Eighth of February 1986
This might not come true of course. Still, i like to talk with people about all sorts. I like to say hey. I like to wave. I like to smile. Lots 🙂
I hope i can say what i think at one certain time. That has been hard. I forget. I forget so much. But then i remember again. Yay! Until i forget once more. Mehh 🙁
So here its up to no forgetting. Yes!
It is not my whole story though. I can talk. As for me telling the world how to treat me, it’s getting closer. I know i’m bright, i’m smart, i don’t get fooled easily. I don’t show it that much, but it is true. I have learned for the whole of my life. I am not letting go.
My mum, i love her. But our relationship is difficult. I’ll let it be.
So yes, i have been lonely for the most part of my life. Friends have come and gone. I have learned over time. New lessons each time. And i still have so many new things to learn.
I am not sorry i spend my time the way i did. First going to school, than studying, than to art school, than working, than freelancing. Finally i came to where i am now, with nothing to show for it. But inside i have kept on learning. Working in the garden. Moving from place to place. To where i am right now. I do not feel sorry. I do not have any regrets.
I can take care of myself. With all my tears, all my sorrows, all my own little and big stuff that is going on, i will take care of myself.
This morning i walked out of the house i live in, i took a few steps and was called by a good friend who was on his way to work. He asked me how i was. I started to cry. I couldn’t help myself. A woman was standing in her window below where he lived and asked what was wrong. She said she was going on a holiday today (= Monday) and that i could live in her house for three to four weeks.
I will move in today, after three o’clock. It is a short term solution of course. I do need to think about a long term one. But it does buy me a bit more time. So still, yay!
Eight years ago i started this blog. I update it five updates a week. A maximum of five weeks of holiday a year. I have sold my house and lived on the proceeds for the remainder of the time. The last two years i moved from room to room. The last half year i lived in the house i live in now. For one more week. My money is running out. I have enough only for the next two months.
I am not crazy. I hope so anyway! I acted like this for a specific reason. Truth be told, this process is lasting longer than i expected. Now it is coming to a crunch time. The moment of truth. The point of no return.
I feel i need to pick a public life or a solitary life. That is not true of course, i could pick from a multitude of lives. A life in which i work, a life in which i protest against the current working climate. I could pick anything i want.
But what do i want? I could fall in love. I can sing songs. I will keep on working here. Photographs, dances, write columns, drawings. Or i stay in the hidden depths. Keep on working on myself. Until the day i die.
I just want to mean something to the world. But all i seem to do is loosing everything.
Am i fooling myself with these thoughts?
But what is the alternative? Do we all come in this world with no reason behind it, no story to tell. All a part of the same machinery. The capitalistic neoliberal hyper machine which is fragmenting the stories away from us. Is that it?
I don’t believe that.
What do i really really want? I would love to fall in love with somebody. Somebody who reminds me of me, but also entirely different. Somebody who leads his life as i do, with respect and attention to everything surrounding him.
But this post is not about him, it is about me. I am still waiting for someone to pick me up from this life. And that is not happening. It is as simple as that. I need to get out myself. It is no option anymore to live silently.
It is strange i feel as happy as i do. There are so many things wrong in my life, but yes, this happy is how i feel. It is intermixed with occasionally feelings of dread, but that is getting less.
Maybe i am crazy! Maybe i am confused. In two weeks time i will be without a house, with only around 1400 euros in my bank account. But i am not thinking about that at all. I am thinking about what to write or make here, on my website, my personal place.
This feeling is not new to me. I’ve had it before. And of course i know it could fail. I could be wrong. Of course. But it doesn’t seem to interfere anymore, as it did a couple of weeks ago. When i felt bad at times. Not the whole time, but still, especially at night, i worried. About my place to stay, about my money, about my future.
So here i am. Happy. I only half understand it. But it is fine. I am curious to see what the future will bring.
By the way, i am also really nervous. Exited. A huge amount of emotions are going through me. Damn!
I lie in the dark, naked, covered by the duvet. I move my body slightly. I move my hands over my body. I touch my nipples. I move my hands over my back.
I hadn’t masturbated for quite a while. I could feel my body responding to my own movements. I love this feeling of exhilaration and mounting desire for an upcoming release.
I am lying on my side. I love the feeling of the fullness of my body, the fullness of my breasts. My nipples stand stiff upwards. I slowly turn my body so i am lying on my back. My hand moves towards my pussy. I slowly begin to push and release. I spread my legs. My other hand is on my breast, massaging the nipple. My breath comes louder.
