I’ll be updating this blog post during the day. Enjoy!
10:19
My breakfast. Nothing unusual, this is my normal everyday breakfast. Soft boiled egg on a rye-spelt bread with a good spread of real butter. Not self baked this time, still good.
15:52
Went into town. I bought a brown bread with veal croquette. Homemade. Excellent. I made a walk about the town centre. Not that many smiles this time. People seemed closed, into themselves. Hmm. Went through the Markthal and bought some baklava. Yummy. On my way home i went past the wine shop and bought myself a dry Riesling. Back home now.
17:04
My two lovely cats enjoying the warmth. Until i woke them up making a picture of them of course.
20:41
It is just a normal day. I did feel my birthday a bit this morning, when i woke up. And yes, i did enjoy my walk through town. And the baklava. It was nice. Sweet. I did feel a bit lonely this afternoon, after i got home. I did think back of years ago, when i used to celebrate my birthday with friends. Some of them congratulated me on facebook today. It is a bit odd.
I did enjoy Liorah’s message:
Een prachtig nieuw levensjaar toegewenst waarin al je dromen uitkomen
Lovely.
No, i’m not sad. On the whole i’m happy. But i didn’t sing today. Which i do love to do. I did dance though, just yet. Sweat is still on my forehead. Great!
Yesterday i was thinking about what i would write here today. I wasn’t sure. I don’t think i will write something grandiose tonight. Don’t feel like it. Might not ever. I do think i will go and watch a bit more tv in a minute.
I am having a lovely day. All by myself. It’s fine.
The gig
I arrived the day before the gig. Since i picked the cheapest way possible, a coach, which also took the longest time to get to London. Including the trip on the train – first time! – around 9 1/2 hours. It all went good, i knew how to get to the place i had booked through airbnb, a large sofa in Camden Town. Only a short five minutes walking away from the Roundhouse.
The next day i made a walk to Hampstead Heath, not too far away. I visited Kenwood House, had a soup for lunch and got back to the sofa around three. Time to get ready! A short shower, put on my new leggings, and i started to do my make-up. Nothing too much, basically what i wore for my new selfie. I also applied the Écorce Sanguine nail polish i took with me. Finally i put on my red dress. A great opportunity to wear it for the very first time! I used my hair straightener to try to fashion my bangs a bit. They do curl up really soon.
I had posted a small message on the facebook group that i was going to be at the Roundhouse around seven and was fine meeting anyone. Tschië replied she would be there.
The waiting began. I drank a gin and tonic, said a brief hi to Rhodri and Dicky from the band sitting in the main bar. I listened to a rap singer outside the room, chatted with Tschië about the upcoming gig. I felt ok. Sort of. A bit nervous.
I went inside. Supporting act Rory Butler was singing.
I had a great seat! A row or two up from the ground floor, looking straight at the stage. See the picture at the top of this post to see my view. The only picture i took. I didn’t want to record anything, i simply wanted to enjoy the show and not be distracted by it.
After a short break the lights went on and everybody got in to get to their seats. It was busier than i thought. Good thing!
The band came up. Green had some trouble getting the strap for his guitar on right. He got some help from someone from the back. I had to smile. They started to play. The “Sweetest Girl”. I love that song. Love love love it.
The set was a mixture of every stage, every decade Scritti has existed. Some new songs too! A day late and a dollar short i do have, but i haven’t listened to it that much. I liked it. Brushed with oil, Dusted with powder has grown for me over the years, great song. Jacques Derrida and Asylums in Jerusalem! Petrococadollar is one of my faves. And of course Wood Beez and Absolute. And, i have said it before, but will say it again, some new songs!
The audience got more enthusiastic over time. Some people even stood up and danced. The little stories Green told before each song were charming. I might have known half of them, but who cares about that. At the end, the band got a standing ovation. We knew they were coming back. I mean, i could see the pages with lyrics texts on his standing desk. They should come back!
Two new songs in the encore. Slow Deceit and Willard van Orman Quine.
And then it was over.
And now, yes …, pfff …, a bit of a wait. I bumped into Green’s wife Alys just outside of the venue. She actually recognized me. I did talk to her a bit when they performed in Amsterdam in 2006.
