I’m throwing three coins to ask a comment from the I Ching.

I did use this book many many times when i was younger. As you can see on my diary pages. I have always enjoyed this book, but its use has grown less over the years. The last time i used it was 31 October 2015, only a few months ago. Before that 19 October 2014. Before that 17 February 2009.

I use the three coins to get the numbers. The easiest one. Heads gives a three, tails gives a two.

3 x tails	6
2 x tails, 1 x head	7
1 x tails, 2 x heads	8
3 x heads	9

As you can see in the picture at the top, i threw 7 – 8 – 7 – 7 – 7 – 6. You start building up the sign at the bottom of the image. 6 and 9 are special lines, which make them switch to the opposite. In this case you get two signs, a start and an end sign, with the special lines giving comment on the start and change.

This gives the starting sign 49. Ko / Revolution ( Molting).

The changing line 6 is at the top.

The end sign is 13. T’ung Jen / Fellowship with men.

49. Ko / Revolution (Molting)
The Chinese character for this hexagram means in its original sense an animal’s pelt, which is changed in the course of the year by molting. From this word is carried over to apply to the “moltings” in political life, the great revolutions connected with changes of governments.

The two trigrams making up the hexagram are the same two that appear in K’uei, OPPOSITION (38), that is, the two younger daughters, Li and Tui. But while there the elder of the two daughters is above, and what results is essentially only an opposition of tendencies, here the younger daughter is above. The influences are in actual conflict, and the forces combat each other like fire and water (lake), each trying to destroy the other. Hence the idea of revolution.

THE JUDGMENT
REVOLUTION. On your own day
You are believed.
Supreme success,
Furthering through perseverance.
Remorse disappears.

Political revolutions are extremely grave matters. They should be undertaken only under stress of direst necessity, when there is no other way out. Not everyone is called to this task, but only the man who has the confidence of the people, and even he only when the time is ripe. He must then proceed in the right way, so that he gladdens the people and, by enlightening them, prevents excesses. Furthermore, he must be quite free of selfish aims and must really relieve the need of the people. Only then does he have nothing to regret.

Times change, and with them their demands. Thus the seasons change in the course of the year. In the world cycle also there are spring and autumn in the life of peoples and nations, and these call for social transformations.

THE IMAGE
Fire in the lake: the image of REVOLUTION.
Thus the superior man
Sets the calendar in order
And makes the seasons clear.

Fire below and the lake above combat and destroy each other. So too in the course of the year a combat takes place between the forces of light and the forces of darkness, eventuating in the revolution of the seasons, and man is able to adjust himself in advance to the demands of the different times.

Six at the top
The superior man changes like a panther.
The inferior man molts in the face.
Starting brings misfortune.
To remain persevering brings good fortune.

After the large and fundamental problems are settled, certain minor reforms, and elaborations of these, are necessary. These detailed reforms may be likened to the equally distinct but relatively small marks of the panther’s coat. As a consequence, a change also takes place among the inferior people. In conformity with the new order, they likewise “molt.” This molting, it is true, does not go very deep, but that is not to be expected. We must be satisfied with the attainable. If we should go too far and try to achieve too much, it would lead to unrest and misfortune. For the object of a great revolution is the attainment of clarified, secure conditions ensuring a general stabilization on the basis of what is possible at the moment.

13. T’ung Jen / Fellowship with men
The image of the upper trigram Ch’ien is heaven, and that of the lower, Li, is flame. It is the nature of fire to flame up to the heaven. This gives the idea of fellowship. IT is the second line that, by virtue of its central character, unites the five strong lines around it. This hexagram forms a complement to Shih, THE ARMY (7). In the latter, danger is within and obedience without—the character of a warlike army, which, in order to hold together, needs one strong man among the many who are weak. Here, clarity is within and strength without—the character of a peaceful union of men, which, in order to hold together, needs one yielding nature among many firm persons.

THE JUDGMENT
FELLOWSHIP WITH MEN in the open.
Success.
It furthers one to cross the great water.
The perseverance of the superior man furthers.

True fellowship among men must be based upon a concern that is universal. It is not the private interests of the individual that create lasting fellowship among men, but rather the goals of humanity. That is why it is said that fellowship with men in the open succeeds. If unity of this kind prevails, even difficult and dangerous tasks, such as crossing the great water, can be accomplished. But in order to bring about this sort of fellowship, a persevering and enlightened leader is needed—a man with clear, convincing, and inspiring aims and the strength to carry them out. (The inner trigram means clarity; the outer, strength.)

