Why?

Why is this world now as it is?

Why are we humans as we are?

We are born. A baby. In a family. We have luck. Or no luck at all. We grow up. We adjust. We respond. We think. We go to school. More thinking. We work. We like men or women. We like sex. We get children, if we are lucky. And so on.

And so on.

This is the super abridged generic version of a possible life. Nobody will recognize him- or herself in this version. We all have specific memories, specific moments standing out in our minds. Nothing generic about that. Extremely specific. Moments we will never forget.

We get born in a world already running. With people already living their lives, having opinions, having children, having loved ones. We do adjust to that life. We conform ourselves to this world, with its expectations. Little children can shout out on the streets, can laugh and play and climb walls. Adults are adjusted to this world. Most of them anyway.

That makes perfect sense. You live and learn. From a small child until you are an adult. Twenty five plus, so to say.

I lived my life like that. I did make some decisions other people might think are not smart. Like switching from university to art school. But i was happy with that. When i look back on that whole period i am happy i gave myself the chance to experience that feeling of freedom i had in art school. The feeling of making something i want. Not that i completely understood what i made, but it was good. For me. Then.

And then work. The first five years were tough. I worked hard. With people who i felt were more my family than co-workers. We made a music cd as a Christmas present. That was great! Until i was wiped out and simply couldn’t continue anymore.

Life’s pace got faster. Work got more boring. Friends left. Other friends came by. But less so. I was hiding within myself. Giving up.

I’m so happy that time is over. I’m so happy with my life as it is right now. I’m so happy i found the courage to look at me, my work, and make changes. I’m so happy i started ellenpronk.com. So happy i’m still doing this. So happy i’m working in the garden. Making new friends. So happy with the changes in myself.

I’m growing up. Becoming a true adult. It still takes all my conscious effort to be aware of what i feel and what i do. A conscious effort on how to respond to people around me. Respond to what people say to me. Sometimes i don’t agree with what they say. But it is alright. I know myself a bit better.

Money is an issue. But i’m so much happier with my life as it is right. I look back on the life i had a few years ago and it makes me sad. I have found the courage to do the things i had only dreamed of before. Like giving away my drawings a year ago. I’m still so happy i did that. So terribly happy.

So here i am. I do not know the why of my life. I only have the memories of its past. And the dreams of its future.

I hope this is enough. For me.

To keep on going.

To keep on living.

All by myself.

Published on June 16, 2017 at 6:00 by
Categorised in:
Leave your thoughts

Dystopia

A dystopia (from the Greek δυσ- and τόπος, alternatively, cacotopia, kakotopia, or simply anti-utopia) is a community or society that is undesirable or frightening. It is translated as “not-good place”, an antonym of utopia.

Blade Runner

Images of a dystopian future are custom in futuristic scifi blockbusters like The Hunger Games, Blade Runner, the Terminator series, RoboCop, The Matrix, The Island, WALL-E, Snowpiercer, Divergent and The Maze Runner. And so many many more.

The one book on my reading list, Infinite Jest, is a dystopian novel. Dystopian books are a big theme within young adult fiction.

I have grown up with dystopian stories. Science fiction, as a genre focused on a future in whatever shape, has many dystopian stories. The main story of our present earth right now in 2017 evolves around climate change, war, globalization and post-capitalism. There are many forces going against each other. One time one party seems to be gaining ground, the next time another party wins a fight.

Looking at our planet as it is right now, it is hard to see what path we will take. Nature, the woods, the rain forest, the mammals, fishes, insects, birds: they are taking a beating. But they still survive. And life on this planet is on a ever changing path as it is. For millions of years.

The Maze Runner
Insurgent
The Road

It is impossible to predict the future.

Dystopian stories are our dreams of a possible future. Dystopian fictions invariably reflect the concerns and fears of its contemporaneous culture. We can fight. Fight the armies of the rich and powerful. As we do in the stories. We can dream. Dream our live away from our present world. Dream our wishes away in a thought out world in which we are able to stand up. As one amongst many. To get back to living our ordinary lives in our ordinary world the next ordinary moment. It is like we go on a holiday for a couple of weeks to a sunny bright beachy hotel right next to the sea. To get back home and start working again. The ordinary life.

