous posts, asking myself this question: yes or no? Up until now I thought the answer would be yes. But there is a hesitation. There is a fear of showing myself completely. A fear of the nakedness, the utter exposure of me.

It is getting less. One step at a time. One day at a time.

So the answer is still yes. I hope i can find the courage to go ahead. The will to show myself. To sing and dance and smile and laugh. Be happy! Gloriously happy.

I hope.

Published on March 26, 2019 at 6:00 by


There are so many things i long for. Fame, fortune, appreciation, friends, love, sex. Most of these things to me are silly.

Fame? What is the use of that? Well, i can imagine a couple of uses. Having people’s attention. All the people. So i can talk about the things which are important to me. Gardening, food, the world, what we should do and not do to make it a better world. But in itself, fame is not that important. Not that i ever really wanted it. It is just, of lately i can see some more uses of it. Practical things, you know.

Fortune? I need a bit of fortune, of course. But with a lot of money i could actually buy stuff. Ground, in cities, to make gardens. Mines, and give them to the people working there. For example. For which i need billions. Well, i don’t know how my life will continue. Maybe, maybe not. No idea. And all these ideas i have could change.

Appreciation. I have a bit. From friends. I’m happy with that. I hope somewhere in the future lies my best work. With films of course. Video clips.

Friends? I have friends. Not very close, not as close as i want, but still. I have many people around me i like and who like me. Most from the garden. I would like some close friends. But i can live without for now. A bit. 🙂

Love? Aah…. a big one. The big one. This is what my heart longs for. Deeply. Completely. I never had this. Never. Only the one person who i had sex with. Some i fell in love with, but eventually grew out of love with. Yeah, this is what i dream of. Long for. Desperately want. With the whole of my heart. It won’t last of course. The love itself. When you grow older. When you die. It will disappear. I think about that. Falling in love with someone, grow old, and stay alone after he dies.

Sex? The past four years have been more sexual. The eight years before that, when i played World of Warcraft, I felt no sexual desire. Not as i do now. This is connected with love. I imagine meeting somebody who will become a close friend. With whom i will also have sex. Slowly. With desire. I feel like i’m slowly getting there. I masturbated a lot four years ago. This has grown less over the years. I do imagine what it would be like. To have someone real in front of me. With all his faults. As i do have faults. Of course. But still, somebody i will like. Who will be a friend. Who i can talk with about anything. Laugh with. Cuddle up with. And yes, have sex with. I do long for that physical closeness.

I thought i had moved beyond longing for these things. They are still in the back of my mind. Some smaller than others. Love and sex are the big ones. I should think about friends more. I don’t mind being alone. But i do miss really close friends. I hope i will move on with my life. I hope i will find a way to get myself out of here. To work yes.

A salute to you, my reader.

Published on January 21, 2019 at 6:00 by

Hey there

Since around two days i wanted to write something. It is still not clear what i want to write. Something about my current life, my current feelings about it. Which do change all the time.

I remember posting the short film Human on 31 December 2018. I’m glad it was finished in time. Not really sure why i wanted to post it in 2018. It felt right. I guess. The days after that i felt a bit down. I was happy with it. Yes. But it was hard leaving the film behind.

I still think about the film. The choices i made. The difference between before and after i published the film. Now i see more, now i see why i made the film look like it does. It is quiet. It is slow. I really like the few things which go slower and faster. I love the portraits of my friends. Love love love them. I also love the mid part of the movie, the children playing. I do think it needs more publicity. But i also see it is very different from most of the products currently made. So i’m not sure which way to go. I’m not sure about anything right now. So i do nothing much.

I am happy with the feedback i got from my friends. Most seem to like the film. A good way to start.

This has not become the post i had in mind. Like i said, it wasn’t clear to me what i wanted to write. I didn’t know how i felt.

It is still not clear to me.

Published on January 18, 2019 at 6:00 by

My short film

The past few weeks i have been invited people i know, friends, to participate in my short movie Human. I want them to simply stand in front of the camera and look into it. Not smiling, not acting. Simply looking. Some have asked questions about what the movie is about. It was hard for me to say. But it has made some things clearer.

The movie is about me. My current life. Here in Rotterdam. The people i meet. The people walking past me. The garden. The people working in the garden.

I still have a month and a half to finish the movie. Where i used to film and finish a movie in a week, when i started making them three years ago, now it does take half a year. I do like to leave the movie and have my thoughts be made clear by time.

So it is good. A month and a half. Seems so quick to me now!

Published on November 20, 2018 at 6:00 by

A house with a garden

A dream that is coming up more often is a house with a garden. I don’t know where. It could be here in Rotterdam. Somewhere in the northern hemisphere. Within the climate i know and have lived in my whole life. Maybe a bit warmer. Or colder. A large garden would be best. With vegetables. And a greenhouse. A planting and seeding area. A cold frame. An area for flowers. Roses. Nasturtiums. An area where i can sit down and read. Smell the herbs. Drink a glass of wine with friends. Or tea. Eat some self made courgette cake.

