Categories for My story

Not in love

It is Sunday morning. A bit warm. A bit cloudy. But still, the balcony door is open, the cats dozing of. A lovely morning.

I have chickpeas cooking. Beetroot in the oven. I’ll be making hummus with it in a few hours. A bit of tahin left over, but not enough. I’ll be putting some sunflower seeds in there too.

I just looked up a recipe for the sunflower seeds. I do need to roast them for around 5 – 10 minutes. They do need to be cool before you move on.

OK, done that.

I only need to add olive oil and blend them until smooth.

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I did just taste a chickpea. It is ok, but could do with a bit more cooking, for around half an hour or so.

Well, i hadn’t planned on writing about the hummus i’m about to make! I did set the category of this post to food too. I might even make a few pictures.

What i had planned was writing about not falling in love. Which is what i have planned for myself for the moment. I’m not sure though.

I came across this quote from Maya Angelou at Brain Pickings:

We need the courage to create ourselves daily, to be bodacious enough to create ourselves daily — as Christians, as Jews, as Muslims, as thinking, caring, laughing, loving human beings. I think that the courage to confront evil and turn it by dint of will into something applicable to the development of our evolution, individually and collectively, is exciting, honorable.

The courage to create yourself daily. That does speak to me. I do realize that posting this on this blog makes it open for others to see. That is my own choice. It forces me to keep on working on it. And i don’t mind. Well, not too much! Sometimes i’m embarrassed. Ouch.

It is difficult. I treasure the time at home. To listen to music. To watch tv. To read. Not as much as i would like, but still! To watch youtube. To read the whole internet! To cuddle my cats. To cook.

I have to reread what i wrote in my last post Work. I do try to keep things simple. But pfff, that takes much.

inbetween

It’s evening now. I didn’t do a lot of work in the garden. Nicole from the States came by and we talked for a long time about the garden, about why we work there, what we buy in a supermarket and other things. I showed her around. It was raining the whole time, but not cold, so i didn’t really mind that much. Once i was wet anyway.

I watched a bit of television. Grand Designs, De grote verbouwing, i love to watch. I had already seen the episode, but i still watched it.

Then i danced.

That was quite a few weeks, since i last danced. Took some time to get into it. I always dance with other people in my mind. People from the garden popped up. Marijn was there too, Liorah, Jeroen, Carolien. I was inviting them to come to dance with me. It was good.

And then the thought hit me. I should fill up my life. I should be as happy as i can be. Time alone is part of that, of course. But i also love to be with other people. Simply talk with them. Enjoy life.

I do not know everything. I have so many things to learn.

But i do realize that the past year and a half i’ve been happy, all by myself. In a very quiet way. Other people will have hardly noticed it. i’m sure. But yes, the Turkish man selling big potatoes and kebab on the market has noticed it. People eating chips at the side of the library have noticed it.

So yes, fill up my life with the things i want to do. Be as happy as i possibly can.

😀

Ooh, the title of this post. Yes, not fall in love. If i can. 😉

Published on May 30, 2016 at 6:00 by

Solitude

I am alone.

I don’t mind. I’ve been alone a large part of my life.

Solitude. It can be difficult to keep yourself together in solitude. To trust yourself. Not other people outside of your own world, who keep on saying the same thing over and over again. Be sensible. Be smart.

I do know i am not the one to choose my life. It is chosen for me, by the world outside me, by the people all around. By what they do, by what they do not do.

A life alone or a life in the midst of the world.

I am not the one to pick either. I can only lead my life, the way i see is best.

The rest will follow.

Published on May 26, 2016 at 6:00 by

My dream life

Half my life is a dream life. The past year and a half, these dreams i did not have sleeping, i had them awake. Sometimes during the day, other times during the night.

Night dreams are usually stronger, more vivid. Less distraction. I spend some times crying in my bed. Not out of unhappiness. From pure emotion, sadness, happiness, hopelessness all mixed together.

All these dreams happened when i was in my house or in the train. Immovable. In the train listening to music, my mind following its own pace.

When i’m outside of my house, shopping or walking, or both, i don’t dream. I look around, at the people, at the trees, the birds and dogs.

I’m still at home a lot, by myself. I work at ellenpronk.com, sometimes i have some paid work, sometimes i play a game, sometimes i watch tv. And the rest of the time i dream. Daydream. Nightdream.