Shanghai
Moscow
Lagos

Dystopian stories are a relief from our ordinary lives, a relief from our ordinary work. A way out of our world, dreary as it seems. Dystopian stories are related to our world. It does reflect concerns and fears of our world, as it is today. Yes. A scary story with a true hero fighting for a good cause against the evil enemy.

The increasing interpenetration of government, university, and private firms has led everyone to adopt the language, sensibilities, and organizational forms that originated in the corporate world. Although this might have helped in creating marketable products, since that is what corporate bureaucracies are designed to do, in terms of fostering original research, the results have been catastrophic.

Source: Of Flying Cars and the Declining Rate of Profit

I love several dystopian stories. A few weeks ago i posted about The Handmaid’s Tale, a television series i really like and admire. In the scifi books i have there are many dystopian elements. It is a good area for people who think and dream about our current society to tell a meaningful story. To make up a new world, to set out its details and idiosyncracies and interconnectedness.

But right now, i am more interested in our present world. In what constitutes power. Where are the details here, in this world we live in.

It is so easy to look away. It is so easy to hide within your own cocoon of work and friends and facebook and home. It is so easy to not think about this world where we are right now and which way we are headed.

Our world, this planet we live on, is a wonderful, glorious, beautiful place. We are messing up things, yes. But it still is beautiful.

We should do our most urgent best to make it better again. And many people are doing exactly that. Working in other countries to save chimps or ants or dolphins or whales or the rain forest or the Antarctica or poor hungry people or whatever needs saving.

I’m not believing in all the dystopian stories there are about. No. But i do believe there is something really wrong in our current world. I can not point it out directly. I am thinking of the rich people. Thinking of the powerful people. Thinking of the people telling us what to think, what to feel. But i don’t know for sure.

I’m thinking of the news this evening telling us the economy is doing well this year. Showing images of people walking in shopping streets and spending money. It will rise with 2,4%. Yay!

Which is ridiculous. Stupid. What are people buying? What are they spending their money on?

My mind is not clear about these things. But i am thinking. And talking with friends. And moving my life away from the way of life we are told we should live.

A new story. Not dystopian. Not utopian. Not a dream world, but a world we work hard in. A world in which we are going to miss many of the things making our lives look pleasurable. That is the way i think we should move in.

I should talk about this with other people. Of course. Talk, fight, argue. Make myself clear. Listen to what other people have to say. There are so many things i don’t know anything about.

Because this is an enormous fight. No mistake. Huge!

Tokyo
Jakarta
Hong Kong
Published on June 15, 2017 at 6:00 by
Categorised in:
3 Comments

Sunshine

A bit tired. I did work in the fruit garden. Planted out some catnip, watered the strawberries, tomatoes, grapes, blackberries and of course the catnip. Went to the supermarket afterwards and bought some milk, butter, cottage cheese and cat food.

When i got home i felt really tired. I just lied down on the couch and didn’t think of much.

A bit better now. Still tired, but a bit more upbeat.

My mind is still racing. Trying to get my head straight. Takes some effort. I admit. Ooh man, i do hope i will give myself some sleep tonight. I really do.

Published on June 14, 2017 at 6:00 by
Categorised in:
Leave your thoughts

About

My About page was the first text i wrote for this website, way back in the first days of February 2015. Two years and five months ago. It feels like ages. And also yesterday.

Since then i have been working regularly. Five updates a week, published at six in the morning. Which of course means i make the post the day before, giving myself a bit of time to let the post settle, reread it and make minor alterations, if i want to. I haven’t missed a post yet. I have given myself five weeks a year to not post anything. A vacation, so to speak. Last year i had two weeks off in summer. And both years i had a week off at Christmas and New Years Eve.

