Myself in this world

The past eight years have been eventful for me. I sold my house. I lived of the money i got from that. Now i’m nearing the end of my money.

I don’t know why i stay as calm as i do. Sometimes i do get nervous, anxious, scared. Mostly not. I should be so much more worried. Trying to find a job, to make some money to tie myself over. Make my life work.

This is not about me proving myself. This is not about me winning in any way. There is nothing to win, nothing to loose. But it is about me being truthful to myself, with all my heart. Doing the things i love to do, with all my heart.

Source: My future

I have spend my life to work on this website. With very little to show for it to be truthful. I want to be truthful to myself. This is so difficult. What does my heart want? A boyfriend? Is that it? True love? Someone to spend my life with, with all its difficulties and miscommunications? Someone to utterly love, despite all the hassles and confusions that will exist between us?

I don’t know anymore where and when i may find this person. I never knew anyway. I can only live my life as good as i can. Even if i completely fail at it.

Completely fail.

Published on June 7, 2022 at 6:00 by

There need to be people


Er moeten mensen zijn
die zonnen aansteken,
voordat de wereld verregent.

Mensen die zomervliegers oplaten
als het ijzig wintert,
en die confetti strooien
tussen de sneeuwvlokken.

Die mensen moeten er zijn.

Er moeten mensen zijn
die aan de uitgang van het kerkhof
ijsjes verkopen,
en op de puinhopen
mondharmonica spelen.

Er moeten mensen zijn,
die op hun stoelen gaan staan,
om sterren op te hangen
in de mist.
Die lente maken
van gevallen bladeren,
en van gevallen schaduw,
licht.

Er moeten mensen zijn,
die ons verwarmen
en die in een wolkeloze hemel
toch in de wolken zijn
zo hoog
ze springen touwtje
langs de regenboog
als iemand heeft gezegd:
kom maar in mijn armen

Bij dat soort mensen wil ik horen
Die op het tuinfeest in de regen BLIJVEN dansen
ook als de muzikanten al naar huis zijn gegaan

Er moeten mensen zijn
die op het grijze asfalt
in grote witte letters
LIEFDE verven
Mensen die namen kerven
in een boom
vol rijpe vruchten
omdat er zoveel anderen zijn
die voor de vlinders vluchten
en stenen gooien
naar het eerste lenteblauw
omdat ze bang zijn
voor de bloemen
en bang zijn voor:
ik hou van jou

Ja,
er moeten mensen zijn
met tranen
als zilveren kralen
die stralen in het donker
en de morgen groeten
als het daglicht binnenkomt
op kousenvoeten

Weet je,
er moeten mensen zijn,
die bellen blazen
en weten van geen tijd
die zich kinderlijk verbazen
over iets wat barst
van mooiigheid
Ze roepen van de daken
dat er liefde is
en wonder
als al die anderen schreeuwen:
alles heeft geen zin
dan blijven zij roepen:
neen, de wereld gaat niet onder
en zij zien in ieder einde
weer een nieuw begin
Zij zijn een beetje clown,
eerst het hart
en dan het verstand
en ze schrijven met hun paraplu
i love you in het zand
omdat ze zo gigantisch
in het leven opgaan
en vallen
en vallen
en vallen
en OPSTAAN

Bij dát soort mensen wil ik horen
die op het tuinfeest in de regen BLIJVEN dansen
ook als de muzikanten al naar huis zijn gegaan
de muziek gaat DOOR
de muziek gaat DOOR
en DOOR

Toon Hermans

there need to be people

There need to be people
that light suns,
before the world rains out.

People who let up summer kites
when it’s freezing winter,
and throw confetti
between the snowflakes.

Those people need to be there.

There need to be people
who stand at the exit of the cemetery
selling icecream,
and on the dumps
play harmonica.

There need to be people,
who stand on their chairs,
to catch the stars
in the mist.

Who make spring
of fallen leaves,
en of fallen shadow,
light.

