Categories for Column

Believe

The leaf buds on the trees are slowly opening up. Some trees have flowers first. The almond trees in the Peace Garden. Cherry blossom. Magnolia. Some of them are already out of blossom. A light wash of green covers most trees right now. A bit of white or pink of upcoming flowers. Some trees are still bare.

I do my utmost best to remain tranquil. Right now i feel calm. Peaceful. But at the edge of my consciousness is anxiousness. Sometimes it comes to the front. Usually at night, before i fall asleep. And i feel the beating of my heart. Almost pounding. I do believe in myself though. With all my heart.

It can be so easy to let it go, to conform myself to the most common way of living. Safety first. Insurance of course. But my life is getting less far-sighted.

I do worry sometimes. I am trying to break that unsettling habit. I don’t want to look ahead in my life and see what will be occupying me then. To be honest, i don’t think that is possible. Our looking ahead simply projects our life into the future, but many accidents and changes occur during our life’s progress we are not aware of.

The COVID pandemic from the last two years, the Russian – Ukrainian war going on right now and all the changes that brings along with it show that life is unpredictable to the core.

Where will i be in three weeks time? I don’t know.

Truth be told i do not know.

Published on April 8, 2022 at 6:00 by

The harvest market and walking and more

Last Saturday i went to the market, like i do all Saturdays. It was cold, around 5ºC. I like to look around at the people and the children and the dogs. I don’t talk that much at the market. I enjoy listening. I left the market earlier than usual.

I went out this morning and walked to the Essenburgpark. I looked at all the people i walked by on my way over there. Smiling, saying hi to one or two. My head was still full of what i had just read in the book Ultimate Questions. I was wondering what the people i met on the streets were thinking of. I had no idea. I smiled at the people whose eye i caught.

In the park i sat on a bench for around fifteen minutes. I listened to the birds singing their happy song. Even though it was cold, spring is definitely setting in. I saw some people letting out their dog.

I walked to the supermarket. I was thinking of this post while walking. I only remember half of it. Strange how i seem to forget what i thought.

On the street where i live i came across a lady with a lovely dog. The dog looked me in the eye. He was pulling the leash. The lady let go of him and he ran towards me, jumping up at me. So happy! He was so cute. Or she, i don’t know.

Once inside the house i made some tea. I watched Buitenhof. Most was about the Ukraine – Russian war. Terrible what i saw about the ordinary civilians of suburbs of Kyiv lying dead on the streets where they used to live.

It is a strange time. As always.

Published on April 4, 2022 at 6:00 by

Mad as hell

Over the past few weeks i have been lying awake during the night. My mind is worried. Worried about my money running out slowly but surely. The past day i thought about applying for a temporary job. That is not what i want, but it might seem to be the only real way out for me. Because i don’t want to live dependent on the friends i have.

At the same time i want to bump into that money limit. It is a completely imaginary way of almost dying, disappearing from life. That is what appeals to me. I don’t want to go back to working and making a living and dying in some place unremarkable with no history and nothing to show for my life. But, on the other hand, i can imagine my life being quiet and unremarkable and about learning to control my inner urges, which of course i do have. A restful life.

Why do i need to pick a side? Why can’t i simply live my life as i see fit? Well, the world and the people are not that fair. You need to fight for what you want. I have had it easy so far. So buckle up and take it as it comes to you, miss Pronk.

I have been hiding. I crept away. I was satisfied working here on this website with no clear goal.

And of course i am mad as hell. It is no use though. If i want something, fight for it!

Published on March 4, 2022 at 6:00 by

More quiet now

I do enjoy the quiet. The past few days, since the day the war between Russia and Ukraine started, i was very much into twitter, youtube and even television. I watched the news, strangely for me.

I love the quiet, the solitude, the silence. The cars are far away, mostly i hear the birds singing their song lately. Early spring singing. It is my basis. Of course this doesn’t mean i can not handle any upheaval or confusion in my life. I know i can.

