Categories for My story

22 June 2024

I do not feel happy. I feel lost. Not sure which way to go. So i sit still. I do not move.

Today i went into town. I tried on two t-shirts in HM. They didn’t fit too well. Almost see through. I walked home.

I am close to tears, but not crying. I feel so sad.

So confused.

So lost.

23 June 2024

I cleaned up the house for a bit during the morning, before i took a shower. I moved my bed, hovered underneath it. I took the vacuum cleaner upstairs and did the kitchen, the front room, the hallway. I cleaned the toilet. I cleaned up one wall of tiles in the kitchen, the top of the refrigerator and the washing machine.

A shower.

I played a bit of World of Warcraft. Around twelve i walked to Donner in the centre. I sat at the large table with the newspapers and magazines. I started talking with Hans. Andre and Martin joined us. We talked about the old V&D, the Hema, all the gone and lost shops on the Lijnbaan. Andre mentioned he drinks lots of tea from Thee Maas. One he mentioned was a jasmin tea. You put three round jasmin drops in a cup and let it sit in hot water for four minutes. I should get some.

After they had left i heard some shouting drifting in. Someone was standing in front of the Zara across the street. A pro Palestinia demonstration. “There is one solution!” What did they mean by that? No Israel anymore? I can not imagine that.

On my way to the supermarket i walked past a pro Israelian demonstration near the city hall. All five of them.

This brought me close to tears.

I feel much better today. I do feel sad about the world.

All the people walking by, shopping themselves away.

And yes, i was looking for some new things myself. A white t-shirt. Didn’t find one. Also thinking that i don’t really need one. I have enough.

I have plenty.

Last Friday i had a talk with a person at the Paulus Church. My post gets delivered there. The difficulty of my current situation finally hit me. I won’t talk about it too much here. It is a personal problem.

Since then i felt a sinking feeling inside of me. On the other hand, i did start to work seriously on my new video clip. I will finish it and post it next week. I am happy i am continuing to work on this important personal project.

After that i will take a few weeks off on updating this website. I am giving myself some time to think about my future and take some steps.

Bye bye for now. Take care!

My feelings right now about my work here is that it is nearing its end. I am working on the video clip i want to post in a couple of weeks. Than i’ll take a break. I will give myself some time to think about my life and see what way i will be heading towards. Of course not think about my world famous work which still is in the future, my video clip. I don’t know what will happen.

I will do my best though. Of course.

For around ten month i have been thinking about a new video clip. First i was going to make it with drawings. I changed my mind. I would film! I had no song, nothing came up. Only in January this year, 2024, i came up with the last refrain of the song A little knowledge.

I used this text in the drawings i made 8 February 1986. It is strange how picking this text can elude you so easily. It gave me a good title for the video clip: A verse for nothing.

It will be a while before i am done with this clip. Some parts i have filmed, but other parts not. It’ll be a month, two months before i am done. I do feel happy. Also a bit nervous. Of course.

Lets hope for the best.

Around ten months ago i got the idea of making another video clip. Yay! i thought. I was gonna make a hand drawn video, like the drawings i make and publish here. I thought about it for months. I set up a new video in flash. I was going to publish it in quicktime.

Then i changed my mind. Slowly the idea of filming and making the video in final cut pro took over. That is where i’m at right now. But i still don’t know the song, i only have filmed a few bits of me walking over paths. But i have ideas of filming myself dancing, singing, staring at the world.

I will make this video. I will. It doesn’t need to be smooth, doesn’t need to be fancy. I want it to be truthful, close to my life as it is right now. Working, walking, reading, watching movies and television. Well, walking, singing and dancing is enough material.

I hope i will find the song soon. Maybe it is one i have already sung. Maybe it is from a favourite group, maybe it is a new song. I don’t know. I do know where i will sing it. The bathroom where i live has a beautiful sound. Of course.

I am happy i am not letting go of this idea. I am happy thoughts keep changing bit by bit. Even though i feel quite sad lately, and alone in this world, i still have these ideas to make me happy.

One more week till Christmas! Not that special to me, but still, a week off is nice. Yay!

Last week, during one night, i woke up. It was around two, three maybe?

My head was filled with worry about why i had sold my house, now almost six years ago. It startled me. I thought i had left this far behind me. But no.

It is strange that now i work, i make a bit of money, i could easily live in my old house with the mortgage i was paying for it at the time.

There is of course nothing i can do about it. It is a time gone by. I live here and now. I’m still not sure what way my life will take. I do know waking up last week did something to me. Yes, i feel a bit sad. Yes, it is difficult right now.

I’m not letting it take me down. Sure, i can worry, i can feel sad, lost. But the next day i’m still good to go.