Yesterday i moved into my new room, which i rented for the next month. Today i decided that in this month i will think about what i want, what direction i want to move into. Last week i said to Ted that it felt to me like i was on a large marshalling yard with all tracks linking to each, with no clear idea of the direction i want to take. Confusing. I want this to become clear. As clear as possible at least.
I admit, i do feel lonely. I feel sad about it. I can not run away from this feeling, i have to go through it. I need to solve this, and if not, learn to live with this and hopefully make the best of the rest of my life.
It feels to me that the past five years i have been trying to set myself free of constraints. Free of ideas i only half belief in, free of ideas other people have put in my mind without me thinking about them.
I know i live a dangerous life. I know i have chosen this for myself. It’s not a life i particularly like. It is full of worries. Unexpected events. Sudden twists and turns. But it is my life, my own choices, my own wishes, completely my own. I am not letting go. I am not giving in.
Of course i have desires. I have needs. I would love to have some friends, people i can trust, people i can talk with about anything. And i would love to have somebody real close to me, a true friend. To hug and kiss. Somebody i am still missing in my life.
I need to fix my life. Somehow.