Yesterday i went to the storage business. A bit far out in a industrial estate park at the edge of Rotterdam. I walked back, past the house i used to live in between 1985 and 1995. I remember thinking i could take a tram, but i decided against it. I like to walk.
Then i found myself lying on the pavement. I fell straight down. I felt my mouth. Blood was on my hands. And i saw a broken tooth in front of me. I was stunned. Shocked. My teeth! With my tongue i felt the broken front tooth. The tooth besides it was bend inward. Someone said to me the blood was coming from the upperlip of my mouth. Someone gave me some paper handkerchiefs.
People walked on. I sat there feeling totally helpless. A young student passing by talked to me and first phones the ambulance. Not serious enough. I could talk, a little bit. I told him a taxi would be good. I thought of going to the first aid department in the closest hospital, the Erasmus. I stood up. I was still conscious. I had not blacked out. I didn’t feel dizzy. Or nauseous. But i was not right.
I said goodbye to the young student. If you ever read this post, thank you for your help!
When i came at the hospital some people looked at me. Luckily i had to wait only around five minutes to get called by a nurse and get my first investigation. If i had a tetanus injection the past ten years. Hmm no. How i felt. Well, i felt sort of not too bad. But i was worried about my mouth. About my teeth. I felt completely mutilated. My mind wend back to that moment i fell. Why? Why didn’t i lift up my feet? Why did i trip over such a small curb? Why didn’t i break my fall with my hands? Why?
It was too late to think these thoughts. It had happened. I could only deal with the aftermaths. Try to keep my head straight.
A doctor came in and went through my arms and legs and head and stomach and eyes. Nothing there. Luckily. She called another doctor to see if they should suture the wound in my mouth. The upper part of my lip had a wound from the inside out. Completely through. One suture on the outside, one on the inside, they said. And i should get a CT scan. I’m over forty, they said. To be sure, they said.
Another nurse came by to bring me to the CT scanner. I closed my eyes while i was lying in there. My first time in such a contraption. I didn’t think there was anything wrong in there, but i was happy they were careful and did everything by the book.
Next to the first aid there was a emergency dentist. After all was done and said, the doctor brought me there. I wanted to be sure. To have a professional opinion. My side tooth was not broken, but it was pointed inward. A dentist came by and asked me when it had happened. A quarter past four, half past four i said. She nodded. And my broken tooth. Damn!
I got a anesthesia injection. That would hurt, she said. But i was still having the sedation i got from the suture. I didn’t feel a thing. It felt like the dentist pulled my tooth straight with her hands. Pretty sure that wasn’t happening. But it was fine. I felt with my tongue the inside of my teeth. It was right! I felt so happy. It was fixed! So happy!
Than the dentist made a porcelain bit added to my front tooth. Temporarily. I will need to get it fixed later on. But this made me so happy. I was looking a bit more normal.
Well, a bit more. I still look mutilated.
I got a taxi back home. Ted and Assie i had called earlier. They were shocked when they saw me. My mouth swollen up. The glass in my glasses was scratched. I need to get a new glass. Damn.
Last night i slept sort of good. My knee hurts. My mouth hurts. My body aches. But i will be alright. In the end.
And i wonder. The sort of seborrheic dermatitis i have for the past year. Around my mouth, my nose, my eyes and eyebrows. So visible. And now this. So visible. It is hard for me to believe this is all a coincidence. I do believe we shape our own life. I’m not sure what to make of this though. It does remind me of what i was saying last week to a friend. I feel like i’m finding my own voice. I’m finding what i want to say, how i want to say it. And that makes me really happy, gloriously happy. And an accident like this pulls me right back.
In the end, i’ll be fine in a few weeks.
Today i put some more old books in the give away cupboard. I walked to the market and bought a cauliflower and fresh garlic. I plan to make some cauliflower rice recipes.
I bought a kroket and sat down and ate it in front of the library. Watching the people walking by. So many people hide the way they feel. A man sat down a few metres away from me. He started singing. I enjoyed that. It was too far away to hear the song he was singing. When i walked away i could hear a siren of a police car and a ambulance coming closer. It made me feel creepy. Like the world was gonna blow up any minute.
