This last year felt like a storm running through my life. Daytime was ok usually, making a new present, walking, buying groceries, working if i had some work to do. Making photos, writing texts, reading, listening to music. And the last months making a video. Filming, editing, choosing the music track.
Nighttime was different. I don’t remember a single night in which i didn’t wake up. Many nights in which i couldn’t fall asleep. Many nights filled with daydreams. Basically the same daydream, but with small changes occurring over time. I know that everything i daydream will not come true. The mix of events is limitless though.
I wrote about My boyfriend a year ago.
I got a list of names, but there are many more people whose name I don’t know. And of course I got dreams. I just move another picture of a face on my boyfriend. I give him another name. Easy. It’s hard to make me not do that. Might even be impossible.
One of the themes of my daydreams is marriage. Yeah. Embarrasing. I actually do watch Say Yes to the Dress on TLC. Not every day, but when there is nothing else on, i zap to it and watch it for a short time. It is fascinating. And horrible at the same time. I don’t recognize myself in the women searching for the right dress at all, but it is still fascinating to watch. I don’t even really want to get married myself — still, a special festive day just for me and my boy friend would be truly nice.
I will be horrified if anything i daydreamed would happen to me in real life. But daydreaming doesn’t care about these culturally refined attitudes. They are about wish fulfillment. Marriage does seem to suit my needs.
The state of daydreaming is a kind of liminal state between waking (with the ability to think rationally and logically) and sleeping.
Another theme in my daydreams is fame. More specifically, the question if i could handle becoming famous myself. Up until now i haven’t been able to answer this question with a definite no or yes. When i look at my own life, i don’t see fame in itself as something i strive for. But when i look at my work, i do see the complete openness of it. From my posts here on ellenpronk.com on my past work, to the nine years of work on lfs.nl. It is all freely available for anyone to go through.
It does all boil down to the question about my futures, public or private. I should have realized that it really is not a easy question to answer. I can be almost childlike in my enthusiasm. But i do feel i need to answer this question seriously. Especially if i am asking this myself.
Of course my own objections are first in my mind. I’m too old. I’m too fat. I’m not beautiful. I’m simply not good enough.
But these are my own insecurities speaking up. Denying myself the time to really think about this question and giving me an easy way out. All circumstances are pointing that way, the way out, the way to a private life. The life i’ve lead my whole life. But i haven’t answered the question, i’ve simply pushed it behind all my personal hang-ups.
It is very tempting to daydream about options which could open up for me. Suppose i were to become famous. Simply assume this were to happen, theoretically. Someone Lisa Eldridge or Pixiwoo could put the right make-up on. I’d love that! What if they could put me in dresses especially made for me. What if i could really sing. Not like i do now, in my iPhone 4, done in an hour or two, but really sing at my best. That would be amazing! I’d love that! I can lose a few kilos over that for sure. Or not. 🙂
I am scared.
I could easily wipe away these questions. I have done so in the past, i can do it again. But i know the life behind me. It is OK. Sure. But i feel i will regret it if i stick with it. For comfort. Because of course, i’m not good enough.
So the question is not if i could handle fame. The question is if i wish that for me. An exciting life. A life full of people, friends and enemies. A life with days crammed with work to do. In which i will be tired at the end of the day.
To that, my answer is a clear YES!