Author Archives for Ellen


Still in a bit of a in between world right now. An easy post, about stuff i read.

Yesterday i read this post What World Are We Building?.

It’s easy to love or hate technology, to blame it for social ills or to imagine that it will fix what people cannot. But technology is made by people. In a society. And it has a tendency to mirror and magnify the issues that affect everyday life. The good, bad, and ugly.

It does remind me of the early days when i was online. I started around October 1995. At my work we had bought a modem, which i took home with me over the weekend. I loved it. Looking around, reading stuff. I was intrigued by muds and muses. One of the first ones i entered was MicroMuse. The first person i talked to was a journalist living on the west coast of the US. A far cry of the biollions of people being online right now.

This afternoon i went into Donner, the biggest bookstore in Rotterdam. I went after a book from Frissen. I asked someone there working at an info box. Frissen. He was on television in the book program Boeken (Books). He walked up to it straightaway. Het geheim van de laatste staat. The secret of the last state. I don’t know if i agree with him, but i do think the book will give me lots to think about. I will take this book with me to London. A book to read in the bus on my way over there.

Published on February 3, 2016 at 6:00 by

An in between day

This morning i did some shopping in the Albert Heijn. I bought food for my cats, catty litter, Tony Chocolonely milk chocolate, toilet paper and milk.

I also cleaned up my house, i wiped the floors in the kitchen and in the hall. My neighbour came by so i could tell er what she would need to do for my cats once i’m away over the weekend. I looked around my house and realised i needed to clean up!

I also baked a bread. My sixth already! Still doing the rye and spelt bread. I love the taste. Since it doesn’t rise that much, it’s no use kneading it that long. I will try other breads eventually. But for me, for now this bread is great.

Tomorrow i’ll go to the market. Not that i need that much, some more fruit to take with me, some vegetables for a miso soup. I did make a chicken soup Saturday, which is lovely. I still have one cup of that in the fridge.

Wednesday i’ll start packing. I might fit some clothes tomorrow. I need to decide if i’m gonna buy a new legging, or wear one i already have, or wear a pantyhose. Not sure yet.

The perfume i will take with me will be Portrait of a Lady. I bought this one almost a year ago on my birthday. Love this scent.

I also need to pick my ten favourite posts of the past year for my post on Friday. Tomorrow i will start going through them. Looking forward to that!

That is it for now. Kiss!

Published on February 2, 2016 at 6:00 by

Hello Goodbye

I’ve known the Beatles the whole of my life, i guess. My sister had a double 7″ single, with a booklet in the middle. I remember going through it. She also had a single from the Beach Boys, Good Vibrations. Yes!

Last December the songs of the Beatles were released to all streaming services. In the weeks since then i listened to them lots. I decided to sing a Beatles song, but it was hard to pick the right one. I do enjoy the earlier songs, like She loves you and Can’t Buy Me Love. But i ended up picking up Hello Goodbye. I love the lyrics. Extremely simple, a conversation between two opposites, a yes and a no, a high and a low, a goodbye and a hello.

Let’s just keep it to the fact i’m essentially a simple person, very much. Enjoy!

Hello Goodbye – The Beatles
You say yes, I say no
You say stop and I say go, go, go
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello

Hello, hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye
I say hello

Hello, hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye
I say hello

I say high, you say low
You say why and I say I don’t know
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello

(Hello goodbye, hello goodbye)
Hello, hello
(Hello goodbye)
I don’t know why you say goodbye
I say hello

(Hello goodbye, hello goodbye)
Hello, hello
(Hello goodbye)
I don’t know why you say goodbye
(Hello goodbye)
I say hello

Why, why, why, why, why, why
Do you say goodbye?
Goodbye, bye, bye, bye, bye
Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello

Hello, hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye
I say hello

You say yes
(I say yes)
I say no
(But I may mean no)
You say stop
(I can stay)
And I say go, go, go
(Til it’s time to go)

Oh, no
You say goodbye and I say hello

Hello, hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye
I say hello
Hello, hello
I don’t know why you say goodbye I say hello

Hela, goodbye hello
Hela, goodbye hello
Hela, heba helloa

Published on February 1, 2016 at 6:00 by


I’m throwing three coins to ask a comment from the I Ching.

I did use this book many many times when i was younger. As you can see on my diary pages. I have always enjoyed this book, but its use has grown less over the years. The last time i used it was 31 October 2015, only a few months ago. Before that 19 October 2014. Before that 17 February 2009.

I use the three coins to get the numbers. The easiest one. Heads gives a three, tails gives a two.

3 x tails 6 lines-6
2 x tails, 1 x head 7 lines-7
1 x tails, 2 x heads 8 lines-8
3 x heads 9 lines-9

As you can see in the picture at the top, i threw 7 – 8 – 7 – 7 – 7 – 6. You start building up the sign at the bottom of the image. 6 and 9 are special lines, which make them switch to the opposite. In this case you get two signs, a start and an end sign, with the special lines giving comment on the start and change.

This gives the starting sign 49. Ko / Revolution ( Molting).

