Author Archives for Ellen

So many voices

I am able to listen to many different voices saying all kinds of different things. I listen to the press conferences of the Dutch government. I listen to the Dutch news on television. I listen to the news programs, some talk shows. I listen to some youtube channels. Jordan Peterson has my ear, Rebel Wisdom, gardeners, scientists, make up ladies, MadSeasonShow, Russel Brand i’m getting into. This is just a fraction of what sparks my interest.

I also speak to people around me. This afternoon i had a serious conversation with a fellow gardener about friendship. A good talk.

One thing i said in that talk is sticking with me. I talked about the time i wasn’t seeing any friends, around eight years. I said i had learned many things in that time. Things about myself. I said i got out stronger.

I also said i was much happier now than before that lonely time.

I am really happy with that. I still feel that inside of me. Happiness.

Today was a good day! Salute!

Published on April 29, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Death

Today i was thinking about what i wrote last Thursday for my post on Friday.

Right now i’m in an in between place. Not yet leaving behind my past, not yet looking to the future. This pain i feel is something i need to deal with. I need to give it a place to rest. I know i can. I know. But it is hard, difficult, painful.

Today i came across several articles and posts and videos which were directing me in the same direction:

  • Liminality

    • . In anthropology, liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning “a threshold”) is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of a rite of passage, when participants no longer hold their pre-ritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the rite is complete. During a rite’s liminal stage, participants “stand at the threshold” between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way, which completing the rite establishes.

  • Rite of passage. A rite of passage is a ceremony or ritual of the passage which occurs when an individual leaves one group to enter another. It involves a significant change of status in society.
  • This came up while i was watching a youtube video: Myth, Wisdom & Pandemic, Stephen Jenkinson, Zak Stein & Charlotte Du Cann

    I haven’t finished this video, but i will continue once i have written this post. The word liminal did come up in it quite early on in the video. Curious about the rest of it.
  • Then the thought came up to pull a day card for me. I pulled Death. Pulling the Death card is like, are you ready to move onto the next level?

I have been thinking about these aspects and things in myself for many many years. Maybe even the biggest part of my life. I hope i can find the courage within myself to continue with this. To take on my life and my work with seriousness. To not let go. To hold on. Fiercely.

Published on April 28, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Plan A

Three months ago i moved my stuff out of my house. I stayed in there for another short week, clearing up all the things i didn’t want to save. Magazines, a couch, an old fridge. Out of my house.

Because it still felt like my house. And really, right now, it still feels like that. I still feel the pain of leaving that nice little place at the waterside close to the center. I still have the key of the downstairs front door, so i can get my post. Because i’m still officially living there. Sometimes at night i still see the sleeping room, the bathroom, the backroom, the front room and the kitchen in my mind. I still feel what it was like to live there. Safe. Alone.

This hurts. A lot.

This evening i talked with Ted about this feeling. I felt the tears coming to my eyes. I said i have only one plan. Plan A. This website. This place which i have made my own. This place which i love. This place here where i feel at home. This place i can not leave behind.

Right now i’m in an in between place. Not yet leaving behind my past, not yet looking to the future. This pain i feel is something i need to deal with. I need to give it a place to rest. I know i can. I know. But it is hard, difficult, painful.

So right now, i am looking back, living the memories.

I hope you are well. Enjoy the weekend. Stand up straight! Salute!

Published on April 24, 2020 at 6:00 by
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A hard day’s work

Today i spend the afternoon working in the Vredestuin Noord. It is a lovely day, the sun is shining. Together with Hilde i spend the afternoon working hard.

We did the following:

  • we seeded three full trays of courgette/zuchini and three full trays of pumpkins
  • we watered all the seedlings and the plants in the greenhouse
  • we watered all the new planted grapes at the pergola, five liters for each grape
  • we watered the calendula, the kohlrabi, the chamomile, the beetroot, the parsnips and other root plants seeded in the bed
  • we talked about Friday, when i will be working at the Vredestuin Noord, we will seed chard and flowers, the cosmos and the zinnia!