In case you don’t know, haven’t read any other articles on this website: i did want to give Green drawings i made thirty years ago, 8 February 1986. When i made these drawings, i was still studying at the Technical University in Delft. I only lived in my own apartment in Rotterdam for two months. I always felt i should give these drawings away. I had given them away twice before, to my then current best friend. They both gave them back, i’m sad to say. I remember talking with friends about giving these drawings to Green ten years ago. They adviced against it. I listened to them. I don’t think i was ready then, to be honest. But this year i do think i was ready, with me working again on lfs.nl and ellenpronk.com after that, almost unknowingly – just a tiny little knowing somewhere inside – preparing myself, going ahead with the things i want to do.
It was nerve wrecking. I could see the people flooding him and asking for him to sign albums, asking him for a picture. I could see a sort of unease in him. It was very hard for me to approach him. I did get another gin and tonic. I tried to get to Green, but he was sidetracked by other people. I was thinking to myself, i could walk out. This was too much. I hadn’t calculated in all the other people wanting something. I realized i wanted something too.
Green sort of stepped in my view and said something to me. To be honest, i don’t remember what he said. He looked a bit tired. But it did give me a lift. Of course straight after that other people confiscated him. But i felt a bit happier. Alys stood close by. I told her: “I want to give Green a present”. I took the box out of my bag. She looked at it.
And there he was again.
I said to him: “I have a present for you.”
I gave him the box.
“Should i open it?” That is what he said. I think i opened it for him. My mind is a bit blurry.
It is like, you have these dreams about what you want. Little dreams inside your mind, you can hide inside. Hide away from other people. Little dreams nobody knows about. All for yourself.
This moment, it was nothing like one of those little dreams. It was more. It was really happening. A bit uncomfortable. A bit out of it. A bit sidetracked. Real.
I could sense his surprise when he saw the first drawing. And the second. And the third. He then stopped looking. He asked for my e-mail address. I got a card from my bag. An old card.. On the back i had already written my new website url. I wrote my e-mail address above it. “Is that you?” he asked. I think i nodded. He talked about sending me some drawings he had made.
And then it was over. I walked up to the bar and ordered another gin and tonic. A double this time. I walked back and saw Tschië sitting at one of the tables on the side. I sat besides her. She had seen what had happened. There was a half bottle of white wine standing on the table, which i grabbed. Just before a bartender wanted to get it. He smiled. And we got a glass of champagne from Rhodri. And then the bar closed.
Mission accomplished. I have actually done it!
Encore
A little encore. Yes. When i got back to the place i was staying, there was a gate, closed. I was told about it. I tried to open the lock, but there was a metal plate before the keyhole. I went over it with my fingers, couldn’t feel anything. I shook the gate. Damn.
I walked back to the Roundhouse, thinking i could call Nana from there. I have no service on my phone in the UK. When i got close to it, i saw some people walking from it. Rhodri was there. I sort of hooked up. Not sure what i was thinking to be honest. We ended up in a cafe closer to Camden Town, where Green was already. He actually tried to talk to me, but i was a bit thrown by not being able to open up the gate. I think i scared him away. Sorry Green. When the bar closed, two girls went along with me. They couldn’t open up the gate either. One of the girls, Virginia, said i could sleep at her place in Highgate. So yes, that is what i did.
The next morning i walked back, it was only an hours walk, not that far. Of course, the gate was open now. I did check the lock. And now, in clear daylight, i saw there was a tiny flip which made the metal sheet move up.
*sigh*
Setlist
The “Sweetest Girl”
A Day Late and a Dollar Short
Die Alone
The Word Girl
The Boom Boom Bap
Jacques Derrida
Oh Patti
Brushed With Oil, Dusted With Powder
Asylums in Jerusalem (first ever live performance)
Skank Bloc Bologna
28/8/78 (first ever live performance…)
Medley [I Wrote This Song For Today, You Don’t Love, Hair Pull, Slyday Morning, Two Years Ago, Mother Succubus, I Wrote This Song For Today (Reprise)]
Petrococadollar
Wood Beez (Pray Like Aretha Franklin)
Absolute
Encore: Slow Deceit
Encore: “Willard Van Orman Quine”
Clips The “Sweetest Girl”
The Word Girl
Oh Patti (Don’t feel sorry for loverboy)
Reviews The Guardian slightly shambolic, wholly endearing From freshly minted synthpop to punky B-sides from the 70s, Green Gartside celebrates his band’s eclectic repertoire in a gleefully ramshackle show
Blackcountryrock It was one of the happiest gigs I’ve attended in a long time.