Published on March 3, 2022 at 6:00 by

Quiet and angry

With the war going on between the Ukraine and Russia, i’m in between feeling angry and quiet. Angry with the world, with the way things are developing. Quiet because that is me. Of course now is not the time to be quiet. I want to yell. Scream. But no, i am not. Not yet anyway.

This is a confusing time. The war between Russia and the Ukraine goes against anything i can imagine. The deaths, the destruction, the fleeing of people, it is all so devastating. My mind tries to understand something of Putin, but this is too farfetched. Even when reading about people like Dugin – see my post of yesterday – it is alien to me.

I think back on the previous wars: the Iraq war, the war in North-West Pakistan, the war in Yemen, the war in Lebanon, the war in Somalia, the war in Georgia, the Boko Harum uprising, the Syrian civil war. This is just a selection of the wars in the world from 2003 till the present day. Three quarters of these wars i had never even heard about. I live here in the Netherlands feeling safe and protected.

In between the ongoing assault of the war news is a frightening message from the IPCC: “This report is a dire warning about the consequences of inaction”. We are at the edge of counter measures against the climate change. Only for around ten years will measures we take have an effect.

Part of me rejects reading this message on the news website and on twitter. As i do all other messages i read which aren’t about the war. Something i have to fight within myself. The current war is a problem, of course, but there are so many other problems going on in the world right now.

And yet, to me this world seems to be going on and on. Wars, floods, fires, volcano eruptions, it all keeps on happening. There are only moments of peace and tranquility. It seems.

I do want to find rest within myself. And at times i find it. To loose it all once again. Like i did the last few days.

I stand still and straight.

Salute!

Published on March 2, 2022 at 6:00 by

What i really really want

I want to be in the midst of life, have a house in a big city, with a garden, where i can grow veggies and flowers for cutting and enjoying them inside my house fresh or dried. I want to give dinners once or twice a week and bake lovely food for the people who feast on the food, making separate carbs dishes like potatoes or rise or risotto or pasta and then of course veggie and cheese and eggs and meat dishes and bake almond cakes or cheesecakes with strawberries or raspberries or any other kind of berry. I want to go out to dinner with friends and marvel at the food. I want to go to the Oscars and show of my beautiful dress which i have bought or made myself or whatever on the arms of my boyfriend who loves me. I want to keep on working here on this website and make drawings and photos and write these columns and whatever i want to do here.

But most of all i want to find rest within myself, a quiet acceptance of my life as it is, an exuberance in living and each day a new day once again.

Each day a new day once again.

That is what i really really want.

Published on February 22, 2022 at 6:00 by

Still so many things to learn

I don’t always manage being calm and gentle. Lately i get scared more. The last days i get angry at times. Angry at the world. Angry at all the people in it. Who don’t give me what i want.

That is of course ludicrous. Not giving me what i want. You never get what you want. Not that i know what i want for real. I still have a dream of meeting someone who i fall in love with. In the innermost depths of my being. Over the past years i came across some nice men i fell in love for a bit, but it never lasted. So here i am. Single.

I do find it difficult to write these texts, these columns. Last week on Thursday i was so confused about what to write. In the end i read the first bit i had written and followed this. I still find myself thinking of something which resonates within me; and then forget this the next day. Why i don’t know. It could be it is not the right time yet to write that text down.

Single. That is what i am. It is fine. I’m open and careful at the same time. Usually anyway 🙂

I just got out of bed.

I was lying in bed thinking of the near future. I don’t want any money from the state. I don’t want any help from anyone. I don’t want to get anything.

I do not know where i get these thoughts from. I can go and look for a job of course. Of course! But i don’t want to. I don’t want to live in this world with its money and securities and jobs. I don’t want it. I’d rather die.

Well, my mind is looking for other solutions. Which are all wrought with difficulties.

Silly me. Stupid silly me. Crazy stupid silly me.