Just after five i was simply too tired to harvest anything. I walked back home slowly. I made a salad, with spinach and half a avocado and tomato and pepper and soft goat cheese. Yum! After that i got a cup of coffee. Thanks for that!

And now i’m too tired to do anything else. Bye bye! Enjoy the photos i made!

Published on April 23, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Stay safe

Blauwe regen - Blue rain
A green wall
Chives in flower
Raspberries
Sweet peas planted out against some branches binded together - and a blackbird.
A strawberry in flower
In a general context, the Ace of Wands represents good news and new beginnings. It signifies taking action, physically starting something, new initiative and finding new passion, enthusiasm or spark. It is a Minor Arcana card of accepting a challenge, getting fired up and getting in the game. It can also represent discovering your potential or talent and brings a sense of urgency and a new lease of life when it appears in your Tarot spread. This is a card indicates that you have creative spark and are feeling bold and daring. It also signifies spontaneity and excitement so expect fun times when it appears in your Tarot reading. This card can also represent fertility, conception and birth. Source
Published on April 22, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Many questions

This afternoon i went out to get some groceries. I needed salt, which i got from the Gimsel. I also bought there peanut soup for a lost day, a seitan sandwich and a raisin small bread. I met someone i knew there. We had a short talk. I walked on to Harolds, the shop for painting and drawing and all that stuff, close to art school. It was open, but you could only pay with your debit card. Which i had forgotten. So further on to the HEMA.

I wanted to buy some new pens. Just before i walked out i had found out a close friend has become a father over the weekend. I felt so happy with that news! So i checked the toys in the HEMA and finally decided on a small thing to give him one day. Elin is the name of our new world citizen. Lovely!

Going on. I saw the news on the big board at the Beursgebouw, Stay healthy, stay safe! At that moment i felt i was in some kind of dystopian movie. Next two keepers of the peace walked by. Another sign.

It felt so strange. The silent city all around me. Hardly any people on the streets. Everything so bright and sunny. But empty.

And i know, i understand. I do! I get this disease. I get it it is very contagious. But so far – as of today, Monday 20 April, in the Netherlands, the official death number today is 3.751. Two years ago in 2017/2018 there was a surplus of 9.400 influenza deaths in the Netherlands. That is a risk we are used to. That is a risk we take in life. We take it we can die when we step down a stairs, when we drive a car, when we enter a train, when we drink alcohol. Whatever! We know this and we accept this. An accident sits in a small corner. We accept this. We know our environment is not that healthy for us, but we take it.

But this, this corona, this COVID-19, this is too much. It endangers our most vulnerable people. The old, the sick. It is dangerous. We need to close everything down. We need to stay away from each other. The one and a half meter society is upon us. We are scared. Scared to death!

I’m not saying that we should accept this risk as it is. I’m still half convinced that we are doing the right thing. But i do realize there is a limit to this. There is an end date. Definitely.

I have read the post written by Karel Beckman called Nu stoppen met de lockdown – anders raken we onze vrijheid voorgoed kwijt (Stop with the lockdown – else we will loose our freedom indefinitely). It states clearly that a society without risk is a totalitarian society. Risk is a part of our free society. This is a statement i wholeheartedly agree with.

I follow the current situation with utmost interest. And a healthy dose of distrust. And many many questions.

Published on April 21, 2020 at 6:00 by
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A spring walk in the Kralingse Bos

16.276 steps

A long walk today, all around the Kralingse Plas. I enjoyed the singing of the birds, the wind through the young leaves. The bluebells in some parts of the forest. Glorious. I hope someday i know more names of plants. Today i learned the name of the bluebells, boshyacinten in Dutch. It is their time right now. Blossoming in the shady parts of the forest.

