Categories for My story

Waste

I felt quiet today. I woke up, made my breakfast. Rye spelt bread with an omelet. I watched a bit of tv. Koffietijd, Koken met van Boven. I do have a quick look at Homes under the Hammer, but it doesn’t grab me this time. I turn the television off.

I don’t feel like doing anything productive yet. So i get my iPhone and headphones, lie on the couch and turn on Spotify. I am in my Scritti listening week still, ending up at the compilation Absolute. I have listened to this a couple of times. I do know all the songs on it though, so it wasn’t a huge revelation. The two new songs past me by i’m afraid to say. Listening to A Day Late and a Dollar Short does make me appreciate this song better. But halfway this song i get a phone call.

I have a short talk. About work, and last week, and that i am going shopping this afternoon, going to the market, going to photograph waste containers, going to the Gimsel. A good talk!

So after this conversation i don’t go back listening, leaving the last two songs for tomorrow. I brush my teeth and dress up. I had been thinking about what i should do for today’s post. This idea of photographing the waste containers does stick. A follow up on yesterday’s post about Not Yet Zero Waste – with all capitals! I look outside. It’s raining a bit. So i get my umbrella, my old bag i got in Belgium while i was there for work, 2009 maybe?

LIVE THE WAY YOU LIKE

I only have an empty bottle of wine and a empty glass jar which used to be filled with mango chutney. I walk past the Action shop to the glass waste container and throw in the bottle and jar.

I walk up to the middle of the road and make a photograph. I look to the side. Damn, so much litter lying around here. Empty plastic wrappers, plastic bottle’s and caps. I make a photo of that too. *sigh*

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I walk to the Gimsel. First i enter the Van Binnen shop. I do like this shop. It is in my shops around my house video, in which i drool a bit on the stuff they sell here. I don’t buy anything, but ooh man, lovely things! I do see drinking containers. Put that on a list. The Gimsel next. I walk past the vegetables. No. To the end of the shops, where the bulk section is. Rice, beans, lentils, nuts, seeds. You can make your own peanut butter here. And i do see paper bags to put everything in. Last time i was here there was only plastic on the window hanging. I guess then the paper bags were finished. I make a note on my internal list to get stuff here more. I do have everything i need in my house, so i don’t need to get anything.

I walk further, past the cosmetics section. Looking for a good soap. I do like the Traay Roses soap with calendula, but decide against it. Does deserve a marker though. Past the tea, the tea herbs, the spices, the dried sea vegetables to the cleaning section. Hmm. Waste bags. Need to think about that. Compostable bags. Hmm. Ooh, lunch box things. The round metal boxes which fit together. A box the size of a soap. Aah. Tick tick tick. Drinking containers again!

I decide later this week i will go past Lush in the center of Rotterdam.

Before i go to the market i walk past the Jumbo. I make a photo of the plastic waste container standing next to a clothes and shoes container.

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I walk to the market. I would like a doner kebab bread, but i don’t see my usual kebab place about. The place is being reworked now, so all the stalls are someplace else. I go for a chips war instead. Mayo, peanut butter sauce and onions and sambal. Yum.

When i sit besides the library eating my chips slowly, a girl appears next to me. She is like – hmm, i don’t know how old she is, not sure how old she looks – she is like five years old maybe? Very open, talking to me. I give her a chip with mayo. She had said she doesn’t like peanut butter sauce. I ask her where her mother or father is. She points to the end of the library. The lady in the white coat. Behind the pillar. We talk a bit. I ask her name. She did say it, but i only remember how people call her, Angie. I give her another chip. With a bit of sambal. Hot!! Her grandma calls her. I smile at her when she is standing besides her grandma.

When i have finished my chips, i walk past her. She introduces me to her grandma. Her grandma asks me if i believe in God. No i say. Sorry. She is nice. Angie gives me a little present. A woodstick box with inside it a seashell with a pearl pasted in it. Do you know you are a pearl in God’s hand? I like her presents. I look inside my bag and give her a card with a drawing i made like twenty years ago: Ellen, Architect of Change. With my website on the back of it. If you are watching this Angie: Hi!! Wave!!!

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On the market i buy some vegetables. Another soup upcoming. In the shop Marqt i buy buttermilk, maple syrup, sugar bread. Tomorrow morning i will make pancakes, with buttermilk. I did look up recipes beforehand. One recipe Pannenkoeken zoals het hoort – Pancakes as they should be – said to put the flour and buttermilk together and let it sit for twelve to twentyfour hours. So i will do that! The recipe will follow in tomorrows post.

The rest of the day is spend working on this post and watching television: De wereld draait door and the Great British Menu. Ooh, and i slept a little between half past five and a quarter past six.

Bye bye!

<3

Published on October 19, 2016 at 6:00 by

Scritti Politti

Scritti Politti, number 1 on my Top 4 of Best Groups in the Entire World of All Time!

Summer 1985. A friend had asked me to live in her apartment and take care of her cat while she and her boyfriend were on holiday. They would be away for a month. They lived in the center of Rotterdam, a side street of the West-Kruiskade.

I loved it. It was warm, i had friends at art school, even though i was still studying in Delft. I was going out, giving diners. And listening to the music. The boyfriend was dj’ing. Rap, hiphop. And Scritti Politti. He had just bought their new album Cupid & Psyche 85. Which i fell in love with straightaway.

