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I fell today. I tried to keep myself walking on, did a few steps half bend over, and fell. My knee is scraped. I put a light bandaged over it. It is not too bad.

I was on my way to the Albert Heijn. Bought some veggies, salmon for dinner this evening, cream for the coffee.

And now i’m home. With my hurt knee. I decided not to make a walk today. I read an article on the Guardian website: The clitoris, pain and pap smears: how Our Bodies, Ourselves redefined women’s health. It brought up a thought to write some more about my own experience of my sexual feelings. I don’t have a to-do list, so i hope the good ideas stay in my mind and i will remember it. I watched half a youtube video (Dutch) called Het ongemak van vervreemding. Maybe i watch it further. I am not sure. It did remind me of myself, my decision to stop living according to the rules in our current society. Well.

I was thinking of the political issues in the Netherlands. Politicians not speaking the truth. That is what brought me the title of this post. We will see one day where this story ends.

Honest. I can use that. I can be that. In my quiet life.

Published on April 23, 2021 at 6:00 by


c. 1600, “room or building set apart for scientific experiments,” from Medieval Latin laboratorium “a place for labor or work,” from Latin laboratus, past participle of laborare “to work” (see labor (v.)). Figurative use by 1660s.


Last night i woke up around four o’clock. I had this word on my mind: laboratorium. The Dutch word for laboratory. It stems from the Latin laborare, meaning to work. In the current society it means work for scientific experiments. It stayed on my mind for a while. Thinking about science being the predominant explainer of the world, the universe, the natural laws. Science being the current maker of vaccines for the corona pandemic we are in right now. Science being the clear voice of where we are now and where we are headed.

Science in our day and age is an empirical endeavor. “Its work employs the best and the brightest in every corner of the globe, and its modes of thinking and reasoning have come to dominate the way mankind understands itself and its place” [source]. It does miss a moral touchstone. The old religions, the old philosophy are more and more devoid of meaning and put aside.

In my life, it is warmth and love and generosity which rules. I do hope i can keep myself afloat with this. It is difficult. I found some warm spots in this world, the garden most importantly. The technocratic and bureaucratic world outside my life is chilling. It is difficult to find good words to describe my feeling of being alive in this world right here and right now.

I’m still assuming i am bright enough to manage my own life. To direct my attention away from my own worries and look into the world and see what i can do about the problems i see there. I hope so.

Published on April 22, 2021 at 6:00 by

My own choice

During the week i enjoy watching Escape to the Country on BBC at 16:00 Dutch time. I do notice the usual reasons people give for deciding to move to a house in the country. Peace and quiet. Not that much traffic. Sitting in a quiet corner, one’s own road up to the house. Several acres of country surrounding the house. For the horses, the chickens. For retirement basically.

But it is not for me.

I do not have wishes to quiet down my life, to live on peacefully until the day i die. On the contrary, i would love my life to be full with people to talk with about the world and it’s problems. Not my life as it is right now. Please no. Of course, for now it is ok. For now i enjoy the walks. I enjoy sitting on a bench and read a book. Sure. But not for the rest of my life.

But if i could make my own choice, i would live inside a city, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, London, New York. Any big city in the Western world.

The sad part is though, i can not make my own choice. I can only follow my own life as it goes along.

Published on April 19, 2021 at 6:00 by

More voting preparation

I am still struggling with th decision who to vote for next week in the House of Representatives Elections 2021. I know i am influenced by the recent events in Dutch politics. Naturally.

Never did it cross my mind i could actually vote for a right-wing party. But i must admit i really do admire Pieter Omtzigt [Dutch], member of the CDA the Dutch christian democratic party.

Today i watched the video embedded below, with David van Overbeek in conversation with Geerten Welling, historian and writer of the book called Zetelroof. The main focus of this talk is the role of the members of the House of Representatives. Are they under control of the party they belong to or are they independent thinkers. Pieter Omtzigt is talked about, his growing support in the Netherlands does change his role in the CDA. Curiosity on how this will develop in future is expressed.

This video is in Dutch.

Published on March 11, 2021 at 6:00 by

House of Representatives Elections 2021

In two weeks time, 17 March 2021, the elections for the Dutch Tweede Kamer, the House of Representatives will be held. To be honest, i am not that much in politics, but at times i do read and watch video’s about it.

Over my life i have traveled through the whole left side of the political parties in the Netherlands; from the Communistic Party, to the Dutch Labour Party (PvdA), GreenLeft (GroenLinks) and for the past two elections the Party for the Animals (Partij voor de Dieren).

Today i did the test Stemwijzer for people to check what party best fits their view points. The two highest parties with both 71% results are GroenLinks and the PvdD for me.

One viable option for me is to stick to the Party for the Animals.