The changing line 6 is at the top.

The end sign is 13. T’ung Jen / Fellowship with men.

49. Ko / Revolution (Molting)
The Chinese character for this hexagram means in its original sense an animal’s pelt, which is changed in the course of the year by molting. From this word is carried over to apply to the “moltings” in political life, the great revolutions connected with changes of governments.

The two trigrams making up the hexagram are the same two that appear in K’uei, OPPOSITION (38), that is, the two younger daughters, Li and Tui. But while there the elder of the two daughters is above, and what results is essentially only an opposition of tendencies, here the younger daughter is above. The influences are in actual conflict, and the forces combat each other like fire and water (lake), each trying to destroy the other. Hence the idea of revolution.

REVOLUTION. On your own day
You are believed.
Supreme success,
Furthering through perseverance.
Remorse disappears.

Political revolutions are extremely grave matters. They should be undertaken only under stress of direst necessity, when there is no other way out. Not everyone is called to this task, but only the man who has the confidence of the people, and even he only when the time is ripe. He must then proceed in the right way, so that he gladdens the people and, by enlightening them, prevents excesses. Furthermore, he must be quite free of selfish aims and must really relieve the need of the people. Only then does he have nothing to regret.

Times change, and with them their demands. Thus the seasons change in the course of the year. In the world cycle also there are spring and autumn in the life of peoples and nations, and these call for social transformations.

Fire in the lake: the image of REVOLUTION.
Thus the superior man
Sets the calendar in order
And makes the seasons clear.

Fire below and the lake above combat and destroy each other. So too in the course of the year a combat takes place between the forces of light and the forces of darkness, eventuating in the revolution of the seasons, and man is able to adjust himself in advance to the demands of the different times.

Six at the top
The superior man changes like a panther.
The inferior man molts in the face.
Starting brings misfortune.
To remain persevering brings good fortune.

After the large and fundamental problems are settled, certain minor reforms, and elaborations of these, are necessary. These detailed reforms may be likened to the equally distinct but relatively small marks of the panther’s coat. As a consequence, a change also takes place among the inferior people. In conformity with the new order, they likewise “molt.” This molting, it is true, does not go very deep, but that is not to be expected. We must be satisfied with the attainable. If we should go too far and try to achieve too much, it would lead to unrest and misfortune. For the object of a great revolution is the attainment of clarified, secure conditions ensuring a general stabilization on the basis of what is possible at the moment.

13. T’ung Jen / Fellowship with men
The image of the upper trigram Ch’ien is heaven, and that of the lower, Li, is flame. It is the nature of fire to flame up to the heaven. This gives the idea of fellowship. IT is the second line that, by virtue of its central character, unites the five strong lines around it. This hexagram forms a complement to Shih, THE ARMY (7). In the latter, danger is within and obedience without—the character of a warlike army, which, in order to hold together, needs one strong man among the many who are weak. Here, clarity is within and strength without—the character of a peaceful union of men, which, in order to hold together, needs one yielding nature among many firm persons.

It furthers one to cross the great water.
The perseverance of the superior man furthers.

True fellowship among men must be based upon a concern that is universal. It is not the private interests of the individual that create lasting fellowship among men, but rather the goals of humanity. That is why it is said that fellowship with men in the open succeeds. If unity of this kind prevails, even difficult and dangerous tasks, such as crossing the great water, can be accomplished. But in order to bring about this sort of fellowship, a persevering and enlightened leader is needed—a man with clear, convincing, and inspiring aims and the strength to carry them out. (The inner trigram means clarity; the outer, strength.)

Heaven together with fire:
Thus the superior man organizes the clans
And makes distinctions between things.

Heaven has the same direction of movement as fire, yet it is different from fire. Just as the luminaries in the sky serve for the systematic division and arrangement of time, so human society and all things that really belong together must be organically arranged. Fellowship should not be a mere mingling of individuals or of things—that would be chaos, not fellowship. If fellowship is to lead to order, there must be organization within diversity.

Well, what does this mean to me.

I do know the situation i’m in right now can not last forever. I don’t have work, i do not have a steady income. I have bits of money yes, but it won’t last.

The thing i set out for myself to do, next week, is to give my thirty year old drawings to Green. That is very important to me. It is extremely personal. I’m almost embarrassed to do it. But i know it is what i want to do.

I simply hope i can do it right. Honest.

I’ve been working again, for myself, for over a year. Starting again on lfs was magical. I don’t know where i got the sudden energy from. I know i was in love at the time, but that was more like a byproduct. Ending lfs, felt strange. I didn’t know then what i was going to do next, but i knew the post About was going to be the last present on I didn’t realise i was going to start a new blog that soon, on 9 February 2015.

This blog is the joy of my life. I have played around, made walks, sang songs, made video clips, wrote about my past work, about myself, cooked. And more.

I know something has to change soon. I can not think about that yet. It is like my life pivots around next Friday, 5 February. I know i am doing this myself. Nobody else is forcing this on me. It is like i can only think up until that day. After that it will be like another life.

