It still feels to me i’m standing at a crossroads in my life. I have made choices already. The most important one is selling the house i lived in. I still live on the surplus of money i got from that.
There is a knot of unrest inside of me. I am not sure how to live on. How to spend the rest of my days.
We all live our own lives, with all the difficulties that comes with it. It is different for each and everyone. This is my life. With everything that comes with it. I made it myself, with all the choices i have taken in my past. Some good, some bad. I need to own it, every single one.
I don’t want to be dramatic. I do feel confused, not sure, not clear cut about the direction my life is headed towards. I feel careful. Not at ease.
I am thinking. About the world, about what is happening, about how we act, what we do, what we say.
It is difficult. Absolutely.
Published on July 7, 2020 at 6:00 by Ellen
Alone. That is just it. That is how i feel. That is how my life is.
It is not the worst thing. And also, so many people feel like this. Alone. Trying to run away from it. Trying not to see it. Trying to forget it.
It is not the worst thing. It does make me sad at times. But on the whole, i can manage.
I hope i have grown a bit stronger over the years.
The world is beautiful. The birds sing and fly. The leaves wave in the wind. The sky is still a blue with a little tinge of orange and pink. Small clouds are standing still in the sky.
The traffic makes a lot of noise yes.
But still. Lovely.
Published on June 25, 2020 at 6:00 by Ellen
A week ago i got the idea for a new drawing. I did start on a drawing in the house i just moved out of, but it wasn’t good enough. So that one is unfinished. This new idea made me really happy. Something with the world and many of the things that are going on.
I’m still at the start of it. I still need to think about it lots. I need peace and quiet around me, in me to get it done.
It will take me a couple of weeks, maybe even two months or so to get it finished. Hopefully.
I’m happy i have something to do, something to think about, something to work for.
Enjoy your weekend. Salute!
Published on June 19, 2020 at 6:00 by Ellen
Yesterday i moved into my new room, which i rented for the next month. Today i decided that in this month i will think about what i want, what direction i want to move into. Last week i said to Ted that it felt to me like i was on a large marshalling yard with all tracks linking to each, with no clear idea of the direction i want to take. Confusing. I want this to become clear. As clear as possible at least.
I admit, i do feel lonely. I feel sad about it. I can not run away from this feeling, i have to go through it. I need to solve this, and if not, learn to live with this and hopefully make the best of the rest of my life.
It feels to me that the past five years i have been trying to set myself free of constraints. Free of ideas i only half belief in, free of ideas other people have put in my mind without me thinking about them.
I know i live a dangerous life. I know i have chosen this for myself. It’s not a life i particularly like. It is full of worries. Unexpected events. Sudden twists and turns. But it is my life, my own choices, my own wishes, completely my own. I am not letting go. I am not giving in.
Of course i have desires. I have needs. I would love to have some friends, people i can trust, people i can talk with about anything. And i would love to have somebody real close to me, a true friend. To hug and kiss. Somebody i am still missing in my life.
I need to fix my life. Somehow.
Published on June 9, 2020 at 6:00 by Ellen
Yesterday evening was my final evening in the house. I do feel a bit nervous, and this is just an in between stop. But for a month i do have a place to stay. I’ll be busy looking for another place.
Yesterday evening i asked Ted to lay the tarot for me once more.
The first card was the Fool. Being prepared to follow your calling. To lead the right road. Listen to your inner voice. Be foolish.
The card laid over it is the Queen of Swords. To judge clearly, intelligently, independent.
The final card is the High Priestess. Wisdom, intuition. Inner conflicts.
The cards in between show the Star, the World, the Empress. A desire for celebration, a feeling of being alone without sight and ability to move, a learning place. The helping card show a clear judgement, an ability to act and a clear view of the goal with everything pointing towards it.
I settle for that. 🙂
Published on June 8, 2020 at 6:00 by Ellen
I have made a decision. Now i’m tired. I hope i just about managed it.
Enjoy your weekend. Salute!
Published on June 5, 2020 at 6:00 by Ellen
Well, i won’t be moving tomorrow. Today i had a talk and a think and a feeling. It didn’t feel right. So i made the choice of not moving. This means i need to find another place real fast.
Not the easiest choice.
Right now i’m tired. I still need to give all my feelings a place, the good ones and the bad ones.
Published on June 2, 2020 at 6:00 by Ellen
Next week i will be moving once again.
I’m still not sure why i choose to be in this situation. A couple of options are going through my mind. Dependancy is one. Living together with other people for a while is good for me. Finding out how i behave in this situation is good for me.
Letting go of some things i really love is one thing. My house. That still hurts. Still does. I still need a bit of space for myself. A bit of space i can relax in. Because i’m not completely relaxed outside. I’m still not.
It is getting better though. Yes. 🙂
For you, enjoy the weekend. Salute!
Published on May 29, 2020 at 6:00 by Ellen
It is difficult to let go of my dreams. Simple as they are, they are all the more tempting. I’m not thinking nothing will come of it. But it is holding me back. So right now i’m filled with doubts. Not sure which way to go. Not sure what action will make me the happiest.
I do know i need to stay close to me. Trust in me. Wait for the right time. I hope. I know i’m gambling. I know i’m the only one believing in myself. I hope i can find the strength in myself to go ahead with my life. To feel happy. To shine.
I so hope.
It is hard to recognize the bits in me which are really me. The bits in which i adapted to the people around me. The people around me which changed all the time.
Maybe you wonder why i throw the I Ching, why i use the tarot cards. Partly because they are around. But i also feel my life currently is moving in line with the world. Anything i read, anything which generates a meaning, is important for me. It doesn’t matter where it comes from. It is like, everything arrives at my place at the right time. It is scary, because i do not feel safe at all. I often do not know which way to go. The only thing i can depend upon is myself, my own feelings and emotions.
I remember last week i was thinking this line which i uttered in a fantasy:
Give me a crown and i will wear it with pride.
The crown of course is corona.
I do feel lost. But i’m not asking for help. I’m not giving up. No no no no. Not now. This close.
Published on May 22, 2020 at 6:00 by Ellen