I had missed their first album, Songs To Remember. I still don’t understand why. I even had a magazine, Vinyl, with an interview with them from 1982. I was busy listening to Joy Division, the Popgroup, Rip Rig & Panic, Nick Cave, Eyeless In Gaza and Tracy Thorne amongst others, ending up with Prince. Too busy to get into Scritti Politti 1982.

I finally caved in in 85. I was hooked. I loved the lyrics, the sweet voice, the music. I didn’t understand it, not everything about it, but i was sure as hell doing my best.

When summer ended, i was back at my parents house, with this new self bought album, new friends, an upcoming apartment i would start to live in 1 December 1985. Life was good.

I didn’t know then my parents would be divorced in one years time. I didn’t know then i would stop studying in Delft and start at art school in Rotterdam within a year.

A Saturday evening, 8 February, i started to draw. I had this A3 size watercolour bloc. I had divided this into 8 different small sizes with pencil stripes. I don’t remember the first two drawings i made. But i was really surprised by the final six. I remember looking at them that evening, when i had finished. I could see they were going from quite simple, me dancing in Rotterdam with a friend, to more complex and abstract. I did not really understand these drawings, nor did i understand why i had drawn them.

I made a final addition. The last verse of A Little Knowledge. Not sure when i wrote this down, it could have been the same evening, it could be the next day. I do remember the next day i made a box of thick carton with a dark grey or black paper cover, pasting some left over pieces of watercolour on them.

Here’s a verse for nothing
An introduction
To the way the world will be
Now we’re apart and alone
Mustn’t be unhappy
When you remember
Lovers never lose each other
Oh, such a lot to be learned

I realized that i wanted to give these drawings away. I first gave them to one of my best friends at the time, Iris. She returned them after a month or so. A few years later i gave them to another best friend, Femke. She returned them after a month or so as well. After that i kept these drawings. For a couple of years they were standing in a cabinet in my main room. I got them out of there late 2014. They had gotten my interest once again at that time.

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The next Tuesday, 11 February 1986, i found myself in a record shop Haddock. There i finally bought the album Songs To Remember. Excited i biked back home. I could hardly wait to play my new record. When the final song played, The “Sweetest Girl”, for some reason i threw the I Ching. I got number 13 Fellowship with Man with a nine on the fifth place.

Life leads the thoughtful man on a path of many windings.
Now the course is checked, now it runs straight again.
Here winged thoughts may pour freely forth in words,
There the heavy burden of knowledge must be shut away in silence.
But when two people are at one in the inmost hearts,
They shatter even the strength of iron or of bronze.
And when two people understand each other in their inmost hearts,
Their words are sweet and strong, like the fragrance of orchids.

I remember sitting on the ground, reading these lines in the I Ching. I remember that i honestly believed these words. But also not. I mean, what did this mean? It was not that i could call Green up and say ‘hey lets come together‘. I didn’t know the man. These words confused me terribly. I couldn’t simply set them aside, but i also couldn’t act on them.

This moment of impossibility has stayed with me for the rest of my life. I think i have mentioned it once or twice to friends, but never really confessed what it had done to me. My life of course simply went along. In the end, the drawing of these drawings, the throwing of the I Ching, became a memory. Important, not sure what i should be doing with this, but still valuable.

I went to art school. I never regretted this. Not that i could pinpoint to other people the value of this, but i felt this was an important move for me. Not smart, no. But important.

In 1994 i decided to get a job. I didn’t really like the art world. Working seemed to me the most obvious plan.

In 1995 i got online. I started to play a muse. First Micromuse, then i started playing Windsmare. I only found this helptext. I don’t think it is online anymore.

In 1997 i started working on my own website, in my free time.

Scritti Politti was still my fave band. But it had turned quiet. I did do some research on the internet, so much smaller then. I found the Archeology of the Frivolous. I e-mailed with Erika. I went to London for a scritti get together. Fun!

In 1999 Anomie and Bonhomie was released. I enjoyed the new music. But the glory days were over, i could see that.

January 2006, there was strange news on the Yahoo group, then then current hangout for scritti fans. A gig? Double G and the Traitorous Three? Sorry? Green hadn’t played life for 25 years. I was assuming this was over and done with.

It turned out it was true. Blurry clips and images appeared afterwards. I asked in the group if there were any other Dutch people interested in going if there was a new gig announced. Marco and Ernst replied. And yes, 5 February 2006, The Luminaire was the next date. The three of us decided to go all out and fly up to London and back the next day early in the morning. No sleeping arrangements required.

I was nervous. I had never imagined i would actually meet Green. He was a firm resident of my imagination, an object of my fantasy, but that was it.

I never talked to him. I went two times more, one time in Amsterdam, another time in London once more, in the Scala. In Amsterdam me, Marco and Ernst ended up eating with the band and quite a few other fans after the gig. I remember talking with another fan, she said he was nice and all, but i couldn’t bring myself to talking. I didn’t know what to say. It felt so awkward. So i kept silent.

Apart from my talk with his girlfriend. She was nice. She asked me if i wanted to have my photo taken. Not sure about that, but she called him anyway.

I was sort of happy with this photo. It seemed to make it all real. A bit.

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Over the next years i did keep up with Scritti. Marco, Ernst and myself had set up a website, bibbly-o-tek.com. John, from the United States, who had his own website with many scritti clips, had joined us.

I did stop working on my own website, lfs.nl. It was sitting there completely quiet. For eight years. It was hard to stop working, but i felt empty. Nothing came up, nothing i wanted to make, to express. I missed it. But it grew quiet in me over the years. Until it had almost disappeared from my mind.