Hmm, that was an outburst. I pretty sure i won’t die. But i still can’t see what will happen to me.

Still so many things to learn, each and every single day.

Published on February 18, 2022 at 6:00 by

Rhythm

Last week i saw Marli Huijer’s reading about the loss of rhythm in the corona lockdown time. For the first time it became clear to me the great loss in social and interpersonal relationships these lockdowns have caused. The daily, weekly and yearly rhythms we are accustomed to were diminished. Holidays were no longer an usual part of our routines. Public holidays like Christmas and Eastern were less celebrated with fewer people present.

For me this was less the case. For the past seven years i have been working on this website, ellenpronk.com with a very strict rhythm: five updates a week, each published six o’clock in the morning, five weeks of holidays a year. This rhythm has kept me sane over the past years. This rhythm made it possible for me to live my life as i was used to. I still made walks, lockdown wasn’t as severe as in other countries where you needed to stay home the whole day.

I am partly living outside the commonplace working life rhythm most adult people have here in western Europe. I don’t have a house anymore, i don’t have a job, i don’t have a regular income. I am not sure what the future entails.

But why would i need to be sure? Why not live my life as free as i can? Why worry so much about money? I do worry, i know that. It is very hard to get away from that worry. Sometimes i succeed, but it does come back.

Each life lived here on this earth needs a steady rhythm to feel healthy. Day after night, week after week, the moons growing fuller and lesser, the seasons turning into each other.

I do feel happy in my life. I hopefully can make a difference in this world. Fingers crossed.

Salute!

Published on February 11, 2022 at 6:00 by

Tick Tock

Time never stops. Each second ticks away into the past. Relentlessly.

We have divided the time we have in seconds, minutes, hours, days, years. Make them countable. Make them measurable. We can say how many seconds we have lived up until now. Now. Now! The world turns around the sun; this is the basis of our division of time. Spring, winter, summer, autumn. It is the tilt of the earth in connection of its orbit around the sun which causes our seasons.

The passage of time does trouble me. I have only four months or so until my money runs out. I still am not giving up my quest for telling a comprehensive story. For showing people where i am at right now. To be open and genuine with what i want to say. I am still not thinking of quitting this search.

Let it go. Conform to the current working ethic. Work or you will find yourself homeless. Please.

It is a quest. Seven years since i started to work again on my website. But really, it all started when i was twenty-one, that day in February when i made my drawings. Which turned out to be so important to me.

Tick tock. Times moves forward. A part of me wants to hold back time. Another part of me wants it to move on faster, faster. Its no use of course. Time keeps on ticking endlessly.

Tick tock.

Published on February 1, 2022 at 6:00 by

Past days and nights

Yesterday morning someone asked me the following question at the harvest market: ‘Do i think i have something to say to the world?’ I thought about this for a short time. ‘Yes’ i said ‘i do think that i have something to say to the world. But i do think most people have something to say, if not all. What hurts me is that we are learned not to say anything.’

I felt happy with this answer. I still do.

Last night i was lying awake for a time in the middle of the night. I was thinking of a post i wanted to write. I have half forgotten this now. But this morning when i woke up the memory was still close to me.

It had something to do with this book i started reading yesterday: Hare Brain Tortoise Mind. Why Intelligence Increases When You Think Less written by Guy Claxton. Published in the late 90s, it is about the difference between being smart and clever and being intuitive and creative. Currently the main focus of what we learn in school and university and in life is the first one: being smart and clever. Deduce and calculate your way into a job or being rich or whatever.

In my life right now my main working attitude is intuitive and creative. I actually need to learn to be smart and clever. To become well-known. To not worry about money anymore.

But my thoughts of last night keep staying away from me, i’m sad to say. I do hope they or any thoughts worth writing up here on this website will come back to me. Or i will get up out of bed in the middle of the night and write them up. Do that!

Published on January 31, 2022 at 6:00 by