Walking the tightrope
I still do this every time i walk there. I do need to make a sidestep, because the new outlet there sets a writing board too close to it. But it’s ok.
I’m throwing three coins to ask a comment from the I Ching.
I did use this book many many times when i was younger. As you can see on my diary pages. I have always enjoyed this book, but its use has grown less over the years. The last time i used it was 31 October 2015, only a few months ago. Before that 19 October 2014. Before that 17 February 2009.
I use the three coins to get the numbers. The easiest one. Heads gives a three, tails gives a two.
3 x tails
6
2 x tails, 1 x head
7
1 x tails, 2 x heads
8
3 x heads
9
As you can see in the picture at the top, i threw 7 – 8 – 7 – 7 – 7 – 6. You start building up the sign at the bottom of the image. 6 and 9 are special lines, which make them switch to the opposite. In this case you get two signs, a start and an end sign, with the special lines giving comment on the start and change.
49. Ko / Revolution (Molting)
The Chinese character for this hexagram means in its original sense an animal’s pelt, which is changed in the course of the year by molting. From this word is carried over to apply to the “moltings” in political life, the great revolutions connected with changes of governments.
The two trigrams making up the hexagram are the same two that appear in K’uei, OPPOSITION (38), that is, the two younger daughters, Li and Tui. But while there the elder of the two daughters is above, and what results is essentially only an opposition of tendencies, here the younger daughter is above. The influences are in actual conflict, and the forces combat each other like fire and water (lake), each trying to destroy the other. Hence the idea of revolution.
THE JUDGMENT
REVOLUTION. On your own day
You are believed.
Supreme success,
Furthering through perseverance.
Remorse disappears.
Political revolutions are extremely grave matters. They should be undertaken only under stress of direst necessity, when there is no other way out. Not everyone is called to this task, but only the man who has the confidence of the people, and even he only when the time is ripe. He must then proceed in the right way, so that he gladdens the people and, by enlightening them, prevents excesses. Furthermore, he must be quite free of selfish aims and must really relieve the need of the people. Only then does he have nothing to regret.
Times change, and with them their demands. Thus the seasons change in the course of the year. In the world cycle also there are spring and autumn in the life of peoples and nations, and these call for social transformations.
THE IMAGE
Fire in the lake: the image of REVOLUTION.
Thus the superior man
Sets the calendar in order
And makes the seasons clear.
Fire below and the lake above combat and destroy each other. So too in the course of the year a combat takes place between the forces of light and the forces of darkness, eventuating in the revolution of the seasons, and man is able to adjust himself in advance to the demands of the different times.
Six at the top
The superior man changes like a panther.
The inferior man molts in the face.
Starting brings misfortune.
To remain persevering brings good fortune.
After the large and fundamental problems are settled, certain minor reforms, and elaborations of these, are necessary. These detailed reforms may be likened to the equally distinct but relatively small marks of the panther’s coat. As a consequence, a change also takes place among the inferior people. In conformity with the new order, they likewise “molt.” This molting, it is true, does not go very deep, but that is not to be expected. We must be satisfied with the attainable. If we should go too far and try to achieve too much, it would lead to unrest and misfortune. For the object of a great revolution is the attainment of clarified, secure conditions ensuring a general stabilization on the basis of what is possible at the moment.
13. T’ung Jen / Fellowship with men
The image of the upper trigram Ch’ien is heaven, and that of the lower, Li, is flame. It is the nature of fire to flame up to the heaven. This gives the idea of fellowship. IT is the second line that, by virtue of its central character, unites the five strong lines around it. This hexagram forms a complement to Shih, THE ARMY (7). In the latter, danger is within and obedience without—the character of a warlike army, which, in order to hold together, needs one strong man among the many who are weak. Here, clarity is within and strength without—the character of a peaceful union of men, which, in order to hold together, needs one yielding nature among many firm persons.
THE JUDGMENT
FELLOWSHIP WITH MEN in the open.
Success.
It furthers one to cross the great water.
The perseverance of the superior man furthers.