I did make a new present called New, June 1 2014. No flash but javascript. I wasn’t really happy with it. But later, in October, i started again.

I don’t know why i stopped making presents. It just sort of faded away. I’m glad i’m back. Source: Hey, October 13, 2014

Over the next three months i made more presents. Some javascript, some texts, some photo’s. Getting back into the rhythm. Until one day in January i started a new present called About. And i realized this would be my final present. The last page on lfs.nl. I thought about this for a week. And it stuck.

I honestly didn’t know then that two weeks later i would be starting a new website, this one, on ellenpronk.com. A domain i had since 2010, which i initially wanted to use for work. But never finished a design for. In these two weeks i made the templates for wordpress, installed it, wrote an about page and made a new post, Hello World.

Since then i settled into a steady rhythm. In the first year i made several presents, but these have faded away. In May or June i started to sing songs i like, or love. In September i started to make video clips. I started to write posts about things that are important to me. Food. The world. My dreams. My wishes.

And yes, in one post i wrote about my drawings. The ones i had made almost thirty years before. I wanted to give these to Green. I was determined.

So yes, i was feeling a bit nervous when news about a new gig for 5 February 2016 was announced towards the end of 2015. Money was getting an issue then, so i had to be smart. I picked the cheapest way to travel, the bus, and the cheapest way to stay, via airbnb. I had my red dress, which i had bought the end of 2014 and never worn before. I had my black shoes with the zippers. I had my red nail polish Ecorce Sanguine from Chanel. I was ready!

I wrote about this evening here, on this website, in the post called Scritti Politti – Roundhouse, London – 5 February 2016. I was hesitant, waiting almost the entire evening. In the end i gave my drawings to him. I think he was a bit surprised. I also gave my e-mail address to him. And i mentioned that i had this website.

Now, eight months later, i still feel gloriously happy that i managed to do this. I know this is a very personal feeling, nobody else feels anything from this event. The world keeps on turning. Nothing changes. But still, this was something i had thought about ten years before, and i had decided then that it wasn’t something i could do. I had talked about this with friends, they advised me not to, and i went along with them. I kept it all hidden.

So yes, i gave away my drawings. Only three days before it was thirty years ago since i had made them, 8 February 1986 – 5 February 2016. And i still feel happy when i think about this. It is a very personal gift, i do know that. I’m not sure what Green thinks of them, but that is not my business anymore. These drawings are out there. Not in my possession anymore.

So yes, Scritti Politti is the best band in the entire world! Of all time! Absolute!

My life is better because of them. I know of course, in the end, it was all me. Me and my life. My choices. My dreams. My craziness. But we are all influenced by the people around us. Near and far. There are many other people and people’s work which had an impact on me. I picked Green as my main mentor. He didn’t know! He simply lived his own life, unaware of my action. There was love, yes. But looking back on it from this distance, it feels more like infatuation. I never dreamed of having sex with him, honestly. That was another part of me.

This part of my life, this part i had made myself, i truly love it.

Thank you Green, for being there.

Salute!

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My Scritti box
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Fanzines published in the end of the 90s by James Lawrence. I met James at least once in London during a scritti gettogether.
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The t-shirt i won for answering 40 questions about Scritti, published in the fanzine.
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One of the main late 90s websites for scritti fans, Archeology of the Frivolous. I'm happy to see this site is still online!
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This could be the magazine form which i learned Green's birthday. I do know i learned this on 22 June, a sunny day. I looked up into the blue sky and wished him a happy birthday.
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I do have more magazines in my scritti box. This is simply a selection.
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Demo's from Anomie and Bonhomie.
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Two small cd's i got in the Free Record Shop. The one from Wood Beez doesn't have a cd in them. I asked if i could take it with me. I got it for free.

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Vinyl

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CD’s

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Cupid & Psyche ’85
Provision

Early 90’s singles

Anomie and Bonhomie

Live performances

Sites
Small official site: scritti.net
Scritti Politti Facebook page: Scritti Politti – Share The Love
Quiet blog about Scritti: bibbly-o-tek.com (yes, i’m one of the maintainers)
The Scritti Politti Workshop, old website with loads of articles and photos
Archeology of the Frivolous

Published on October 11, 2016 at 6:00 by

Steely Dan

Steely Dan, number 2 on my Top 4 of Best Groups in the Entire World of All Time!

The music from Steely Dan i got to know about from my eldest sister, Marja. I’m not sure about the exact date, but yeah, it could have been from the very start, 1972, the year Steely Dan released their first album, Can’t Buy A Thrill. I do remember an assignment i got in the first or second year of high school, when i was twelve or thirteen years old, make a new cover for an album. I choose Countdown To Ecstacy, the second album from Steely Dan. I already had this album at this time. So yes, at this age i was buying Steely Dan’s albums already.

I don’t remember this though. I do know i did this. My sister left the house and took with her all her albums. I must have been ten or eleven, 1974 or 1975. I also bought Pretzel Logic and Katy Lied. Really, both Countdown To Ecstacy and Pretzel Logic were not my faves, but i did love Katy Lied. Or in my mind, the Song of Katy. The English word lied means song in Dutch.

I also loved The Royal Scam, 1976. I remember playing this album over and over again. I loved Haitian Divorce of course, but also the other songs.

Aja was the last Steely Dan album i bought. 1977. I was thirteen years old. This was right before my big turnaround and discovery of my own music taste. Nina Hagen, the Specials, the Selector, the Police were all all around the corner waiting for my discovery. But Aja was still in my music time so much influenced by my sister.