These dreams are all connected. They move forward slowly. My current dreams are so different from a year ago.

I am observing my dreams. Letting them happen is one thing. Thinking about them is another. That is hard. The dreams are my ultimate fantasy, my ultimate life, the things i wish for most.

I dream i am invited in a television show. The last week i see other shows, but i usually pick De wereld draait door. The past day i had a dream i started to sing. Do Re Mi. From the Sound of Music. I did sing My favorite things a few months ago.

I am directing the sentences to people in the audience. A line for the table man or lady. A line for Matthijs. A line for Pauline Cornelisse. A line for Hadewych Minis. Applause. Huge!

Well. Let’s start with saying that the things i dream about are most likely not to happen. Not entirely, not literally. But yes, i confess, i am curious about getting on television, getting asked questions. It is dangerous. I might close up. These dreams to me are exercises. What if something like this would happen, how would i react?

I am still living quietly. Still waiting. But i also do know that a change can happen suddenly.

Falling in love is my ultimate dream. I used to fall in love a lot more when i was younger. Hopelessly. Dreams full of romantic images. A body full of feelings. It took me a long time to get a bit of control over these feelings. I would have given up everything if someone would have fallen in love with me. Sadly nobody did. Ooh, that is not true, i do think some did, but they were so shy and polite, they never said anything to me and looked me in the eyes. I only got a card from someone from art school. I didn’t know how to handle that. So i said nothing. I also remember getting a letter from someone while i was studying in Delft, but that story never left the paper.

A year and a half ago i had this crush on someone i met at work. I do remember seeing his wedding ring. At that moment i felt the romantic feeling leaving me. A breath of fresh air. That felt good.

The feelings were still there though. So i had to find someone way outside of my world. Someone i would never meet. Someone living in another world. I don’t know how i made that switch. But i remember standing in the train, while i was still working and thinking about him. So stupid. But also very tempting.

Over the past year and a half there were moments i could leave this feeling of love. I had conversations with myself, in which i was very stern with myself. Stupid girl! Do not do this. It is a dream, it is not real. But deep in the dark of night, where my daytime mind leaves me and the night enters, i dream away.

I should apologize really. Not that it had any effect on this person, since he doesn’t know. It is just my own private little heaven on this planet. A place i know i should leave. If i want to make something of my life. If i want to start talking, be in this world. If i want to dance, sing, talk, sleep, walk, smile, laugh, be quiet, be happy. I would like my life to be too busy to dream away.

So yeah, this person, David Gamson, i might meet someday. Or not. I probably will turn red. Or not. I don’t know. I hope by that time i will be busier than i am now. I do hope my life will get busier. Soon.

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Published on May 11, 2016 at 6:00 by

School reports

My school reports. From the age of six, at the lower school, till the age of 27 at the end of art school. High school i did enjoy loads. Yep. I really enjoyed mathematics, physics and chemistry. Once i could drop French and German i did so. I really didn’t like learning things which had no logic in them. To me anyway.

The first report from high school, in class B5, is my secret pride and joy: only the grades eight and nine. Other than that, i detested that year. I was happy to move into the second year A with Latin. Much better.

My grades did fall down over the years. The switch from Delft Technical University to art school was one of finally giving in. A month before i had my exams from high school i was free, to study for my exams. That is the time i started to draw again. And make earrings. While studying in Delft i did keep up with drawing. Friends of mine did go to art school, and in Rotterdam i got to know more people who were going there as well. So it did start to pull me more and more.

The first year at art school was wonderful. One of the best years of my life. It did get worse after that. Of course. Choosing painting was not good, and i couldn’t continue with it. Cuz of the O’s i got at the end of the year. Picking photography and monumental was better, and i did end up somewhere. Not sure where, but i did find something i was interested in.

In 1997 i started again, with my website. Studying, playing, experimenting, finding things, trying out. I loved it.

The eight years after 2006 were empty of works. I didn’t stop thinking about it for a long time. It did grow less and less. In the first part of 2014 i didn’t feel good, i hardly worked. I was a mess. And then, suddenly, in October 2014, i started again. No things i had to fix, no pages i needed to work out. I simply started again. And i kept on going. Until i could finally finish my presents with an about page. And two weeks after that i started blogging here on ellenpronk.com.