True fellowship among men must be based upon a concern that is universal. It is not the private interests of the individual that create lasting fellowship among men, but rather the goals of humanity. That is why it is said that fellowship with men in the open succeeds. If unity of this kind prevails, even difficult and dangerous tasks, such as crossing the great water, can be accomplished. But in order to bring about this sort of fellowship, a persevering and enlightened leader is needed—a man with clear, convincing, and inspiring aims and the strength to carry them out. (The inner trigram means clarity; the outer, strength.)
THE IMAGE
Heaven together with fire:
The image of FELLOWSHIP WITH MEN.
Thus the superior man organizes the clans
And makes distinctions between things.
Heaven has the same direction of movement as fire, yet it is different from fire. Just as the luminaries in the sky serve for the systematic division and arrangement of time, so human society and all things that really belong together must be organically arranged. Fellowship should not be a mere mingling of individuals or of things—that would be chaos, not fellowship. If fellowship is to lead to order, there must be organization within diversity.
Well, what does this mean to me.
I do know the situation i’m in right now can not last forever. I don’t have work, i do not have a steady income. I have bits of money yes, but it won’t last.
The thing i set out for myself to do, next week, is to give my thirty year old drawings to Green. That is very important to me. It is extremely personal. I’m almost embarrassed to do it. But i know it is what i want to do.
I simply hope i can do it right. Honest.
I’ve been working again, for myself, for over a year. Starting again on lfs was magical. I don’t know where i got the sudden energy from. I know i was in love at the time, but that was more like a byproduct. Ending lfs, felt strange. I didn’t know then what i was going to do next, but i knew the post About was going to be the last present on lfs.nl. I didn’t realise i was going to start a new blog that soon, on 9 February 2015.
This blog is the joy of my life. I have played around, made walks, sang songs, made video clips, wrote about my past work, about myself, cooked. And more.
I know something has to change soon. I can not think about that yet. It is like my life pivots around next Friday, 5 February. I know i am doing this myself. Nobody else is forcing this on me. It is like i can only think up until that day. After that it will be like another life.
I am doing great now though. I feel wonderful. I know i need to worry about money, but i don’t. Sometimes i think i am crazy, but i am not. I am a bit besides normal life though. And yes, i do know that can not last. But for now it’s fine.
In the end, it comes down to that question i asked myself. Do i want to live a private life, in quietness and solitude; or a public life, in fullness.
That is what i think these I Ching signs are pointing to.
A week ago, in the post London, i wrote that i will be going to the Scritti Politti gig on February 5 next week Friday. I have a ticked, i booked the bus and a place to spend the night, only a block away from the Roundhouse.
I gave these drawings away, twice. First time i gave them to Iris, who was my friend when i made these. She is actually on the first drawing. The girl dancing with the yellow hat. After a time she gave these drawings back to me. Maybe because, if i remember correctly, i was looking at the drawings a lot when i was at her home.
The second time i gave them to Femke. She gave them back too. I don’t remember what she said. But i have the feeling she felt it was too much.
After that i kept these drawings. I actually almost forgot about them. Until the sledgehammer moment. I got them out of the cupboard. I made a photo of the seventh card, which has only text on it, which is the last part of the song A little knowledge by Scritti Politti.
I always felt that i shouldn’t keep these drawings. I was actually thinking of giving them to Green in 2006. I talked about this idea with friends, who advised against it. I do think they were right, then.
Now, I actually would like to give these drawings to Green.
No strings attached. Well, apart from my crazy dreams, but hey!
This could go many ways. First, of course, is that nothing will happen. Which seems most likely to be honest. But i hope not. And there are of course a million other ways this could go. Yes, i have thought about this too! For many many years. And its scary. Yes. But i do feel i gotta do this. To sort of liberate myself? Maybe? And i know i could let it go. Which is what i said two days ago. No i won’t write. No no nononono. I have my pride. I’m not gonna do this.
But every dream i have comes to this point. And i can’t get around it. I always get stuck. I change things, twist them, but it always happens. And i don’t know why.
I’ll miss my drawings. But i do think they will go to a good home.
Hopefully.
I will take the drawings with me. I will try to talk to Green. I will try to give these drawings to him. I don’t know if he will accept them.
I could fail hopelessly.
