Tuesday i went to the market and the library. In the library i read the papers. When i walked back home i met a friend. The next couple of hours we spend talking about all sorts of things: sex, our livelihood, friends, conflicts, people we both know.
The day before i had a talk with my current house boss. It was a good talk, he was clear minded and well spoken. He called me fatalistic, waiting for an accident sure to happen soon. I do not agree with him, but i do see his point.
I am getting closer to taking a new direction in my life. My money is running out. It is difficult to describe my feelings to other people. What do i really really want to do with my life? What matters the most to me? What sort of job would i like to work in? What makes my life worth living?
What would i enjoy doing? Singing! I know i’m not terribly good at it, but i love it. Dancing! I love to dance! I love to make videos, but content is hard to reach the past years. I love to talk. Plenty of things i love to do. But it is all not significant to other people. That is not a job they say. That is simply something you enjoy doing! But why should a job be different from the things you enjoy doing?
Yesterday evening i felt a happiness which filled me up right to the top. How come, while i have only enough money to last me a month or two. Am i crazy? Deluded?
I am alone. This gives me pros and cons. I do not need to give attention to anyone. I don’t get attention myself.
I am not the most beautiful woman in the world. I am not the smartest. I am not the most skilled woman. I may be an artist, i am not sure. I may be a singer, a dancer, a talker. I don’t know.
I am determined. I am not letting go. I do not give up.
This step was taken a long time ago.
Source photo: Tao van Poeh, Benjamin Hoff