I know i’m a bit silly working on this website so hard. I probably should work for money more. Try to get work somehow. But, somehow, i feel things will work out.

Enjoy these old school reports. No translation, sorry non-Dutch reading people. You can read the figure’s and letter i got. I do hope you enjoy reading this!

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Published on May 5, 2016 at 6:00 by

Falling in love

Last night i was lying awake, around four. I wanted to sleep, but it just didn’t happen. At one point i turned on the lights and got my iPad and played a game. And turned the iPad away again. In the dark, i was thinking of writing a post about falling in love. Which of course i have written before. Sex. Love. Daydreaming. Art.

Falling in love. It is still my biggest dream. Apart from becoming famous. *grin*

I do feel different. Different from when i was younger. Growing up, feeling all these emotions. I always felt too awkward, too closed up inside myself to really get someone’s attention. Looking back, i see my fallings in love were from a very young person. I remember my last one, which i could quite easily hold back once i realized he was married. The first time i was able to do that. Luckily.

So yes, i do know i have grown over the past ten years. I like myself better now. More open, more curious about other people. Not that the biggest part of me is still very private, not that i really enjoy being with myself.

Today i was at the Vredestuin. Some seeding, courgettes. Some planting, onions. Some harvesting, spinach. Some talking to the other people working in the garden. I loved it.

I’m gonna leave this post as it is. I am tired. An early night for me.

PS. I don’t know if i was right in saying here i felt awkward when i was younger. I might have been too closed up inside. But it seems to me i was quite happy on my own. I was never bothered with it. I remember the summer of 1986, just before i went to art school. And the summer of 87. I don’t think i saw one single person.

There is also the switch in going out. When i lived in Vlaardingen and had a group of friends, we did go out, in Rotterdam most of the time. But when i moved to Rotterdam, i had lost contact with that group, and i simply didn’t go out anymore.

Published on May 2, 2016 at 6:00 by

Art

It is hard to write an introduction for pages which do not exist yet. Usually these pages of a book are written last, when the contents of the book are known. It is the place where the reader is given an clue of what to expect, the place where acknowledgements are made. Only rarely do i read those pages thoroughly myself. I skip to the contents, the index and the bibliography. You might wanna do the same thing, so i can indulge myself here a little further.

It is hard to write an introduction to pages which do not yet exist. I did set out some guidelines for myself though. I will try to think of these pages as a public diary, a sketchbook. This will give me some freedom, not everything i do needs to be ‘perfect’ and ‘planned’. Ofcourse this is only to help myself, i am a terrible control freak, often prone to a paralysing doubt about what i do and its value. I actually thought i had given up my work for good; i had found a nice job where i feel happy enough, but quite suddenly i felt the need to rethink my old work, which i made when i was at artschool (’86-’91). The idea of combining my old work and the internet breathed new life in it. For a couple of months i was thinking about this new work. The main reason i would like this to be a sketchbook is that i realise i have to start making things. Its been quite some time since i’ve really worked and i know i have to go through the first disasters before i can come up with some quality – i hope. The internet is a nice fluid medium, where pages can appear and disappear in no time.

I am not sure how these pages will develop, i don’t know how frequent the updates will be. It might be less than i anticipate at this moment. Maybe, when you read this somewhere in the future, you will know more than i do now. Maybe than, where there is nothing now, there will be something for you to discover.

This text was published on 1 July 1997 on www.luna.nl/~ellen. In 1999 i moved my website to lfs.nl.

Looking back on my time spend working on lfs.nl, calling it a sketchbook was a good thing. Liberating. I could take breaks, days or weeks long. I could do anything i wanted.

I remember thinking that i would end it, someday. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know when. When i stopped, in 2006, i knew it wasn’t ended yet. The present i made in 2009, To do’s, was an impossible present in which i tried to get back to work. It failed.

In 2014 i simply started again. Making canvas presents. Writing. Making photos. Like i had never stopped. And then, in January 2015, i got the idea of making an about page.

Then the thought came up: this will be the last present.

I knew it. The moment i thought that, i knew it.

It took me a week to write the about page. The perfect ending. Not that what i wrote was all wisdom, hell no. But it fitted the sketchbook idea. It fitted with me, at that time. I had no idea what i was going to do next.