I hope i will keep myself together. Sometimes i think that it is just a small thing. These are simply small drawings i made almost thirty years ago. But to me they are not small. They have been a part of my life for all those years. And their meaning has grown for me.
I did write to Rhodri, who is in the band, in November 2014. I did send links to the pictures with that e-mail. He would ask Green about it, but warned me that he was not very good in replying to e-mails. He never did.
This is difficult for me. I hope i can make this work, somehow. I know i have grown over the past year. That will help me.
I am scared, yes. I don’t see how i could not be. One part of me wishes this was over and done with. Another part wishes to run away and lead my own life. Another part wants to stay here at home forever. But even though this is scary, i know i will go to London and i will try to give these drawings to him. I can only hope he will accept them.
Holidays in the traditional sense are not my thing. I did go with my family. First in the Netherlands, in a little house in a forest. With swimming pools close by. Then, from when i was six years old, we went abroad. Spain. In 1970. Alicante. Torremolinos. After a few years we went to Tenerife. Playa de las Americas. Those holidays are very much a part of my life with my family.
My last holiday was in 1993. I went to Crete with a friend for three weeks. Walking with a backpack, wild camping, a few nights in a room. It was a good holiday. On the whole. But yeah, my last.
I did go to London several times the past twenty years. At first to meet some people from a Scritti Politti get together. I did go in 1999 for sure. I made three presents then: Clouds, Refrigerator Poem and Sky. I think i went the year before as well, but i couldn’t find anything about that.
My big thing happened in 2000. Around April i got an email with the question if i wanted to work in London. I went over for a day and well, i didn’t need that much time to think about it, i said yes. I rented my house to my stepbrother and the beginning of August, off i went.
Its been a while. I could write something long here, about how difficult it is, especially work, on which i don’t seem to get a grip. But i won’t. I just hope i’ll get the energy to start working on presents soon again, and maybe that will help me through work as well.
Untill that time, it’ll be quiet here.
Its funny here at work though, all these people on their mobile phones walking through the wide midpath (one day i’ll post a picture of the office, in secret… ). I hardly use mine, its just convenient to have one here in London. Not sure what i’ll do when i go back, it has its uses. Its just that i forget i have it with me, and that would be horrendous in a cinema. Email is another thing here, i’m getting used to it, but it still feels funny emailing someone who sits just 10 metres away from me. Oh well, its welcome to the big modern world, miss ellen.
Anyway, i justed wanted to write something. Just say hi basically. Next time i’ll do that in a more visual way, promiss!
love
Ellen
I felt a complete failure. I didn’t realise that the company i worked at was about to go bankrupt. I didn’t realise i was actually lucky. I got paid for all the days i worked. Other people, who heared after Christmas that they were all without a job, were not so lucky. I used my website to ask for another job in London, and wow, i got one. A job to make a website for a television program, Shipwrecked. It was in Holland Park, i had to work all through the Christmas period – oh well ok, i had two days, in which i played Tekken and read Harry Potter the first three books.
After that i gave up. I went back to Rotterdam. I was tired. I got some freelance work from London. I went back to London for a couple of weeks at the end of 2001. I stayed with Danielle, with whom i became fast friends. I got freelance work from my old employer in Rotterdam, and a year later i got back to work there. Really, i felt a failure.
In 2005 i went back to London. I stayed with Danielle once again, at her house in Maygrove Road between West Hampstead and Kilburn.
A year after that in the Scritti Politti Yahoo-group there was message Green was performing in a pub in a band called Double D and the Traitorous Three. For the ones not knowing, Scritti Politti hasn’t performed life since 1980. So this was sort of huge event. For me anyway.
I posted a message on the board and asked if there were Dutch people who were interested in going to London if there was a new gig. Two people replied, Marco and Ernst. So when that gig was posted, for 5 February 2006, we did go. We pulled an all-nighter, were extremely tired when we got home, but hey, we had seen Scritti Politti play!
On 30 March that same year Scritti played life in Paradiso, Amsterdam. And in July that same year they performed in the Scala in London, where i went to myself.
In 2009 my sister asked me to go to London with her and her two kids. I happily went along, and even though the experience was a bit mixed – i am not used to teens doing their own thing for sure – it was good to be back in London once more.
That is 7 years ago.
And now, in three weeks time, i am going to London once again.
