Author Archives for Ellen

Read aloud: Repelsteeltje

In my previous post i mentioned the book Grimm. I’m still reading it, i’m only at one third of the book. I do remember most fairy tales, but i have forgotten many details. With these tales, originally told and retold and remembered and changed all the time over the years, there are many different versions.

I am also a victim of disneyfication. I have seen Snow White, Cinderella and other movies. Reading the Grimm fairy tales now, i am surprised by the details, the different endings, beginnings, middle parts. Not every fairy tale ends in a happy way.

This blog is in english. But this time, i’m afraid i do read aloud in Dutch. I try to read as slowly as possible, but it’s not likely that people who do not speak Dutch will be able to follow the story. I will look for fairy tales translated in English, so maybe one day i will read one aloud in English. And then there are like 7000 other languages in the world. Sorry 🙁

The fairy tale i do read aloud this time is Rumpelstiltskin, in Dutch Repelsteeltje.

Sidenote: this fairy tale hangs together with lies and deceptions. The father lies about his daughter’s skills to make himself seem more important. The king is a gold lusting murderous man who threatens the girl with death if she doesn’t spin the gold in one night. The girl can’t actually spin gold. What daughter, or son, can? After a year, she stays inside the castle and lets her servant hunt for the name of the little creature. The only one capable of spinning the gold is this strange little imp. Who in the end tears himself in two. I did read some analyses of this fairy tale online. What is up with Rumpelstiltskin? and Story and Analysis of Rumpelstiltskin. The father and the king are the bad man in this story. The father pimps out his daughter. The king wants to get her to spin the straw, a worthless material, into gold. The imp is a nature spirit, a devil. Knowing his name will give power. But, the imp could be after the girl’s virtue. As does the father and the king of course. The fairy tale is a morality story. To be honest, even though Rumpelstiltskin seems like a nasty creature, he’s much better than the other two men. He actually helps the girl.

Repelsteeltje

Published on May 18, 2015 at 6:00 by

A free day

Something i completely forgot. When my mum called me, around eleven this morning, she reminded me of it. It’s Ascension day. An official free day in the Netherlands. Not that it matters a lot. The shops are still open. A bit later than usual, that’s all.

I read a fairy tale out loud from my Grimm book: Cinderella. It’s different from the Disney version. I will read some more. I have that book since the 70s. I drew some girls on the first pages. Put in my address. The pages are still good, but the cover is worse for wear. I still remember my favourite fairy tales. I know most with their Dutch titles only. There are the famous ones, like Cinderella. Assepoester in Dutch. Snow White, Hans and Grietje, Doornroosje. I also liked The six swans, Vrouw Holle, De ware bruid. I also loved the illustrations in the book. There are the ones made with tiny dots. And the ones with clear lines. I liked those the best! I’ll read the tales in the book and maybe i’ll write a bit more about it.

Ice cream! When i went out to get some food for my cats, i wanted to have a small ice cream. There was long line of people waiting at the IJssalon. I had planned for a single lemon cone, but while waiting i saw they also had a lime-basil ice cream. Yummy!

Back home i sliced an onion, a few cloves of garlic, one leek, some celery sticks, a cucumber and a half. I boiled some water and added it with chicken stock cubes. They are softly boiling right now. Later on i will blend it with a stick blender, add dill and chives, half a cucumber sliced in small pieces with the seeds out. And then add some crayfish i bought this morning. Yummy!

This evening i plan to watch Pitch Perfect on television. I haven’t seen it yet. I do know number two is out now. I won’t go there though. Curious about Mad Max: Fury Road. But hmm.. not sure i will go there. Not even been to The Avengers: Age of Ultron. I do need to take care of my money a bit.

I also saw Britney Spears and Iggy Azalea’s new single Pretty Girls. Initial thought: OK! Let’s see how that one develops.

Kisses! Enjoy your weekend! Bye bye!

Published on May 15, 2015 at 6:00 by

A walk from Amersfoort to Leusden

A visit to my mum on wednesday. My mum Nelly and her husband Jan, who live in Leusden. It’s an hour by train from Rotterdam. Usually they pick me up at the train station with the car, but this time i was going for a walk. Beforehand i checked the map and saw it was around 5 to 6 kilometers from Amersfoort to Leusden. An hours walk.

I took the train around 10 from Rotterdam. In Amersfoort i started walking. I knew which way i had to go, but i wasn’t looking at all the street names to see if i was going right. I went through the Vlasakkerweg and the Bergstraat past the centre of Amersfoort. At a roundabout i saw the bike roadsign with the name Leusden on it, happy i went through a lovely street with old houses. I walked past the Albert Cuijpstraat. Then i came to a large roundabout with like 6 streets going from it and with lotsa work going on. On one lantern i saw the bike road sign with Leusden on it. The problem was that it was pointed to one of the streets on the roundabout, i just didn’t know which one.

