I did go to the market, bought some vegetables. The AH, some food for my cats and fruit cookies. The Hema, where i bought 5 socks. Antibacterial ones! I did ask in the shop what that meant. Was there a special treatment? Something the socks were bathed in? But i didn’t see anything about that on the label. The woman i asked walked to a cashier. Turned out it sort of meant that these were socks in which you shouldn’t get any sweaty feet. Cotton. Yes. The woman shook her head a bit. I said: “Advertorial speak.” In Dutch of course. Pfff.
Before i went into the Hema i bought a hotdog and ate it while watching the koopgoot. The last bit of the bread i pulverized and threw for some doves sitting before in me. More doves flew in. Some doves even flew to the railing, like five inches away from my hand. Some sparrows flew in too. Nice!
I still feel happy with the clip i published yesterday. I know it is dark and basic. But yes, i like it. I did start to think about my next clip today. Which song? Psycho Killer popped up. Images of me singing, filmed from different corners, cut through each other. Some parts of me quiet, looking angry. Seems like a good start. I’ll start tomorrow. Happy!
I spend today reading. In the afternoon i fell asleep on the couch. I was so tired. I still am. So i’m gonna do nothing more for today, watch some tv and read a bit more. And then hopefully get some sleep.
My time of continuing this sabbatical is running out. Or rather, my money is running out. I have stopped a pension saving plan. I will ask for a pay out. This will give me a little money for the next few months. I know i could get another mortgage for my house, which has a large equity. But i don’t want to go there. Yet.
It took quite some effort to get myself to decide this. It still does. But i do not want to end up depended on the Dutch government. No thank you. I do not want to leave my house. So there. Damn.
I did apply for a loan from my bank, to help me get through this period.
It is hard to maintain a blog these days. It is hard to catch people’s attention.
Once i find a job. I might change the number of updates. Going to one or two updates a week.
I’m not giving up making my work. With video, i’m just starting out. And the singing is wonderful, for me anyway! I’m thrilled i found these two things i love to do. Absolutely out of this world. Fucking unbelievable.
I do have to remind myself of this. I feel so happy. With all the trouble connected with that. With the sadness. With the wanting. That i have found something worth living for. I hardly know anybody else who sees that. One or two people maybe? But it is OK. I believe in it myself, so strong.
There is still a voice inside of me telling me it could be good still. But if the life of quiet and solitude is mine, than that is fine with me. Not my first pick, but it was mine for many many years.
I’m rambling on a bit. Thinking a lot yes. Feeling a lot. Not all good. But still. Once i started writing further on this post, i started to feel better.
The past year i’ve spend mostly by myself. I did have some meetings with old friends. It wasn’t as lonely as it was the years before. The years i didn’t work on my own stuff, on lfs.nl and here on ellenpronk.com. The time before filled with the paid work i used to do, making websites.
Last friday i was on a Beertasting in Het Wilde Weten (The Wild Knowledge). I told somebody that i spend my last year on a sabbatical. I liked that word. Sabbatical. A good word for this past year. In which i started working again on lfs.nl, after eight years of silence. I made my final present, started up ellenpronk.com and set out blogging about my past, my old work, my old diaries. To end up here. Singing songs. Making video’s.
I started daydreaming again last year. About many different things. Saving the world! I did try to talk about it once. But it is hard. I see that more clearly now. I kept thinking about this post i wrote in April: My futures. This post was on my mind over the past few months. It’s also not that easy, to simply say you choose this or that future. Your future is embedded inside you, in the choices you have made, in the paths you have walked in your life. My life is singular. I tried connecting to other people, but mostly my relations with friends vanished over time. So i might be able to make a choice. I’m not bound to anyone, limiting me in what i pick. It does make me sad. But it is also liberating.
I was thinking about writing this post during the day. I was writing other things, forgotten already.
I’m gonna finish this post and will start listening to Rudolf Escher. With a glass of red wine. Cheers!
When i went to visit my mum in the weekend, i walked for two hours. It was a lovely day, half the walk was through a small forest. I made many clips. I had decided that was gonna be my clip for this week.
