Tomorrow i’ll be going back to work. I don’t mind. I am even looking forward to it.
But, i have to admit, this period in my life feels like an intermediate period. I did start working on a new videoclip. Looking forward to really work on it. It has been a long time since i made a new work.
The past to weeks have been enjoyable. I went and stayed with my mother for two days, i made walks, i bought some new things for myself. Two pairs of woolen socks, two long-sleeved t-shirts, a cashmere sweater.
I’m taking a couple of weeks of free time. I leave you with some of my personal favourite things for the time being.
Nothing Rhymed
If I give up the seat I’ve been saving
To some elderly lady or man
Am I being a good boy?
Am I your pride and joy?
Mother please, if you’re pleased, say I am
And if while in the course of my duty
I perform an unfortunate take
Would you punish me so
Unbelievably so
Never again will I make that mistake
This feeling inside me could never deny me
The right to be wrong if I choose
And this pleasure I get
From say winning a bet
Is to lose
When I’m drinking my Bonaparte Shandy
Eating more than enough apple pies
Will I glance at my screen
And see real human beings
Starve to death right in front of my eyes
Nothing old, nothing new, nothing ventured
Nothing gained, nothing still-born or lost
Nothing further than proof, nothing wilder than youth
Nothing older than time, nothing sweeter than wine
Nothing physically, recklessly, hopelessly blind
Nothing I couldn’t say
Nothing why ’cause today
Nothing rhymed
This feeling inside me could never deny me
The right to be wrong if I choose
And this pleasure I get
From say winning a bet
Is to lose
Nothing good, nothing bad, nothing ventured
Nothing gained, nothing still-born or lost
Nothing further than proof, nothing wilder than youth
Nothing older than time, nothing sweeter than wine
Nothing physically, recklessly, hopelessly blind
Nothing I couldn’t say
Nothing why ’cause today
Nothing rhymed
An ordinary Sunday. Not much different from the other Sundays i experienced over the past couple of months.
I showered, washed my hair, watched Het Filosofisch Kwintet which is also broadcast as a podcast. Halfway through i went into town. I first went into Donner and serched for the book Wool written by Hugh Howey, the basis for the series Silo recently on Apple TV. The book wasn’t in the shop. When i asked at the information desk it was back ordered and will arrive in a couple of days. I ordered it.
I walked back, bought something to eat and went into the supermarket. Then back home.
I am unsure about the current state of my life. It still feels like an in between phase i’m at. I still need to come to terms with my current job as a housekeeping help for people needing it.
Hopefully something will come to fruition. Like the video clip i have been thinking about for months. Which is still only in its initial stage.
Today Sunday the 16th of April i went out into town. I walked past the Rotterdam Marathon route for a bit. I’m not much of a fan to be honest, but i did walk on beside the people cheering on the runners.
I did feel sad. Last week i got an e-mail from my health insurance that my insurance is to be closed of because i do not have an address with the municipality.
I’m still unclear what to do next. Apart from going to the Paulus church and talk with the doctor and social worker. Which is what i will do, of course.
The past year has been tough. I do have a place to live, but i can not make it my permanent address. My work on my website has taken a backseat. Which does make me feel sad, but it is for the better.
I do need to go on. I have these plans to make a video clip, but i haven’t done any real work on it. I hope i will start working on it soon. I hope i can find a light in these days, dark to me.
The last few weeks i got this idea to make a new video clip. I was thinking of the clip i made in 22 February 2005 for The Answer. It doesn’t work anymore, of course. Flash.
First i had this idea of making it in flash and export it to a movie. I got another idea, of making it with little clips i made with my camera. Then i questioned if i would make it for The Answer. Now i’m finally at the start of this project, where all assumptions are of the table.
I hope i will finish this project. I hope i will make a videoclip i will be proud of. I will start soon, but i am gic=ving myself time to work on this.
Today is the day of the equinox: Rotterdam, Netherlands: Monday, 20 March 2023, 22:24 CET.
Yesterday i stayed at home the whole day. I showered, washed my hair, cleaned up the house a bit and mended the pink sweater which had two holes at the elbow. I watched some television. When mending my sweater i took of my glasses, i can see better up close with no glasses on.
The last few days i find myself thinking of making new work, especially about a video clip. The last couple of weeks i am dancing once more on my old musi, one of which is The Answer from the Bloc Party. I made a video for this song in 2005, which you can not see anymore over here. I am still in the early stages of thinking about this new project. Looking forward to starting to work on it!
Around a week ago i told a friend i wished my life would be quiet, uneventful. Peaceful. A bit like it is now to be honest. I don’t know if this will be given to me. I don’t know what life has in store for me.
Right now i’m in an in between stage. Or so it feels to me. I am working. I am living in a house with a friend. But i am thinking of this changing line in the I Ching:
Six in the fourth place means:
The wild goose goes gradually draws near the tree.
Perhaps it will find a flat branch. No blame.
A tree is not a suitable place for a wild goose. But if it is clever, it will find a
flat branch on which it can get a footing. A man’s life too, in the course of its
development, often brings him into inappropriate situations, in which he
finds it difficult to hold his own without danger. Then it is important to be
sensible and yielding. This enables him to discover a safe place in which life
can go on, although he may be surrounded by danger.
A flat branch. That is where i am right now. Unsure, uncertain. But safe for now.
I could be wrong of course. This could be it. This could be my life. Anyway, i need to come to peace with it before i can move on.