Years later i read about an English band called Deacon Blues. They had named themselves after the greatest song of all time, by Steely Dan. I had no idea.

I liked Steely Dan around that time. I enjoyed many songs. My fave albums were their first one, Can’t Buy A Thrill, their fourth one, Katy Lied and their fifth and sixth one, The Royal Scam and Aja. But after 1977 i was enchanted by a whole new musical world. New wave. Post punk. I went to see a lot of bands. Eyeless in Gaza. Nick Cave, who i saw four times performing in Rotterdam. The first half of the 80s, with me growing up from 16 years old till i’m 21, that first half was my most excellent music time. No Steely Dan then.

In the 90s i sometimes listened to Steely Dan once again. The Eagles – my other former fave 70s band – were firmly directed to a lower tier area, to be ultimately neglected for good. But the Dan, they were rising slowly. I still had all their albums. Nobody i offered my old albums to when i was around 16 years old was tempted to buy any of them.

I just checked to see if i had any Steely Dan albums in my iTunes list. Yes! I’m happy to say. This was before Spotify, which i started using in 2010. From that time i have worked on making my ultimate mixtape, which features many of Steely Dan’s songs. After today even more! I realized over the past five years that Steely Dan was creeping up my appreciation ladder, until a year or so ago, when i realized they were settling in at number 2.

I don’t even know all their albums. This week i will listen to the ones i have, and hopefully also the ones i don’t have. There are still many layers i need to uncover, many details i need to uncover in their music and their lyrics. Exactly what i wish for in any music.

Steely Dan’s lyrical subjects are diverse, but in their basic approach they often create fictional personae that participate in a narrative or situation. The duo have said that in retrospect, most of their albums have a ‘feel’ of either Los Angeles or New York City, the two main cities where Becker and Fagen lived and worked (see below). Characters appear in their songs that evoke these cities. Steely Dan’s lyrics are often puzzling to the listener,[55] with the true meaning of the song “uncoded” through repeated listening, and a richer understanding of the references within the lyrics. For example, in the song “Everyone’s Gone to the Movies,” the line “I know you’re used to 16 or more, sorry we only have eight” refers not to the count of some article, but to eight-millimeter film, which was lower quality than 16 mm or larger formats, underscoring the illicitness of Mr. Lapage’s (assumedly pornographic) movie parties.

Thematically, Steely Dan creates a universe peopled by losers, creeps and failed dreamers – often victims of their own obsessions and delusions – and frequently suggests the moral reckoning that is due them. These motifs are introduced in the Dan’s first hit song, “Do It Again” – where we hear of a murderous cowboy who beats the gallows, a man taken advantage of by a cheating girlfriend, and an obsessive gambler, all of whom are unable to command their own destinies; similar themes of being trapped in a death spiral of one’s own making appear throughout the corpus of their catalog. Other themes are also present, such as prejudice, aging, poverty and middle-class ennui, and are typically seen from an ironic and detached perspective. The moral point-of-view expressed in Steely Dan songs reinforces traditional values, that substance abuse and sexual promiscuity lead to ruin.

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steely_Dan

This evening i listened to Aja. It gave me chills, listening to these familiar songs once again. Wonderful. Once i go to bed i will watch the Classic Album episode about Aja.

And tomorrow i will sing a song from Steely Dan. Not sure which one. Not yet. Do It Again? Perhaps?

Enjoy the music!

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Published on October 4, 2016 at 6:00 by

A post not made

The intention i had for today was to make a video about the few art pieces i have hanging in my house. Telling about how i got them, who made them.

I will still do that. Of course. But not today. I felt tired. I felt not like talking and telling you things about works i love.

So i could do a time out. Or I could do a short telling of today, an extension of yesterday’s post as it were. When the idea came up in my mind to throw the I Ching i thought no. No no no. I will not do that.

Or? Maybe i will..?

I’ll leave this open till the end of tonight. I might leave this post as it is. Not sure.

Whatever happens, enjoy your weekend! Even with rain, with the slightly colder weather, it still is wonderful working outside in the slow drizzle. OK, not in a pouring rain no. I will hide inside if it’s pouring. We’ll see!

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Beautiful.

24. Fu / Return (The Turning Point)

The idea of a turning point arises from the fact that after the dark lines have pushed all of the light lines upward and out of the hexagram, another light line enters the hexagram from below. The time of darkness is past. The winter solstice brings the victory of light. This hexagram is linked with the eleventh month, the month of the solstice (December-January).

THE JUDGMENT

RETURN. Success.
Going out and coming in without error.
Friends come without blame.
To and fro goes the way.
On the seventh day comes return.
It furthers one to have somewhere to go.

After a time of decay comes the turning point. The powerful light that has been banished returns. There is movement, but it is not brought about by force. The upper trigram K’un is characterized by devotion; thus the movement is natural, arising spontaneously. For this reason the transformation of the old becomes easy. The old is discarded and the new is introduced. Both measures accord with the time; therefore no harm results.
Societies of people sharing the same views are formed. But since these groups come together in full public knowledge and are in harmony with the time, all selfish separatist tendencies are excluded, and no mistake is made. The idea of RETURN is based on the course of nature. The movement is cyclic, and the course completes itself. Therefore it is not necessary to hasten anything artificially. Everything comes of itself at the appointed time. This is the meaning of heaven and earth.
All movements are accomplished in six stages, and the seventh brings return. Thus the winter solstice, with which the decline of the year begins, comes in the seventh month after the summer solstice; so too sunrise comes in the seventh double hour after sunset. Therefore seven is the number of the young light, and it arises when six, the number of the great darkness, is increased by one. In this way the state of rest gives place to movement.

