Author Archives for Ellen

Rotterdamse Oogst Markt

Last saturday i went to the Rotterdamse Oogst Markt (Rotterdam Harvest Market). I’m a bit equivocal about this market. When the weather is good, like it was this saturday, it does feel nice. There is good food, and the stalls on the whole are diverse. The ones with vegetables and bread i like the best. There are also many ready made food and sweet stalls. I didn’t go to the regular market, but i do like that one better. You have to be more picky with what you buy there, but it is a regular market, where people simply buy food and other things they need.

This saturday i did buy some spring onions, some bread with seaweed and oregano freshly picked that morning in Heijplaat, an area in south Rotterdam. I also got some turkish bread, hummus and olives for later that day when i would drink some wine with my neighbour Angela. We made a walk around the city centre later on, got ourselves some icecream and enjoyed the sunshine and good weather.

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Published on June 8, 2015 at 6:00 by

Love

Love. It is very hard for me to say anything sensible about love. I do think it has been mostly missing from my life. But, there are many different versions of love. Family, friends.

I have love from my family. It’s old. It has its place.

I’m not sure i have love from my friends. I’m also not sure i have love for my friends. It was hard for me to realize that it was so easy to leave my friends behind. I didn’t contact them. They didn’t contact me. For years. Their lives kept on growing. They got children. My life stopped a bit. I made some friends in World of Warcraft, but that is limited in scale, usually. I got to know some people i like. But friends? Not really.

I did get back in touch with my friends the past months. Part of me wants to get back with them, but another part wants to stay alone. I’m not angry. No. The hurt is gone, mostly. It’s more a memory. Some friends do leave more painful memories than others. I do see my own faults, feelings i am not proud of. Those feelings have faded away, bit by bit. I do think i finally am capable of thinking about a relation, feel what i feel, and not act straightaway. Not run towards somebody and ask for forgiveness. Not run and try to make things better. Now! I am finally able to leave something behind. To see it is not right, to accept that. And see if there is a given time in the future to talk about it reasonable. Or not.

A day like yesterday, a happy day. I felt so happy. When i walked outside, i was so focused on everything i saw. The houses, the shops, the people. The sky, the trees, the green, the wind, the sun. I’ve had these days before. These feelings. But not sure it was as vehement as this.

I’m not screaming though. I’m quiet. I don’t see if other people feel the same way as i do. I do try to look most people in the eyes. Most people simply walk past me, not looking. Some do look. Some say hi. Some smile. I still walk on the little curb i made a post about. So few people watch me do that. In all those months, only one person smiled and said something about me. That is it. But that is living in a big city. In western Europe. It’s cold.

When i visited and old friend a few weeks ago, i said that i want to stay my separate self in a relationship. I don’t want to change. I still live my own life, try to do as best as i can. But yes, i still would like to find my boyfriend. I’m not sure how i mean that. I do think there are few people in the world i could really fall in love with. Have sex with. Yay! I’m not thinking there is only one person around for me. But, i would like it to be somebody who is cautious with himself.

When i think back about my past I do see a development. I do see myself learning all the time. Trying, failing, crying, laughing, enjoying, feeling sad, working, trying. And my final years, being alone.

I still feel like i may fail terribly. I’m nowhere near perfect. I am this person, living here in Rotterdam, with very few friends. I desperately would like a little bit of happiness. But it is very hard to find it.

It is hard to let go of the fantasies. I am trying. Today, i felt myself thinking more reasonable, straight forward. It does make me feel sad. But i didn’t cry.

It is very hard for me to be truthful. Here on this blog, in this post. I hope i can be it for you a bit. I mean, i am doing my best.

My mind is too full of feelings and i do think i am rambling on too much.

But still. Still trying.

Published on June 5, 2015 at 6:00 by

A happy day

It is a very happy day this wednesday. I bought a new dress / sweater at Joline Jolink’s shop. Dark blue with a bit of light, cotton knit. The sleeves are three quarters and tight fitted, the body is loose. Very happy it fit me well.

I won’t tell you much more. I simply want to keep today in my memory as this happy day. I will probably fail at that, but that is OK too. There wasn’t anything significant happening today. It was all pretty normal. I just felt really happy.

See you tomorrow!

Published on June 4, 2015 at 6:00 by

Laksa and more

Today i did some work and went to the market. They changed the market. It was set up differently. Luckily the Meiden were still at almost the same place. A boy complained about more rules, more ways to get a fine if you do something wrong. He also said the atmosphere was getting less pleasant. It’s hard for me to say anything useful about this. I am so a bystander. There was also a women with a lovely small dog. I did a search to see if i could find the breed. I do think the Havanese is close, but the dog did go to a dog groomer a couple of times a year to get his hair shortened. The woman let the dog walk to me, while i was sitting at the side of the market eating some fries with a peanutsauce. It was simply adorable!