I did follow the childcare benefits scandal the past months. I am genuinely impressed by the interviews Renske Leijten, member of the SP, made on Wiebes and Blankestijn, her to the point questions, giving no time to the interviewees to settle after they could not answer a question with clarity. I think it is required of people in high office, either a minister or an officer in fiscals to have a clear memory of past events. I can imagine the anger in the interviewers being confronted with the unknowing of these officials.

I haven’t made up my mind yet. I’m not clear yet what i think of all the different programs. My doubt about what person to vote for is telling to me. Not the party, but the person is becoming more important to me.

Pieter Omtzigt is becoming a favorite of mine. The fact he is a member of the christian party CDA does make it a bit harder for me to decide to vote for him. I am still thinking and reading.

I leave you with some video clips with Renske Leijten and Pieter Omtzigt in it. All four are in Dutch.

Published on March 3, 2021 at 6:00 by


Today, Thursday 25 February, i went out for a walk. I took a book with me. Tijd van Onbehagen written by Ad Verbrugge, philosophical essays about a culture adrift. Out of the heritage from my stepfather this book came to me, a couple of years back. I have been reading it slowly over the past few months. Today sitting on a bench in the park close to the Euromast in this warm springlike day in February 2021.

I walked back, went into the AH to get some salmon for dinner this evening. I treated myself to some sate with peanut sauce. Not fitting into my keto diet. There are worse things to eat though. Cakes and sweets and breads are of the menu. The sate is a bit better. And once i will give it up. Hopefully.

An ordinary day. Tomorrow, Friday 26 February, is my birthday. Not doing that much about that either. I will buy a nice bottle of wine to treat myself. And some chocolate to share with friends on the garden. That is it.

I do feel determined. To set my life in the right course, going the right way. The past few weeks i have been thinking about surrendering. Not holding on to all the things in my life right now. To yield, give up, give over. Ellen, surrender. Give up the idea you yourself shape your life. Let it be shaped by the world and the people. Scary, yes. But worth it.

Have a good weekend. Enjoy yourself. Go outside!

Salute 🙂

Published on February 26, 2021 at 6:00 by


I am not afraid to get infected with the corona virus. Most of the time i am alone. I make walks outside all by myself. I work in the garden outside where there are limited possibilities of infection. Inside i’m rarely with other people.

The COVID-19 virus is contagious. Most of us have learned in the past year what the the letter R stands for in epidemiology, if it is above 1 the disease will spread, if it is below 1 the disease will diminish. Right now there are several mutations spreading which have different contagious affects, the British, South-African and Brazilian mutation right now. The virus itself is constantly mutating. A new one can be around any time.

The current de-missionary minister of Health Hugo de Jonge was on the Dutch television answering questions about one of the current scandals in the Netherlands, the one about the security issues with data concerning people who have been tested for corona. He said that this is an unprecedented pandemic. Unprecedented.

There is a Wikipedia page with a list of all known epidemics sofar called List of epidemics. Some are small, like the 2020 novel bunyavirus outbreak in China with only 7 deaths. Others are big, like the COVID-19 pandemic worldwide with 2.2 million+ deaths so far.

But the COVID-19 pandemic is not the biggest one. There is an even bigger one currently. The HIV/AIDS pandemic from 1981 till the present has cost 35 million+ deaths so far. The influenza pandemic (‘Spanish flu’) from 1918 till 1920 cost 17 – 100 million deaths. The Third plague pandemic from 1855 till 1960 worldwide cost 12 million+ deaths. And then the one still lingering in our memory, the Black Death. From 1346 till 1353 in the areas Europe, Asia and North-Africa the Bubonic plague cost 75 to 200 million deaths, 10% till 60% of the European population.

To say the current COVID-19 pandemic is unprecedented means an unawareness of the major role diseases have played in human history for the past thousands of years. A role which will grow with the current globalization, flight movements and the destruction of nature worldwide.

Feeling safe and secure seems to me the leading motive in the current medical governmental strategies in the Netherlands, in western Europe and worldwide. This is war! We fight! We will not let this virus thingy win!

All the voices appear in the current channels of transmission: the news, twitter, facebook, the papers, the talk shows. It is extremely difficult to make up your own mind is this deafening cacophony. Me, i do my best. That is all.

I remember in April or May 2020 while walking on a street i smelled a lovely scented rose. Someone on a bike passed and yelled to me ‘hey! you will get corona from that!’ I was dumbfounded. In what world do we live where in we can not enjoy the flowers blooming and smell their enchanting scent.

Life is so worth living, so valuable, so ultimately enjoyable, so full of surprises. Yes, life is also full of failures and decay and rottenness. Life is a treasure to be cherished in all aspects.

It is difficult, of course. Not to me to make decisions. But i do think about current events and try to understand what my position is in these.

I am not closing this post with a cheering shout out yelling ‘this is the way to go’. No, i keep on thinking and puzzling. There are more thoughts hidden inside my head. Happy to see them coming outside!

Published on February 4, 2021 at 6:00 by