Author Archives for Ellen

Alone

I am alone.

It is different now. Different from a few years back. I felt unhappy a few years back. But these days, this past year and a half, i felt happy. Truly happy.

But yes, i am still alone.

Lives of my old friends has moved on. They moved away. They got children. All very understandable.

Looking back at my old life, i see now i always felt a need to adjust myself. To change how i respond. There was always tension. There still is. I still feel it. It is very hard for me to relax and be myself, completely, with other people. To be honest, i will rather be by myself. It is easier for me.

Working in the garden has added some difficulty these past months. All different sorts of people, with whom it is hard to find the right note. Who say things i don’t understand. I need to deal with that, by myself.

They do not know me. I tell myself that that is fine with me. But some of the things they say are hurtful.

And, as it turns out, some of the things i say are hurtful too. I learned this this week. Strange.

Right now, i feel happiest when i’m alone watching at the world. Reading articles, thinking my thoughts all by myself. Trying to find a place from where i can speak, think.

It is still a bit muddled. A bit unclear.

I hope i am growing up steady.

It is hard for me to talk about with a clear mind.

I am trying.

So please, do what ever you want. You may read the articles i posted at the end of this one. Or not. You can read the quote. Or not. You can watch what Simon Vinkenoog is saying, in Dutch. Or not.

Whatever you want.

There is a gentrification that is happening to cities, and there is a gentrification that is happening to the emotions too, with a similarly homogenising, whitening, deadening effect. Amidst the glossiness of late capitalism, we are fed the notion that all difficult feelings — depression, anxiety, loneliness, rage — are simply a consequence of unsettled chemistry, a problem to be fixed, rather than a response to structural injustice or, on the other hand, to the native texture of embodiment, of doing time, as David Wojnarowicz memorably put it, in a rented body, with all the attendant grief and frustration that entails.

I don’t believe the cure for loneliness is meeting someone, not necessarily. I think it’s about two things: learning how to befriend yourself and understanding that many of the things that seem to afflict us as individuals are in fact a result of larger forces of stigma and exclusion, which can and should be resisted.

Loneliness is personal, and it is also political. Loneliness is collective; it is a city. As to how to inhabit it, there are no rules and nor is there any need to feel shame, only to remember that the pursuit of individual happiness does not trump or excuse our obligations to each another. We are in this together, this accumulation of scars, this world of objects, this physical and temporary heaven that so often takes on the countenance of hell. What matters is kindness; what matters is solidarity. What matters is staying alert, staying open, because if we know anything from what has gone before us, it is that the time for feeling will not last. (Source: The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone)

Simon Vinkenoog – Je bent nooit alleen

inbetween

Casual Sex: Everyone Is Doing It

Animals think, therefore…

The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone

How technology disrupted the truth

Adventures in the Trump Twittersphere

Only the lonely

Published on July 15, 2016 at 6:00 by

Video clips

Today, Wednesday, i got a new idea for a video. Strange it didn’t come up before. I will make a video in the garden. Already searching for the right music. Not sure how i will do it. People or no people? The garden from a distance, for an overview. The garden up close, the flowers, the insects, butterflies, worms. The plants, the fruits, the vegetables.

I will start this Friday. Looking forward to it.

As a reminder, a repeat of the video’s i made sofar.

Enjoy!

Ads

The stairs

Life

Searching for Mr. Right

Selfie

Rotterdam – The people

Rotterdam – Bridges and buildings

The beach

My house

Rotterdam – Het Kralingse Bos

Rotterdam – Around the house

Published on July 14, 2016 at 6:00 by

Perfection

Perfection is a state of completeness and flawlessness.

The oldest definition of “perfection”, fairly precise and distinguishing the shades of the concept, goes back to Aristotle. In Book Delta of the Metaphysics, he distinguishes three meanings of the term, or rather three shades of one meaning, but in any case three different concepts. That is perfect:

1. which is complete — which contains all the requisite parts;
2. which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better;
3. which has attained its purpose.

An interesting article to read, the Wikipedia page.

My own definition is this one: perfection is the ultimate best. Nothing can be better than perfection.

Can we, human beings, ever become perfect? Can we attain a state in which nothing can be improved, nothing can be made better. Can we attain this state of ultimate bliss? Nothing out there would make us feel any better. We will be complete. Without flaws. Perfect.

I’m not going to find an answer to this question in one evening.

But i did notice something these past days. I was thinking of myself as very happy, these last two years. As almost perfect, almost. I have achieved some things which i thought would be impossible. Like giving away my drawings. I have worked really hard. Found some new areas within myself. My singing. My video clips. Which i love.

But they are not perfect. Almost the opposite really. But i still love them.

Someone recently wrote to me that i had said some things which she didn’t like. First i didn’t accept that. I was doing so well. Even though my life is pretty much solitary, i felt wonderful. Happy. Joyous.

But over a day the thought crept into my mind that she might be right. I could explain it, tell her where the sayings came from. But in the end, she was right. Even though i felt a very strong feeling against what she had written me. A firm feeling of denial. “No, that is NOT true!” She was right.