Now i’m home. I’ve been watching some youtube videos. Drank a cup of tea with a currant and coconut bun.
My mind is full of fantasies, of dreams, of hopes and wishes. I know it is most likely none of these will ever happen. But still. You never know. I am thinking of one other thing. What will it cost me? What is the price i need to pay? For something most people just get when they are young and don’t know what to wish for. Something which most people will leave behind like it is nothing.
A boyfriend. Someone to love. Someone to chat with. Cuddle with. Laugh with. Spend hours cooking for. Spend lying on the couch together reading a book. Listening to music. Talk about the world with. A true friend. I hope anyway 🙂
I still need to learn. Get to know the world. The people.
Never give up hope. Never.
Two more posts this year. After Friday i will take a two week break. In 2020 i will be back.
Enjoy the Christmas days if you celebrate them. Enjoy the New Year’s Eve!
That sledgehammer moment, more than five years ago, is still clear to me. That moment which shook my up, made me shiver, made me fall in love. Not with somebody i know, no. It is not the most important aspect of it to me. I have fallen in love with one or two other people since then. But only fleetingly. For like a week or two. Getting it over with quickly.
Working in the garden has taught me so much. About plants, about the schedule, about the compost, about the seeding, the harvesting. About the people too. Some of them i like as my friends. But it is all fleeting. Almost transparent.
I had a talk with a friend a couple of months ago. He told me i was not thinking straight. Delusional almost. He told me i was thinking that i was going to be saved through my website. He told me to give it up. A fantasy. Not real. I kept thinking about that talk for a long time. I remember crying. I remember at the end of the talk saying i am a woman. I am still not sure what to think of that talk.
I am feeling extremely determined. I am not budging. I feel almost like growling. I am not going along with all this. I am not agreeing. No no no no. I can see how i used to do this. Trying to find a place for myself. A place where i can feel happy. Feel loved. Feel free.
I still haven’t found it.
I know. Of course. The only possible place is with me. To find strength in myself. Power. Resistance. Intelligence.
Difficult. I do want to cave in at times. Simply keep on living, with not too much effort. Hide in the masses. Not being visible. Not being seen.
So i find myself here at the end of times. I do feel stronger. I just hope i’m strong enough. For what is coming. Of which i am not sure.
I only have hopes and fantasies and dreams guiding me. Most will not come true.
I have found myself. So happy i did.
I spend today walking from shop to shop. I bought two bigger steel brushes and two smaller brass brushes to clean the garden tools in both the Vredestuin and the Vredestuin Noord. I went in several supermarkets looking for wooden nail brushes for Daniël. I finally found them in the Jumbo, the last supermarket i went to. Ninety-one cents. Yay!
I did think about what i wrote yesterday. A part of me stands behind it. Another part thinks it is a bit too neat, a bit too clean. Which is what i am not. Clean i mean. It is so easy to let myself be drawn in by the words i use. They tell their own story.
But i do feel i need to fight. Stand up for myself. Be quiet when i need to be. Talk when i feel i need to say something. Say what i feel. Clearly.
Enjoy your weekend. See you next week!
The last few days have been intense.
Sometimes i feel so happy. Sometimes i have tears in my eyes, so sad. Sometimes i feel confused, not sure what to feel. Sometimes i feel angry, grrrrr. Sometimes i feel worried. Sometimes i feel scared. Sometimes i feel sexy, longing for somebody. Sometimes i feel quiet. Sometimes not.
I have said it at times, i am my own worst enemy. So true. I don’t think i really understood what i was saying. It is getting clearer now. My own worst enemy. I am holding myself back. I am trying to fit in. I am trying to build a life for myself. Still.
Today while i was walking to the garden and afterwards walking back home, i realized. I have to let it go. I am almost there. Almost at the cusp. Ellen, let it go. Please. Up until now i am kidding myself. Trying to make myself smaller, more insignificant. Do not look at me. Do not see me. I am not here. Scared. Hiding.
I want to live the best life i can imagine. I want to be rich in experience. I want to share my thoughts and my feelings. With everybody. I want to love and be loved. With someone.
Trust yourself Ellen. You can do it.