I took a chance and walked into one of the streets. Midway that street it was completely broken up and there were signs no bicycles were going through, so i went to a side street called the Bosweg. I got a feeling i wasn’t walking in the right direction anymore. At a bus station with a map i tried to find where i was. An older man walked past and i asked him how i should walk to Leusden. Yeah, i had to turn around, go through the works going on, which should be possible and follow the signs there leading me to Leusden.

I went through streets named after gemstones. The Emerald street. The Diamond way. The Sapphire street.

I turned on the Dorresteinseweg. That is not a gemstone, it’s a name. The street wasn’t named after a single Dorrestein though, else it would have the first name too. I walked past some nice houses and saw that it was a dead end, but not for bikes and walkers. At the end were some flats the Eemgaarde.

I walked further on the biking path and saw a tunnel under the freeway. I had to pass the freeway to get to Leusden, so i took it.

The road went on. Suddenly i was out of the city of Amersfoort and in the countryside. Behind me the cars speeding. In the fields besides the small road sheep and lambs were lying about, eating a bit, some asleep. At the turn a forest started. I stood there reading the signs, thinking what would be the quickest way to get to my mum. I asked a man who walked behind me and who was planning to go into the forest. He said he was going for a special walk in there. He said that if i wanted to get to Leusden quickly, i should walk past the road, than a bit besides a small freeway and then enter Leusden. I followed his advice. It was a pleasant walk, on sort of a broad path beside the road. I wasn’t sure it was a path to be honest. It was walkable though.

I crossed a small bridge and saw the freeway further on. I followed the mans advice and walked past the way on the bike path. Later on, when i showed my mum how i walked, i saw that it was shorter to cross the freeway and walk over the Burgemeester de Beaufortweg. On the other hand, i would have missed walking the Lisidunalaan and going on the footpath besides the water. The footpath was lined with elderflowers. Ducks were on the path and in the water besides. It felt like a magical path in the midst of Leusden.

I turned on the Burgemeester de Beaufortweg and ended up in the shopping-centre De Biezenkamp. I knew i was close, but i didn’t know exactly where my parents house was. I walked on, started to recognize a bit of the surroundings and there it was!

It did take me around an hour and a half to walk. I didn’t walk the planned route, but i didn’t mind that. I do enjoy the walking. Even though i was red faced and a bit sweaty when i arrived at my mum’s.

You can see the map after the read more link.

I didn’t make any photos this walk. All the more reason to try and describe my walk as best as i can.

Read more…

Published on May 14, 2015 at 6:00 by

How to cook perfect food

The Guardian food & drink pages are a weekly visit. So it was a big surprise to me when i found out i missed a part of the site all along, the How to cook the perfect... The past days i spend dreaming away with the basic and sometimes not so basic recipes which are part of this section.

The following recipes are simply the ones my eye fell on first. It’s nowhere near a complete list.

Felicity Cloake is the writer of these articles. She goes through all the ingredients for the recipe, talks about the different approaches other well known chefs have and takes sides. You get a feel for what is the main taste of the recipe and what would technique would work best to get the final result.

Today i set myself the task of making one of these recipes. The Mackerel pate!

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Published on May 13, 2015 at 6:00 by

A walk in Rotterdam: the Kralingse Bos

It was a warm day this monday. The sun was shining, a light breeze. So i went out for a walk. Not too long, around the Kralingse Bos, again. A slightly different route this time. I took the tram and got out closer to the forest.

It was wonderful. Birds were singing, usually there was a great smell of green and flowers. Sometimes it was a shitty smell, but hey! that’s also part of it. It was adorable.

The leaves all felt so delicate, so fragile. I took some pictures of them. It was simply amazing.

Some pictures after the break. Enjoy!

Read more…

Published on May 12, 2015 at 6:00 by

My father

Saturday i made a new post with the title ‘Love’. I did plan to write that post. And in my mind, towards the end of that post, my family, my father would come into the post.

That post ‘Love’ is still here, waiting to be filled. Today i made a new post, this one. My father. I don’t think i ever wrote about him on lfs.nl. I don’t talk about him a lot. Only with my family, very rarely.

I haven’t seen my father for around 27 years. He does still live. I know my mother will hear it once he has passed away. Some pension thing. He is 85 now.

When i moved out of the house i am born in, where i grew up for the first 21 years of my life, my mother decided to divorce. I did agree with her. I do remember, when i was 14 years old, saying to my sister that i didn’t understand why my mother stayed with him. There was no love. No contact. No joy. So, it wasn’t a big surprise that after i left the house, the last daughter to leave, my mother left too.

