Categories for My story

• Do you have a dream to follow?
  • I do have a dream. Sometimes the dream almost disappears. Like the last couple of weeks, in which i was busier trying to get work, trying to get a welfare benefit, which most likely will fail. But i don’t want this welfare. I don’t want an ordinary job in this world. Only a special job will do. A job in which i talk with people all over the world. A job in which i will sing a song. A job in which i will make a video clip. That is my dream.

    This might not come true of course. Still, i like to talk with people about all sorts. I like to say hey. I like to wave. I like to smile. Lots 🙂

• What are we, as human beings, going to do with our moment in time?
  • This is different for each person. I want to get my personal best out of life, of course. That almost goes without saying. Still, i like to say it here as an answer.

    I hope i can say what i think at one certain time. That has been hard. I forget. I forget so much. But then i remember again. Yay! Until i forget once more. Mehh 🙁

    So here its up to no forgetting. Yes!

• What is more important to you in your relationships: love or respect?
  • I am not sure. A couple of years ago i would have said love. Now i might say both love and respect. And maybe, maybe, respect is enough. I don’t know! Not yet!
• What path through life appeals to you the most?
  • The path i picked in the past eight years was a difficult and lonely path. I never thought it would end here, in this situation. Hardly any money, no house. And i’m still not feeling down. I’m quite happy really. As for this path’s appeal, not sure it has any. But it is the only path i can walk. So far. I am getting closer to a switch. My money is running out. That is the only reason i need to decide what my next step is going to be. Looking for work is one thing. I do hope i can find something soon. I need to! Of course!
• Bruce Lee: “you will never get any more out of life than you expect”. Do you agree with him?
  • Yes. I do expect quite a lot. Not sure i get all that. I can only hope it. With all my heart.
• James Baldwin: “you’ve got to tell the world how to treat you because if the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble”. Do you agree with him?
  • I am usually a quiet person. I listen to people. I enjoy that.

    It is not my whole story though. I can talk. As for me telling the world how to treat me, it’s getting closer. I know i’m bright, i’m smart, i don’t get fooled easily. I don’t show it that much, but it is true. I have learned for the whole of my life. I am not letting go.

• Are you able to face up to loneliness in your life?
  • For the most part i have been lonely in my life. I remember the time my father asked me if i wanted to have a blood test taken, to check if i was his daughter. In 1988 or 1989 it was. That was bullshit of course. It was just a spiteful thing my father did. He didn’t want to see me anymore. He wanted to break off all contact with me. It was the last thing i heard from him.

    My mum, i love her. But our relationship is difficult. I’ll let it be.

    So yes, i have been lonely for the most part of my life. Friends have come and gone. I have learned over time. New lessons each time. And i still have so many new things to learn.

    I am not sorry i spend my time the way i did. First going to school, than studying, than to art school, than working, than freelancing. Finally i came to where i am now, with nothing to show for it. But inside i have kept on learning. Working in the garden. Moving from place to place. To where i am right now. I do not feel sorry. I do not have any regrets.

    I can take care of myself. With all my tears, all my sorrows, all my own little and big stuff that is going on, i will take care of myself.

    A promise.

This morning i walked out of the house i live in, i took a few steps and was called by a good friend who was on his way to work. He asked me how i was. I started to cry. I couldn’t help myself. A woman was standing in her window below where he lived and asked what was wrong. She said she was going on a holiday today (= Monday) and that i could live in her house for three to four weeks.

I will move in today, after three o’clock. It is a short term solution of course. I do need to think about a long term one. But it does buy me a bit more time. So still, yay!

Eight years ago i started this blog. I update it five updates a week. A maximum of five weeks of holiday a year. I have sold my house and lived on the proceeds for the remainder of the time. The last two years i moved from room to room. The last half year i lived in the house i live in now. For one more week. My money is running out. I have enough only for the next two months.

I am not crazy. I hope so anyway! I acted like this for a specific reason. Truth be told, this process is lasting longer than i expected. Now it is coming to a crunch time. The moment of truth. The point of no return.

I feel i need to pick a public life or a solitary life. That is not true of course, i could pick from a multitude of lives. A life in which i work, a life in which i protest against the current working climate. I could pick anything i want.

But what do i want? I could fall in love. I can sing songs. I will keep on working here. Photographs, dances, write columns, drawings. Or i stay in the hidden depths. Keep on working on myself. Until the day i die.

I just want to mean something to the world. But all i seem to do is loosing everything.

Am i fooling myself with these thoughts?

But what is the alternative? Do we all come in this world with no reason behind it, no story to tell. All a part of the same machinery. The capitalistic neoliberal hyper machine which is fragmenting the stories away from us. Is that it?

I don’t believe that.

What do i really really want? I would love to fall in love with somebody. Somebody who reminds me of me, but also entirely different. Somebody who leads his life as i do, with respect and attention to everything surrounding him.

But this post is not about him, it is about me. I am still waiting for someone to pick me up from this life. And that is not happening. It is as simple as that. I need to get out myself. It is no option anymore to live silently.

I need to quiet myself down, find some rest within myself. The past few days i have been thinking about this post. I didn’t write anything down. Today i feel a bit empty. But what i want to write is on the edge of my mind. I just need to get there.

Last Saturday at the market we had a talk about my situation. I said i didn’t want to get money from the Dutch government. But as one person said, it is impossible to live in the Netherlands without any money. Sharing money is bound by many rules. One example: someone helped another person out by giving her weekly groceries. Once this was discovered the person had to pay back around 10.000 euros. This was finally lowered to 2800 euros by a judge.

I did try and get social security, around four and a half years ago. They wanted to get me to work, so i said no. Around six months after i went to the municipality i sold my house.

So here i am. Almost out of money. Filled with despair some of the time. But not always. This past week i felt really good. Happy. Nervous. I have given myself one more week to see if i can make this website work for me. This is the last post of this week. And i don’t know if i can make it!

Earlier this week i felt so sure about what i was going to write. The bit above about the system in the Netherlands was part of it. But the rest i simply have forgotten. Of course this means it wasn’t a important part. I need to learn to wait until it is clear to me what i want to say.

In the end i want to have peace with all the outcomes. If i need to get a job, if i need to get social security, if i do become world famous. Whatever. Have peace.

I want to stick to the way i live my life right now. Calm. Peaceful. Thinking. Sometimes an upheaval, like last weeks thinking about the Ukrainian – Russian war. About which i am still not sure. I don’t like either party, the West or the East. But this post is not about this war – it is about me. I still hope i will find a place for myself here on this earth. I haven’t found it yet.

My life lately has been difficult. I am scared. My future lack of money, my future descent into nothingness. So it seems. But i am also elated, joyful, happy. I trust myself and my work. They will save me.

I hope.

Today, Thursday, i got out of bed around a quarter to five in the morning. Yesterday evening i felt so happy. It was hard to contain.

I’m tired. But it will get better. Over the past few weeks.

Salute!