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When i think back on a year ago it feels like it is miles and miles away from now. I know where i was at that time, i know where i lived. But it feels like an insurmountable collection of mountains and canyons with only a small path going through the streams, over the glaciers, through the woods and on the plains.

Since July i have been working as a home help. It was not what i wanted, but right now i’m happy to be doing this work. I work with all different sorts of people. I am still learning to do this job with pleasure. One day goes better than the the other, but it is going well. In my humble opinion.

Today i made a walk through the commercial centre of the city. I danced with a group of singers on the Beursplein. Enjoyable! I talked with a woman in front of Cheap Fashion, where we started talking about the pink and silver clothes in the shop window.

I feel happy. Joyful. I sang a bit myself when i walked away from the singers. Lovely.

I hope you will have some nice days over the coming holidays. Alone, or with family, or with friends.

A big hug from me to you. Salute!

For four months i have worked. I do enjoy working for most of my clients. For some more than others. For some not at all. But most people are friendly and nice. Cleaning up house for people who are not able to do it themselves is worth doing. It doesn’t pay well, but for now it is enough.

But i do feel unhappy. I do not cry. On the whole i feel ok, i enjoy working most of the time. But my life is not what i wish it to be. I don’t have any really close friends, i don’t have any children, i don’t have any close contact with my family, apart from my mother. My life feels empty. It is not i want to fill my life up thoughtlessly, absolutely not. I am learning every day. But i do feel an impatience in me. When is it going to happen? Whatever it is.

My wishes might not come true. I might die in an ocean of solitude. I might never get there, wherever there may be. I still need to fight in me with myself.

My unhappiness is not important. It is a feeling i have within me, nothing more. I have to come to terms with it. That is difficult, but not impossible.

Another working week ahead of me. I hope you are doing well. Best wishes. Salute!

Today is the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II. I watched a bit on Dutch and British television. The people in the procession, walking with an equal step, waving their arms all the same. It is a mighty sight.

This Friday morning i got on my bike and went to the place i have my furniture stored to bring my walking shoes. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. After that i played a bit of turtle wow.

I feel lost. I can be strong and don’t talk myself down, but it is difficult. I hope i can find some courage inside me and fight for a better world.

This afternoon i went to the harvest market of the Peace Garden. I did some drawing, talked with some people. I enjoyed myself. I did go home early.

Enjoy this upcoming week. I hope i will. Salute!

The world wakes up. Sometimes i am a bit early at work. I stand outside and watch the people passing by. Each one is starting his or her day.

The windows of the houses are all different. Some have only a few plants on the window sill, some have closed curtains, some have blackout curtains. I see no people standing looking out of their window.

All this will not last. That is a given. The world is changing continuously. People meet their ends all the time.

While i walk in the commercial hubbub of the modern city i watch the people walking by. Sometimes i imagine a situation in which things are different; the sea level has risen, the shops are empty, food is scarce. People will loose their civilized shiny outer layer. It could happen. One day.

Now i’m back home. My home for now. And i’m distressed and puzzled about what to write. I have scrapped so many sentences i wrote the past week. Mind you, i do that every time i write something recently. To me it is a good thing. It means i am thinking about what to write. Not that i come to an answer, but i don’t mind that too much. For the time being.

I will leave you here. I will be back next week.

Salute!

I just got home from my mom’s place. I stayed there from Thursday till Sunday. I love staying with her. I watched more television than usual at home. We went into the village on Saturday, into the small shopping centre on Friday. It was lovely.

I’m happy to say that i start to feel a bit better. Working is fine so far. I don’t make that much money, but i’m happy with what i have. I will look around for other jobs, but i’m a bit picky.

And then there is me. My old dreams seem a far far away distance. But they are not gone all together. It is partly fantasy. But there is also a grain of truth in there. Small, but still.

It is still impossible to completely let go of these dreams. Of me talking, of me doing things i enjoy doing.

The world feels so wrong. Let’s just hope for the best. Pray, wish, dream, talk. For the best.

A couple of months ago i made a huge error. I gave the address i lived in at the moment to someone of the municipality. I said i lived there for only three weeks. I didn’t pay anything for it. But still, a huge error. I ignored it for a while, but it came back to me.

I felt awful. For months. It is getting a bit better. I can see the circumstances are a big part of why i told the address to the person on the line. But still, shame shame shame. I should never have said it. It would have meant my application for welfare was not valid. In the end it has been denied anyway.

I’m in a vulnerable condition. No home, very little money. For the past four weeks i have worked, but i don’t make enough. I don’t have any debts. that is a good thing.

And then there is this little voice inside of me. Almost inaudible it whispers to me “you gotta go through this” – “there is light at the end of the tunnel”. I almost do not believe this little voice.

Be kind to yourself. A deep warm hug from me to you.

My fourth week of work starts tomorrow. My work of house care isn’t difficult, but i do need to get used to it. I’m happy i need to go to the place i need to clean. It makes my work varied. Sometimes i like the person who i am cleaning for, sometimes i’m indifferent. I don’t dislike anyone.

I’m still in an in between phase. I’m happy i found work to do, but that only goes up to a certain limit. After another month i will talk to the employment agency to check if there are other jobs more in my old line of work, like webmaster of somewhere related to front-end development.

Keep it up woman!

• Do you have a dream to follow?
• What are we, as human beings, going to do with our moment in time?
• What is more important to you in your relationships: love or respect?
• What path through life appeals to you the most?
• Bruce Lee: “you will never get any more out of life than you expect”. Do you agree with him?
• James Baldwin: “you’ve got to tell the world how to treat you because if the world tells you how you are going to be treated, you are in trouble”. Do you agree with him?
• Are you able to face up to loneliness in your life?