Yes, Scritti Politti is performing in the Roundhouse in Camden on 5 February, London. And i have bought the ticket, booked the bus, since it is the cheapest way to go, and booked a sofa through airbnb, only a block away from the Roundhouse. I will leave on Thursday 4 February and come back Sunday, or rather Monday morning 8 February. Giving myself the time to look around in London once again. On my own.
I still have the dream to go away from Rotterdam one time. I lived here for thirty years. I do love this place, but well, honestly, i could happily live in another place. London is really expensive though. So i don’t know how i would manage that. But it is number one on my list of favourite places to live.
This past year has been wild. For me. Not that anybody will have noticed. I’m outwardly quiet, friendly. I smile a lot. At home, alone, i work, i read, i sing, i dance, i watch tv. And i blog.
This year i discovered so many new things. Things i love to do. Not that i’m particularly good at them. The singing. I don’t play any instrument, so it’s a cappella for me. And yes, that is difficult. It is hard to keep it all in the same tone, it is hard to remember all the details of a song, the ooohs and aaahs, the lalalala’s and the sighs and sounds. But i do love it.
The video clips. Closer to me, closer to what i’ve been doing the biggest part of my life. I had a first discovery wild energetic go at it. Now it’s a bit more controlled. I do like the mixing of the singing and the video clips. Excellent.
This year is also a year of looking back. The books i read, the works i made, the thoughts i had. I don’t know why i stopped working in 2006. But i do feel better now. I’m not all quiet and serene, not at all. But i have ideas of what i would like to do mostly.
Getting it done is something else. Making it my work, with which i can earn a living, is something else. But that is what i wish for the most.
I have a bit more time. I got a bit of money, still. I’m not there yet.
I don’t understand where i get this trust from. I know it’s made up, by me. At times i do feel worried extremely. But it always passes. On the whole, i’m feeling entirely happy. Wonderful. Great!
I’ll leave you with this. Enjoy your weekend. Smell the fresh air. Make a walk. Drink tea. Eat a cookie. Smile.
This last year felt like a storm running through my life. Daytime was ok usually, making a new present, walking, buying groceries, working if i had some work to do. Making photos, writing texts, reading, listening to music. And the last months making a video. Filming, editing, choosing the music track.
Nighttime was different. I don’t remember a single night in which i didn’t wake up. Many nights in which i couldn’t fall asleep. Many nights filled with daydreams. Basically the same daydream, but with small changes occurring over time. I know that everything i daydream will not come true. The mix of events is limitless though.
I got a list of names, but there are many more people whose name I don’t know. And of course I got dreams. I just move another picture of a face on my boyfriend. I give him another name. Easy. It’s hard to make me not do that. Might even be impossible.
One of the themes of my daydreams is marriage. Yeah. Embarrasing. I actually do watch Say Yes to the Dress on TLC. Not every day, but when there is nothing else on, i zap to it and watch it for a short time. It is fascinating. And horrible at the same time. I don’t recognize myself in the women searching for the right dress at all, but it is still fascinating to watch. I don’t even really want to get married myself — still, a special festive day just for me and my boy friend would be truly nice.
I will be horrified if anything i daydreamed would happen to me in real life. But daydreaming doesn’t care about these culturally refined attitudes. They are about wish fulfillment. Marriage does seem to suit my needs.
The state of daydreaming is a kind of liminal state between waking (with the ability to think rationally and logically) and sleeping.
Another theme in my daydreams is fame. More specifically, the question if i could handle becoming famous myself. Up until now i haven’t been able to answer this question with a definite no or yes. When i look at my own life, i don’t see fame in itself as something i strive for. But when i look at my work, i do see the complete openness of it. From my posts here on ellenpronk.com on my past work, to the nine years of work on lfs.nl. It is all freely available for anyone to go through.
It does all boil down to the question about my futures, public or private. I should have realized that it really is not a easy question to answer. I can be almost childlike in my enthusiasm. But i do feel i need to answer this question seriously. Especially if i am asking this myself.
Of course my own objections are first in my mind. I’m too old. I’m too fat. I’m not beautiful. I’m simply not good enough.
