Life is messy

It is my own desire for safety which confounds me. Safety, security, a shield against all the dangerous things the world hurls at you. Don’t let it touch! Be invincible, invulnerable.

I am scared of the future. As i should be, of course. I do not know what the future will bring. That makes me come alive with all sorts of defenses against all sorts of dangers coming my way. But what dangers? What defenses?

I don’t know.

I live now, not in the future where all these troubles lurk. Of course, i can cross over the street and be run over by a car. I can fall down a stair and drop to my death. Anything can happen.

I don’t know.

Another part of me revels in dreaming up idolized persons. I will fall in love. Someone else will fall in love with me. I will become famous. Legendary even.

But i don’t know.

I think i know many things. The books i have read, the walks i have made, the dances i danced away, the songs i have sung, the earth i worked in, the drawings i made, the photographs i made. Not all terribly good. Still a work i feel proud of. But do i know these things? Do i really?

And then there is me.

A growing older woman in her late fifties, with grey hair, slightly overweight. That is what i look like from the outside. The inside is a mixture of emotions, some scared, some hopeful. My heart is pounding inside of me.

What am i? Who is this i i am speaking of here? What does it all mean? Is there some meaning? Anywhere?

I do not know.