Publishing content on ellenpronk.com is my official work. Yes. I don’t get paid, but to me, that is a minor issue. This is what i want to do with my life. Talk about myself, my old work, my new work, the songs i sing for you, the clips i make, the articles and books i read, my walks, my gardening work. And more!

To me, this website is a coherent whole. All the content comes from me. I know every detail, every little thought, every change i made. Every doubt, every certainty, every post i was unhappy with later on. And every post i was happy with too.

To you, this website is a completely different experience. Most of you do not know me, do not know my history. Most of you do not know i have been to art school, do not know i went working a few years after doing my exams because i didn’t feel at home in the art world. Most of you don’t know i made my first page online 1 July 1997. Most of you don’t know how i made 640 presents on lfs.nl. How i loved flash in those days. So if you really want to see what i made then, you will need to install or update your flash plugin. Exactly what i just did myself. The following list is a selection of my favorite presents.

I did stop working on presents in 2006. I felt empty. For years i wanted to get back into it, i missed it so much. But i couldn’t. Until October 2014. I felt alive once again. I fell in love for a very short time. And i got back making presents on lfs.nl. I felt like i was hit with a sledgehammer. Truly.

This lasted for a couple of months. Until January 2015. Then i made a present called About. And i knew it was going to be the last present. I thought about it for a week. It felt right.

Straight after that i started to work on the design for a blog. I already had the url ellenpronk.com. I had used it for work and for the email. I had planned to make a work website on it, but i was never happy with the design. So i changed my plan and made it a personal website. Two weeks later, 9 February 2015, i published my first post Hello World! With an about page with a short introduction.

That is two years and five months ago, at the time of writing this on 12 June 2017.

Since then i am working hard. I started out with posts about my past work, on paper and online. Walks i made in and around Rotterdam. Clips i made using my iPhone 4. Songs i finally found the courage for to sing. More than fifty today. And a year ago i started to work in the garden. Getting to know new people. Because yes, i still was very lonely. I know i had given up fighting to keep my friends. I was hiding away in World of Warcraft, playing, having fun and raiding my life away. Making game friends. But yes, hiding away.

I tried to get my life back, to get my friends back. It worked, a bit. I had some meetings, some talks. But the lives of my old friends had moved on. They had children. Other jobs. Other things had happened of which i didn’t know anything. So i still felt lonely.

My post yesterday, Friends from the garden, is the first post in the category Friends. I had set up this category when i made the design and set-up of this website. And somehow i wasn’t able to fill this up. I tried, in the beginning. But it didn’t work. And last week, when i made the draft for yesterday’s post, i selected the friends category just like that. It felt right.

So here i am. Working on this website, ellenpronk.com. Which i love. The most important thing in my life. Absolutely. My work.

I hope you will enjoy visiting my thoughts, my mind, my face, my work, my story, my garden work, my friends, my walks. My clips, my songs, my presents, my food, my beauty.

You may feel lost at times. Not understand why i made something. That is ok. I don’t understand everything i made either.

Five updates a week. Published at six in the morning. That is my rule.

Bon Voyage

My clips

My songs – This can be painful, i am still learning!

Published on June 13, 2017 at 6:00 by
Categorised in:
Leave your thoughts

Friends from the garden

A few weeks ago i got the idea of making a new video about the people working in the gardens. I even talked about it with Ronald, who works in the garden irregulalrly. Last week i changed this plan. Making photographs is a bit less invasive. Last weekend i made a few, first with the idea of publishing it straightaway, but after a few minutes i decided that would be too quick.

Right now i’m sitting at the edge of the platform of old train station Hofplein. It is busy here. I hadn’t realised there were more things going on here. People are having a picknick in the general area and walking through the garden and making photographs. The weather is good. Not too warm, a bit of sunshine, a bit of wind.

I made a draft for this post earlier this week. And i selected the category Friends for it. I simply clicked it on. Within a second i knew what i was doing. So yes, that is how i feel. Now, after working for more than a year in the garden. Friends. Not that i know everybody intimately. But still, working together, talking about all different things generates this feeling of friendship. I don’t know how long this will last, but for now it feels good.

So i took the photos. Close up. I did ask everybody if they wanted this. Some said no. Which is fine. Everybody has his or her own reasons. I decided late last night i will write the texts underneath the photos myself. I will let everyone read it and change it if they want that.

The first three photographs are from Daniël, Rutger and Jorinde. They are the driving force behind the gardens. Rutger has the all the seeds, the plan for the gardens ingrained in his mind. Daniël is the building man. The greenhouse, the chicken coop. And the coffee! Jorinde works with them since the start of this year.

Daniël is the coffeeman! He builds the structures needed around the garden. He has studied medicine for four years, but decided not to become a doctor and focusses his energies on gardening in stead.
Rutger has studied International Development Studies at Wageningen University. He also decided to work in urban gardens, around eight years ago. He knows a lot about seeds, agriculture and gardening. He writes articles for Het Potentieel and Stadslandbouwtijdschrift.
Jorinde has traveled a lot. In the autumn she goes to France to help pick the grapes. I love to work with her.
Julien is a musician. He works a lot in the garden and knows a lot about seeding and herbal teas and everything to do with gardening.
Ronald is our anarchist garden worker and tax consultant. He loves stroopwafels and Permablitzing.
Wijnand is a musician. He is a busker and plays music in the street as Wah Ananda. He also sings in the Maja Fietsclub and in Buzz King. He works hard in the garden and gets the water from the Rotte when it is a dry period and we really need it.
Carlijn is an illustrator and does body work. She makes lovely drawings.
Giulia brings along figues and water and is also working on a herbal spiral in the Peace Garden together with Carlijn.
Ben is studying here in Rotterdam. He is from Germany. Great guy 🙂
Diamela is from Columbia and loves gardening.
Diana works in the fruit garden at Station Hofplein. I'm still getting to know her. Very active!
Alex i only saw once or twice in the garden. Still happy i made a photo of him. 🙂
Published on June 12, 2017 at 6:00 by
Categorised in: ,
Leave your thoughts

You’re so vain

You’re so vain, written and performed by Carly Simon.

This song got stuck in my memories a few weeks ago. I’m gonna sing this song! I said so while i was sitting in the car with Daniël on our way back from the beach. I have been rehearsing this song for around two weeks. I still don’t know it by heart, but i’m getting better.

I’ve known this song for a long time, probably around the 70s. I never thought much about it, simply accepted it. I did always like the chorus. You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you. Clever. Very clever.

So here i am singing this one. I hope you enjoy it.

You’re So Vain – Carly Simon
You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically tipped below one eye
Your scarf, it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror as
You watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner
They’d be your partner, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain,
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Well, you had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
When you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain, you’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain, you’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse, naturally, won
Then you flew your learjet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not, you’re with some underworld spy
Or the wife of a close friend,
Wife of a close friend, and

You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain, you’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you?
Don’t you?

Published on June 9, 2017 at 6:00 by
Categorised in:
Leave your thoughts

My old links

I said it last week on the Superbad post, i will go through my old links and see which ones still work. Yay!

I did do a search for any link which had stopped working. Some have moved. Some have scripts which don’t work anymore. I don’t care. I’m happy with any little thread i found. I’m also a bit sad that so many websites have disappeared. 🙁

A newer links page on lfs.nl is still online.

  • Beliefs
  • ASCII World (http://www.io360.com/v2/yo/asciiworld/)
  • Cybordelics
  • Open source
  • The trap collection (http://venus.aros.net/~jseeley/trapcol2.html)
  • Asynchronous vs. synchronous update (http://www.shef.ac.uk/psychology/gurney/notes/l5/subsection3_3_2.html#SECTION0003200000000000000)| Difference Between Synchronous and Asynchronous | Asynchronous vs. synchronous update
  • The first name of ‘Ellen’
  • Personality Test (http://www.users.interport.net/~zang/personality.html)
  • Symbol © (http://www.symbols.com/encyclopedia/20/2015.html)
  • rec.games.roguelike.angband
  • Heart (http://www.engl.virginia.edu/~enec981/dictionary/termpages/heart.html)
  • Archeology of the Frivolous
  • The finger (http://www.thefinger.com/)| Other link, not sure about this one
  • Handy Board Assembly Tips (http://lcs.www.media.mit.edu/groups/el/projects/handy-board/hbassem/assemtip.html)
  • Quilt Blocks Page
  • Cybertower (http://www.artun.ee/cybertower/)
  • r a z o r f i s h | This still works, no idea if this is the right stuff though – still fun
  • Losing an Architect of Change (http://www.princeton.edu/~progrev/96-97/feb97bm.html)
  • net-art.org
  • The Adventures of the Boy with Immovable Hair! (http://members.aol.com/tbwih/01.htm) | And just to leave you scratching your head, our final link is the Adventures of the Boy With Immovable Hair (http://members.aol.com/tbwih/contents.htm), a series of comic strips drawn entirely in ASCII. And you thought those semicolon winky faces on e-mail were irritating. (Source: http://articles.latimes.com/2001/jan/04/news/tt-11160)
  • Shift
  • Else’s Wepdisein (http://www.redaex.de/privhome/elses-wepseidden/)
  • Mr Ping vs Mr Pong! (http://www.acne.se/netbaby/pingpong/index.html)
  • T A G R A P H I C (http://shinzo.com/6+/laBo/tagraph/hot_tab.html)
  • 16 Color cinema
  • Antimath (http://www.robotwisdom.com/ai/antimath.html) | robotwisdom | robotwisdom2
  • Paper Folding Project (http://www.sgi.com/grafica/fold/page001.html)
  • (e)co-operatief capitalisme (http://huizen.dds.nl/~poetpiet/)
  • flip flop flyin’ (http://freespace.virgin.net/craig.robinson1/fhome.html)
  • i.am/bald (http://i.am/bald)
  • Niemandsverdriet
  • Sub-Pixel Font Rendering Technology
Published on June 7, 2017 at 6:00 by
Categorised in: ,
Leave your thoughts

Still a bit too tired

I still don’t sleep too well. I do hope it will get better soon. Lying awake a big part of the night. Last night i had the photos in my mind i made during the day. For a new post. Photos of people working in the garden. I made a draft for that post today. Changed the title to Friends of the Peace garden. And i added it to the friends category. It still could change. But yes, it could be my first post in this category.

I still need to make more photos. Not everybody was there yesterday. There is still tomorrow, Friday and Sunday. So i’m hoping i will catch most. I like the photos i made sofar. Text will be simple. The name. A single paragraph, or a line, why the person is working in the garden. Maybe a profession, anything they value can be added. A link to their website, to their facebook page. Still a week to prepare!

I did sing a bit more today. I have a playlist with most of the songs on this website. Only for some songs i need the lyrics, many i know by heart. I cried with one song. Not sure why. It is not one of my faves. I Would Stay from Krezip. I choked. It is a sensitive song, written by someone young. About living, growing up.

I’m still growing up myself. I’ve learned lots, yes. But each day there is something new to learn.

And then the I Ching.

Old favourites. 56. Lü / The Wanderer. One which i got loads of times before, one of which i thought hmmmm, might that one fit me?. Pretty sure now it does. The top tow lines are changing, and there it is: 31. Hsien / Influence (Wooing). Well-known signs to me. Feels a bit like coming home.

See you tomorrow.

*hugs*

Published on June 6, 2017 at 6:00 by
Categorised in:
Leave your thoughts

The garden

The man playing the saxophone is back!
🙂
Bikes
Camomile
Into the garden
Today i finally planted the nasturtium in their place. Curious if this will work out. Fingers crossed!
The table
The harvest - most of the strawberries we ate the minute it was picked 🙂
Published on June 5, 2017 at 6:00 by
Categorised in:
Leave your thoughts