At the market i got foods to make me a laksa. I had done a search before to see what would go in the paste. I used this one, but there are many many more. I did forget the palm sugar, which i still had in my house. I added it later on when the soup was done. A bit too much i’m afraid.

I also made way too much. I left half the bowl for tomorrow. I did make paste for a couple of days. I did use the lemon grass, three madame jeanettes, ginger, galangal, shallots, garlic, cilantro and tamarind. I also used some dried shrimp. And i also got some fresh turmeric root, which was bright bright orange. I also did add some coconut oil through the paste.

For the soup i added some more coconut oil, the paste and let it bake for a bit. I boiled some water and added that after a few minutes. I then added a chicken stock cube. I opened a can of coconut milk and added half of it. I had also bought fresh uncooked shrimp, i cut those in smaller pieces and added them. Then i cut some cucumber, paksoi, cilantro, basil and spring onions. Before i started on the soup i had cooked some mie which i had put aside. I put the mie in the soup with all the vegetables. After a few minutes i poured it in the bowl. Afterwards i added a bit of chili sauce. It was lovely.

The rest of my day was restful. I even thought for a while i was gonna put in a break page for today, but the soup really woke me up and i thought i would write a bit about that.

Cheers!

Published on June 3, 2015 at 6:00 by

Let it go

A sound clip i recorded on my iPhone this afternoon, Monday June 1. I sing Let it go, from the movie Frozen. Last week i wrote a post about this movie. I’ve been listening to this song Let it go each day and i’ve grown to love it more and more. I also saw some clips of children singing along with it. Wonderful!

I do sing this song a cappella. I don’t play any instruments. It’s hard, especially with the breaks. I do think they are a bit shorter than in the recorded version. I also hear my accent. It’s not too bad though.

I did download the lyrics and i have them in front of me. I’m still in the process of memorizing this song. Some parts i know, other ones are a bit harder. I will say, the lyrics do resonate with me, right now. It does feel very right for me at this moment to sing this song. I did actually choke when i was singing along with Idina Menzel on the original song. This is a song of liberation, of finally going the way you yourself want to go, no matter what other people say. I do feel there is no holding me back anymore.

This is nowhere near a perfect recording! But i do like the closeness of my voice. And I do like the sound of my voice. Yay 🙂

The complete lyrics of ‘Let it go’

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on!

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone!

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!

Published on June 2, 2015 at 6:00 by

Memories

My earliest memory came back to me in a dream. Around my twenties i dreamed i was crawling on a short stairs with maybe 2 steps. It was warm. I felt the warmth in my hands which were resting on the steps. I felt the warm stones beneath my fingers. My mother was sitting in front of me. She pointed to somebody behind me. My father. He was standing there with a camera in front of his face. He clicked. I had the photo. Somehow i lost it. I searched for it quite a few times. I still hope it’s somewhere in a book or a notebook. Somewhere hidden. I do love this memory. I can still feel the warm stones. I was like a year, a year and half old.

When i walked to the kindergarten, i was scared by the door with a message on it and a drawing of a skull. I think it was black and yellow. I remember walking around it.

When i was six i got a cold. I was only a few weeks at school. I remember my mum going out on the balcony. I was standing in the kitchen looking out. My mum told me not to get outside. That evening it got worse. We didn’t have a phone, so someone went to the neighbours and made a call to the doctor from there. I had pneumonia and croup. I was carried outside, going down the stairs. The ambulance was driving fast with the siren on. Red lights seemed to spin around me.

In hospital i did say to the nurse that i didn’t like carrots. She still gave them to me. I threw up. Mushed orange carrots on a pale blue blanket.

I loved my teacher in the fourth and fifth class of the lower school, meester van der Staay. I was 9 – 11 years old. One day i dislocated my ankle in a school break. He carried me upstairs.

In the first class of high school, one day, a friend was hit in front of my house. I walked with her to school. But halfway, when i realised i was going to be too late, i went on my bike and let her walk alone. I shouldn’t have done that. A teacher said so to me in front of the class. Everybody hated me. It seemed.

I think in the final year of high school, one day, the first spring day, me and a couple of friends went outside to the park and walked in the sunshine. When we got back, we were called by the dean. When we said where we had went and why, he couldn’t hold back a smile.