I spread my legs wider. A surge is building up. Wider even. I start to moan, softly. The duvet is shoved down. I can feel it coming.
The release is lovely.
I lie awake for several hours after. Sometimes i move my body, but i don’t feel like anything right now. I get out of bed around one. I play a bit of turtle wow. I go back to bed. I do fall asleep. Not sure what time.
In the morning i thought about what to write for tomorrow.
Ooh, i know!
This Tuesday i lost all fear i had felt about the future. It was the day i let the cat from upstairs in the house. Her boss is away until Friday. I will let both front doors open. I love it. Joep is the name of the cat (Yup ?). Right now Joep is lying on the chair behind me.
I am thinking. About me, what i wish for, what i want. I know that wanting something will not help me get it. I am trying to clear my mind of all the things people fill their lives with. A new car. A new home. A new husband or wife. Something new to pass the time with. Something new to forget that it is not what you want. Those are not things i want. But i have other things i want. Friends. Enough money. An active life, filled with meetings and talks. I do not have those things right now.
Sometimes i am thinking of the world, the universe, politics, philosophy, art. But most often i find myself watching television or youtube, reading twitter. Keeping up with the news. I am not sitting in a little cabin in the woods. I am living in a large city in the Netherlands.
I feel lost. I am here at the end of time, or so it feels to me. And it is not even a true feeling. It is all simply inside of me. All these emotions are nothing but a distraction.
I am waiting for some insight into my life. It is growing inside me with small steps. But is this the best way to make it grow? I simply do not know.
I need to quiet myself down, find some rest within myself. The past few days i have been thinking about this post. I didn’t write anything down. Today i feel a bit empty. But what i want to write is on the edge of my mind. I just need to get there.
Last Saturday at the market we had a talk about my situation. I said i didn’t want to get money from the Dutch government. But as one person said, it is impossible to live in the Netherlands without any money. Sharing money is bound by many rules. One example: someone helped another person out by giving her weekly groceries. Once this was discovered the person had to pay back around 10.000 euros. This was finally lowered to 2800 euros by a judge.
I did try and get social security, around four and a half years ago. They wanted to get me to work, so i said no. Around six months after i went to the municipality i sold my house.
So here i am. Almost out of money. Filled with despair some of the time. But not always. This past week i felt really good. Happy. Nervous. I have given myself one more week to see if i can make this website work for me. This is the last post of this week. And i don’t know if i can make it!
Earlier this week i felt so sure about what i was going to write. The bit above about the system in the Netherlands was part of it. But the rest i simply have forgotten. Of course this means it wasn’t a important part. I need to learn to wait until it is clear to me what i want to say.
In the end i want to have peace with all the outcomes. If i need to get a job, if i need to get social security, if i do become world famous. Whatever. Have peace.
I want to stick to the way i live my life right now. Calm. Peaceful. Thinking. Sometimes an upheaval, like last weeks thinking about the Ukrainian – Russian war. About which i am still not sure. I don’t like either party, the West or the East. But this post is not about this war – it is about me. I still hope i will find a place for myself here on this earth. I haven’t found it yet.
My life lately has been difficult. I am scared. My future lack of money, my future descent into nothingness. So it seems. But i am also elated, joyful, happy. I trust myself and my work. They will save me.
Today, Thursday, i got out of bed around a quarter to five in the morning. Yesterday evening i felt so happy. It was hard to contain.
I’m tired. But it will get better. Over the past few weeks.
I live in this world which is already made up: houses which are build a hundred years ago, streets which are made a hundred years ago. I live in this little piece of land, the Netherlands, the Low Countries. In this world, with those mighty big cities: New York, Shanghai, Delhi, Mexico City, Tokyo. With these suburbs, ghettos, slums in them and around them. People fleeing into the cities, trying to find a way to survive this world. This complacent world going ahead on its course not aware of anything that goes wrong. The insects and fish and animals which are becoming extinct each and every day: 150 species each day. Each single day.
And i am sitting here on this piece of the world, the Netherlands. It is icy cold. You need to work work work to get some money money money to live your life life life as good as you can imagine wish dream. People are happy happy happy here, or so they say.
I try to manage my life here. But my money money money is slowly running out. I still live officially in my old house, i get my post there. There still isn’t anyone else living there, strangely enough. But this will not last forever.
I have these scary thoughts and feelings, but i don’t let them take over me. I want a life worth living. Scary thoughts are part of the life i want. It can all go wrong. Of course!
I will make mistakes. Of course. But it is not the end of my life. Not there yet.