Not in love

It is Sunday morning. A bit warm. A bit cloudy. But still, the balcony door is open, the cats dozing of. A lovely morning.

I have chickpeas cooking. Beetroot in the oven. I’ll be making hummus with it in a few hours. A bit of tahin left over, but not enough. I’ll be putting some sunflower seeds in there too.

I just looked up a recipe for the sunflower seeds. I do need to roast them for around 5 – 10 minutes. They do need to be cool before you move on.

OK, done that.

I only need to add olive oil and blend them until smooth.


I did just taste a chickpea. It is ok, but could do with a bit more cooking, for around half an hour or so.

Well, i hadn’t planned on writing about the hummus i’m about to make! I did set the category of this post to food too. I might even make a few pictures.

What i had planned was writing about not falling in love. Which is what i have planned for myself for the moment. I’m not sure though.

I came across this quote from Maya Angelou at Brain Pickings:

We need the courage to create ourselves daily, to be bodacious enough to create ourselves daily — as Christians, as Jews, as Muslims, as thinking, caring, laughing, loving human beings. I think that the courage to confront evil and turn it by dint of will into something applicable to the development of our evolution, individually and collectively, is exciting, honorable.

The courage to create yourself daily. That does speak to me. I do realize that posting this on this blog makes it open for others to see. That is my own choice. It forces me to keep on working on it. And i don’t mind. Well, not too much! Sometimes i’m embarrassed. Ouch.

It is difficult. I treasure the time at home. To listen to music. To watch tv. To read. Not as much as i would like, but still! To watch youtube. To read the whole internet! To cuddle my cats. To cook.

I have to reread what i wrote in my last post Work. I do try to keep things simple. But pfff, that takes much.


It’s evening now. I didn’t do a lot of work in the garden. Nicole from the States came by and we talked for a long time about the garden, about why we work there, what we buy in a supermarket and other things. I showed her around. It was raining the whole time, but not cold, so i didn’t really mind that much. Once i was wet anyway.

I watched a bit of television. Grand Designs, De grote verbouwing, i love to watch. I had already seen the episode, but i still watched it.

Then i danced.

That was quite a few weeks, since i last danced. Took some time to get into it. I always dance with other people in my mind. People from the garden popped up. Marijn was there too, Liorah, Jeroen, Carolien. I was inviting them to come to dance with me. It was good.

And then the thought hit me. I should fill up my life. I should be as happy as i can be. Time alone is part of that, of course. But i also love to be with other people. Simply talk with them. Enjoy life.

I do not know everything. I have so many things to learn.

But i do realize that the past year and a half i’ve been happy, all by myself. In a very quiet way. Other people will have hardly noticed it. i’m sure. But yes, the Turkish man selling big potatoes and kebab on the market has noticed it. People eating chips at the side of the library have noticed it.

So yes, fill up my life with the things i want to do. Be as happy as i possibly can.


Ooh, the title of this post. Yes, not fall in love. If i can. 😉

Published on May 30, 2016 at 6:00 by


I have worked for around twenty years. In the beginning it was tough. A lot of overtime. A lot of energy it took from my life. But also many new things in my life, many new events. Many mistakes i made. I did enjoy the work.

That was for the first five years.

The rest, it was a bit more quiet. I did have my good times, sure. I did learn my limitations. Being creative in a work environment is not my thing.

The past year and a half i have not been actively looking for work. I did do a few, small jobs. I took the time to think, to dream, to do the things i love.

This blog is my heartfelt ultimate work of love. If anything, i would love to keep it up and working on it for i don’t know how long. A few years at least. Maybe even longer. The thoughts of new works are still coming in. Like this week, when i was going though an old Vogue and realised i wanted to do something with these images of girls. Taking the photographs with the paper curled and the light shining reflecting of it. All these beautiful faces looking at the observer, wanting its attention.

But my money is running out. I did get a tax return a few months ago, which gave me a bit more time. That time is running out.

I don’t want to ask for a grant. I’m not a part of the Dutch art world, not for more than twenty years.

I don’t have family or friends who can help me.

But i still feel i have something to say. Something important. For myself. For the world maybe?

I don’t think the world has changed that much over the past millennia. I do know that we, humans, think that it has. I do know we think the world now is bright and sensible. We used to think it was dark and mysterious. Nowadays we are not afraid of doors which open automatically when we come close. We don’t look up when somebody passes us seemingly talking to nobody. We are not surprised when people change their gender.