Last night, around four or five, i was lying in the dark. Thinking, dreaming. About my friends. People i know. Suddenly the thought about my first ideas for video clips came up. Me. Dancing. Ooh.. i had started on the Leusden clip, but those were clips already familiar to me. I realized i should move forward. Not make something i had already made.
So i did start with the dancing. Not that i used any of it. But still. An hour after that i made some clips of me sitting in front of the window. That worked better.
I went to the market. For an hour or so. When i got back home i started to put on some make up. Not that much. A bit of eye shadow. Bright red lipstick. Glossy. I made some more clips.
This evening i imported all the clips in iMovie. I made a new project and added all the clips, full length. I added some music. Not Around the world from Daft Punk. But Brian Eno and David Byrne tracks from My life in the bush of ghosts. I did notice the start and end bits of the clips. When i turn around the camera to stop the filming. The parts where i move the camera real close through my hair. The parts where its blurry. The parts where its too bright. I like it.
I am getting older. I see the lines on my face. The wrinkles around my eyes. I weigh too much. I do see that. I can not deny that.
It is so easy to forget. It is so easy to not see it. Filming myself, makes me painfully aware of it.
I do like to see how my mind works during work. How i try something, which doesn’t work. But i see something else, which shines. And i go for that. And i move along. And i watch and make new clips, and watch some more. And then i go and sit behind the computer and start to edit. And watch. And get more ideas. And tomorrow i will make more clips. I’m sure they will be different. And add the clips. And edit more. Happy times!
Today the wintertime started once more. This morning i woke up around 8. It gave me enough time to get my breakfast, wrap up my present for my mum and even put on a bit of make-up.
I walked from the train station Amersfoort to Leusden. I had told my mum a bigger time frame through which i would be there. So today i walked through the forest. It was nice, the leaves were mostly yellow and orange and red and green. I did see some mushrooms. But the best mushrooms i saw in Leusden! Big red with white spots.
I got home around half past seven. It was completely dark. It was dark when i was in the train. So tonight i did put on my headphones and listed to some music. Yay! I kept on listening to the music when i walked home form the train station here in Rotterdam.
Today i wrote an email to a friend. I also did some shopping. I read a bit. I watched tv. Expedition Robinson.
Tomorrow i have an appointment with the dental hygienist, at eleven. I do need to clean up my house. Vacuum clean. Clean up the hall with some water. Mop. I just looked up the translation for the Dutch word dweilen. Crawl? Seems very unlikely to me. A wet mop sounds better. Anyway, i do hope i will do this tomorrow. And then i will relax a little. Friday is a day off for me. As is Saturday.
Ooh, i do need to call my mum tomorrow. It’s her birthday!
I will also need to get her present done. I already know what it is. I won’t tell though. It is a secret!
A quiet day today. Yes, i’ve been to the market. Inside the Markthal. Filmed a few times. At home added the clips to the video clip i’m working on this week. Tomorrow i want to get out early and go to the Bijenkorf. I do hope its busy. It usually is when this special event starts.
I’m thinking a lot. Dreaming a lot too. I do hope some day soon there will be more things to do. Better enjoy the quiet while it lasts!
I finished reading the Harry Potter books today. Right now i’m reading the critical reviews on amazon.com. Don’t get me wrong, i like the Harry Potter books. I do realise Harry Potter himself is sort of a blank figure, someone to invest your dreams in, someone general enough for the audience to identify with. All the other figures in the books are more refined, more one-sided developed. Harry is like us all, a person with many different characteristics.
Well, i’m giving myself time to think about these books. I did enjoy reading them again. And the story did really pull me through, up until the end. I don’t know which one is the best, which one is the worst. I don’t know yet if i like the films better than the books, or the books better than the films.
I’m gonna enjoy the rest of this day. I’m a bit tired. But also happy. Yes! In a quiet way. I think i’m gonna listen to some music now.
You enjoy your friday. Enjoy the weekend! See you again on monday.