There must be people,
who warm us
and who in a cloudless sky
are in the clouds
so high
they jump rope
along the rainbow
when someone has said:
come in my arms

Those are the people that I want to belong with

Who KEEP dancing at the garden party
even after all the musicians have gone home

There need to be people
who on the grey asphalt
in great big letters
paint LOVE

People who carve names
into a tree
full of ripe fruit
because there are so many others
who run from butterflies
and throw stones
at the first spring blue
because they are afraid of:
I love you

Yes,
There need to be people
with tears
as silver beads
who are rays in the dark
and welcoming morning
as the daylight comes
on dragging feet

You know,
there need to be people,
who blow bubbles
and have no concept of time
who can have childish wonder
about something that cracks
of beauty

They scream across the rooftops
that there is love
and wonder
when all those others are screaming:
no, the world is ending
and they see in every ending
a new beginning already

They’re a bit of a clown,
heart first
then mind
and they write with their umbrellas
I love you in the sand
because they are so enormously
absorbed in life

and fall
and fall
and fall

and RISE

These are the kind of people I want to belong with
Who KEEP dancing at the garden party
Even after the musicians have gone home

the music goes ON

the music goes ON

and ON

Published on June 6, 2022 at 6:00 by

Kissing and having sex and more

My first kiss i had on a beach in the moonlight on Tenerife. I was sixteen years old. He visited me once i was back home. I remember him asking my mum why i went to the gymnasium. He thought i didn’t need that. Bye bye!

I have been in love many times. The way a person looks, the way he dresses, the way he looks at me, all those things can spark my interest in a person. Someone may be beautiful. I fell for that a couple of times. I remember a young gorgeous man when i studied in Delft. I looked at him while sitting in a lecture hall. Nothing happened.

I remember sitting in my room with a young man i was in love with. I touched his penis. I remember it being soft and squishy. It rose up a bit when i touched it. Nothing further happened. I remember one night we tried to do it, have proper sex, close to my home. It didn’t work out.

My first proper sex experience was years later, when i was twenty-eight years old. We kissed on a New Years Eve party. I knew him, but not very well. I ended up in bed with him. First it didn’t work out. But i do remember lying awake after a failed sex attempt and waking him up and kissing him. And yes… we did it.

I wasn’t very much in love with him. We broke up after a month or two. It sounds easier than it was. I felt let down by some of my best friends, who didn’t ask me anything about my experience with sex. I broke up with them. That hurt me even more.

After that i fell in love with another man. He didn’t fall in love with me. It lasted for years. Nothing came of it.

The last couple of years i had some fleeting loves, but nothing too serious. Some men i found attractive, but i knew quickly it was no use.

This is part of my life story. I have grown up over the years. Bit by bit. With trial and error. Making the same mistakes over and over, sure.

I hope i have learned enough. Enough to make some good decisions. Do i pick a quiet and silent life or an active and public life. My heart goes to the latter life. In the midst of people, fighting for what we believe in. With all our might.

Published on June 3, 2022 at 6:00 by

Rotterdam Rooftop Walk

On Tuesday i went to the Rooftop Walk on the Coolsingel. I spoke with some people who sat down next to me while i was waiting for my time slot to enter, a quarter past eleven. Walking up into the sky i came across them a couple of more times. We talked about the dryness of the plants. Only some planters had a water sprayer, with more moist soil. The whole exhibit was a mixed bag for me. The roof garden idea is good, but in my opinion it can not replace a garden on the ground with good soil and compost and trees and veggies and flowers and comfrey and other plants. More green in cities is something to strive for, but roof gardens is not enough. The other things shown: solar panels and small wind turbines is all fine with me.

Halfway i started a talk with a lady who was part of the Pickwick club, a British social meeting place for women. She was the one who pointed my attention to the little plants in their little pots standing on the roof. It really was a bit off. Not sure they will be standing there in two months time.

I was up there for an hour at least. A lovely day.

Published on June 1, 2022 at 6:00 by