I make mistakes. Errors. Sometimes my mind is so full of my own thoughts, someone else’s can not find any room to enter. I am not perfect. Not content. Not at peace with the world. Not at peace with all the people living on this planet.

It hurt me, what she wrote. Yesterday i almost felt normal walking the street. Ignoring the other people, simply finding my own pace and walking strait and ignoring everyone else.

Today was a bit better. A bit.

I know i am finally working on making things that interest me. I hope someday other people will be interested too. Soon. 🙂

That is enough for me. Perfection is not for me, not now.

Published on July 13, 2016 at 6:00 by

Early harvest

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Garlic
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Courgette harvest
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Being lazy lying on the bench and staring at the sunscreen and the sky
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Early tomato
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Green pumpkin
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Yello pumpkin
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Courgette
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Plums
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Rose hips
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Courgette
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Courgette
Published on July 11, 2016 at 6:00 by

Etsy

The fifteen things on the list Items I Love from my Etsy account. Most of them are sold. I have never bought anything from Etsy. I do still look though. Browse around. I like handmade jewellery, homemade clothes. I still have in my mind i should make my own clothes someday. Just very simple clothes, maybe with a simple pattern. Or take some lessons. But that is not for now. Later!

Felt is something i like as well. I know i can look up how to make it. But i am still trying to get my plants to grow from seeds, and do this website, and work occasionally. So that is enough for me. Etsy is more a place to scan for things i enjoy.

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Cute as a Button - Black, Red and Grey Earrings
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Published on July 8, 2016 at 6:00 by

A working day

This week i’m suddenly busy. With work. So yes, that is a good thing. I’m working at two assignments now, but i have a third waiting. I should work on that one over the weekend.

I did also make some pickled radishes. I saw a recipe for those over the weekend, and yesterday i did buy them on the market. Quick pickled radish with ginger. I’ll be making some of the sushi rice with avocado. Sounds lovely.

I also went to the doctors assistant this morning. I’m not sure i ever mentioned it here on this blog. I have diabetes. It was diagnosed five years ago. Over the past six months my sugar level has risen. So i had a change in medicine. That is not working though. In a months time i have to go back after another change. If that doesn’t help, i will need to start giving myself insulin. Not something i look forward to to be honest.

I did come across some posts about a low-carbohydrate diet for diabetes-2 patients. So i will give that a go. That might work. And really, i do need to loose a bit of weight. Stop eating the cookies Ellen!

I do have some ideas for posts. But they still need work. So i don’t think they’ll be done tomorrow. Well, the song might be done. That would be great!

That is it for now. I could write a lot more. About the Roger Federer – Marin Cilic match i did watch for a while this afternoon. Great, great match. And Federer won! The first match i saw that caught my attention. I did miss the Djokovic defeat last week.

That is it for now. Have a lovely day!

Published on July 7, 2016 at 6:00 by

Patreon

Last week i made a Patreon page for myself. It does remind me of this kickstarter page i made on lfs.nl a year and a half ago. I got one dollar there. So i don’t have any high expectations. But still, this could be a nice way to add some monthly income. My fonds are a bit low at the moment.

I will add some information on this website about this page. And yes, i will need to make a Paypal account for myself.

I do need to think about where i will add the information about this Patreon page. It could be in the footer. Or on the about page. It’ll work itself out i’m sure.

Glad i got this done.

Published on July 6, 2016 at 6:00 by

Pinterest

I have some minor boards on Pinterest. The past months i added a board about jewelry and about the Dutch royal family. Both were for posts. The most expensive jewelry in the world. Staatsieportretten.

I started out with a Do it yourself-board, a Rotterdam-board and a Cooking-board. All three are still quite bare. Minimal fashion has some more, 29 pins. And the jewelry and Royal Family boards have loads more. Most i actually got from Pinterest itself.

I just made a new board about Raf Simons. I love his work. In yesterday’s post, The most beautiful dresses of all time, i showed three of his dresses. He does give an extraordinarily extravagant minimalistic feel to his clothes.

I do follow a few people. Jeffrey Zeldman. David Lebovitz. Heidi Swanson. Joline Jolink. Angelique van Velzen-Smeenk. L P. lotte v. Carlos Restrepo. Gretha Agate.

Jeffrey Zeldman is a webdesigner whose books i learned from so much, whose blog i read irregularly. Lebovitz and Swanson are cooking bloggers. Joline Jolink is a fashion designer whose clothes i love. The other people i’m not sure about. I must have come across their boards and simply enjoyed them.

Aah, L P has many gardening, permaculture and food boards. Carlos Restrepo has boards with artists and photographers. Gretha Agate has some royalty boards and royalty dresses.

Of these nine people i follow, Jeffrey Zeldman has the most pins: 68.900. Music, directors, cinema, design, places, photographers, artists, fonts, illustration, cats, writers, albums from hell. Too much to get all in once.

As a closing remark to this post, i never really got into Pinterest. I probably never will, but it is a good way to get stuff from the internet together and go through it once in a while. Just as a reminder.

Published on July 5, 2016 at 6:00 by