The night between last saturday and sunday i was lying awake thinking. Thinking about choosing between a private life and a public life. At one point i got out of bed and took the I Ching out of the bookcase and started reading it. I was looking for the line about that same choice. Which just happened to be in the first hexagram of the book.
I Ching Hexagram 1 – Ch’ien / The Creative
Nine in the fourth place means: Wavering flight over the depths. No blame.
A place of transition has been reached, and free choice can enter in. A twofold possibility is presented to the great man: he can soar to the heights and play an important part in the world, or he can withdraw into solitude and develop himself. He can go the way of the hero or that of the holy sage who seeks seclusion. There is no general law of his being. If the individual acts consistently and is true to himself, he will find the way that is appropriate for him. This way is right for him and without blame.
A part of me wants to shout out and go and bang and dance. Another part wants to stay quiet and think and observe.
The past months have been sort of crazy in my mind. I had many many daydreams, all different kinds. I did feel happy most of the time, but i also felt sad, hurt even. It usually stayed in me house. The walks… i love the walks. Going outside, looking around, watching the trees and shrubs and houses and roads and birds and people. A time out. Sometimes it felt hard going back inside once again.
These few months mean something for me. It’s six months ago since i had that sledge hammer feeling. Since then i am on this journey. A tightrope. One step at a time. I remember writing the about present on lfs.nl. The sudden realization that it was the last page of lfs.nl. This wasn’t me thinking rational. I just.. knew.
At the time i didn’t know i would start blogging on ellenpronk.com in a few weeks time. But that is what i did. After a week of designing, working out the categories, the layout i was. The domain i already registered a couple of years ago. I never got around of setting it up as a work website. I had tried. But i thought of a better way of using it.
My life has been very solitary so far. On the whole i didn’t mind that much. I enjoy my own company. But i would like to have friends. I would like to cook for more people. More people than just me. I would like to laugh a bit more. Talk some more.
I do listen to music a lot these days. I actually do sing along too. I like that. But it doesn’t fill the void.
I know the private life. I have lived it for the past thirty years. It’s difficult and hard work. There is peace and quiet. And loneliness.
So, if i have to make a choice, i’d rather choose a public life. It will be equally hard work, it will be equally difficult. But it is also filled with friends. I will not have complete freedom in choosing the things i do. But on the whole, i think i will be happier. A bit messier too. But that’s alright.
Ooh, in both scenario’s i will continue with ellenpronk.com. Of course. It’s what i do. I love this place. Truly.