Alone

I am alone.

It is different now. Different from a few years back. I felt unhappy a few years back. But these days, this past year and a half, i felt happy. Truly happy.

But yes, i am still alone.

Lives of my old friends has moved on. They moved away. They got children. All very understandable.

Looking back at my old life, i see now i always felt a need to adjust myself. To change how i respond. There was always tension. There still is. I still feel it. It is very hard for me to relax and be myself, completely, with other people. To be honest, i will rather be by myself. It is easier for me.

Working in the garden has added some difficulty these past months. All different sorts of people, with whom it is hard to find the right note. Who say things i don’t understand. I need to deal with that, by myself.

They do not know me. I tell myself that that is fine with me. But some of the things they say are hurtful.

And, as it turns out, some of the things i say are hurtful too. I learned this this week. Strange.

Right now, i feel happiest when i’m alone watching at the world. Reading articles, thinking my thoughts all by myself. Trying to find a place from where i can speak, think.

It is still a bit muddled. A bit unclear.

I hope i am growing up steady.

It is hard for me to talk about with a clear mind.

I am trying.

So please, do what ever you want. You may read the articles i posted at the end of this one. Or not. You can read the quote. Or not. You can watch what Simon Vinkenoog is saying, in Dutch. Or not.

Whatever you want.

There is a gentrification that is happening to cities, and there is a gentrification that is happening to the emotions too, with a similarly homogenising, whitening, deadening effect. Amidst the glossiness of late capitalism, we are fed the notion that all difficult feelings — depression, anxiety, loneliness, rage — are simply a consequence of unsettled chemistry, a problem to be fixed, rather than a response to structural injustice or, on the other hand, to the native texture of embodiment, of doing time, as David Wojnarowicz memorably put it, in a rented body, with all the attendant grief and frustration that entails.

I don’t believe the cure for loneliness is meeting someone, not necessarily. I think it’s about two things: learning how to befriend yourself and understanding that many of the things that seem to afflict us as individuals are in fact a result of larger forces of stigma and exclusion, which can and should be resisted.

Loneliness is personal, and it is also political. Loneliness is collective; it is a city. As to how to inhabit it, there are no rules and nor is there any need to feel shame, only to remember that the pursuit of individual happiness does not trump or excuse our obligations to each another. We are in this together, this accumulation of scars, this world of objects, this physical and temporary heaven that so often takes on the countenance of hell. What matters is kindness; what matters is solidarity. What matters is staying alert, staying open, because if we know anything from what has gone before us, it is that the time for feeling will not last. (Source: The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone)

Simon Vinkenoog – Je bent nooit alleen

inbetween

Casual Sex: Everyone Is Doing It

Animals think, therefore…

The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone

How technology disrupted the truth

Adventures in the Trump Twittersphere

Only the lonely

Published on July 15, 2016 at 6:00 by

2 Comments

  • Matthew Florez says:

    I’ve been following your work since the late 90s, when I discovered a link on Robot Wisdom.
    I was amazed and delighted to see the “Presents” that you made for the world. Even though my life and art went in a different direction I was tremendously inspired by the creativity and brilliance of your work.
    I remember, during that time when I had no money but also no real responsibilities, that if I ever got to go to Europe, I would like to meet you.
    Now, I still have no money and am tied to this place where I live by obligation.
    You may be alone but others know and think of you.
    You are always part of my artistic education and my early Internet experience.
    I see all kinds of “computer art” these days, but your work still stands out prominently in my mind and heart.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *