Still
My life
I have been writing about my life on this website. Most of them are in the category My Story. Some are about my work, some are about my dreams, some are about sex, my possible futures.
One is about my father.
Several are about my memories and more memories.
Two are about the contactsheets i made at art school.
One is about the Scritti Politti gig i went to last year, 5 February 2016.
Another post is about how i feel. Many others are as well. Me trying to be as honest as i can be. My dreams, again, and my fight with them.
Ultimately, an empty life. Which is true.
Ending up with the truth. For now anyway.
I have said it here before, i love this place.
I really do.
Wait
Gardening and the first courgette cake of the year!
The truth
The truth. These words mean so many different things to all different people. Here, i can only write about the one truth i’m familiar with. My truth.
The truth of my life. My life as i have been leading it for the past fifty three years. I have made many mistakes. I have learned from most of them. Some because i was told i had done a wrong thing. Others because i experienced doing something not quite right. I have also done some things right. I have been careful. I am sensitive, easily hurt, taken away by a thought. So yes, i have been careful. I will rather be alone then with people i feel uncomfortable with. I like to be on my own. Listening to music. Reading a book. Sitting at my balcony and stare up to the sky. Watch some television. I enjoy that.
I do like to think about the world. I don’t follow all the news, but i do like to keep up. There are many other things besides the news which tells you something about the state of the world. I am an optimistic person. But i do understand why some people fail to see the good side of the world.
I do think there is something wrong in the world. It is the people getting used to lies, untruths, deception. People becoming used to not trusting others. People saying something and meaning something else. Not even because they want to lie, it is because they don’t feel the difference. They assume this is how the world works. Saying something because it is your job, for instance. Saying something because you want other people to believe you. To get something back. Money. Power. Status.
In this Western Europe, in the Netherlands, this country i live in, i am falling through. I try to catch something to stop my fall, something to hold me up. I have only a few weeks left over. Not that i’m anticipating the worst then. I still have the value of my house, which i bought twenty two years ago. I can monetize that, of course. But it is not the way i want to go.
Yes.
I still want it. I still want to get famous. I still think i can keep up with the pressure put on you in that situation. Yes, i need friends. Most importantly, i need a boy friend. To keep me sane. To cuddle with. To love.
People around me, people who i have talked with, about this subject, tell me i’m crazy. It will never happen. Never. Two people have said that. Of the people who only think that and don’t tell me, i don’t know how many of those there are.
Everybody leads its own life. The life they know, they grew up in. The experiences they had, which shaped their world. I tried to fit in. For years. Desperately. Until i stopped.
So i have given up working. Or at least, given up looking for it. I won’t say no if somebody asks me to do something. But hardly anyone asks. I have said it last week, in the About post, this website, maintaining it, writing the posts for it, that is my work. Honestly. Five days a week. With at the most five weeks of holiday a year. I do need to find a way to make money with it, of course. I don’t want ads. I don’t have enough visitors for that anyway. So becoming famous would be a way.
I enjoy the conversations i have with the people in the garden. They are feisty. Most of the time people don’t agree with me. But it is fun. Enjoyable. And i do learn about things i don’t know enough about. Taxes. Anarchy. Weeds. Compost. Flowers. Worms. And so on. I love that.
But i want to stick to my story. The story of my life. Which isn’t finished yet. I have only been working in the garden for a year and two months. I do feel i need to bring something out in fruition. Something in me.
So this post is a part of that feeling. Me trying to bring something out. Not for someone else, but for me. Because i feel my life will not be complete without it.
The truth of my life. Simple words. As i am sitting here, listening to the sounds of neighbours, the noises of cars and trams on the streets, this truth does escape me often.
No, this is not the right time. Not yet. I don’t feel a thought in myself coming up. But i am still happy, thinking, feeling where i am.
Have a good weekend. Salute!
Magnificent girls
This is what most girls dream of: becoming a hugely popular popstar, admired all over the world, singing their hearts out. With every step they take people watch them, try to talk to them, ask for a photograph, a signature, anything.
I started with looking for photos of the popstars of now, ended up with the popstars of my youth. Most of them young, some a bit older, better called women.
The reality is of course very different. I remember reading an interview with Roisin Murphy, in which she talked about being asked if she wanted to become world famous. No. She said.
I completely understand that answer.
As for me, nobody ever asked me that question. so here i am asking myself that question.
First, i’m a woman, not a girl. Some bits of fame i can not access anymore.
But still?
I confess i dream of it sometimes. It could be some sort of wish fulfillment. To make my life worth something.
But i do see other reasons, other advantages of being famous. If you are strong enough that is. If you have good friends. Who can keep on talking sense into you. Because i think this world would be utterly, totally greedy and hungry and take everything from you. Photographers zooming in on you, people asking for interviews, asking for your presence on television. Terrible.
And i can still see something in there, something worthwhile. Talking with people of all ages, anywhere. Talking about their lives, their children, their loved ones, their work. About their wishes. About what they miss.
I’m not sure i am able to do it. But that is my biggest wish, for that to happen. I can fail. Of course. But there also might be a small chance i can succeed. Maybe.
Well, time for some photos: the magnificent girls!
Note: those eyelashes! Wow!! All of them!
Solstice
Today it is a solstice on our earth. 21 June 2017, 4:24 UT, 6:24 CET. The Sun reached its most northerly position. Today, in our northern hemisphere, this June solstice is the time that the Sun almost stands still. It will start its movement to the southern hemisphere.
| UT date and time of equinoxes and solstices on Earth |
||||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| event | equinox | solstice | equinox | solstice | ||||
| month | March | June | September | December | ||||
| year | ||||||||
| day | time | day | time | day | time | day | time | |
| 2010 | 20 | 17:32 | 21 | 11:28 | 23 | 03:09 | 21 | 23:38 |
| 2011 | 20 | 23:21 | 21 | 17:16 | 23 | 09:04 | 22 | 05:30 |
| 2012 | 20 | 05:14 | 20 | 23:09 | 22 | 14:49 | 21 | 11:12 |
| 2013 | 20 | 11:02 | 21 | 05:04 | 22 | 20:44 | 21 | 17:11 |
| 2014 | 20 | 16:57 | 21 | 10:51 | 23 | 02:29 | 21 | 23:03 |
| 2015 | 20 | 22:45 | 21 | 16:38 | 23 | 08:21 | 22 | 04:48 |
| 2016 | 20 | 04:30 | 20 | 22:34 | 22 | 14:21 | 21 | 10:44 |
| 2017 | 20 | 10:28 | 21 | 04:24 | 22 | 20:02 | 21 | 16:28 |
| 2018 | 20 | 16:15 | 21 | 10:07 | 23 | 01:54 | 21 | 22:23 |
| 2019 | 20 | 21:58 | 21 | 15:54 | 23 | 07:50 | 22 | 04:19 |
| 2020 | 20 | 03:50 | 20 | 21:44 | 22 | 13:31 | 21 | 10:02 |
Copied from the wikipedia page Solstice.
The earth takes a year to turn around the sun. Since the earth is on an axis, we experience the seasons on earth. In June the sun comes at its highest point. It is the start of summer. This date differs from the meteorological date, which in the north encompasses the months June, July and August. Since the heat takes time to spread through the ocean and seas, the warmest months are after the solstice.
For me, this year, this day means a lot to me. I’m happy to say i’ve reached this point while i still live in my house.
I struggling within me on how to continue. I do hope it will turn out good for me. I’m almost sure of it. Almost. I have got to get that to a full 100%! And yes, i’m working on it.
But this day is a day of celebration. Hopefully this evening i will be in the gardening, with friends, something to eat and something to drink.
Celebrate!
Icecream and music
Today wasn’t a big productive day. I had to calm down from the post i wrote yesterday. It is a big upheaval for me. Writing the post, and thinking about it after that. Dreaming away, again.
I did go out in the afternoon. Wearing the big floppy hat i usually wear to the garden. It was warm! Hot! I did promise myself a bit of icecream. I asked for passionfruit and mango, but i got strawberry instead of mango icecream. When i said something about it, the lady helping me asked me if she could put the mango on top of the strawberry. So i got three scoops for the price of two. I got a newspaper and sat outside in the shade and slowly ate the entire icecream. Yum!
At home i listened to music. My MIX tapes section on Spotify to the rescue. I thought about making a playlist and adding it to this post.
Done!
I drank a bit too much water. I have got to be careful, it almost feels like i’m gonna throw up. I don’t want that. Careful.
I just threw the I Ching. 14. Ta Yu / Possession in Great Measure.
THE JUDGMENT
POSSESSION IN GREAT MEASURE.
Supreme success.The two trigrams indicate that strength and clarity unite. Possessions great measure is determined by fate and accords with the time. How is it possible that the weak line has power to hold the strong lines fast and to possess them? It is done by virtue of unselfish modesty. The time is favorable–a time of strength within, clarity and culture without. Power is expressing itself in graceful and controlled way. This brings supreme success and wealth.
THE IMAGE
Fire in heaven above:
the image of POSSESSION IN GREAT MEASURE.
Thus the superior man curbs evil and furthers good,
And thereby obeys the benevolent will of heaven.The sun in heaven above, shedding light over everything one earth, is the image of possession on a grand scale. But a possession of this sort must be administered properly. The sun brings both evil and good into the light of day. Man must combat and curb the evil, and must favor and promote the good. Only in this way does he fulfill the benevolent will of God, who desires only good and not evil.
Nine in the fourth place means:
He makes a difference
Between himself and his neighbor.
No blame.This characterizes the position of a man placed among rich and powerful neighbors. It is a dangerous position. He must look neither to the right nor to the left, and must shun envy and the temptation to vie with others. In this way he remains free of mistakes.
I’m not sure what this sign says is correct for me in this time. I can still be almost fierce in discussions. It is hard to let things go. But sometimes i do. It depends on the person i’m talking with. Some can be almost aggravating. Telling me what to think. Which i don’t like. Other people i really like. That is hard too. More pleasurable though. Really! I have no idea who those rich and powerful neighbors are. But still. Good advice.
The next sign is 26. Ta Ch’u / The Taming Power of the Great. This is a good one. An even better one than Possession in Great Measure.
THE JUDGMENT
THE TAMING POWER OF THE GREAT.
Perseverance furthers.
Not eating at home brings good fortune.
It furthers one to cross the great water.To hold firmly to great creative powers and store them up, as set forth in this hexagram, there is need of a strong, clear-headed man who is honored by the ruler. The trigram Ch’ein points to strong creative power; Kên indicates firmness and truth. Both point to light and clarity and to the daily renewal of character. Only through such daily self-renewal can a man continue at the height of his powers. Force of habit helps to keep order in quiet times; but in periods when there is a great storing up of energy, everything depends on the power of the personality. However, since the worthy are honored, as in the case of the strong personality entrusted with leadership by the ruler, it is an advantage not to eat at home but rather to earn one’s bread by entering upon public office. Such a man is in harmony with heaven; therefore even great and difficult undertakings, such as crossing the great water, succeed.
THE IMAGE
Heaven within the mountain:
The image of THE TAMING POWER OF THE GREAT.
Thus the superior man acquaints himself with many sayings of antiquity
And many deeds of the past,
In order to strengthen his character thereby.Heaven within the mountain points to hidden treasures. In the words and deeds of the past there lies hidden a treasure that men may use to strengthen and elevate their own characters. The way to study the past is not to confine oneself to mere knowledge of history but, through application of this knowledge, to give actuality to the past.
Therefore even great and difficult undertakings, such as crossing the great water, succeed.
Yay!
I’m gonna sit near my balcony. Maybe cool myself a bit before with some cold water. Yeah, it is hot. Just sit and think a bit after that. Enjoy this weather.
Bye bye!
A warm Sunday
A really hot Sunday. I did go to the garden, i did a bit of work, some weeding, picking red berries, but i also spend a lot of times sitting or lying on the couch in the shadow, talking with the other people. About Islam, the Koran, the bible – my add to the conversation – terrorism, countries and their dividing of violence and power. About Mars once more, i still objected to the thought of going there in 20 years or so, about artificial intelligence, to which i listened, i had some remarks in my mind, but didn’t speak them out.
Well.
I spend time this evening, since i’m home again, thinking. Thinking about the talks, about what i said, about what i felt, what i didn’t say. And also feeling that it isn’t the place to talk high and mighty. There is never a place to talk high and mighty, first of all. I hope i’m not the person to talk like that. But i should talk and join these conversations. But it is always hard, because people say things, and behind what they are saying are so many thoughts they don’t say, but which are still there.
And i’m still working on it. Working on what i want to say, what i want to express here. This place, all my own. This place where i feel free. This place where i can say anything i want. This place which i have made my own over the past two years and five months.
Earlier this evening i read an article The empty brain.
Worse still, even if we had the ability to take a snapshot of all of the brain’s 86 billion neurons and then to simulate the state of those neurons in a computer, that vast pattern would mean nothing outside the body of the brain that produced it. This is perhaps the most egregious way in which the information processing metaphor has distorted our thinking about human functioning. Whereas computers do store exact copies of data – copies that can persist unchanged for long periods of time, even if the power has been turned off – the brain maintains our intellect only as long as it remains alive. There is no on-off switch. Either the brain keeps functioning, or we disappear. What’s more, as the neurobiologist Steven Rose pointed out in The Future of the Brain (2005), a snapshot of the brain’s current state might also be meaningless unless we knew the entire life history of that brain’s owner – perhaps even about the social context in which he or she was raised.
We are not computers. We do not store information data in data banks. We do not access data banks.
We are human beings. We think in emotions, feelings.
I think in conversations with people i know, or complete strangers, or people i hardly know. I think in posts on this blog. I think in falling in love. I think in walking. I think in the sun shining, the rain falling.
When i think about my past, i think about the people who were my friends. I think about some moments which are standing out for me. The Saturday i made my drawings. The Tuesday after that when i bought Songs to Remember in the shop Haddock. I remember going through the records in that shop. A bit dark. I wasn’t looking for it, but i simply came across it. And i was excited, i remember that. I remember going on my bike back home, excited. And playing the record. Which i loved. I don’t know why i threw the I Ching when the Sweetest Girl came by. I was sitting on the floor, before a chair. And i didn’t believe it. No way. Of course not. That would be insane. Truly insane. But i never forgot about it. And i still don’t get it completely. I still wonder about it.
And i don’t think i ever talked about this with friends. I mentioned bits and pieces. But i never explained the whole thing. Which was engraved in my mind. I was hiding it away. Embarrassed. Ashamed.
And i tried to live on. I tried to make it work. And i always failed. I didn’t find a group of friends. I didn’t find the love of my life. I didn’t get children. I remember crying over that, ten years ago, something like that. It’s not that it is the one thing i really want. But i wouldn’t have said no either. But no. Nothing.
And i don’t get it. I know i did many things wrong. I made many mistakes. But don’t we all? And i did learn from every mistake i made. I’m trying so hard to get my life back together. And now my money is running out. I get emails from companies saying they cannot get money from my account, because it is empty. And i don’t fucking care. I’m not stopping. I am going forward. Absolutely.
Because what is my life worth if i stop? What if i go back to work? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’d rather die. Truthfully.
It is difficult.
Sorry, i’m sitting here in front of my computer trying to get myself together. Calm myself a bit.
Well, this is enough for a post, for now. Maybe i will add a bit more tomorrow. Not sure. I’m gonna leave it.
The last word isn’t said yet.
Why?
Why is this world now as it is?
Why are we humans as we are?
We are born. A baby. In a family. We have luck. Or no luck at all. We grow up. We adjust. We respond. We think. We go to school. More thinking. We work. We like men or women. We like sex. We get children, if we are lucky. And so on.
And so on.
This is the super abridged generic version of a possible life. Nobody will recognize him- or herself in this version. We all have specific memories, specific moments standing out in our minds. Nothing generic about that. Extremely specific. Moments we will never forget.
We get born in a world already running. With people already living their lives, having opinions, having children, having loved ones. We do adjust to that life. We conform ourselves to this world, with its expectations. Little children can shout out on the streets, can laugh and play and climb walls. Adults are adjusted to this world. Most of them anyway.
That makes perfect sense. You live and learn. From a small child until you are an adult. Twenty five plus, so to say.
I lived my life like that. I did make some decisions other people might think are not smart. Like switching from university to art school. But i was happy with that. When i look back on that whole period i am happy i gave myself the chance to experience that feeling of freedom i had in art school. The feeling of making something i want. Not that i completely understood what i made, but it was good. For me. Then.
And then work. The first five years were tough. I worked hard. With people who i felt were more my family than co-workers. We made a music cd as a Christmas present. That was great! Until i was wiped out and simply couldn’t continue anymore.
Life’s pace got faster. Work got more boring. Friends left. Other friends came by. But less so. I was hiding within myself. Giving up.
I’m so happy that time is over. I’m so happy with my life as it is right now. I’m so happy i found the courage to look at me, my work, and make changes. I’m so happy i started ellenpronk.com. So happy i’m still doing this. So happy i’m working in the garden. Making new friends. So happy with the changes in myself.
I’m growing up. Becoming a true adult. It still takes all my conscious effort to be aware of what i feel and what i do. A conscious effort on how to respond to people around me. Respond to what people say to me. Sometimes i don’t agree with what they say. But it is alright. I know myself a bit better.
Money is an issue. But i’m so much happier with my life as it is right. I look back on the life i had a few years ago and it makes me sad. I have found the courage to do the things i had only dreamed of before. Like giving away my drawings a year ago. I’m still so happy i did that. So terribly happy.
So here i am. I do not know the why of my life. I only have the memories of its past. And the dreams of its future.
I hope this is enough. For me.
To keep on going.
To keep on living.
All by myself.