A garden like Alys Fowler has and which she writes about in her book The Edible Garden. Not straight lines, not beds all perfectly in rows. But curvy, with vegetables and fruits mixed up together. A couple of trees. Berry bushes to the side. Some asparagus. Some artichoke.

That is a dream i have. That is what i love to think about. Crazy!

Published on September 25, 2018 at 6:00 by

Sunshine in my room

A hectic day. In my head at least.

I overslept a bit, got in the garden half an hour later. Did some weeding. Harvested beans and courgettes. Sang a song.

Back home i made myself something to eat. I played a bit of warcraft. I listened to music. Still am listening. Thinking thoughts. No idea if this will ever happen. No idea if i will ever say what i think. I hope so.

I really do hope. Hope fills my life. Hope fills my world. It truly does.

Thinking thinking.


Published on September 5, 2018 at 6:00 by


I have talked about myself and my sex life here.

Last night i was lying awake. I tossed and turned. I read a book. I went out of bed and played a bit of warcraft. And i was thinking. About writing this post. About my sex life. From my own point of view.

When i started on this post, i decided to go back and read older posts i had written about this. Too many!

Not that i mind a bit of repetition. This blog has updates five days a week, it will not be all shiny and new. There are also many different sides to ones life. Many different ways to think about it.

My silent years. The years between 2006 and 2014. The years in which i played world of warcraft. The years in which i didn’t work on my website, I was thinking about it, especially closer to 2006. Nothing. And then that moment which i can still feel. That sledgehammer hit. Where it all came back alive. Confusing. Breathtaking. My decision then to start working again on That final post About. Two weeks after that the first post on this website. And an about page here as well. Over three years.

I am not sure where i am heading. I have dreams. Wishes. Of course. I have a bit of money. A bit of time. But it is not set in stone.

I need to work! Work hard! Don’t give up! Don’t let other people confuse me. No way!

I apologize for this rambling post. Tomorrow is another day with a new post. See you then!

Published on August 22, 2018 at 6:00 by

No idea

I have dreams. Many dreams. Most are about someone out there who will fall in love with me. And i will fall in love with him. And we live on very happy together. Somewhere. Maybe even here in Rotterdam. In a house with a garden. My own garden. Rather big of course. And i will make it work. With a compost heap, rain falling in a water butt, a lovely smelling rose garden, a vegetable plot, herbs growing close to the kitchen. And we will have many people coming by and i will cook lovely food and bake cakes. And we will talk about the world and the companies and how things could be improved. And sometimes we go out and travel and visit the Oscars where i will wear this beautiful white and yellow and golden dress and i will go on television and do my best and listen to the people and try to make sense of it all and answer their questions as good as i can. And i will meet politicians and scientists and business people and talk with them about the world and which way we are heading and maybe we can prevent terrible things from happening.


I am still here, living in Rotterdam. I do bake cakes. I do work in the gardens around me, close to my home. Where i am allowed to keep on living for the next year and a half.

I don’t know what will happen. To me. To this world. Nobody knows what will happen.

Dreams. Dreams about another life, somewhere glorious.

But my life already is wonderful. I already do feel happy. With all the little things. The people living around me. Ordinary people i chat with. Or simply say good morning to in passing. I love living. I don’t worry.

Yes, i am working on my next videoclip. Filming people passing by, little children playing in the center with water features, older people sitting on a bench and feeding birds. I love it. Sitting outside in the center of the city and looking out and smiling and filming and trying to see a few thing in a new way.

I am not sure what will happen to me. I hope someday i will be so busy i do not have time to dream. That my life is so filled up with things to do i am happy to come home and relax a bit. And yes, that someday i will fall in love. I hope that will happen. But that is still hidden in the future. I don’t know what will happen.

I have changed myself. Changed the way i feel, changed the way i look out at the world. I have grown happier.

Happy. Here. Right now.

Published on August 7, 2018 at 6:00 by

Random thoughts

The past two years i have been working in the garden. I haven’t been looking for working. A few things i turned down. Not my thing. No experience with the requirements. It doesn’t feel like i actively stopped looking for work. It slipped away.

A few days ago i had a short talk about the videoclip Spring i made. I still need to learn so many things. About filming, about editing, about what thoughts i can put into it. I do know i need to stay close to my life as it is right now.

It is difficult since almost everyone has a passive knowledge of how these videoclips should look. Our lives are saturated with commercials, movies, videoclips. It is hard for me to go through this and try to make something which i like to look at, something from which i can learn. Something new. But also old.

It is difficult. But i can not stop. I do want to get to what i want to say. I do have these images in my mind. I do want to get there.

So yes, gardening is taking a step back. A bit unsure about it. And i wont leave it all together. But the focus is on my work. As it should be.

Published on July 18, 2018 at 6:00 by