THE IMAGE

Thunder within the earth:
The image of THE TURNING POINT.
Thus the kings of antiquity closed the passes
At the time of solstice.
Merchants and strangers did not go about,
And the ruler
Did not travel through the provinces.

The winter solstice has always been celebrated in China as the resting time of the year—a custom that survives in the time of rest observed at the new year. In winter the life energy, symbolized by thunder, the Arousing, is still underground. Movement is just at its beginning; therefore it must be strengthened by rest so that it will not be dissipated by being used prematurely. This principle, i.e., of allowing energy that is renewing itself to be reinforced by rest, applies to all similar situations. The return of health after illness, the return of understanding after an estrangement: everything must be treated tenderly and with care at the beginning, so that the return may lead to a flowering.

Nine at the beginning means:
Return from a short distance.
No need for remorse.
Great good fortune.

Slight digressions from the good cannot be avoided, but one must turn back in time, before going too far. This is especially important in the development of character; every faintly evil thought must be put aside immediately, before it goes too far and takes root in the mind. Then there is no cause for remorse, and all goes well.

Six in the third place means:
Repeated return. Danger. No blame.

There are people of a certain inner instability who feel a constant urge to reverse themselves. There is danger in continually deserting the good because of uncontrolled desires, then turning back to it again because of a better resolution. However, since this does not lead to habituation in evil, a general inclination to overcome the defect is not wholly excluded/

15. Ch’ien / Modesty

This hexagram is made up of the trigrams Kên, Keeping Still, mountain, and K’un. The mountain is the youngest son of the Creative, the representative of heaven and earth. It dispenses the blessings of heaven, the clouds and rain that gather round its summit, and thereafter shines forth radiant with heavenly light. This shows what modesty is and how it functions in great and strong men. K’un, the earth, stands above. Lowliness is a quality of the earth: this is the very reason why it appears in this hexagram as exalted, by being placed above the mountain. This shows how modesty functions in lowly, simple people: they are lifted up by it.

THE JUDGMENT

MODESTY creates success.
The superior man carries things through.

It is the law of heaven to make fullness empty and to make full what is modest; when the sun is at its zenith, it must, according to the law of heaven, turn toward its setting, and at its nadir it rises toward a new dawn. In obedience to the same law, the moon when it is full begins to wane, and when empty of light it waxes again. This heavenly law works itself out in the fates of men also. It is the law of earth to alter the full and to contribute to the modest. High mountains are worn down by the waters, and the valleys are filled up. It is the law of fate to undermine what is full and to prosper the modest. And men also hate fullness and love the modest.

The destinies of men are subject to immutable laws that must fulfill themselves. But man has it in his power to shape his fate, according as his behavior exposes him to the influence of benevolent or of destructive forces. When a man holds a high position and is nevertheless modest, he shines with the light of wisdom; if he is in a lowly position and is modest, he cannot be passed by. Thus the superior man can carry out his work to the end without boasting of what he has achieved.

THE IMAGE

Within the earth, a mountain:
The image of MODESTY.
Thus the superior man reduces that which is too much,
And augments that which is too little.
He weighs things and makes them equal.

The wealth of the earth in which a mountain is hidden is not visible to the eye, because the depths are offset by the height of the mountain. Thus high and low competent each other and the result is the plain. Here an effect that it took a long time to achieve, but that in the end seems easy of accomplishment and self-evident, is used as the image of modesty. The superior man does the same thing when he establishes order in the world; he equalizes the extremes that are the source of social discontent and thereby creates just and equable conditions.

Published on September 30, 2016 at 6:00 by

A walk

Today, Wednesday 28 September, i walked through the Kralingse Bos. First i walked past the allotments Nooitgedacht, Neverthought. Big gardens with a small little house at the end. Some people were there, some working, some talking, some lying in the sun. The gardens looked lovely. Most had a part of vegetables and a part of ornamental gardens. Flowers and pumkpins.

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After this i went into the Kralingse Bos. I took a familiar route. The Verborgenlaantje, the Hidden Track. At the lake, a small inlet close to the restaurant, i sat down close to the water. I slowly laid down, my head staring up at the sky, shielded from the sun. Many thoughts ran through my mind, almost random. Thoughts of me talking with people i never met. Or only fleetingly. Thoughts of past talks i had with friends. Dream thoughts of events never happened. Also thoughts about myself, my future. Thoughts about work.

I did get some money back from the Dutch taxes, so that is what is keeping my afloat for the next month or so. I remember thinking about my talk with Soto at the garden. I do feel stable, straight. I do not see myself going homeless and getting lost. No.

I am wondering why things do take me this long.

I eat my apple. I stand up and start walking back home.

At home i lie on my couch for a while. Watching Escape to the Country. I think about my different attitude to formerly favourite tv shows. Like Expeditie Robinson. I do like the idea of this show, but the game in it i don’t like that much. I can not see myself ever joining a show like this. Also Masterchef Australia i watch, with that same feeling. It is all thought of as a tv show, with that needed tension between participants. Each and everyone going for its own advantage.