The world is covered with a torrent of people. Billions.

Some people step out of it. Out of the system. They live somewhere off the grid in a nowhere land taking care of themselves and their loved ones.

Other people try to make another way of living. Like some of the people i met through the Peace Garden. Some are making it work. They are not wealthy, but they do live a decent life.

Most of my friends are trying to make a decent living. Working for themselves. Working as an independant freelancer. Doing the things they love and earn a living.

It is hard.


My nights are not filled with sleep, but with lying awake in the dark. Thinking. Fantasizing. Not sensible, no. Crazy. Insane.

Last night was harsh. I do remember the vehemence of the feelings assaulting me. But the content is fading away. Something about our planet being a small part of the entire universe. Being special. Rare. People wanting to move to Mars and terraform it and live there. As if our world is lost forever. Our wonderful world. Our glorious world. I felt like i was standing aside, looking at everything from a distance. I remembered how i used to be. How i used to feel. In a distant past, far away.

I remember thinking about the politicians, the wealthy people, the business people, the banking people. How they try to shape the world for their own wishes. How they try to get everything out of every bone of this earth.

We are the caretakers. We should make this world a lovely place to live for all the animals and plants. Not put pigs by the thousands in big stalls and butcher them once they are old and big enough. Not use fertilizer to keep our soil stuffed with nitrogen so the vegetables will grow on it no matter what. Not use people, young people, children, old people as slaves to work. Not to hack any old forest or rainforest as we please. Not to keep our supermarkets stacked full with superfluous rows of sweets, cookies, cheeses, soft drinks, meats, milk and bread to throw away once the sell by date has passed.



We are so smart. We can operate on humans and change their gender. We can give humans hormones to alter their behaviour and the state of their body. Our medicine is still growing. But our understanding of ourselves, of our brains, is still rather small.

One of the biggest metaphors for our brain over the past seventy years is the computer. But, we do not have hard drives build into our brains. There is no storage facility anywhere inside ourselves from where we can retrieve information. Human beings are not information processors. Human beings have hands, arms, legs, feet, eyes, noses, mouths, genitals inside and outside. We look at the world. We hear the world. We feel the world. We are inside the world, as if we are one and the same.

One prediction is that soon it will be possible to download a human mind to a computer. Predicted by futurist Kurzweil, physicist Stephen Hawking and neuroscientist Randal Koene.

This is untrue. Nonsensical.

Our mind, our brain and our body are part of the same thing: a living breathing human being. Experiencing life in one continuous flow. Sleeping at night, awake during the day. Interacting with the people around it, with the world around it. Touching, walking, sitting, dreaming, listening, being there, being away.

We are very good setting aside parts of ourselves. Putting different pieces of ourselves in different compartments. With different people. In different times. Sex goes well with a good looking friend. Work is a good way to pass the time during the day. With work colleagues. To earn money. Food is a good energy provider. It makes you feel good. Sweets are lovely. Ice cream tastes great. We love to sleep. We love to cuddle with our friends. We love our children. We enjoy to make stuff. We enjoy to buy stuff.

Our days are divided in all nicely seperated parts. For example: we sleep, we wake up, we shower, we brush our teeth, we make breakfast, or not, we eat our breakfast, or not, we go to work, we have lunch, we come home, we kiss our friend, we hug our children, we have dinner, we read a book, we watch tv, we go to sleep.

There is no way we can build a replica of a human brain in a computer. No way. Impossible.


This world we live in is made by human beings. It is not set out by one person at the beginning. It has evolved over time by many many people with different intellects, different wishes, different desires. Most acts were not far reaching. But all acts did make out this world.

I am not sure about the rich people. Some may be good in essence. Some may be bad. I don’t know any of them. I am curious about them.

I am curious about the people in this world. I would like to watch them, talk with them, interact with them.

That is what i want to do as work. I think i will be good at it.

If you let me.


Published on May 27, 2016 at 6:00 by


I am alone.

I don’t mind. I’ve been alone a large part of my life.

Solitude. It can be difficult to keep yourself together in solitude. To trust yourself. Not other people outside of your own world, who keep on saying the same thing over and over again. Be sensible. Be smart.

