Vanity

Watching the movie which was made of the people working in the gardens, i did have some difficulty recognizing myself as me. I saw an older woman, chubby. I saw her saying things which were humorous at times. I saw her sighing when she sat down.

The people siting sround me were laughing at times. Me too. Some moments were funny.

But i didn’t recognize me. I have an inner idea of myself as being younger. Prettier. Serious. Artistic. Very different from the person i saw.

Everybody else did recognize me. Because it was me. The way i am in my daily life. The way i talk. The way i move. The way i look. Everybody else sees me from the outside. The one way i don’t see myself in. I see myself from the inside.

So this is partly vanity. Sure. But this is also how everybody else feels in his or her own skin. Very different from how they are seen from the outside. The beautiful people. The bright people. The young people. The ugly people. The stupid people. The old people.

I would like to get myself loose from this thinking. This feeling. Not sure i will be able to. Not sure at all.

It does make me wanna loose weight even more though. Which is good for my diabetes. But also good for me and how i feel about myself.