Categories for My story

For the past few weeks i have been thinking about my last post of the year. This one. I want to write about sense of wonder. I have known this concept since my teens. Especially in reviews of science fiction novels i came across this. But in this post i want to write about my personal experience of sense of wonder.

The past year has been a roller coaster for me. From the first of February i have been living with other people. Friends first, than strangers who i paid to live in a room in their house. Some were friendly, some were absent, some i didn’t like that much. But in each house i learned something. This past year has been a valuable school for me.

Life is asking you to approach what is happening to you with a curiosity and a sense of wonder rather than a “why me” attitude. The story doesn’t matter — only what insights and learnings you have gained about yourself and life.

Source: A Sense of Wonder

I am not sure how long this will last. I know my money is running out in about ten months or so. But i don’t worry about it too much. Sometimes it crosses my mind. But to me this is still a long period in which so many things can change.

I enjoy my walks. I enjoy being outside and looking up at the sky and seeing the plants and the trees. I enjoy watching the people walking around like they know what they are doing. I enjoy gardening. I enjoy being by myself. I enjoy being with other people. Sometimes, i must add 🙂

The world is full with the legacy of people who have lived their lives before us giving us advice over the lives worth living.

If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over the christening of all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life, as an unfailing antidote against the boredom and disenchantments of later years, the sterile preoccupation with things that are artificial, the alienation from the sources of our strength.

Source: Rachel Carson and a Childhood Sense of Wonder

I am trying to get back to this sense of wonder, this childlike view on the world, a view i have lost over the years. I am loosing all the things i have built up over the years. Consciously. I realize my friends may worry about me occasionally, but i do not worry. I know i will make it. I believe in myself. I have complete trust in myself. It is difficult. Of course. Isn’t anything that makes life worth living difficult?

This is my last post of the year 2020. I am giving myself a two weeks holiday, to spend my time with Christmas and New Year alone by myself. I am not unhappy about that. I simply accept that.

I do hope you, dear reader, will have some pleasant moments in these dark times.

My best wishes to you.

Over the last few weeks this word was humming in my mind: outsider. That is what i feel like. Through my own actions. I sold my house, against the advice of my family and of my friends. I am living in rooms now and my money is getting less. All my decisions.

Why? Why am i doing this to myself? Why not trying to find a job, trying to make things work in this world, find a feeling of security in myself.

I have asked these questions before. I am still not sure of the answers. It does come done to that feeling i had in 2014, that hit with a sledgehammer telling me i need to work work work! Which is what i am doing today. Still responding. Still not letting go, still biting my teeth and trying to go through this, this moment of not knowing, feeling helpless and unsure of what to do next. Feeling like i am almost giving up. Almost.

I have driven myself outside of this Western European society i am living in, the Netherlands. I still walk through town, watching the people riding or walking by. I let the dogs sniff my hands if they want to. I smile when i see an opening in someone’s eyes. But i am an outsider.

There are many more people like me living outside of the main working body of this Dutch society. Homeless people, people without work, old people, young people with still so many possibilities in front of them.

But i have picked my path. I am sticking to it. I try to walk it with dignity, quiet, paying attention to what surrounds me. I still make mistakes. Sometimes i am not sure of what to do next. But this is my path, the way i walk steadily with conviction. Unsure, yes. But determined. Yes.

My post yesterday came from the bottom of my heart. This one is from even deeper: patience.

I try to live in the moment as much as possible. This year to me seems like the longest year ever in my life. Which to me is a good thing. Mainly because i do move a lot. I have been living shorter in the rooms i have been renting. I started out in the beginning with living four months, then three months, then a month each time in a room. The one before this one was only a week. This does make it feel longer.

Patience. So important. I don’t always have it, i confess. And yes, at times i am inpatient. But on the whole i do keep up, i do trust myself to do the right thing at the right time. Hopefully!

I am stubborn. This is not something that comes out easily. I am not even sure friends realize i am this stubborn. They might, considering how i am living right now. Hopping from place to place. Staying cheerful usually. Not always of course.

I do want to lead my own life, face the consequences of my own actions. In this world. This stupid world.

I do not know what the future will bring to me. I have only my dreams, wishes, desires. And i have my life as it is right now. Hopping from room to room, talking with people about so many things: sex, the world, corona, gardening. I don’t know where this is headed to. I do wish though. Meeting people who i can genuinely call my friends. Living in a house with a garden and a large kitchen, in which i can cook meals for the people around me. Leading a life which is worth living. Talking to so many people all around the world about the current state, about how we want the world to be, want it to become. Living a life true to myself. Fighting.

Not this nasty little world with its nasty little rules and its nasty little people keeping me down and keeping me locked up inside. No!

Freedom! Hallelujah!

Over the past few years i felt i was working towards something. Something good. Battling for myself. Striving towards a life worth living. Something different. Different from now.

I slowly start to realize that this will not be possible. I am learning, sure. But i still make mistakes. Sometimes i apologize. Sometimes not. My life simply continues. On and on.

I am learning to think before i speak, but i can not overthink everything i do. There is still room for the unexpected, the unrehearsed. The spontaneous. I remember a couple of moments in my life in which this occurred. Not many, no. But they did.

So now, when i think about my future, i think of a difficult life. Having things to think about. Having meetings to think about. Not knowing which way to go. Not knowing what to say. Not knowing.

I know i could continue with my life as it is right now. Safe. Easy. Undemanding.

What do i want? What do i really really want? Really really really?

I want the life that fits me. But what is that life? Am i not already living that life? With the upcoming money troubles, within a year or so, if i continue living as i do? Something i need to deal with. I know that. I know.

Can i keep quiet, think about what happens to me and take a course? Is that what i am doing right now?

I hope. I really hope.