I do know i am not the one to choose my life. It is chosen for me, by the world outside me, by the people all around. By what they do, by what they do not do.

A life alone or a life in the midst of the world.

I am not the one to pick either. I can only lead my life, the way i see is best.

The rest will follow.

Published on May 26, 2016 at 6:00 by

It’s Going To Take Some Time This Time

It’s Going To Take Some Time This Time, written by Carole King and Toni Stern for Carole King’s 1971 album Music.

Today i decided to do another Carpenters song. I put on the Gold album in spotify and started with Yesterday Once More. One of my favourites! But no, this wasn’t the song i was after. I did enjoy singing along with We’ve Only Just Begon and Only Yesterday. But i was looking for a song with birds on a telephone line and trees that don’t bend.

As it turns out, they do bend.


It’s Going To Take Some Time This Time – The Carpenters
It’s going to take some time this time
To get myself in shape
I really feel out-of line this time
I really missed the gate

The birds on the telephone line (next time)
Are cryin’ out to me (next time)
And I won’t be so blind next time
And I’ll find some harmony

But it’s going to take some time this time
And I can’t make demands
But like the young trees in the wintertime
I’ll learn how to bend

After all the tears we’ve spent
How could we make amends
So it’s one more round for experience

And I’m on the road again
And it’s going to take some time this time

It’s going to take some time this time
No matter what I’ve planned
But like the young trees in the wintertime
I’ll learn how to bend

After all the tears we’ve spent
How could we make amends
So it’s one more round for experience
And I’m on the road again
And it’s going to take some time this time

The Carpenters – It’s going to take some time

Carole King – It’s going to take some time

Published on May 24, 2016 at 6:00 by

Growing growing growing

I worked in the garden again today. It wasn’t cold, but it was wet. A mild rain running through the entire afternoon. Halfway i didn’t care anymore and let myself get wet and sat on the ground.

I took photos of the different vegetables and fruits growing in the garden. The weather has been good the past two weeks. Around 20ºC usually – apart from last weekend, when it was a lot colder – and a bit of rain almost every day. All the vegetables are growing fiercely. So are the weeds, the thistles, the grasses, buttercups that stay low on the ground. It is lovely to walk through and look at all the green lusciousness. I don’t know for how long i will work in this garden, to be honest. But for now i’m enjoying myself thoroughly.

I’ve been planting the seedlings today. Beetroot, some leftover corn, a bit of courgette.

Next the photos. Adding a description for the ones i know, the other ones, sorry, you have to tell me what they are. I’m still a beginner gardener.

Onion type, like spring onion. A green chicory.
Onion type, and i think in the middle carrots?
Leeks? The other things i don't know.
Onion type, again.
Sugar carrots, i hope!
Red currants
Published on May 23, 2016 at 6:00 by

On the roof

Today, Thursday 19 May, i went to visit my mother. We went out for a bit of shopping, got some herring for lunch and talked for quite some time.

After i got back in Rotterdam i walked up the stairs, made in front of the Central Station, going up to the roof of the Groot Handelsgebouw. It was quite a walk. I did feel my legs ache a bit. I did stop for a bit and looked around halfway. Eeew… i’m a bit scared of the height. I walked away from the side and stuck to the inside. Up on the roof it was lovely. You can walk around the whole roof, viewing the station, the north part of Rotterdam, Schiedam at the west side, the river to the south and the high rise buildings close to it.

I did film. Walking up the stairs, walking down. Looking around at the roof. I will go back early next week and film some more. After i watched what i have got now and look for more types of shots i want to use. Letting the idea come to live slowly.

For tonight, some views. The sun came out while i was walking up there. Yay!





Published on May 20, 2016 at 6:00 by


I sat on the black stone bench around the library eating my chips with mayo and curry and onions. Looking at the faces of the people walking past. Some were distrustful. Some were closed up inside. Some were thinking of what they were going to do. Some were not thinking at all. Some were talking. Some were listening.

I moved to the wooden benches around the Blaak station. I looked at the birds.

I got my veggies. More tomatoes, some apples, some strawberries.

Then into the Albert Heijn. Cookies, cottage cheese, food for my cats, eggs.

Strange how the world simply goes on and on all the time. It simply doesn’t stop and think. No time.

Another turn.

Published on May 18, 2016 at 6:00 by