But these are my own insecurities speaking up. Denying myself the time to really think about this question and giving me an easy way out. All circumstances are pointing that way, the way out, the way to a private life. The life i’ve lead my whole life. But i haven’t answered the question, i’ve simply pushed it behind all my personal hang-ups.
It is very tempting to daydream about options which could open up for me. Suppose i were to become famous. Simply assume this were to happen, theoretically. Someone Lisa Eldridge or Pixiwoo could put the right make-up on. I’d love that! What if they could put me in dresses especially made for me. What if i could really sing. Not like i do now, in my iPhone 4, done in an hour or two, but really sing at my best. That would be amazing! I’d love that! I can lose a few kilos over that for sure. Or not. 🙂
I am scared.
I could easily wipe away these questions. I have done so in the past, i can do it again. But i know the life behind me. It is OK. Sure. But i feel i will regret it if i stick with it. For comfort. Because of course, i’m not good enough.
So the question is not if i could handle fame. The question is if i wish that for me. An exciting life. A life full of people, friends and enemies. A life with days crammed with work to do. In which i will be tired at the end of the day.
I woke up last night around four. I felt this hurt inside. The feeling i have failed in what i had set out to do.
What was that? To get out in the world. To become known. To meet people, talk to people. Like i do now, in Rotterdam, on a smaller scale. The woman i met on my walk to the Rottemeren. The woman i met when i ate a chip with mayo sitting on the side of the market. The woman i met today in the pharmacy. The man i met on the beach while i was walking from Scheveningen to Hoek van Holland. The man i talked while he was brushing sand into the joint on the Binnenrotte. Simple everyday meetings, everyday talks.
I enjoy that. Lots. I try to smile to people i walk by. Not all the time, no. But usually i do. Some people smile back, some say goodday. Some look angry, or surprised, or scared. I am careful.
I feel it does matter. It is important.
I do not know this world. I do follow the news, but i do not trust it. It has a tendency to focus on the bad stuff. It shows half the world. Or even less. Even here in Rotterdam the place is not like it is portrayed. In promotion video’s you see the best places, from the best sides, in the best weather. It is not like that.
But i digress.
What did i set out to do? To become known, to get to know the world and the people living in it a little bit better. As i said two days ago, to save the world. Which is a big thing to say! I don’t mean as in the world is set out to fail and i’m the one person to set it right. But it is also not that whatever you do doesn’t matter. It does matter.
I was born in the 60s. The 50s seemed like a lifetime before. Seemed like it was an all together different time. Now i think of my niece, who is born in the 90s. The 80s must mean the same thing for her.
But the world is still the same. Moving through time in the same pace. We, the people, are simply staying here for a short time, trying to be happy, trying to live. Through the last century, the one before that. Before that. Before that.
For me, and i think for most people, the past is like a million years ago. A time you can not get to anymore. Vanished. Disappeared. The future is not here either. It is a definite unknown. Even though you know you read this in a time after 4 November 2015, the future is still not there. You travel with everybody else in this ever present now.
It is also easy to forget. It is easy to have a pension, to have an insurance, to say you will work until you are 65, 66, 67. It is easy to set boundaries around your life. This is the time you work. This is your free time. This is your time for sleep. This is your time to eat. This is your time for sex. Everything in its own box. To live your life as you think you should, as you think everybody else does.
This world is more and more set. Defined. Compartmentalized. The first world. The third world. The rich world. The poor world. The rising world. Countries are all defined and constricted. This is mine and that is yours. Language is a maze of different meanings. What do you say? What do you mean? What is this all about?
I don’t know what life i will be living. I don’t know how long this life in western Europe will stay like this. This rich. This scared. But also loving and caring. I don’t know for how long our money will be worth what it is now. For how long you can buy the food you eat in the supermarket. We assume it will stay like this. But i’m pretty sure it won’t. Things are changing every day.
I do long for a public life. But it might be different from what i imagine.
No, of course it will be different.
What i dream, what i imagine, is settled in myself and in my past. What is new, what is the future of me, is still unknown. And i want to get to know it. I want to get to live it. I truly do.
I could sense his surprise when he saw the first drawing. And the second. And the third. He then stopped looking. He asked for my e-mail address. I got a card from my bag. An old card.. On the back i had already written my new website url. I wrote my e-mail address above it. “Is that you?” he asked. I think i nodded. He talked about sending me some drawings he had made.
