The man of my dreams, part 2
Some parts of the post i wrote earlier this week i felt were true. At least, they were inside my head. But i do feel the post did not resemble what i wanted to write.
Yesterday, Wednesday, i listened to an interview with Bas Heijne, in Dutch. Some quotes are interspersed in this post.
Can art play a roll in finding that big story? That big story we need to keep afloat our civilization? If you want to pick a position in this world, as it is today, wouldn’t the best position not be the one with ambivalence, with ambiguity? Isn’t that the domain of the arts?
The past two years i felt very erotic. A new experience. Not that i never felt erotic before, but not this severe, this extreme. There have been weeks that i didn’t masturbate, sure. But sometimes this erotic feeling would overflow me. There was nothing i could do about it, but to let it take over me. This was all felt only by me. I never had the thought of finding someone to help me with this. Not really.
These past two years are also the happiest time of my life. I started to work again, on my own website. First on lfs.nl, where i somehow found a good way to end it. Something that was always in the back of my mind, but which i never could imagine happening. I remember that feeling, that thought cropping up. “Is this the end?” That it was an about page did feel fitting. And then starting with this website, ellenpronk.com. With the first day the About page done and a first post: Hello World.
My life has taken a different turn over these two years. Money is an issue. I have given myself this year to try and find a solution for this. Still one week of posts to go. I have started to work in the garden, the Peace Garden. I have met many new people through this work. Good people. I’m looking around myself, making walks. I started to sing. Not terribly good, but i do love it. I started to make videos. Not terribly good, but i do love it. I started to do all these things from my dreams, from way back, hidden away inside myself. And i do love it.
I have only had one boyfriend my entire life. I wasn’t even so much in love with him. But it still hurt when it was over. I remember feeling that i should be more careful with myself. Which i did. The next boy i fell in love with, didn’t fall in love with me. That was hurtful. It took me years to get over it. To look into that experience and see it, clearly. To leave it behind me.
This year, the one thing i am most happy with, is giving away my drawings to Green Gartside. It took all the courage i could muster to do this. Thirty years i had these drawings. Twice i had given these drawings away, to close friends at the time. Both times they had given them back to me. I do hope they are in the right place now. I do still think about them. But i don’t need to see them.
I do remember that feeling of sorrow when i got back home and nobody asked me how it was. Nobody. The people from the garden i only just met this year. And my older friends, i don’t see them anymore. Everybody is busy, everybody has his or her own life. I understand that. But it was still hurting a bit. So when i met an old old friend and talked and talked about many things, when these drawings and giving them away came up, i felt happy for a while.
We need to enchant this disenchanted world once again. We do stay human beings. We do want to fall in love. You can say, love, love is a chemical process in your brain. That is possible, that is the case. But, when you fall in love, you do not think i am in a chemical process. That is not how we work.
My life has been so quiet. All my loves have misfired. All the loves directed at me i didn’t respond to. I feel like i was cocooned in my life, not hearing what was out there. Happy, yes. But also closed.
It does feel to me that i have opened up these past two years. I’m still me. Of course. But when i’m outside my house, i do feel my attention focused on the trees and plants and buildings and people surrounding me. A good feeling. I am watching the people in the city. So many are not paying attention to the outside at all. Hiding away.
For Freud love is a way to deal with reality. The most beautiful way to release the tension between the inner and outer world.
To me, my life and the world i’m living in has profoundly changed. My life has slowed down. I do see myself. I also do see how other people see me. Or don’t see me at all. Most of these people i do not know.
So i am sitting on this little hill here, watching around me, looking back on my past, seeing the patterns that brought me here.
And yes, i do hope to meet someone who i can be together with. The man of my dreams. Someone to love. And be happy with.
But first of all, i am with myself. I do have work ahead of me. Which i love to do.
And money? I still believe that money is one of the last things i need to worry about. Still.
One more week in 2016 is left to work on. Five posts.
Enjoy your weekend.
Quotes translated loosely from a Dutch interview with Bas Heijne, published on the Correspondent.