Categories for My story

I spend today walking from shop to shop. I bought two bigger steel brushes and two smaller brass brushes to clean the garden tools in both the Vredestuin and the Vredestuin Noord. I went in several supermarkets looking for wooden nail brushes for Daniël. I finally found them in the Jumbo, the last supermarket i went to. Ninety-one cents. Yay!

I did think about what i wrote yesterday. A part of me stands behind it. Another part thinks it is a bit too neat, a bit too clean. Which is what i am not. Clean i mean. It is so easy to let myself be drawn in by the words i use. They tell their own story.

But i do feel i need to fight. Stand up for myself. Be quiet when i need to be. Talk when i feel i need to say something. Say what i feel. Clearly.

Enjoy your weekend. See you next week!

The last few days have been intense.

Sometimes i feel so happy. Sometimes i have tears in my eyes, so sad. Sometimes i feel confused, not sure what to feel. Sometimes i feel angry, grrrrr. Sometimes i feel worried. Sometimes i feel scared. Sometimes i feel sexy, longing for somebody. Sometimes i feel quiet. Sometimes not.

I have said it at times, i am my own worst enemy. So true. I don’t think i really understood what i was saying. It is getting clearer now. My own worst enemy. I am holding myself back. I am trying to fit in. I am trying to build a life for myself. Still.

Today while i was walking to the garden and afterwards walking back home, i realized. I have to let it go. I am almost there. Almost at the cusp. Ellen, let it go. Please. Up until now i am kidding myself. Trying to make myself smaller, more insignificant. Do not look at me. Do not see me. I am not here. Scared. Hiding.

I want to live the best life i can imagine. I want to be rich in experience. I want to share my thoughts and my feelings. With everybody. I want to love and be loved. With someone.

Trust yourself Ellen. You can do it.

Last week i had a talk with a friend. She told me some things don’t register until they happen. You may know they will happen. But only when you are in the midst of it you can think and act on it. That is similar to how i feel right now. Two years ago i sold my house. I knew then i could only live in it for two more years. I knew time would move fast. But still, it feels like it is not real. It feels like it won’t happen. But it will.

I have talked about it here on ellenpronk.com, my sledgehammer moment. Five years ago, i felt like i was hit. Hit hard.

WAKE UP! WORK! WORK HARD!

I started working on my website again. Then lfs.nl. Now ellenpronk.com. My work. My thoughts, my photographs, my walks, my work in the garden, my homemade skincare. Five updates a week. I never missed one. My work.

Crazy. Foolish. Giving up everything i have. Selling my house. Giving up paid work. Insane. Strange. This world we live in wants you to work, make your own money, pay for your own living. It is senseless to fight it. This is the way the world functions. Stupid woman. Stupid stupid woman.

That is me talking to myself. Sometimes I do cave in. The pressure i sometimes feel is too big. There is a reason i gave myself two years of living in my old home with enough money to not worry about anything. A time-out. Free space. A sabbatical. Time to think about me and this world. This time is rapidly coming to an end. I do hope i am finding the courage to continue living my life the way i want and let my voice be heard in a clear manner.

This is a difficult time. I am aware that every single thing i do has unexpected ramifications. It is so easy to stick to the easy ways. To stay safe. Secure. Protected. Not what i want. Absolutely not. Yes, i am scared. But until now i will not let that prevent me from growing and learning and enjoying life. With friends. Smiling at the people i meet on the streets. Smiling at the children i see on the streets. Happy.

Every single day everybody makes choices. This way or that way. Go with the flow. Go against the flow. Make it easy. Make it hard. Talk. Be quiet. Most choices are not conscious. You do not think about them. And so we all live in this world with its history and its ways and customs and its future. Most people go with the flow. Some people fall out.

This is it. This is the way of the world.

Is it?

I am sitting here behind my computer with tears in my eyes. I don’t have any answers. I do have lots of questions. About what people do and say all over the world. About what the future could bring. About what has shaped the world to be as it is today. About globalization, the internet, money, business, the rainforest, Europe, Brexit, Trump.

It is difficult to keep myself together. My mind is full of thoughts and images and sounds. I watch youtube, television, movies. I read. I listen to music. I dance. I sing. I work in the garden. I am not letting it go. I am not caving in. I am not admitting defeat. I am standing still. I am trying to keep my peace, look outside and figure out what is there.

We all live on this world together. Right here, right now. On this seemingly little insignificant pinpoint of a planet falling through the universe.

We all make choices every single day, every single moment. I have made so many mistakes, so many wrong turns. The main mistake is the absence of choice. Simply let the society you live in make a decision for you. Do this. Do that. Live like this. Or like that. Do whatever comes in our mind. Listen to us. We know better.

I stand still. Not sure which way to go. Trying to find a clear thought. Trying to make sense of it all.

I am of course mad as hell. Livid. Furious, deep down, below the surface of a gentle woman.

I hope, i trust i can make some right choices in the nearby future.

Earlier this week i got an idea for today’s post: health. I was thinking about my personal history with my diabetes. How i first not thought about it that much. Simply took the medicine. I did drink a bit less, no longer a bottle of wine each day. I did loose some weight, around ten to fifteen kilos. This morning, thinking about this period nine years ago, i suddenly felt tears in my eyes.

I never thought about this time as being unhappy. I knew i wasn’t terribly happy, but no, not very unhappy. Now i realize i was exactly that. Unhappy. Terribly. Feeling so unhappy with my life. Nothing i imagined had come true. I worked and played warcraft. That was it.

At that time i didn’t think about this. I didn’t feel it. I didn’t cry. I just went on. And on.

Now, i am in a much more precarious position. But i am happy! Finally. I enjoy my life. I don’t even feel that much fear about the future. I am curious, excited even. I don’t know what will happen, but i want to find out. I trust myself. I am strong. Stronger than ever before.

So yes, today i feel a bit off. I feel heavy. But this is all old pain i am feeling. And it will pass.

Enjoy your weekend! Salute!

So Lonely

Roxanne

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De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da