I still like The Great British Bake Off. In that show there is no direction competition between the contestants. It is all decided by the jury, Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood. So yes, this is still my favourite show right now. With the Dutch version a bit behind. I’m guessing Dutch cooks are just a bit worse than the British ones.

I watch De Wereld Draait Door.

Mars. People are mad. Crazy! Who on earth would want to go to Mars? And never come back? That barren red dusty planet? Crazy!

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I had picked up some hazelnuts in the forest. I haven’t tasted them yet.

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Some photos i took while lying down. The sky. The clear blue sky. Only a few clouds. Lovely.

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My head is still full of thoughts. I still feel different each and every day. That is a good feeling. I feel myself growing.

I do feel myself letting go of fantasies. Even though i do know i needed them. To make me feel happy. To make me strive for something.

I feel myself looking at the world. At the news. The Clinton – Trump debate two nights ago. The Dutch prime minister Rutte. The Zero Waste Home talk on youtube. I should write a bit about that. I’ve been writing bits and pieces so far.

It is lovely weather still.

Hmm, the letting go of fantasies. A bit maybe? But at times i still have ’em. My life is getting busier, but i still have lots of time for myself. So yeah.

I wonder what will happen next.

Published on September 29, 2016 at 6:00 by

Talking Heads

Number 3 on my Top 4 of Best Groups in the Entire World of All Time!

Talking Heads

I bought my first Talking Heads album in 1980: Remain in Light. Shortly after i bought the previous three albums: Talking Heads: 77, More Songs About Buildings and Food, Fear of Music.

One memory i have of listening to the Talking Heads was a time when i was alone in the house i grew up in. My parents were on vacation. I was standing in the kitchen and doing the dishes. In the kitchen there were two audio speakers hanging. The Talking Heads were playing. Up until this day i have these feelings of wet hands, dishes in the soapy water and the music of Talking Heads in my head.

Remain In Light up until today is my favourite album of the Talking Heads. I enjoyed their previous albums. Especially Fear of Music, but also songs from the first and the second album. Jonathan Lethem writes about his love for Fear of Music in his book called exactly that: Fear of Music.

“Life During Wartime” was all over the clubs. It sounded fantastic, and at 2, 3, maybe 4 in the morning, after a set at Danceteria, it was the perfect New York City record. It was the perfect New York City record no matter what club you were in. It had flashing lights and warning signs and the sound of gunfire mixed in with a lethal groove. That was New York City in 1979.

Over the next years i kept on buying the new albums coming out. Speaking in Tongues, 1983. Stop Making Sense, 1984, their live concert film directed by Jonathan Demme. This film starts with Psycho Killer, a song from their first album 77. It is this version i used for my a cappella version of Psycho Killer.

Little Creatures was released in 1985. I loved the cover of this album. I remember reading a review about this album, reading that the Talking Heads were sounding more and more normal, more and more mainstream. This was a collective effort of many then current bands.

I bought the next two albums of the Talking Heads, yes. But my big love of them was getting smaller. True Stories didn’t really hit me. I did like Naked, their 1988 release.

It got quiet after 1988. At December 1991 the dissolution of the Talking Heads was made official.

Over the years the Talking Heads played a background role in my world of music. Making my Mixtapes on Spotify made me think about them more. Listening to their music made me think about the meaning of it to me. I don’t like every single song, but yes, a lot of these songs have a special place to me.

One memory stands out. I was listening to Little Creatures, still living at home, upstairs in my own room, lying on the couch. I was looking at the plants above me, standing on the window sill. I suddenly had an eerie feeling that i could move something standing on there but not touching it. It scared me. I didn’t even try.

Of course, i would have failed. That is not what this memory is about. Later on i realized how i felt after i turned away. It was not my place to try something like this. I was not very interested in it, truthfully. I still am not. And this makes me feel very happy.

inbetween

The next photos are of all the Talking Heads albums i have. These albums i bought between 1980 and 1988. I don’t have any singles or twelve inches. I also don’t have any cd’s.

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All 16 songs of Stop Making Sense in a youtube playlist

Published on September 27, 2016 at 6:00 by

Pet Shop Boys

Over the next few weeks i’ll be doing my Top 4 of Best Groups in the Entire World of All Time!

Why a Top 4? Well, that is easy, those are the ones that are clear to me. I have many other favourite songs, favourite performers, favourite bands, favourite singer songwriters, but these are in a big jumble. In this group there are such greats as Michael Jackson, David Bowie, Prince, Beastie Boys, Madonna, Bjork.

But the top 4 are special. To me.

So i start with the lowest number, but still the first band who for a long period of time were my best. With songs, with songwriting, with packaging, with photography, with videos. My number 4 are the Pet Shop Boys.

I taped their first two albums around 1986 / 1987, from my neighbours living below me. They asked me to take care of their goldfish, which i did. I saw the Pet Shop Boys albums there and borrowed them.

The first album i bought was Introspective. I loved loved loved the packaging. It still is one of my ultimate favourite album sleeves. Left To my Own Devices is one of my favourite songs ever. The next album, Behaviour, was released in 1990. Being Boring has a great lyric and Bruce Weber made an excellent video with boys and girls enjoying each other. “I loved the lyrics”, he explained “and really felt it was something I wanted to be part of… in it there’s the feeling that times are different today, and the feeling of abandoness we can’t have today because of the way the world is”

Discography was the first proper CD i bought. I didn’t even have a CD-player then, but i wanted it. After their next cd, Very, it sort of stopped for me. I did buy most of their next CD’s, but to me, i’m sad to say, the magic left. Some songs i still enjoyed though. The song they wrote for Robbie Williams, No Regrets, i loved. But i admit i only listened to their new stuff once or twice, liking it a bit, but then simply forgot. I’m still happy they around and working though.