In our house, my father wasn’t a big presence. He worked, he slept a while after dinner, always too long. He sat in the kitchen when he woke up, smoked cigarettes. He was hardly there. Me and my mum were in the living room, watching tv, chatting.

I do think it was difficult for my father. He had three daughters, all intelligent, outspoken. Not afraid to speak up to him. He might have tried to make it work, but i don’t remember. I don’t remember any real interest of him. No questions. No hugs. Nothing. Ever.

I did try to keep in touch with him. I remember coming at his birthday. I rang the doorbell. A face with eyes wide open surrounded by foam from douche gel appeared for the little window in the door. I was the only one there. Later on a friend came by, which was a relief to me.

He did call me. Sometimes he talked, other times he didn’t say a word. I knew it was him. I could hear the water bubbling from the aquarium, close to the phone.

He refused to fill in the forms for my study allowance. The parental contribution would be set to maximum, if there was no information given. I talked to the dean at art school. She said the only solution for me was to get two signatures from people and a signature from my father himself, to get me uncoupled from my father.

The dean gave me one signature. I went to my family doctor and asked for his signature. I had to explain to him it wasn’t a judgement on my father, but a judgement on the relationship i had with him. So he gave me a signature too.

I don’t remember talking to my father. I know i went there. I don’t know if he yelled or just said no. I simply wiped that talk from my memory. I know i got into the house of our neighbours. I do remember the wife getting angry and telling me to leave the papers with her. She would take care of it. And she did.

I do clearly remember the last contact i had with my father. He called me up. I don’t know if this was after or before the signature talk. But, he called me up. He asked me if i wanted to let my blood be taken and be checked. Because he didn’t believe i was his daughter. I responded very calmly. Sure. If that was what he wanted, i would let my blood be checked. No problem.

There was no argument. We had a simple talk over the phone, like two mature people.

It wasn’t a simple talk though. And we were not two mature people.

That was the last bit i ever heard of him. I received no more phone calls from him. This must have been 1988. 27 years ago.

My feelings of hurt, of anger have diminished over the years. I hardly think about him anymore. I do sometimes wonder if maybe i would like to see him once more. But no. Our ending was final. I do feel rejected, yes. He is still my father. But all the usual feelings a child has towards his parent have faded away.

I really do pity him. He had a row with my middle sister, a day after she had her first child. She was still lying in the hospital. He didn’t even look at his first grandchild. The other three grandchildren he never saw. He never saw his three children again. All the things which make a life full with pleasure, he pushed away.

I do not write this piece asking for pity myself. Each life has its own pains and sorrows. You simply need to deal with it, go through it as good as you can. I did spend time yesterday and today thinking about this article. I even cried a bit. Some memories do still hurt. Or maybe they hurt more now.

This is an old pain though. Not too present in my life now, more a faint memory.

Tomorrow i’ll write a new post. I don’t know what that will be about.

Make a good day!

Published on May 11, 2015 at 6:00 by

More about sex

Reading about love and sex is something i do enjoy doing. I don’t search for it, but i got a few places i like to go to and read.

I don’t watch porn. I have seen some porn movies, most when i was organizing Sexposition in 1992, a exhibit about sex and art i organized together with a friend. I know i can be turned on by porn, but there is something about most porn movies i do not really enjoy.

In my post about my personal sex life i did say i was more aroused the last 6 months or so. That is still true. I even find that i am aroused by women. Especially large women, with large soft boobies and a large belly and voluptuousness all around. It’s not that i act out these feelings, i’m not sure if doing something with it will be as arousing as fantasizing about it. But i’ve witnessed myself staring at the television when there was an attractive big woman on it, with fantasies running through my mind.

And yesterday, when i saw a ad in my inbox with a girl on it who seemed so skinny. It was horrible – honestly i was repulsed. Which does remind me of my own post yesterday, where i spoke about my own weight. Of course the dancing clip wasn’t me at my best. Not at all! I know i can look better. I know i do weigh a bit too much, but over the past year i have lost about 10 kilos, and they didn’t come back! So i should be really happy with that.

So you might think i’m lesbian. I do find women attractive, but i have only fallen in love with men. So i think not. It’s just my thoughts and fantasies are running around with me over the past months. Women, men, orgies, people watching me. The past eight nine years i wasn’t into sex at all. It simply didn’t exist in my life. Sometimes i did try to masturbate, but it wasn’t that much fun. So this change is a bit perplexing. I’m not sure where these fantasies come from. But i do think fantasies is exactly what they are. In the end, i’m still extremely romantic. Terribly! Desperately!

I do hope i can handle that feeling a bit more. I know now i couldn’t when i was younger. It was probably one of the main reasons boys said no to me.

I’m careful. I’m not after sex alone. I still would like to fall in love. One day.