THE IMAGE
Heaven together with fire:
The image of FELLOWSHIP WITH MEN.
Thus the superior man organizes the clans
And makes distinctions between things.

Heaven has the same direction of movement as fire, yet it is different from fire. Just as the luminaries in the sky serve for the systematic division and arrangement of time, so human society and all things that really belong together must be organically arranged. Fellowship should not be a mere mingling of individuals or of things—that would be chaos, not fellowship. If fellowship is to lead to order, there must be organization within diversity.

Well, what does this mean to me.

I do know the situation i’m in right now can not last forever. I don’t have work, i do not have a steady income. I have bits of money yes, but it won’t last.

The thing i set out for myself to do, next week, is to give my thirty year old drawings to Green. That is very important to me. It is extremely personal. I’m almost embarrassed to do it. But i know it is what i want to do.

I simply hope i can do it right. Honest.

I’ve been working again, for myself, for over a year. Starting again on lfs was magical. I don’t know where i got the sudden energy from. I know i was in love at the time, but that was more like a byproduct. Ending lfs, felt strange. I didn’t know then what i was going to do next, but i knew the post About was going to be the last present on lfs.nl. I didn’t realise i was going to start a new blog that soon, on 9 February 2015.

This blog is the joy of my life. I have played around, made walks, sang songs, made video clips, wrote about my past work, about myself, cooked. And more.

I know something has to change soon. I can not think about that yet. It is like my life pivots around next Friday, 5 February. I know i am doing this myself. Nobody else is forcing this on me. It is like i can only think up until that day. After that it will be like another life.

I am doing great now though. I feel wonderful. I know i need to worry about money, but i don’t. Sometimes i think i am crazy, but i am not. I am a bit besides normal life though. And yes, i do know that can not last. But for now it’s fine.

In the end, it comes down to that question i asked myself. Do i want to live a private life, in quietness and solitude; or a public life, in fullness.

That is what i think these I Ching signs are pointing to.

A week ago, in the post London, i wrote that i will be going to the Scritti Politti gig on February 5 next week Friday. I have a ticked, i booked the bus and a place to spend the night, only a block away from the Roundhouse.

I did write about a dream i have in The world and the people.

I gave these drawings away, twice. First time i gave them to Iris, who was my friend when i made these. She is actually on the first drawing. The girl dancing with the yellow hat. After a time she gave these drawings back to me. Maybe because, if i remember correctly, i was looking at the drawings a lot when i was at her home.

The second time i gave them to Femke. She gave them back too. I don’t remember what she said. But i have the feeling she felt it was too much.

After that i kept these drawings. I actually almost forgot about them. Until the sledgehammer moment. I got them out of the cupboard. I made a photo of the seventh card, which has only text on it, which is the last part of the song A little knowledge by Scritti Politti.

I always felt that i shouldn’t keep these drawings. I was actually thinking of giving them to Green in 2006. I talked about this idea with friends, who advised against it. I do think they were right, then.

Now, I actually would like to give these drawings to Green.

No strings attached. Well, apart from my crazy dreams, but hey!

This could go many ways. First, of course, is that nothing will happen. Which seems most likely to be honest. But i hope not. And there are of course a million other ways this could go. Yes, i have thought about this too! For many many years. And its scary. Yes. But i do feel i gotta do this. To sort of liberate myself? Maybe? And i know i could let it go. Which is what i said two days ago. No i won’t write. No no nononono. I have my pride. I’m not gonna do this.

But every dream i have comes to this point. And i can’t get around it. I always get stuck. I change things, twist them, but it always happens. And i don’t know why.

I’ll miss my drawings. But i do think they will go to a good home.

Hopefully.

I will take the drawings with me. I will try to talk to Green. I will try to give these drawings to him. I don’t know if he will accept them.

I could fail hopelessly.

I hope i will keep myself together. Sometimes i think that it is just a small thing. These are simply small drawings i made almost thirty years ago. But to me they are not small. They have been a part of my life for all those years. And their meaning has grown for me.

I did write to Rhodri, who is in the band, in November 2014. I did send links to the pictures with that e-mail. He would ask Green about it, but warned me that he was not very good in replying to e-mails. He never did.

This is difficult for me. I hope i can make this work, somehow. I know i have grown over the past year. That will help me.