I didn’t know that in two weeks time i would start a blog. On ellenpronk.com. A domain i had registered years before. For which i had made several designs, none worked out. A domain i used for my work. Several subdomains of work for clients. Now, in two weeks, i had made a design and worked out the theme, started with a Blank WordPress Theme.

I knew i would post five updates a week. I loved making the Beauty posts, Food, Rotterdam. In summer i added a few more categories: My story, Songs. And finally Video Clips.

These clips are special to me. I loved how they came from my walks outside. I loved choosing the music for them.

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In 1991 i finished art school. My final work were my selfportraits with the text Feel Me Fuck Me Free Me.

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I really had no idea why i had made this. I remember having a halfway exhibition at art school with much more modest photos and texts. Comments from other people got me to try to be bolder and more in your face.

In the years after this i had a small assignment, an exhibition in Breda at Lokaal 01. But it wasn’t working. Not for me. I didn’t know what my work was about, why i made it. I was throwing things in the dark.

So when i found the chance to get a job, at a printer, i took it. One weekend of thinking about this and yes, i went for it. At least i was earning my own keep. And learning things. Living regularly, working with other people. We made a cd for Christmas one year, which was great. All songs written by colleagues. All instruments played by colleagues. Wonderful.

After five years i was done with it. I simply couldn’t continue. I stopped. I gave a great party, the Party of a Millennium. And i started a much more quiet job at a small design firm in Rotterdam.

Nine months after that i went to London. I actually got a job through my website. Which was a dream coming true. Well, i hoped it would be. The company went bust after around 6 months. But it also didn’t go that well. There was hardly any work. I was let go before the others. They extended my trial period. I did worry about that a bit. And yes, after two weeks i had the talk. Bye bye.

I got some small jobs in London. After a year or two i was back at the design company in Rotterdam.

I felt i had failed, to be honest.

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I had only stopped making things for a couple of years. In 1997 i started making things for online. I didn’t call it art. I was simply enjoying myself. Flash was my first great discovery. I loved it! April 2000 i made Dream, which generated many visitors and responses.

I’m not sure why i stopped making presents in 2006. I had been going on for nine years. I could have stopped it then. I didn’t. I felt empty. No ideas were coming up. I had this to do list in 2009. Some of these to do’s i haven’t even done now. Five years of silence followed.

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So here i am, on 14 April 2016.

This website, this blog, i love. The past year, five days a week, i made a post. I publish each post at 6:00 in the morning. This means i do most of the work the day before. I like it. It gives me a bit of time to think, a bit of time to reread, a bit of time to let it settle down. Not all posts are equally good. Like this week, View is a weak one. But that is fine.

So what do i want?

I could go back to work. It is not that bad. I make enough money that way.

But that is not what i want.

I love the walks. Around Rotterdam, on the beach, through the park. I love the talks with people i do not know. I love the smiles, the saying hello.

Right now my life is bare. A lot of time for myself. A lot of time to waste.

What do i want?

I wrote about my choice in life: a public life or a private life.

Then, exactly a year ago, i picked a public life. In my life since then nothing much has changed. Well, a few things have. I don’t have my old drawings anymore. That i actually gave them away is a big thing for me.

I still pick a public life. It is not that i want to become famous. That is more a byproduct. I want to meet people, talk with them, look at them, listen to them. I actually would love to travel a bit more. So far that has been low on my wish list. But i would love to see the world, get to know it a bit better. And talk about that here, on ellenpronk.com. As i already do now, but on a smaller scale.

I feel i am getting ready. A bit more. Not that i am perfectly quiet and still and prepared. It is more that i am less afraid. More curious. It is like, i was never that interested in the outside world before. I was just happy doing my own thing. I can still be like that. But i am more aware of what is going on outside. I’m not always right, but i do like to think and look and speak.

So is this art?

Most of the things i make can not be sold. Most of the things i make can not be owned by a single person. Some could be, i guess, but i will not sell them. So i do have to find a way to make a living, to earn money.

I could be a table lady at De wereld draait door.

I could have an article published in a newspaper.

Those two things have been on my mind this past year. I expect more will come to me soon. Hopefully.

I don’t know if this is art.

