Growing up slowly

I didn’t realise i had already written a post about growing up.

I am still growing up. I do feel progress. I am getting a bit more control over myself. But i still make many mistakes, many ill judgements. Learning every single day. Thinking about the day. Figuring out what to do next. Make my excuses when i need to.

I have this temporary space. A bit of money and a place to live. I am already working on a new movie. It will be a month or two i think before it is finished.

Source: Growing up

It is now more than two years later. I still feel the same way. I hope i am right when i feel myself growing up. I still make many mistakes. I still feel many things that confuse me. Pull me in different directions. I still think thoughts about which i am not sure. I still do things to postpone doing something else, to lead my thoughts away from problems, to distract myself.

I am still quite inexperienced. Inexperienced with men most of all. I have protected myself, not consciously, but still.

I like to call myself bright, intelligent. But most often i am stupid, dumb, self involved, shortsighted, blind.

I can only accept this. Do my best and try to learn as much as possible. Really learn, in depth. Really look at myself. Really think about what i do, what i feel. Don’t run away in fantasies, all to easy to me.

The past months have been a learning experience. Better said, my entire life is a learning experience. Every single bit of it. Some days i do fine. Some days i do worse. Hopefully i do learn a little bit from everything.

The past months of not having a home anymore are a lesson to me. I do really value this. I do see how i am limiting my feeling of home to the one room i am renting. My place. My little home.

I am still not sure which way to go. I hope i will find something to move me soon. It might be my drawing. I hope it is. Not sure though. I hope i can find a first step to take with confidence. Preferably before my money runs out.


Published on August 18, 2020 at 6:00 by

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