I am scared, yes. I don’t see how i could not be. One part of me wishes this was over and done with. Another part wishes to run away and lead my own life. Another part wants to stay here at home forever. But even though this is scary, i know i will go to London and i will try to give these drawings to him. I can only hope he will accept them.

Holidays in the traditional sense are not my thing. I did go with my family. First in the Netherlands, in a little house in a forest. With swimming pools close by. Then, from when i was six years old, we went abroad. Spain. In 1970. Alicante. Torremolinos. After a few years we went to Tenerife. Playa de las Americas. Those holidays are very much a part of my life with my family.

My last holiday was in 1993. I went to Crete with a friend for three weeks. Walking with a backpack, wild camping, a few nights in a room. It was a good holiday. On the whole. But yeah, my last.

I did go to London several times the past twenty years. At first to meet some people from a Scritti Politti get together. I did go in 1999 for sure. I made three presents then: Clouds, Refrigerator Poem and Sky. I think i went the year before as well, but i couldn’t find anything about that.

My big thing happened in 2000. Around April i got an email with the question if i wanted to work in London. I went over for a day and well, i didn’t need that much time to think about it, i said yes. I rented my house to my stepbrother and the beginning of August, off i went.

It was hard.

Thursday November 16, 2000
18.08 GMT

Its been a while. I could write something long here, about how difficult it is, especially work, on which i don’t seem to get a grip. But i won’t. I just hope i’ll get the energy to start working on presents soon again, and maybe that will help me through work as well.
Untill that time, it’ll be quiet here.

Its funny here at work though, all these people on their mobile phones walking through the wide midpath (one day i’ll post a picture of the office, in secret… ). I hardly use mine, its just convenient to have one here in London. Not sure what i’ll do when i go back, it has its uses. Its just that i forget i have it with me, and that would be horrendous in a cinema. Email is another thing here, i’m getting used to it, but it still feels funny emailing someone who sits just 10 metres away from me. Oh well, its welcome to the big modern world, miss ellen.

Anyway, i justed wanted to write something. Just say hi basically. Next time i’ll do that in a more visual way, promiss!

love
Ellen

I felt a complete failure. I didn’t realise that the company i worked at was about to go bankrupt. I didn’t realise i was actually lucky. I got paid for all the days i worked. Other people, who heared after Christmas that they were all without a job, were not so lucky. I used my website to ask for another job in London, and wow, i got one. A job to make a website for a television program, Shipwrecked. It was in Holland Park, i had to work all through the Christmas period – oh well ok, i had two days, in which i played Tekken and read Harry Potter the first three books.

After that i gave up. I went back to Rotterdam. I was tired. I got some freelance work from London. I went back to London for a couple of weeks at the end of 2001. I stayed with Danielle, with whom i became fast friends. I got freelance work from my old employer in Rotterdam, and a year later i got back to work there. Really, i felt a failure.

In 2005 i went back to London. I stayed with Danielle once again, at her house in Maygrove Road between West Hampstead and Kilburn.

A year after that in the Scritti Politti Yahoo-group there was message Green was performing in a pub in a band called Double D and the Traitorous Three. For the ones not knowing, Scritti Politti hasn’t performed life since 1980. So this was sort of huge event. For me anyway.

I posted a message on the board and asked if there were Dutch people who were interested in going to London if there was a new gig. Two people replied, Marco and Ernst. So when that gig was posted, for 5 February 2006, we did go. We pulled an all-nighter, were extremely tired when we got home, but hey, we had seen Scritti Politti play!

On 30 March that same year Scritti played life in Paradiso, Amsterdam. And in July that same year they performed in the Scala in London, where i went to myself.

In 2009 my sister asked me to go to London with her and her two kids. I happily went along, and even though the experience was a bit mixed – i am not used to teens doing their own thing for sure – it was good to be back in London once more.

That is 7 years ago.

And now, in three weeks time, i am going to London once again.

Yes, Scritti Politti is performing in the Roundhouse in Camden on 5 February, London. And i have bought the ticket, booked the bus, since it is the cheapest way to go, and booked a sofa through airbnb, only a block away from the Roundhouse. I will leave on Thursday 4 February and come back Sunday, or rather Monday morning 8 February. Giving myself the time to look around in London once again. On my own.

I still have the dream to go away from Rotterdam one time. I lived here for thirty years. I do love this place, but well, honestly, i could happily live in another place. London is really expensive though. So i don’t know how i would manage that. But it is number one on my list of favourite places to live.