Bye bye mum
Nellie van Noorden – Korbee
23 October 1934 † 9 February 2025
23 October 1934 † 9 February 2025
Categories for My story
My mum
My mother’s life is turning to a close. I’ve been to see her twice over the past week. Monday i will go again, hoping she will be alife still. She gets morphine every four hours. She does sleep quietly until the effects of it wears off.
This is not how i imagined the first week of my going as i want on this website to go. But i have to deal with life and death as they come to me.
Bye bye!
Invitation and thoughts about moving on
This morning around 12 i went to the bookshop Donner in the center of Rotterdam. I took ‘snert’, a thick pea soup with smoked sausage called ‘rookworst, rye bread with ‘katenspek’, a sort of bacon, but then different. I read the newspaper, my usual one the Trouw (Fidelity).
I sat as i do usually at the large reading table. It has room for my lunch and the newspaper spread out. I was surprised to be asked out for a lunch somewhere else by a gentleman who sat at the same table. I simply answered i lunch at Donner. I didn’t even say no, but i think it was implied by me. Well, i felt a bit flattered, but at the same time i had no desires at all to go out with the gentleman. I have other more important things on my mind, thank you very much.
The last week i had thoughts about this website. Halfway through it the thought crossed my mind to change my frequency of posts. To make it more lively, so to say. To give myself room to make more or less posts as i wish. So i will start after this post. I don’t know what will come out of it. But i hope i will have more posts, most shorter, some drawings, some photo’s, some clips. We will see!
So i will post something in the midst of this week, not at my usual time of 6, but simply when i upload or write something. I hope it will work out!
Messy – sort of
The past week Messy was in my head almost the entire time. In the beginning of the week i just had the song on my mind. I saw somebody on Tiktok talking about it with the song playing. I thought “hey! that’s it!” and looked it up on youtube. Ha!
I don’t know the lyrics yet. I don’t mind. I love this song. And only yesterday i found out this song is in the UK at the top of the charts. And here in the Netherlands at number 6. I’m happy this song is doing good. Love it!
I will be listening to the entire album this week.
Messy
Lola Young
You know I’m impatient
So why would you leave me waiting outside the station
When it was like minus four degrees?
And I, I get what you’re sayin’
I just really don’t wanna hear it right now
Can you shut up for like once in your life?
Listen to me, I took your nice words of advice
About how you think I’m gonna die lucky if I turn thirty-three
Okay, so yeah, I smoke like a chimney
I’m not skinny, and I pull a Britney every other week
But cut me some slack, who do you want me to be?
‘Cause I’m too messy, and then I’m too fucking clean
You told me, “Get a job”, then you ask where the hell I’ve been
And I’m too perfect ’til I open my big mouth
I want to be me, is that not allowed?
And I’m too clever, and then I’m too fucking dumb
You hate it when I cry, unless it’s that time of the month
And I’m too perfect ’til I show you that I’m not
A thousand people I could be for you, and you hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
Hey, hey
It’s taking you ages
You still don’t get the hint, I’m not asking for pages
But one text or two would be nice
And please, don’t pull those faces
When I’ve been out working my ass off all day
It’s just one bottle of wine or two, but, hey
You can’t even talk, you smoke weed just to help you sleep
Then why you out getting stoned at four o’clock
And then you come home to me?
And don’t say hello ’cause I got high again and forgot to fold my clothes
‘Cause I’m too messy, and then I’m too fucking clean
You told me, “Get a job”, then you ask where the hell I’ve been
And I’m too perfect ’til I open my big mouth
I want to be me, is that not allowed?
And I’m too clever, and then I’m too fucking dumb
You hate it when I cry, unless it’s that time of the month
And I’m too perfect ’til I show you that I’m not
A thousand people I could be for you, and you hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
Oh, and I’m too messy, and then I’m too fucking clean
You told me, “Get a job”, then you ask where the hell I’ve been
And I’m too perfect ’til I open my big mouth
I want to be me, is that not allowed?
And I’m too clever, and then I’m too fucking dumb
You hate it when I cry, unless it’s that time of the month
And I’m too perfect ’til I show you that I’m not
A thousand people I could be for you, and you hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
You hate the fucking lot
Looking in
Next week
A week ago the thought crossed my mind, I don’t need to put up my video up this week, i can do it next week. I felt a relieve. The coming two weeks i don’t work, i have all the time in the world to work on this video. So I will. Wish me luck!
After that i will stop making a new blog post for a couple of weeks.
A happy Christmas to you all!
Post
Lunch in Donner, the bookstore on the Coolsingel. I read two newspapers, the Trouw and the NRC. My coffee is just served, together with a piece of cheesecake with a strawberry jam at the top.
Walking into town, just an hour ago, i thought about writing this piece. I also thought about the videoclip i am still working on. Maybe using some old footage? Will i have it ready at December 23? How will my life look like next year? Will i still be working?
I don’t know. I do not know.
I got a bit of time left.
I do know, next year, my life will be different.
No way out
I am working on a video, with a self sung number filmed in the garden. I love the idea. But work goes so slow.
And my life continues. I don’t know which way to go, i don’t know what to do. I feel stuck. I only have this idea for this clip. That is all.
My life simply goes on and on and on.
I don’t feel terribly sad. I don’t cry that much. I hardly talk about how i feel. Apart from this place, this website; this place in which i feel freedom.
So small and so important. To me.
Lost
Confused
Doubting
Insecure
Troubled
Sitting still
Screaming inside
Outward quiet
Trembling
Nervousness
Keeping my hands before my eyes
Doubting
Insecure
Troubled
Sitting still
Screaming inside
Outward quiet
Trembling
Nervousness
Keeping my hands before my eyes
Keeping still, hunched up against a wall, trying to hide
Lost
Lost
Lost
I felt this knawing ache inside me the whole day. It is better now. It is something i gotta go through. I can not leave it behind. So please do not worry, i’m fine, in the end.
Plenty
22 June 2024
I do not feel happy. I feel lost. Not sure which way to go. So i sit still. I do not move.
Today i went into town. I tried on two t-shirts in HM. They didn’t fit too well. Almost see through. I walked home.
I am close to tears, but not crying. I feel so sad.
So confused.
So lost.
23 June 2024
I cleaned up the house for a bit during the morning, before i took a shower. I moved my bed, hovered underneath it. I took the vacuum cleaner upstairs and did the kitchen, the front room, the hallway. I cleaned the toilet. I cleaned up one wall of tiles in the kitchen, the top of the refrigerator and the washing machine.
A shower.
I played a bit of World of Warcraft. Around twelve i walked to Donner in the centre. I sat at the large table with the newspapers and magazines. I started talking with Hans. Andre and Martin joined us. We talked about the old V&D, the Hema, all the gone and lost shops on the Lijnbaan. Andre mentioned he drinks lots of tea from Thee Maas. One he mentioned was a jasmin tea. You put three round jasmin drops in a cup and let it sit in hot water for four minutes. I should get some.
After they had left i heard some shouting drifting in. Someone was standing in front of the Zara across the street. A pro Palestinia demonstration. “There is one solution!” What did they mean by that? No Israel anymore? I can not imagine that.
On my way to the supermarket i walked past a pro Israelian demonstration near the city hall. All five of them.
This brought me close to tears.
I feel much better today. I do feel sad about the world.
All the people walking by, shopping themselves away.
And yes, i was looking for some new things myself. A white t-shirt. Didn’t find one. Also thinking that i don’t really need one. I have enough.
I have plenty.