So, in the meantime, i do read more about love and sex. The Salon love and sex stories i check out once a week or so. I don’t read every story, but this past week my eye did fall on the Reddit post “Vaginas are more like pennies”: Virgins have questions about sex, Reddit has answers. This post lists some of the questions with some of the answers. It’s also quite positive about the thread and the earnestness with which people try to answer the questions.

“how do you kiss properly / not suck at kissing?”

“you don’t have to stick your tongue in your partner’s mouth immediately. Basically, start with just lips, then move to gently licking their lips. If your partner is still receptive, then continue to full tongue. Once tongues are in full play, remember the point it not to lick the other person’s tonsils. … On the technical side, remember to breath through your nose. It’s oddly easy to forget to breath during a good kiss.”

So i went to the Reddit page [Serious] Virgins of Reddit, what questions do you have about sex that you’ve always wanted to ask but were too embarrassed to?.

Oops, i got sidetracked by this post on female masturbation.

Anyway, back to the Reddit page. Reading through it:

Honesty I’m just curious what a woman’s breasts/etc are actually like…
Warm, soft, squishier than a stress ball but kind of also like a bag of jelly or water. The nipple is what really separates the breasts. Some are like pencil erasers, some don’t really stick out until they get aroused. Boobs are fun.

What does a women “taste like”.
Wet salty penny

Not a virgin, just not that experienced. As a woman, I never know what do with girl-on-top. Do I just move up and down? How do I position my legs? How do I move my hips?
You can do all sorts of fun stuff when you’re on top. You can lean forward and move in a manner that rubs your clit on his pubic mound area, you can sit straight up and go up and down, lean back, go slow, go fast, there are tons of ways to do it. Just play around and have fun, you’ll get the hang of it. Good luck: )

I’ve seen a lot of back/forward up/down comments, but personally I like mixing both. Make clear circles. Up and forward, down and back, like the drive shaft on a steam engine. Do it slow and sensual and it’ll melt him. Just make sure you don’t pull too far up/forward because if his penis slips out you’ve lost the rhythm.
I also find the circular motion more comfortable and easier to maintain for longer.
I think that in general, whichever one of you is in charge of movement, you should try and give it that extra dimension. Not just in/out, up/down. Move more and you’ll feel so much more.

Lights on or off
Yes! both! neither! Personally, I like seeing what I’m doing most of the time. Off is nice sometimes too.
TL;DR: Whatever makes you comfortable.

How the hell does it even happen? Do you both just decide to do it, or is at one thing leads to another thing?
Hormones. Hormones happen.

Am I supposed to say thank you after?? Like when you’re done is it just like “Thanks, have a breath mint”, or do you have to cuddle for a while? Are there unspoken rules?
My boyfriend and I high-five afterwards.

Does it actually feel physically good for the guy or is it all in the mind?
This is kind of a false premise. A lot of the sensation is from stuff your brain releases while you’re going at it, so the good feeling is coming from your brain. But yes, there is physical sensation, and it’s pretty much the best.
That said, a lot of the quality of sex is determined by how in sync (and enthusiastic) with your partner you are, and what you’re thinking about while you’re going at it. If you’re 100% focused on pleasing her and having yourself pleased, then it’s amazing, the greatest feeling there is. If you’re distracted, or not particularly attracted to her that day, or whatever, then the quality of your sex will suffer. So a lot of the quality of sex is “all in the mind,” in that sense.

Today was a busy day in my head. Right now i feel tired. It’s almost seven o’clock. I think i’m gonna sit on my couch, watch some tv until another Harry Potter movie starts tonight. Tonight it’s Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Bye bye lovelies! Have a good weekend!

Published on May 8, 2015 at 6:00 by

School diaries

A couple of years ago i cleaned up my diaries collection. The last ten or twenty years i used a refillable one, up until i finally got a smartphone. I threw away all the fills. There was nothing of interest in it. But my old school diaries i couldn’t throw away. Especially the two which i photographed for this post, the ones from 78/79 and 79/80. The pages of these diaries are filled with pictures of pretty girls, stories and most of all, music!

You can actually see the shift in my taste. Up until 78 my taste was very much influenced by my elder sister. She is eight and a half years older than me. So Steely Dan, Little Feat, the Eagles, Crosby, Stills Nash and Young, J.J. Cale, Stevie Wonder and so many others were coming out of her world. Over the years, Steely Dan has come back into focus and is now one of my favourite bands of all time, but the other bands didn’t fare that well.

The first band that got my attention, fired me up, with bells and ringlets and triangles was the Nina Hagen Band. She performed on a Dutch show from Sonja Barend and i was totally in love!

Other new bands from this time were Gruppo Sportivo, Elvis Costello and yes, of course the Police.

Enjoy!

Read more…

Published on May 5, 2015 at 6:00 by