I am so ambivalent on my future course in life.
I look back on the posts i have written on this website. I like most of them. They are close to me. Others are a bit more distant. But still, each post is a part of my life. Whether i am right or wrong.
I don’t know what to do. What to think. What is my story? I feel lost right now.
Teeth clenched and hands in fists. Not giving up!
Ooh do get a grip woman. So childish the way you speak here!
Living means continuously growing up, learning from your experiences, making mistakes, becoming aware of those, doing something else, making other mistakes. And sometimes doing things right. Hopefully more over time.
That is how i see my own life. I don’t want to be dependent of somebody else, i want to make my own way through life. My own way, my own course. Independent.
This is something i have felt over the past years. Could be even since i started working, in 1994. Going slowly, sure. But steady and secure.
I am still not giving up.
I go outside and make a walk five or six times a week. Usually for about an hour, an hour and a half. Today, Sunday 21 March, i made a walk to the Park next to the Euromast. I sat there, besides the maze made from short hedges. Children played in there, running around. The older kids were stepping over the hedges, the younger ones tried usually successfully. Some shouted for help from their parents. Close to the maze are two restaurants, both with a line of people waiting before the entrances to get something to eat or to drink. More people are sitting around the maze, some with dogs, some with children. Or both.
I like to look around while walking. At plants, flowers, houses, traffic, people. I like to pat dogs. If they let me of course. I have learned to ask permission. Some dogs are shy, others aggressive. Today i came across a cat being let out. The cat was looking around, hunting for plastic bags. The cat’s boss said he could call him and let me pat him, but i said the cat was too focused on what he chased.
I try to stay calm. Usually i succeed. Sometimes, once a month or so, when i am at home i feel a bit down, or confused. Going outside does help me.
Today i had a chat with Erik. What i want? To become world famous i said. I still do. Not sure i do believe it myself, stand behind it. And it is not about the being famous. It is just i believe there is something worthwhile in there. If i can stay calm, if i am able to simply talk with the people i meet about anything. Talk about little things, big things. How they are able to live in this world. This deplorable world. Well, something like that.
Strange how people can not believe me. Strange how they fill in their own story in what i say.
Salute!
Today i made a walk through a drizzle of rain. I had the hood of my coat up. Sometimes i took it down to see if the rain had stopped, but it hadn’t. I walked through the Dakpark. There is a small area of vegetable gardens. I went in, had a short talk with the people working. I saw the chickens under the hedge and patted the orange and white cat.
I looked at the houses i walked past. And i thought. I remembered that one time i woke up in the middle of the night, my head filled with what i wanted to say, clear and bright. The next morning i had forgotten it.
I wasn’t upset about this. I thought that if i needed to know this, talk about this, i would remember it one day. And if not, i wouldn’t. So far, the memory didn’t return. It could be i was completely wrong, that it was just a fantasy dream of mine.
I’ll be back tomorrow!
This morning i got out of bed, around nine. I made my bulletproof coffee, with some butter and coconut oil. I checked feedly for the updates on blogs i follow, facebook, youtube. A new Simply Living Alaska today: How To Make Homemade Chicken Stock | Pressure Canning Your Own Broth at Home. A day’s work in Stardew Valley and then on to The Expanse. Halfway the third season at the time of writing – around half past five Monday afternoon. The first season is a bit hazy, i started out with it a couple of months ago, or maybe even years ago. It didn’t stick. But now, with my new months free Amazon Prime account i’m thoroughly enjoying watching it.
In the afternoon i took a shower and washed my hair. I didn’t go outside today.
Tomorrow, or the day after, i will go outside and make a walk and go to the voting office to cast my vote.
It is hard to feel free. Independent. Not following the rules so many people feel are directing their lives. Free to laugh, to talk, to be angry, to fight for what is right. I am my own worst enemy.
I am still standing in one point, pivoting around. Not sure which way to move into. I think fantasies are holding me back, keeping me bolted here. I need to let go.
I hope i can get somewhere. I hope i can defeat myself. Give myself something worthwhile to do.
I feel confused. Not happy with the life i have here. Not sure of what i want. Standing still.
My apologies for this terrible confused post. Tomorrow i will feel better, hopefully.
I don’t buy that much to be honest. My basic clothes, like leggings, t-shirts and tank tops i buy at the Hema. Price is the main factor in this decision. The other brands on this page are a bit more expensive. I try to be aware of what fabrics are used and where the clothes are made.