After my exams, i went on a holiday with a good friend and her family. We were going with the train. We went to Italy, in the north part close to the Alps. Aosta was the town close to where we camped. The day we left, i called her on the telephone. She didn’t answer. I got in a panic and walked up to her house. As it turned out, i was calling the wrong number. Stupid me. The whole time we were hardly talking, until one evening we had a huge fight. I left the next day, or the day after. Afterwards she gave me the photos with me on it. I never saw her again.

When i studied at the Technical University one day in spring i went to ‘t Platenmanneke in Delft. I listened to Tracey Thorn’s then new album Plain Sailing. For the most part i had my eyes closed. When i bought the album, the person behind the counter looked at me. Like she or he might have looked at me while i was listening. I was swept away by that record. I still love it.

The first year at art school, in the first weeks, we got an assignment to go outside and, i’m not sure, but i think draw. It was in September, late summer. The sun was shining through hazy thin clouds. The light was warm golden. The trees had lost their freshness and were turning yellowish a bit. And the smell! I smelled it again later on in that same period. I cannot describe the smell in words. It’s too subtle. For me anyway. I felt so happy.

In 94, while i was working temporarily at a printer, i knew they were looking for another DTP person. I didn’t think about myself. At all. But one day i was working there, and they were guiding this person around who was applying. I remember thinking then “He doesn’t fit here at all!”. And then i thought “I might! If i would just say something?”. It dawned on me i could simply get the job if i wanted it. I had to think. I knew it would mean i would leave behind art. It would be my first real job. So i took it. The next five years were hard work. The hardest of my life. It was also a lot of fun. I actually did sing at work. Chatted with my colleagues. Some of whom were friends. It did wear me out. After five years, i couldn’t keep on going anymore. But those five years will always be a special memory.

It does seem to me memories in later periods of my life have grown less. I do think it also has to do with me working on lfs.nl. On that site i mostly make things, i talk about music and memories and such. Also, the things i made are connected with my dreams a lot. So to me it feels like my dreams are already out there, like for instance Dancing Queen.

The past eight months are really special. They still are. I do know i’m closing in on the end period. I’m still not sure what i will be doing with my life. I am in for a change.

*hugs*

Added monday 14:00

My first volunteer job at the Rotterdam Film Festival, i think in 1992. It was a Saturday morning. It was so crowded! In the newspapers there were photos of the cues! I worked at the Lumiere cinema check out. A small round glass building with i think 4 or 5 check outs. I tried not to look at the people in front of me. I was happy there was glass between us and the rows and rows of people in front of us. It was mad! At one point i think i simply felt i needed a bit of break, not sure. But i did turn around and looked at the check out person sitting there. She stood up, took my place and told me to go outside for a bit and get some rest. I cried. I did go outside and stood against the door and took some deep breaths and tried to regain a bit of control of myself. Than i went back inside and started working again.

The farewell party from my job at the printer. I never said it’s name! It’s Tripiti, in the centre of Rotterdam, the area called Cool. I always enjoyed that name. It’s also the name of the main central road of Rotterdam, where the city hall is situated, the Coolsingel. You don’t say it like you are doing in English. It’s pronounced as ‘coal’. But, getting back to the memory, my farewell party. A client helped with making the snacks. We bought a shiny disco ball to hang up high above the printers. My friends came, Pieter and Rens from 75B were there. Jelle van der Hijden was there, Femke and Martine. Jeroen en Han. And i got way too drunk! I actually at one point sat outside and threw up. They put me in a cab and sent me home. But it was glorious!

Published on June 1, 2015 at 6:00 by

Centre

I made a present like this one before in Flash published May 20 2003. I did open the file and read through the code. It is similar, but there are also differences. I’m still struggling with scope in Javascript. I set the startX and startY points before the setCanvas function was executed, so the centre wasn’t properly determined. So i put the code back into the drawPresent function, which is executed after the setCanvas function. It does calculate the centre good now. Adding a detection border wasn’t that hard.

So, we start in the centre and hobble on from there. Watch it 🙂

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Published on May 28, 2015 at 6:00 by

Draw

It was a quiet day today. I did eat an icecream this afternoon. A pear sorbet. It was nice. I watched the people walking by, biking by, driving by. Then i went to the Marqt. I bought bread, butter, tomato pepper soup, a can with large white beans, a can with black beans, a cheese croissant, cheese and pumpkin seed crispbread. I do think that was it. Then i went back home. I lied on the couch for a bit. Listening to music. But now it is quiet. I made some drawings. They are like old drawings. Like ones i used to make 25 – 30 years ago. I do like em. They do look like i made them with pencil. I didn’t. I made them in Photoshop, with a brush on 70% opacity. With a tablet. It felt good.

Enjoy your day.

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Published on May 26, 2015 at 6:00 by