Watching the movie which was made of the people working in the gardens, i did have some difficulty recognizing myself as me. I saw an older woman, chubby. I saw her saying things which were humorous at times. I saw her sighing when she sat down.

The people siting sround me were laughing at times. Me too. Some moments were funny.

But i didn’t recognize me. I have an inner idea of myself as being younger. Prettier. Serious. Artistic. Very different from the person i saw.

Everybody else did recognize me. Because it was me. The way i am in my daily life. The way i talk. The way i move. The way i look. Everybody else sees me from the outside. The one way i don’t see myself in. I see myself from the inside.

So this is partly vanity. Sure. But this is also how everybody else feels in his or her own skin. Very different from how they are seen from the outside. The beautiful people. The bright people. The young people. The ugly people. The stupid people. The old people.

I would like to get myself loose from this thinking. This feeling. Not sure i will be able to. Not sure at all.

It does make me wanna loose weight even more though. Which is good for my diabetes. But also good for me and how i feel about myself.

In the silent period in my life i spend time living and working offline and gaming. I remember leaving my work in 2011 and starting as a freelancer. I remember when the diagnosis for diabetes was made in 2011. I remember not thinking about the diabetes that much. I remember i stopped drinking alcohol every single day. I remember i stopped smoking January 2008. I lost around ten kilo body weight. I remember playing World of Warcraft a lot. Making friends, raiding together. Having fun.

I remember i masturbated a couple of times in those years. But it felt quite obligatory to be honest. I felt a desire for a relief. It never really happened. I wasn’t thinking of anyone. I wasn’t in love. My life felt empty.

I remember that feeling of that sledgehammer hitting me sometime in October 2014. I remember sitting or standing in the train with my mind racing and my thoughts blowing through me. I remember leaving the temporary job i had in the middle of the country. I remember one of the last days there, when i climbed all the way up to the roof of the high building i was working in, discovering the cleaners sitting there and having something to eat, walking up to the roof and looking out over the Netherlands in this hazy landscape.

I remember my first thoughts: i need to get back to work. I remember the feeling of haste, of NOW! NOW! NOW! Desperately. I remember falling in love. Strangely. Falling out of love. The sadness i felt around Christmas time. It will not happen. Of course not. Silly girl. Stupid silly girl.

I didn’t give up. That time i worked on the about page of lfs.nl and i realised that was going to be the last page of it. Thinking about it for a week. Yes.

I remember starting ellenpronk.com. Which i had for a couple of years. Which i used for work, for the email. For which i had vague plans to make a website for. Of course not!

Hell no. For me, for my own work. Of course!

I was mad. Crazy. My head full.

I still am.

I did masturbate a lot in those early days. Sometimes two or three times a day. I felt this need. This desire. I didn’t have sex with a real person. I did meet some nice men. Thoughts did play through my mind. This one? Or that one? Maybe? But there was always something or someone holding me back. I have learned to control myself a bit. A little bit.

I felt i needed to get somewhere. I needed to look at myself in this world. This crazy crazy world. Much crazier than i am myself. Insane. This jumble of people expressing anything coming in their minds. Strange. Weird.

I did find friends. In the garden. I love working in it, talking with the other people visiting and working there. Looking outside. Sometimes waving to the people walking by, looking in. My peace and quiet. Mostly. I love to cook. This Sunday it is time for the Harvest Feast. I will bake tarts and cookies. Thoroughly enjoy it.

I do think i have grown up. A bit. I hope so. I feel stronger. More aware. Not that i have my story completely ready, no. But still, more of an adult.

I still would love to meet somebody nice. Creative. Someone to talk with. Play chess with. Cook for. Cuddle with. Have sex with. Of course. But my life is my own.

I feel quiet. Over the past few weeks thoughts about this post went through my mind. Sometimes thoughts rushed through me. But now, i feel quiet. And ready. For whatever life will bring to me.

Source: Jean Fautrier drawings for the book L’Alleluiah by Georges Batailles.