My favourite Dutch artist is Katinka Simonse, Tinkebell. She is couragous. Outspoken. Outgoing. Actually, she is all the things i would love to be.

I do need to find my own thing.

Well, i did find the songs and the video clips. I love love to make them. Especially the video clips. Wonderful.

I need to make some steps into the world.

I really really do.

Published on April 15, 2016 at 6:00 by

My day

11 April 21:01
I’ll be updating this post during the day. I’m writing this the evening before. I will also schedule this post to go public tomorrow morning at 6am. As i do every working day. Nothing new there.

Enjoy!

12 April 9:53

Breakfast

A photo posted by Ellen Pronk (@ellenlfs) on

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Mornings are a slow time for me. I did get out of bed around 7:30, gave the cats some food, went to the toilet. After that i went straight back to bed. I did go my rss feeds, but quickly i put aside my iPad and fell asleep. With Mieke, the little black and white cat, sleeping on the bed.

I got out at 9:15. Boiled an egg, cleaned up the catty litter box. Ate my breakfast. I sat behind the computer and went through facebook and twitter. Nothing much is happening. I read again an article from Trouw about psychologist Zimbardo, ‘Iedereen is een held in opleiding’. I do recognize bits of myself in here: how i walk through the city, looking at other people, trying to say hello or goodday as much as possible. Talk to other people as much as i can. A week ago, when i was looking at the archeologists working at the church, a man walked past and looked as well. We started to talk. He was still fit, looked great for his age, 87. He enjoyed talking. Most people do, it’s rare that i talk. But i did meet a man, also last week, who asked me questions. If i had sisters or brothers. How i felt. We shaked hands. He gave me one euro. I laughed. I wasn’t asking, but he still gave it. I remember the man in the supermarket i started talking to. And the little kiss on the cheek i gave him. I was a bit surprised after that, by myself.

I opened up warcraft. I been playing on a private server, the Rebirth. The past week has been hectic. Another private server, a much larger one, Nostalrius, had to close down Sunday 10 April, since they had a cease-and-desist order from Blizzard. The Rebirth only got a small portion of Nostalrius players, but it still means the population has grown around six times over. When i logged into the game this morning, there were around 250 players on alliance side. Usually, on a weekday morning, there are around ten or twenty players online. Global is filled with chat. There are some griefers back too, but on the whole it’s been a blessing to have so many new people in the game. A breath of fresh air.

I did do a Stockade’s run in a level appropriate run. It used to be so hard to find a group of people wanting to do a dungeon run. Now it’s like a field day. Loving it as long as it lasts.

Going to the market soon. Get some food in the house.

14:32
Ooh man, i got money back from my taxes over 2013. I just opened the letters i got from the tax service. I had to look if i had to pay back or receive. Hard to see. Then i checked my bank and wow! i got it back!

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Right now cooking a officially named Saffron and Broad bean paella. No saffron, no dry sherry. But i did add fennel, a bell pepper, a hot pepper and french beans. Enough for two days. I have blanched the broad beans for a minute or so and removed the skins. They are all fresh and green now waiting for the paella to be finished.

I’m already thinking about tomorrow’s post. No idea! Hmmm. Still enough time.

20:24
Tomorrows post is done!

Turns out today was a really average day. Well, apart from the money i got back from the tax office. That made me really happy. Still does. I still need to be careful, but wow, such an unexpected surprise.

Lets just see how it goes tomorrow. I do want to work on a new video clip. Not sure i have enough clips for it. It is a long song i’m using, 7 or 8 minutes. Not sure i will get it done tomorrow.

I also want to write more on my post about my art background. Started weeks ago. I have thought about it, but nothing definite. I know i could write it in the time i have, but not sure this week it’ll be ready in my mind.

I’m gonna watch a bit more tv now. Nothing too exciting. Snowwhite, with Julia Roberts and Lily Collins is on. At 9pm its Bake off: Creme de la Creme. Not sure which one i’ll be watching. I’m going to bed quite early. Like to anyway.

I hope you will enjoy your evening. Where ever you are.

