Eight years of silence, again

Two years ago i wrote this post, Eight years of silence.

The eight years were only silent for you. To me they were pretty normal. But i did miss making presents. It wasn’t in the forefront of my mind the whole time, but it did pop up.

Pretty normal. Pretty normal? Really?

Last Friday i spoke to somebody at the garden. Friendship came up. I said it. I have no friends. A surprised look. Not even at the garden? No. I do enjoy working at the garden. Lots. I like the people i got to know through the garden. But they are not part of my own personal life. They are part of the garden life.

I said something about that time in 2006 and 2007. When i stopped trying to keep all the friendships i had together. Stopped trying to work hard on them. Gave up. It felt that my then current friends moved away from me. I didn’t call anyone. Nobody called me. I was playing World of Warcraft. As an escape. A way to keep myself occupied. Busy.

So when a friend called me while i was in a raid, one of the first. Nervous. Trying to be as good as possible. I said to her i would call her back the next day. I did. But i didn’t get a hold of her. She was going to tell me she was pregnant.

I actually planned to go to her once i knew. Once the baby was born. I had bought a gift, a lovely little soft stroking baby thing. But i didn’t go. That present was laying in my cupboard for a couple of years. When the daughter of my sister got a baby, i gave it to her.

We did meet in town around 2010. When i was walking back home from work, on a Friday afternoon. I nearly cried. Slowly we got back to talking a bit more. We are sort of fine now. But it is more superficial. We can get by not seeing each other for years. Easy.

I won’t go into all the details here. This post isn’t about that. It is about what i wrote in my earlier post. Pretty normal. Is that how i felt about that time? Really?

I was all alone. I played a game, i met people through the game. Some i liked. But no one like a true friend. It was a way to pass the time. To not think about things. To not think about my life flowing by me and leaving me unattached.

It felt like my life had stopped.

It didn’t stop though. Of course not.

That sledgehammer moment i had in 2014. I can still feel it. I’m still not sure why it happened then. But i’m happy it did happen. I found back a part of me which i have always loved. The creative part. The happy part. The part i had missed so much over the previous eight years.

It does feel a bit like it couldn’t have gone any other way. I am not sure about that now. But yes, maybe it was like that. Maybe this was the only way for me. To let my work go. With pain in my heart. To find it once more. Happier. More steadfast.

That time in between. That was not pretty normal. It was awful. But i did learn a few things then. I learned to be quiet. I learned to be on my own. I learned a bit of control of myself. A bit.

So now, i am still on my own. I still don’t have many friends. If any. But i do trust myself. I still feel things will turn for the better.

I still do.

Published on March 14, 2017 at 6:00 by

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