The singles i bought during my studies, when i needed to be extra careful with the money i spend. Most of these were one guilder purchases when they were out of the top 40.

One thing i alwasys liked about Neil Tennant was that he had worked for Smash Hits. I was a fan of this magazine for years, especially in the late 80s. I did look up while writing this piece, i didn’t even know they stopped existing in 2006! I got to remember this for another post, i still have piles of the old magazine in the bookcase staring at me.

I still love the old songs. A few newer ones, sure. But a song like Left To My Own Devices stands out to me. Tomorrow i’ll sing this song as the last song on my soundcloud.

Salute!

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Made by a friend of mine: Han Hoogerbrugge

Published on September 20, 2016 at 6:00 by

Work on what has been spoiled

First i wanted to write a bit today. But during the evening i changed my mind. I threw the I Ching this evening. Curious what it would tell me, how it would reflect my current situation. I do feel i need to work hard, seriously, with all my effort. Of course writing this now, after i threw it, is a bit like cheating.

So here is what i wrote beforehand.

Dreams keep on coming. When i’m alone. Will things really go as see them before me? Largely?

I did take some photos in the afternoon, some in the garden, some in the fruit orchard in the old train station at the other side of the tracks. There was a bamboo event organized there this weekend. I loved the high grass field. I walked through it twice. Great!

46. Shêng / Pushing Upward

The lower trigram, Sun, represents wood, and the upper, K’un, means the earth. Linked with this is the idea that wood in the earth grows upward. In contrast to the meaning of Chin, PROGRESS (35), this pushing upward is associated with effort, just as a plant needs energy for pushing upward through the earth. That is why this hexagram, although it is connected with success, is associated with effort of the will. In PROGRESS the emphasis is on expansion; PUSHING UPWARD indicates rather a vertical ascent-direct rise from obscurity and lowliness to power and influence.

THE JUDGMENT
PUSHING UPWARD has supreme success.
One must see the great man.
Fear not.
Departure toward the south
Brings good fortune.

The pushing upward of the good elements encounters no obstruction and is therefore accompanied by great success. The pushing upward is made possible not by violence but by modesty and adaptability. Since the individual is borne along by the propitiousness of the time, he advances. He must go to see authoritative people. He need not be afraid to do this, because success is assured. But he must set to work, for activity (this is the meaning of “the south”) brings good fortune.

THE IMAGE
Within the earth, wood grows:
The image of PUSHING UPWARD.
Thus the superior man of devoted character
Heaps up small things
In order to achieve something high and great.

Adapting itself to obstacles and bending around them, wood in the earth grows upward without haste and without rest. Thus too the superior man is devoted in character and never pauses in his progress.

Six at the top means:
Pushing upward in darkness.
It furthers one
To be unremittingly persevering.

He who pushes upward blindly deludes himself. He knows only advance, not retreat. But this means exhaustion. In such a case it is important to be constantly mindful that one must be conscientious and consistent and must remain so. Only thus does one become free of blind impulse, which is always harmful.

18. Ku / Work on what has been spoiled [ Decay ]

The Chinese character ku represents a bowl in whose contents worms are breeding. This means decay. IT is come about because the gentle indifference in the lower trigram has come together with the rigid inertia of the upper, and the result is stagnation. Since this implies guilt, the conditions embody a demand for removal of the cause. Hence the meaning of the hexagram is not simply “what has been spoiled” but “work on what has been spoiled”.

THE JUDGMENT

WORK ON WHAT HAS BEEN SPOILED
Has supreme success.
It furthers one to cross the great water.
Before the starting point, three days.
After the starting point, three days.

What has been spoiled through man’s fault can be made good again through man’s work. IT is not immutable fate, as in the time of STANDSTILL, that has caused the state of corruption, but rather the abuse of human freedom. Work toward improving conditions promises well, because it accords the possibilities of the time. We must not recoil from work and danger-symbolized by crossing of the great water-but must take hold energetically. Success depends, however, on proper deliberation. This is expressed by the lines, “Before the starting point, three days. After the starting point, three days.” We must first know the cause of corruption before we can do away with them; hence it is necessary to be cautious during the time before the start. Then we must see to it that the new way is safely entered upon, so that a relapse may be avoided; therefore we must pay attention to the time after the start. Decisiveness and energy must take the place of inertia and indifference that have led to decay, in order that the ending may be followed by a new beginning.

THE IMAGE

The wind blows low on the mountain:
The image of DECAY.
Thus the superior man stirs up the people
And strengthens their spirit.

When the wind blow s slow on the mountain, it is thrown back and spoils the vegetation. This contains a challenge to improvement. It is the same with debasing attitudes and fashions; they corrupt human society. His methods likewise must be derived from the two trigrams, but in such a way that their effects unfold in orderly sequence. The superior must first remove stagnation by stirring up public opinion, as the wind stirs up everything, and must strengthen and tranquilize the character of the people, as the mountain gives tranquillity and nourishment to all that grows in its vicinity.

The six on the sixth line in the first sign is a bit of a worry. Unremittingly persevering. As it explains:

In such a case it is important to be constantly mindful that one must be conscientious and consistent and must remain so. Only thus does one become free of blind impulse, which is always harmful.