Bluebells - boshyacinten

And more bluebells 🙂

One of the few places the wild garlic is growing in the forest

Published on April 20, 2020 at 6:00 by
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The pharmacy

I haven’t done that much today. This morning i watched the briefing of the RIVM (National Institute for Public Health and the Environment) to the Tweede Kamer (House of Representatives). I watched it with interest. Especially the death rate of elder people who live in a nursing home is worrying. Many elder people who are ill and not tested.

I am still thinking about our ‘anderhalvemetersamenleving‘, our one and a half meter society. I understand the rule. I realize all science and medical knowledge favours this rule. I abide by this rule when i do my walks. I often move to the street when i saw someone coming up to me on the sidewalk. Sure.

But we are social beings. We live in a tight fitted community. We love to hug, to hold somebody close, to kiss, to feel the warmth of somebody else close to us, to put our arms around each other. We love to be close. So i can not see how this rule can be held up longer than a few months, if at all. Elder people especially miss their families.

I’m still thinking about this. Troubled about this. Not sure about this.

Ooh, the title of this post! Well, that was my walk today. I went to the pharmacy to get new medications for the next three months.

This evening i picked a card for today. I shuffled the stack of cards beforehand, split it in three parts and made it in one stack and picked the top card: Nine of Pentacles. A good card.

In a general context, the Nine of Pentacles is a great omen to get as it represents success, independence, confidence, freedom, security and stability. It is a Minor Arcana card of abundance, prosperity and wealth gained through hard work, self-discipline and control and self-reliance. It signifies that you have worked very hard to create the success and status you are experiencing and now is the time to enjoy it. So indulge yourself, pamper yourself and enjoy the luxury and contentment your accomplishments bring you. The Nine of Pentacles also signifies beauty, grace, elegance and sophistication so you may find yourself enjoying the finer things in life when it appears. This card also tells you that you have gained maturity and wisdom through your perseverance. If representing a person, it usually represents a strong, confident, independent woman who is beautiful and sophisticated and has worked hard to get where she is.
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Enjoy your weekend. Salute!

Published on April 17, 2020 at 6:00 by
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Gardening and talking and hard work!

This morning i woke up around eight. I did go to the toilet, but got back into bed for a while. I continued watching some Jordan Peterson’s video’s on youtube. Youtube has so many of them. I’m not sure what i think of Jordan Peterson. I haven’t read any of his books. I do think some of the things he is saying makes sense. I’m not a all out feminist myself. Not the way i used to be. But i need to read more from him, about him and watch more videos. And maybe read his book.

I did fall asleep for a short bit after i finished watching this video. I got out of bed around half past nine. Made breakfast, the almond flour and one egg and a spoon of young white cottage cheese. With bacon.

A quarter to eleven i walked to the garden. Lovely weather. Sunshine, not too cold. At the garden the three of us worked on the broad beans, we watered the plants in the greenhouse who were dry, we watered the beets, we harvested some veggies, like rocket, chervil, chard and kale. We talked about corona. We talked about how we enjoyed the quietness in the cities. The clear blue skies. We talked about the birds. The blackbird, male and female looking for something to eat. The great tit whistling on the pole of the entrance.

I made some pictures of the flowers in the garden. The cherry trees all white against the blue sky and the old Shell building.
The hawthorn flowers in the hedge.

I got a call, just towards the end of the working moment. Brian is on his way and he wants compost. Brian gives us his horse manure, so of course he gets it. Still quite a job getting it all out of the compost, in the wheelbarrows and to his trailer. Bit too much i confess. We sort of half managed it.

Slowly i walked back home. I bought a Turkish pizza and ate it back home on the terrace, around half past three. Then i went upstairs and lied down on my bed and watched some youtube videos. I did put my laundry in the washing machine. For dinner i made a salad. I picked some fries from Ted and Assie. Yum!

And now i sit behind my computer writing this post. I will watch Tussen kunst en kitsch, after that i will brush my teeth and go to bed. I’m tired. Tomorrow a new day!

Published on April 16, 2020 at 6:00 by
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