Categories for My story


These are strange times. As i said in an earlier post, if i get sick, if i die, so be it. I hope not, but it is not in my hands. My life continues. No work, no public transport, no kids. We are not required to stay in our house the whole day here in the Netherlands, so i make walks. The garden work continues, with smaller groups.

I’m steering my life. It is a bit like the end of Thelma & Louise, driving the car of the cliff into the depths of the afterlife. Still giving direction, just not sure where i’m headed for. Apart from love of course. But i don’t know if that is in the cards for me. I simply don’t know.

I do know i need to let go of some many things. So many feelings. So many desires. So many wants.

I try to live my life as good as i can. I try to make the best of it, my own way. I try to really think about things. I try not to accept what other people say too easily. I still feel happy with this.

I hope i get somewhere. I hope i get out of this nowhere land i’m in now.

Enjoy the weekend. Love 🙂

Published on March 20, 2020 at 6:00 by

Not sure what to say

Thinking. Working. Drinking coffee. Watching television. Drinking tea. Eating sauerkraut soup. A bit of pasta. Walking slowly. Watching at all the houses. Smiling at people passing by.

Still not sure what to say.


Published on March 18, 2020 at 6:00 by


It feels like i don’t have much time. Which is false, of course. I have all the time in the world. To live my own life. To prepare for what is to come. To do the things i love to do. To speak up. To fall in love.

I’m still not in love. I do meet men who i like, who i find attractive. But who tell me they are terrible. Who do not fall in love with me. Who do not give me a chance. While this is the only thing i really really want. Apart from saving the world. I think in one way i’m too young. Too inexperienced. Almost.

I am falling in and out of love faster. It doesn’t affect me as much as it used to. This is experience. This is a stronger sense of self. A better feeling, i’m happy to say. In the end we all do live our lives alone. It is the meeting of someone else which can lighten up your life, when you can feel each other and look each in the eyes and be there for one another. Loose each other and see each other once again.

So i am still dreaming. And thinking. And learning. Each and every day.

Published on March 11, 2020 at 6:00 by


I finished the book written by Margaret Atwood De Testamenten today. I enjoyed it. I did watch the series The Handmaid’s Tale for the first two seasons. I especially loved the first season.

I loved sitting on the couch and read the time away. I did have a tentative plan to go out and bring the compost away and do some shopping, but tomorrow will do for that as well.

Published on March 10, 2020 at 6:00 by

Peace of mind

Yesterday in the garden i looked up and saw two birds eating and twittering and hopping from branch to branch. They looked like great tits from afar. They sounded like great tits.

I’m thinking about my life, the past years. I still feel the drive, the sense of purpose. I want to get there. This moment of solution. This feeling of wonder. Then i realize it will not happen like that. Not with wanting. I need to give up. This is so hard. I can only touch it in tiny moments. If ever.

Peace of mind. If ever.

Published on March 6, 2020 at 6:00 by

Love love love

Today, the day this post will be published is my birthday. Today I turn 56. I am not sure how this feels. I know it is above middle age, but i still feel young.

Today, Tuesday 25 February, i talked with a friend about what we want in life. I said i am still looking for the love of my life. I also said i feel in conflict with this desire, this wanting in me. I said i know i should lead my own life, do my own things. Not entirely single living though, i am a social being, as are most other people. But to find someone to share my life with, someone to talk with about anything which comes in my mind, and talk about anything coming up in his mind. To be silent with. To hug. To smile at. To hold hands with. All these simple things i miss so much.

I don’t know why my life makes it so hard for myself to live. I don’t get it. I am usually quite happy. Cheerful. Bright. But it is hard. As well.

Another day. Another year. My life turns on. Most of the time.

Published on February 26, 2020 at 6:00 by

The accident


Yesterday i went to the storage business. A bit far out in a industrial estate park at the edge of Rotterdam. I walked back, past the house i used to live in between 1985 and 1995. I remember thinking i could take a tram, but i decided against it. I like to walk.

Then i found myself lying on the pavement. I fell straight down. I felt my mouth. Blood was on my hands. And i saw a broken tooth in front of me. I was stunned. Shocked. My teeth! With my tongue i felt the broken front tooth. The tooth besides it was bend inward. Someone said to me the blood was coming from the upperlip of my mouth. Someone gave me some paper handkerchiefs.


People walked on. I sat there feeling totally helpless. A young student passing by talked to me and first phones the ambulance. Not serious enough. I could talk, a little bit. I told him a taxi would be good. I thought of going to the first aid department in the closest hospital, the Erasmus. I stood up. I was still conscious. I had not blacked out. I didn’t feel dizzy. Or nauseous. But i was not right.

I said goodbye to the young student. If you ever read this post, thank you for your help!

When i came at the hospital some people looked at me. Luckily i had to wait only around five minutes to get called by a nurse and get my first investigation. If i had a tetanus injection the past ten years. Hmm no. How i felt. Well, i felt sort of not too bad. But i was worried about my mouth. About my teeth. I felt completely mutilated. My mind wend back to that moment i fell. Why? Why didn’t i lift up my feet? Why did i trip over such a small curb? Why didn’t i break my fall with my hands? Why?

It was too late to think these thoughts. It had happened. I could only deal with the aftermaths. Try to keep my head straight.

A doctor came in and went through my arms and legs and head and stomach and eyes. Nothing there. Luckily. She called another doctor to see if they should suture the wound in my mouth. The upper part of my lip had a wound from the inside out. Completely through. One suture on the outside, one on the inside, they said. And i should get a CT scan. I’m over forty, they said. To be sure, they said.

Another nurse came by to bring me to the CT scanner. I closed my eyes while i was lying in there. My first time in such a contraption. I didn’t think there was anything wrong in there, but i was happy they were careful and did everything by the book.

Next to the first aid there was a emergency dentist. After all was done and said, the doctor brought me there. I wanted to be sure. To have a professional opinion. My side tooth was not broken, but it was pointed inward. A dentist came by and asked me when it had happened. A quarter past four, half past four i said. She nodded. And my broken tooth. Damn!

I got a anesthesia injection. That would hurt, she said. But i was still having the sedation i got from the suture. I didn’t feel a thing. It felt like the dentist pulled my tooth straight with her hands. Pretty sure that wasn’t happening. But it was fine. I felt with my tongue the inside of my teeth. It was right! I felt so happy. It was fixed! So happy!

Than the dentist made a porcelain bit added to my front tooth. Temporarily. I will need to get it fixed later on. But this made me so happy. I was looking a bit more normal.

Well, a bit more. I still look mutilated.

I got a taxi back home. Ted and Assie i had called earlier. They were shocked when they saw me. My mouth swollen up. The glass in my glasses was scratched. I need to get a new glass. Damn.

Last night i slept sort of good. My knee hurts. My mouth hurts. My body aches. But i will be alright. In the end.

And i wonder. The sort of seborrheic dermatitis i have for the past year. Around my mouth, my nose, my eyes and eyebrows. So visible. And now this. So visible. It is hard for me to believe this is all a coincidence. I do believe we shape our own life. I’m not sure what to make of this though. It does remind me of what i was saying last week to a friend. I feel like i’m finding my own voice. I’m finding what i want to say, how i want to say it. And that makes me really happy, gloriously happy. And an accident like this pulls me right back.

In the end, i’ll be fine in a few weeks.


Published on February 5, 2020 at 6:00 by