I am doing great now though. I feel wonderful. I know i need to worry about money, but i don’t. Sometimes i think i am crazy, but i am not. I am a bit besides normal life though. And yes, i do know that can not last. But for now it’s fine.

In the end, it comes down to that question i asked myself. Do i want to live a private life, in quietness and solitude; or a public life, in fullness.

That is what i think these I Ching signs are pointing to.

Published on January 29, 2016 at 6:00 by

Steak and chips

Today i made steak and chips with mayonaise. The entrecote i bought at the butcher Mellegers. It was expensive, but for this time i did buy it.


The mayonaise i made with a new recipe. It is made with a immersion blender. You need the following:

  • an egg, the yolk and the white
  • one teaspoon mustard
  • 3 tablespoons of vinegar, i used a white wine
  • 250 ml sunflower oil
  • salt and pepper

Make sure all the ingredients are at room temperature. Put the egg, mustard, vinegar and oil in a high narrow mixing bowl. Add the salt and pepper. Put the blender in at the bottom, turn it on and move it slowly upwards. After around 20 seconds you are done.


For the chips i bought special chip potatoes in the Marqt. I did ask what sort of potato it was, but nobody knew. The special vegetable man wasn’t there. Next time i’m there i will ask him. I’m curious.


Cut the potatoes in 1 cm square pieces. First i thought about frying them. Since i don’t have a fryer, or a thermometer who goes up to around 200ºC, i decided for a oven chip. The chips were cooked in boiling water for around 4 minutes. The oven was preheating to 240ºC. The chips were coated with a mixture of sunflower and olive oil. The recipe said fry them for around 20 minutes, but it took me 30 minutes for them to get brown at the edges.

I didn’t eat all of them. A couple are saved for tomorrow where they will warm up in the oven.



The entrecote was prepare really simple. In a small frying-pan heat up butter and a bit of oil. Put in the meat, at room temperature, and bake for 2-3 minutes each side. Get out of the pan and leave for around 5 minutes to rest. Eat up!


No other vegetables. I did eat the meat before the potatoes were ready. It was finger licking good!

Published on January 27, 2016 at 6:00 by

A walk in Rotterdam: the Park

Lovely weather today. A blue sky, springlike temperatures. I went out for a walk. Through the city along the Witte de Withstreet, past the Boijmans Museum and the Kunsthal. A walk around the park. People were sitting in the trees, on the benches enjoying the sunshine. A lovely lovely day.

Read more…

Published on January 26, 2016 at 6:00 by

A present

A week ago, in the post London, i wrote that i will be going to the Scritti Politti gig on February 5 next week Friday. I have a ticked, i booked the bus and a place to spend the night, only a block away from the Roundhouse.

I did write about a dream i have in The world and the people.

I gave these drawings away, twice. First time i gave them to Iris, who was my friend when i made these. She is actually on the first drawing. The girl dancing with the yellow hat. After a time she gave these drawings back to me. Maybe because, if i remember correctly, i was looking at the drawings a lot when i was at her home.

The second time i gave them to Femke. She gave them back too. I don’t remember what she said. But i have the feeling she felt it was too much.

After that i kept these drawings. I actually almost forgot about them. Until the sledgehammer moment. I got them out of the cupboard. I made a photo of the seventh card, which has only text on it, which is the last part of the song A little knowledge by Scritti Politti.

I always felt that i shouldn’t keep these drawings. I was actually thinking of giving them to Green in 2006. I talked about this idea with friends, who advised against it. I do think they were right, then.

Now, I actually would like to give these drawings to Green.

No strings attached. Well, apart from my crazy dreams, but hey!

This could go many ways. First, of course, is that nothing will happen. Which seems most likely to be honest. But i hope not. And there are of course a million other ways this could go. Yes, i have thought about this too! For many many years. And its scary. Yes. But i do feel i gotta do this. To sort of liberate myself? Maybe? And i know i could let it go. Which is what i said two days ago. No i won’t write. No no nononono. I have my pride. I’m not gonna do this.

But every dream i have comes to this point. And i can’t get around it. I always get stuck. I change things, twist them, but it always happens. And i don’t know why.

I’ll miss my drawings. But i do think they will go to a good home.


I will take the drawings with me. I will try to talk to Green. I will try to give these drawings to him. I don’t know if he will accept them.

I could fail hopelessly.

I hope i will keep myself together. Sometimes i think that it is just a small thing. These are simply small drawings i made almost thirty years ago. But to me they are not small. They have been a part of my life for all those years. And their meaning has grown for me.

I did write to Rhodri, who is in the band, in November 2014. I did send links to the pictures with that e-mail. He would ask Green about it, but warned me that he was not very good in replying to e-mails. He never did.

This is difficult for me. I hope i can make this work, somehow. I know i have grown over the past year. That will help me.

I am scared, yes. I don’t see how i could not be. One part of me wishes this was over and done with. Another part wishes to run away and lead my own life. Another part wants to stay here at home forever. But even though this is scary, i know i will go to London and i will try to give these drawings to him. I can only hope he will accept them.

Published on January 25, 2016 at 6:00 by