I just got home from my mom’s place. I stayed there from Thursday till Sunday. I love staying with her. I watched more television than usual at home. We went into the village on Saturday, into the small shopping centre on Friday. It was lovely.

I’m happy to say that i start to feel a bit better. Working is fine so far. I don’t make that much money, but i’m happy with what i have. I will look around for other jobs, but i’m a bit picky.

And then there is me. My old dreams seem a far far away distance. But they are not gone all together. It is partly fantasy. But there is also a grain of truth in there. Small, but still.

It is still impossible to completely let go of these dreams. Of me talking, of me doing things i enjoy doing.

The world feels so wrong. Let’s just hope for the best. Pray, wish, dream, talk. For the best.

A couple of months ago i made a huge error. I gave the address i lived in at the moment to someone of the municipality. I said i lived there for only three weeks. I didn’t pay anything for it. But still, a huge error. I ignored it for a while, but it came back to me.

I felt awful. For months. It is getting a bit better. I can see the circumstances are a big part of why i told the address to the person on the line. But still, shame shame shame. I should never have said it. It would have meant my application for welfare was not valid. In the end it has been denied anyway.

I’m in a vulnerable condition. No home, very little money. For the past four weeks i have worked, but i don’t make enough. I don’t have any debts. that is a good thing.

And then there is this little voice inside of me. Almost inaudible it whispers to me “you gotta go through this” – “there is light at the end of the tunnel”. I almost do not believe this little voice.

Be kind to yourself. A deep warm hug from me to you.

My fourth week of work starts tomorrow. My work of house care isn’t difficult, but i do need to get used to it. I’m happy i need to go to the place i need to clean. It makes my work varied. Sometimes i like the person who i am cleaning for, sometimes i’m indifferent. I don’t dislike anyone.

I’m still in an in between phase. I’m happy i found work to do, but that only goes up to a certain limit. After another month i will talk to the employment agency to check if there are other jobs more in my old line of work, like webmaster of somewhere related to front-end development.

Keep it up woman!