*kiss*

21:27
I started watching the Snowwhite movie. I had already seen it. It’s a bit.. well, i don’t really like it that much. So i switched to the Bake Off series. Also not my favourite. But, it did get me thinking. Of baking something tomorrow. Something sweet. To treat myself. Yay! Nothing too hard, and something that stay good for a while. A cake! So i did a quick search. A New York cheesecake. Hmmm… too much filling. A lemon cake with icing! That sounds good. A carrot cake. Ooh yummy. With the cream cheese frosting. I might pick one from Joy of Baking. Well, i got tomorrow to pick my recipe.

Carrot cake does sound good. Or chocolate!

I don’t know yet. Tomorrow!

Published on April 12, 2016 at 6:00 by

La Grande Parade

Stedelijk Museum Amsterdam
Highlights in Painting after 1940
15.12.1984 – 15.4.1985

Organisation exhibition
Edy de Wilde, Karel Schampers, Alexander van Grevenstein, Hendrik Driessen

This is the first ever art exhibition i remember visiting. I was still studying in Delft. A year later i would go to art School in Rotterdam.

I remember being surrounded by red. Who’s afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue by Barnett Newman. The first time i saw Giacometti, Fautrier. The later paintings from Georges Braque were exquisite. It was all new, beautiful, breathtaking to me. I knew Mondriaan, of course. But i had never seen these paintings before.

I found a review from the New York Times: ART: ‘GRANDE PARADE,’ AT THE STEDELIJK, published December 27, 1984. It is set in its time, of course. It is a white male exhibition. I didn’t think about that at all when i visited it.

I bought the catalogue. I am including photos from the pages. Better than looking up the images online. This sets the paintings in their proper surrounding.

These are the painters i picked, who stayed with me. Some grew, others diminished. My taste changed. Of course.

Still, even though the memories are vague, this exhibition has stayed with me. I don’t even remember if i went alone or together with someone else. The only real memory i have is the one from the Barnett Newman painting. Ooh, and Philip Guston. Not that i really liked his work, i didn’t. But that changed over the years!

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Published on April 7, 2016 at 6:00 by

A diary day

The weather was not bad. A bit grey, yes, but some blue patches inbetween. Not too cold. It will get warmer. Soon! Wind will be from the south southwest. Many clouds, but hardly any rain. A bit of sunshine. Time for me to plan a walk, Thursday or Friday. The Kralingse Bos. Later on a walk to the Rottemeren. On a real spring day.

My mind is so full of sex. Kisses. Skin on skin. Moist. Not sure why. I want to work. Write a good post about my history with art. Make a new video clip. Draw still lifes. And yes, well ok, sex would be nice too. It is hard to control my mind. I really do not get it. I know when it started, a year and a half ago. It is like, the more i can handle it, the more i can control my mind, the worse it gets. More vivid, more real. Like i can almost touch another body. Like i can feel someone hands going over mine. It’s not. It’s all in my mind.

*sigh*

I do realize this time will not last. A changing time.

Published on March 9, 2016 at 6:00 by

A day with my mum

Wednesday i went out and visited my mum and her husband Jan.

The trip up there usually takes around an hour by train. It was a bit longer this time. A sign failure. In Gouda the train stopped and went back to Rotterdam. I waited for a stop train to Utrecht, with almost all the people from the stopped train. It was really busy in the short stop train. But i had my music in my ears, watched outside at the beautiful sky, sometimes inside to all the people standing in the pathways. It was ok.

In Utrecht i walked to the train to Amersfoort, which was already standing there.

In the train i was thinking about my work. About this website. I had a couple of ideas for posts. One about the Dutch word eigenlijk. Translated to actually, genuine, really, true. Than the thought came up to write an article about my history with art. I already had the idea writing an article called Life is wonderful, but i have only the title, no content available yet. Thinking about these things brought tears to my eyes. Until we arrived in Gouda that is, when i had to get out.

The visit with my mum was great. I helped her getting a better view on her finances. Jan went sleeping. My mum and me talked about old photos. The marriage photos from my sister’s wedding in 1982. We all looked so young. Some vacation photos, photos from my cousins, the children from both my sisters. Some old photos from my mum, when she was a child. Lovely.

I stayed a couple of hours. The way back was a lot less eventful, simply straight back to Rotterdam. Just before the busy hour. The sky got darker. In Rotterdam it rained. I was happy i had a large hood on my coat to keep my hair dry. The music still in my ears.

Lots of things to think about. I have work to do!

Published on March 3, 2016 at 6:00 by