Number 18 i actually did remember correctly, Work on what has been spoiled, Werk aan het bedorvene. It means work on what has gone stagnant, what is smelling of rot.

Truthfully, in this time, these signs actually make a lot of sense to me. I do know i need to work hard now. I have some plans for the next week. A vlog about the shops and supermarket around me. A plan i had since last year, but never finished. A visit to the newly opened Museum Voorlinden, Wednesday or Thursday.

I know i should worry about money a bit more, but really, these plans are begging for my attention, they do want to be done. So i’m gonna work on them will all my heart and soul.

Salute!

Published on September 19, 2016 at 6:00 by

A present

I went to my mother today. We spend some time together. It was good. She gave me this present. It is from her mother, my grandmother, mijn oma. I never saw it before.

Thank you mom.

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Published on September 15, 2016 at 6:00 by

Insane

Yes. Insane.

I am not doing the right thing to keep my house. I am not doing the right thing to take care of my cats. To take care of me. To take care of my health.

I need to work to make money to pay my mortgage, to pay my food, to pay food for my cats, to pay for my diabetes medicine, to pay for my cats medicine, to pay for the energy i use, to pay for the phone i use, to pay for television and internet access.

I know. Insane.

A year ago i wrote a post My futures.

I know the private life. I have lived it for the past thirty years. It’s difficult and hard work. There is peace and quiet. And loneliness.

So, if i have to make a choice, i’d rather choose a public life. It will be equally hard work, it will be equally difficult. But it is also filled with friends. I will not have complete freedom in choosing the things i do. But on the whole, i think i will be happier. A bit messier too. But that’s alright.

I am not leading this public life yet. I am talking with people i meet on the streets. One time i saw a man on the Beursplein yelling at the people passing him by. Yelling they were racist, treating him wrong. I walked up to him and said that i didn’t agree with what he was saying. I hugged him. He started to cry. This was all i could do.

Most people i talk to tell me about their lives. One woman spoke to me about the boys in her neighborhood, who threaten to enter her house. A man told me about his volunteer jobs and the various functions he had as volunteer.

I try to look at people’s faces when i walk past them. Some do not see me at all, they walk by, their eyes turned down, hiding from everyone. Some say hi. Some react like i am trapping them. A girl once said to her boyfriend that i was staring at her, turning to him for protection. I simply walked by and caught her eyes, that was it.

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I am working in the Peace Garden since April this year. I did start a few years ago in the Gandhi Garden, but didn’t follow it through then. I am happy i am working in the garden now. Happy to meet new people, who are all different, but still the same in some key areas. Care of this world, care of the food they eat.

Soil is the second biggest reservoir of carbon on the planet, next to the oceans. It holds four times more carbon than all the plants and trees in the world. But human activity like deforestation and industrial farming – with its intensive ploughing, monoculture and heavy use of chemical fertilisers and pesticides – is ruining our soils at breakneck speed, killing the organic materials that they contain. Now 40% of agricultural soil is classed as “degraded” or “seriously degraded”. In fact, industrial farming has so damaged our soils that a third of the world’s farmland has been destroyed in the past four decades.

Reading this article Our best shot at cooling the planet might be right under our feet on the Guardian website makes me so mad. We are ruining the earth under our feet. Using technology and science to make excuses for ourselves. We need more food, we say! But we throw away around 40% of all the food we harvest.

We are all insane. We are all living in this dream, where things are right, where what we do makes sense, where we live the best life we possibly can. Because we have the science. We are right. We say.

I do not agree.

I am not the first person to say this. To be honest, i feel more like the last person to say this. I have bought my food in the supermarket for years. I have worked for money for years. I am living in my house for the past 21 years. I went along in the same dreamy rhythm as almost anyone else living here, paying taxes and mortgages and energy and all other stuff a person uses in this western world.

I am not saying i have all, if any answers. But i do remember how i used to view this world growing up and for a large part of my adult life. As me simply a part of the world. This world which seemed to go at its own pace towards its own goal. Me tagging along. Trying to find a right spot for myself.

It is not like that. We all are here living on this earth with a certain responsibility towards its destiny. It is not politicians who decide, not businessmen, not scientists. Each and every one of us can make the choice to make this world a better place.

I wrote this in Food. I still feel like this. I actually feel even more like this.

Each and every one of us can make the choice to make this world a better place.

I should say this differently.

Each and every one of us makes a choice: to make this world a better place – or not.

So yes, i am insane.

I am stepping out. The money i still have is caught up in my house. It is not that i want to give my house up, certainly not. But in the end, if it is necessary, i will do that.

I will fight with my heart and soul for what i think we need to do. Take a step back. Take care of this planet, with our entire heart. Grow food in the soil, where we can. Think with our heads and hearts and hands. I will try my utmost to talk to other people about this. It is hard for me. It is easier for me to hide. But it has got to stop somewhere.

I have thought of myself as a queen of this new world. I am not that. I am a hard working woman with her hands in the earth, singing songs and filming videos and making walks and photographing the earth and the sky and the water around.

And yes.

I am insane.

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We have come to see ourselves as the lords and masters of the Earth, entitled to plunder her at will. The sickness evident in the soil, in the water, in the air and in all forms of life are symptoms that reflect the violence present in our hearts. We have forgotten that we ourselves are dust of the Earth; that we breathe her air and receive life from her waters.

Source: ENCYCLICAL LETTER – LAUDATO SI’ – OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS – ON CARE FOR OUR COMMON HOME

Published on September 13, 2016 at 6:00 by